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Old 07-05-2016, 12:08 PM   #1
bec28
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Default Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

I don't even know where to start. I feel like a huge failure and that I am ruining my kids. Especially my 6yo. This post is probably going to be ramble and a little emotional because ds just had a huge meltdown in the store and I am not sure where to start. Just as background, we just had a baby 2 months ago, so I'm sure he's still feeling the effects of adding a new person to the family, even though he absolutely adores her.

Ds is having big huge feelings when he gets angry. We have been talking to him about good healthy ways to express anger since he was 2 maybe. Maybe younger. but for years anyway. He has recently started hitting, kicking and screaming at me when he gets angry. He goes into a rage and there is nothing I can do to stop it. He throws things, slams doors, hits things. He is getting too big for me to take him to his room to calm down. He knows theres not much I can do and runs away. When the kids get angry, they are sent to their room so that they can calm down without hurting anyone. But now he just refuses. When he is angry, he refuses to do any of the things to help him calm down (deep breathes, hitting DH's punching bag, running outside, listening to music, coloring....) that we have talked about when he is not angry.

Just now, we were in the grocery store and I asked him to hold on to the side of the cart because he hasn't been listening lately. He didn't want to and the whole trip just fell apart from there. It ended with us leaving the cart in the middle of the store as he hit, kicked and screamed at me as we tried to leave.

There is also a huge amount of disrespect and antagonizing going on between DS and DD. They fight to be first, argue about everything, give each other little looks or smiles when they win or are first or whatever and the other isn't.

i'll bbl to add more details. but i need help. My house is not peaceful. It's turned into the angry, loud place full of disrespect. I have "Your six year old" and "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and have been slowly making my way through those but its hard with a new baby and two other kids to take care of.

I know spanking is not at all the answer and won't do it, but gosh dang it I want to do something! I'm tried of being a human punching bag, and none of the talking about anger and what to do about it that we've done for years is not working. I need something that will work.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:31 PM   #2
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

Have you read "The Explosive Child"?

---------- Post added at 03:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:30 PM ----------

Typing with 1 hand, but it sounds similar to what I've read there so far.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:44 PM   #3
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

No, I haven't read that one yet. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll get it on the kindle right away. Thanks!
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:52 PM   #4
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

I don't have an answers. I'm working through the How to Talk book and it is helping. Also crawling through the explosive child. Also gauging the day and being okay with backing off/changing plans or making sure all of PHALT are met before doing some thing. Or doing it without them. We stopped grocery shopping and errands with kids in tow, we do them at night or in the weekend and tag team. My middle dd finds them way to overestimulating and it is always a circus, I am stressed and not parenting well. We do everything possible to not take kids in errands unless absolutely necessary. Unless we bring one because they asked to go along.

Clear expectations "we're doing this, then that then this will happen." And repeating each step of the way to hold boundaries. Consequences for rude behavior (you don't get to go _______ next time, going ________ is a privilege and in will not be treated so rudely ever ever again. Until you can be kind and follow our rules, we will not go _________." And then eventually at the next attempt down the line set them up for success, clear expectations and reminders before approaching the ________ situation)

When they are rude to a sibling "whoa. Try again. I hear you feel hurt/insulted/furious about bla bla bla, but it is absolutely not ok to hit/be rude/be unkind. Try again...script." or "whoa you sound furious!" And try to connect. I have been pulling that kid out of play and pulling them close and giving them hugs and trying to help them relax or laugh to trip their hippocampus out of flight or fight so they are able to relax and problem solve."

The Whole Brained Child was super helpful with seeing certain things in relation to brain development and pathways that are glitching.

Also anger is a secondary emotion and can be anxiety related, is there some thing in A's meltdowns that could be triggered by anxiety? Too much noise? Too many choices? Needing to go faster than he feels he can? Fear of some one getting lost? Have you tried rescue remedy before stressful situations? Focus on feelings behind actions and setting them up for success, some seasons it isn't worth it to try and do certain things. What will bring peace? What is best for the kids you have?

ETA: Also, don't gauge *anything* about anything right *now*. You're 2 months out from giving birth. You're all still majorly adjusting and every thing pretty much feels like it is falling apart the first long while...We're 10 months out and it's really in the last month where I feel like we're all starting to settle into this new family we have. I feel like it truly does feel like it takes about 9 months to hit a sweet spot, some times longer if the baby is high needs. It will get easier, you are not failing them, not even a little. You're all still adjusting to a whole new normal.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:59 PM   #5
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

Until you have a plan and more tools to use to work thru some of the dynamics it sounds like you need some preventive types of help.Going shopping right now with an infant and 2 young kids by yourself doesnt work.Can you arrange it so you can go by yourself or with just the baby? Can you afford a tween aged mothers helper?

---------- Post added at 08:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:58 PM ----------

You are not failing them it is just hard having such a new baby and young ones
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Old 07-05-2016, 02:25 PM   #6
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

Have you considered food issues? My son was six or seven when we figured some important things out re food that radically changed his anger issues.
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Old 07-05-2016, 03:09 PM   #7
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

I won't be taking him on errands any time soon. That has an unplanned stop and I should've known it wasn't a good idea. These rates are also happening at home. I can't think of a specific thing that's triggered him in the past. I'll have to think about and see if I remember.

I haven't really considered food allergies. He doesn't have any other indications for food issues but I'll certainly look into it.

I didn't realize anger could be connected with anxiety. Ds has definitely displayed anxious behaviors in the past, usually related to specific events (Papa shooting off his model rockets and the noise, putting his head under water...) I wonder if he feels. More generalized anxiety that he just can't express yet.
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:22 PM   #8
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

It sounds like you are reading him well.Can you arrange to have some one on one time with him each day and just give him openers like how things have changed since he is the big brother to 2 little ones now and the baby is at an age where baby needs to be held so much or something so he might be able to express some things to you.Or ry talking to him about when he was the ages of youngr sibs and what you reember.Even just 10 minutes a day could be enough to fill his love tank and reassure hm
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Old 07-05-2016, 05:27 PM   #9
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

The Explosive Child helped us a lot, too.

I just realized the other day, reading a thread like this, that it has been a while since we've endured a rage like that. One of mine peaked around 6 when it came to this stuff as best as I can remember...might have been 7, but I think it was 6. I could have written your post with the same despair over such a big kid lashing out like a toddler.

Same kid got angry today and ripped a piece of paper belonging to a sibling who was being annoying. Then when I intervened, he fixed it with tape and apologized, and agreed to try to use words next time. And used words this time to tell me what started it. Same kid who used to be that 6yo. There is hope at the end of the tunnel, and you are doing many good things already. Praying for you as you continue to look for triggers and ways to de-escalate.
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:39 PM   #10
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

I can relate to much of what you wrote It is so hard and especially with a new baby. I will be praying for you to find a direction that is helpful.
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Old 07-06-2016, 06:27 AM   #11
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

Even if it's not a food allergy, keep blood sugar spikes and drops in mind. Keep the proteins flowing.
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Old 07-06-2016, 10:53 AM   #12
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

The year my oldest was 6, I had a brand new baby and a two year old. It was my hardest parenting year by far So I strongly suspect some of your sons reactions is an immature expression of "My whole world has turned upside down! Now I have even less time with my mom! Everything is awful and I feel helpless!" I saw my oldest go through that.
I also like to do things and feel that things are working. I totally hear you. Some of the things I did that year that brought about gradual change (because I have to be honest, the changes will be gradual and two steps forward and one step back until your oldest adjusts to the new normal. Until you all adjust to the new normal, actually.)
I made a huge effort to be pleasant to my daughter (on my good days! There were plenty of awful ones) Light, pleasant voice. When she raised her voice, I did everything in my power to lower mine. Short, easy to understand sentences (that means you have to slow down, face your son, think about what you want to say and then say it in a simple, kind way). He will not only do better with a simple sentence when he's starting to lose it (anxiety and rage are siblings), but he will also see you turn away from your task and give him your undivided attention. All of that is money in the bank for him. Whenever you can, make contact with him in a pleasant way. Rumple his hair as you go past and say with a smile "You are my favorite six year old in the whole world." When he does a very small task that helps you in some way, thank him warmly with specific words "Thank you so much for grabbing a diaper. That really helped me out." Even better if his helpfulness frees you up for a quick whatever he wants to do with you for a few minutes. "You helped me with the baby and I can watch you do that trick on your bike for a minute." I know those things are hard. But if you can make that connection in his brain even once a week, that's a great start. He will also start to feel better toward his siblings in a small way, because helping with them will equal a doorway to your attention and happiness with him.
I started reading to my daughter every single night that I could. Even if it was one poem in "Where the Sidewalk Ends". We still read almost every night because she needs that connection and that time with me all to herself when I am doing nothing else. It's hard to share parents, it's hard to have another little person taking up your parents time. Siblings Without Rivalry has some really great stuff to say about this in its first few chapters (because I know reading a whole book at this point is impossible).
On the subject of being sent to his room....my daughter is a Quality Time love language and absolutely hates this. It winds her up more (even if only inside) because she's being sent away from people and the attention she is craving (which is generally why she acts out). If you can, follow him or go with him to his room in a calm manner. Sometimes I just go with her and listen to what she says. We work through it, she feels heard, we regroup and things are better. Sometimes I send her to her room and I'm too angry to follow, so I direct her to "Find your calm and then come back and join us and I'll listen to what you have to say." I can't hear her out when she's yelling or just too emotionally worked up to resolve the problem. She generally is in her room for a few minutes and then comes out and tells me what is on her mind. And I usually have to bite my tongue and think of a simple, kind way to answer her. And she's nine. So that part hasn't changed a whole lot, but it's a coping technique and she is practicing emotional regulation for life.
Hang in there, this really does get better. Outnumbered is just a whole new ballgame. It takes everybody time to find the new routines and spaces that work.
Time for me to get back to my kids. That's the other things that works. Being intentionally around them and doing something so they sense that I'm available (it's hard when you just want to rest and hide, I get it )
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Old 07-06-2016, 12:04 PM   #13
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

Even just asking husband out loud if he will hol the baby and watch the toddlr for a few minutes because you need some ds time. Or offering him an arm and a story while to are nursing or rocking baby
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Old 07-06-2016, 02:49 PM   #14
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

Guys, thank you so much This is so hugely validating. So many great ideas to try. DH, DS and I had some really good talks yesterday and I've discovered some things I need to change, and ways to help DS. I think I was just looking at him and seeing a big kid, and expecting way to much in the way of emotional maturity.

Thanks for affirming that this is hard, but it will get better. And that I'm not completely ruining my children.

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Old 07-06-2016, 06:51 PM   #15
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Default Re: Please please help me. I feel like I'm failing my kids

I'm a new mommy to an almost eight month old, so I don't really have experience in this - but I just wanted to say you sound like an absolutely fantastic mother and your son is so incredibly lucky to have you!

I really hope that you will find a solution. Things will get better - have faith in that. I don't blame you for needing to make a change, though!
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  • (1)header
  • (1)headinclude
  • (1)navbar
  • (3)navbar_link
  • (60)option
  • (1)pagenav
  • (1)pagenav_curpage
  • (1)pagenav_pagelink
  • (15)post_groan_box
  • (3)post_groan_box_bit
  • (1)post_groan_javascript
  • (1)post_groan_navbar_search
  • (1)post_groan_postbit_legacy
  • (15)post_thanks_box
  • (47)post_thanks_box_bit
  • (1)post_thanks_javascript
  • (1)post_thanks_navbar_search
  • (13)post_thanks_postbit_legacy
  • (15)postbit_legacy
  • (15)postbit_onlinestatus
  • (158)postbit_reputation
  • (15)postbit_wrapper
  • (4)showthread_bookmarksite
  • (1)smqre_editor_button
  • (1)spacer_close
  • (1)spacer_open
  • (1)tagbit_wrapper 

Phrase Groups Available:
  • global
  • inlinemod
  • postbit
  • posting
  • reputationlevel
  • showthread
Included Files:
  • ./showthread.php
  • ./global.php
  • ./includes/init.php
  • ./includes/class_core.php
  • ./includes/config.php
  • ./includes/functions.php
  • ./includes/class_hook.php
  • ./includes/functions_notice.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php
  • ./mobiquo/include/classTTConnection.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner/head.inc.php
  • ./includes/functions_bigthree.php
  • ./includes/class_postbit.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode.php
  • ./includes/functions_reputation.php
  • ./includes/adminfunctions_template.php
  • ./includes/functions_misc.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_groan.php 

Hooks Called:
  • init_startup
  • cache_permissions
  • fetch_threadinfo_query
  • fetch_threadinfo
  • fetch_foruminfo
  • style_fetch
  • cache_templates
  • global_start
  • parse_templates
  • fetch_musername
  • notices_check_start
  • global_setup_complete
  • showthread_start
  • template_groups
  • template_safe_functions
  • template_compile
  • showthread_getinfo
  • forumjump
  • showthread_post_start
  • showthread_query_postids
  • showthread_query
  • bbcode_fetch_tags
  • bbcode_create
  • showthread_postbit_create
  • postbit_factory
  • postbit_display_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_start
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_start
  • post_groan_function_show_groan_date_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_end
  • reputation_image
  • bbcode_parse_start
  • postbit_imicons
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • error_fetch
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_start
  • post_thanks_function_show_thanks_date_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_end
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_end
  • pagenav_page
  • pagenav_complete
  • tag_fetchbit_complete
  • forumrules
  • showthread_bookmarkbit
  • navbits
  • navbits_complete
  • showthread_complete