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Old 05-02-2012, 03:17 PM   #1
Two Little Birds
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Default I just want a little cooperation!

Asher is 4 years, 10 months and will not listen to directions about 80% of the time. I am so tired of making it happen. At times as soon as he sees me or dh headed his way to make it happen he will hop to but I am so tired of playing that game.

Getting in the car. I expect him to get in the car and get as buckled as he can while I am putting Eli in. He actually does this about 10% of the time. I then have to herd him towards his seat.

Today he would not stop picking at me until I told him I wanted to spank him. I wasn't going to and he knows that. However, the threat is the only thing that stopped him.

We were supposed to have a me and him date today but I am not going out with a child who chooses not to listen.

It's truly like he's decided he doesn't have to follow directions. He is dye-free. I'm eliminating caramel coloring right now. I am pretty sure there are no other sensitives.

We are buying a house and moving next week. That could be playing into it. We've all been sick for the past three weeks, just passed it around. He's currently healthy. He is at school three days a week for three hours at a time.
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:46 PM   #2
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Default Re: I just want a little cooperation!

I think the answer is to move your 'make it happen' much closer in time-frame to when you actually give your instruction. This is how you form the habit of following the instruction (instead of waiting for enforcement). It's the delay between the instruction and the 'make it happen' is what builds up the 'wait and see if mama is coming' habit.

It sounds like you do...

1) Say the instruction.
2) Watch for compliance for 10 to 30 seconds.
3) Approach the situation.
4) Make it happen.

I'm recommending...

1) Approach the situation.
2) Say the instruction.
3) Watch for compliance only 1 or 2 seconds.
4) Make it happen.

It's more important to develop the specific habit of following instructions as an automatic thing than it is to keep trying for general compliance from a distance. Also it's important to preserve the power of your instruction-words by not giving instructions that you can't or won't 'make happen'.

So, with the car seat thing, you obviously can't 'make it happen' that Asher should do what he has been told to do *while* you are bucking Eli -- you can't be in two places at once. Therefore you can't give an instruction to a 4yo while you are physically occupied with something else.

To develop the following instructions habit, wait until you *can* put him straight into his car seat. Then, while you are standing right-close say, "Get into your car seat." Pause a moment, watch for signs of movement, then lift him in. This shows him, "She says it = it happens." -- which will help him really grasp the process on a visceral cause-and-effect level.

Soon you will see some signs of movement within the time you allow -- so let him complete the task himself, unless he stops (then you would carry the process on). Then give the next instruction (whatever he does with straps and clips). When he is consistently doing the process step by step, give the whole process one name, maybe, "Get yourself ready in your car seat." and see if he carries it all the way through while you are close-by.

When he is consistently doing that, try being slightly further away when you give the instruction. You can increase how distant you are, as long as he is still following your instruction. You will probably find there is a particular distance at which he feels that you aren't close enough to 'make it happen' -- so show him that he's mistaken about that... until he gets it.

That's when you can begin to expect Asher to follow that instruction while you buckle Eli... after you've managed to 'engrave it in stone' through consistently making it happen.

It's not a hard thing, but it is repetative. Making it happen will never be effective from a distance until a child really 'gets' that things are *always* made-to-happen, which requires close contact for the first while of developing the habit. Then you will find it effective even when you are across a room or otherwise occupied -- but don't test it until you are sure. It's important that your instructions *always* happen. You are writing a law of physics here. Exceptions are confusing.
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Old 05-02-2012, 04:49 PM   #3
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Default Re: I just want a little cooperation!

We certainly can go back to that. We did that for over two years and got to a place where we didn't need to because he was following instructions. It's only in the past couple months that he has had problems.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:09 PM   #4
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Default Re: I just want a little cooperation!

Yes, they all hit a point where they say to themself, "I know I've always thought that Mama's instructions just have to be followed, because they always happen, and that's the way it is -- but hey, I've noticed that's not exactly logical, given my new stage of development. Let's shake this system down and see how it really works."

I never had the 'terrible twos' because at 2, both of mine seemed to actually believe disobedience was functionally impossible (which, I suppose, it mostly was). But at 3, they seemed to clue in to the possibility of just not following an instruction and seeing what really happens. They seemed check the whole system over for it's finer points and loop holes.

I'm always prepared to re-establish hands on making it happen. You never know when they are going to feel the need to check the system over again.

In your situation, also remember that not everything needs to be an instruction. It's better just to not tell him to do something if you don't have the energy to make it happen. You can 'let it go' or make a request, or use if/then or when/then, or offer an incentive. There are lots of options for not getting head-to-head at difficult times.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:09 PM   #5
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Default Re: I just want a little cooperation!

two steps forward one step back. For whatever reason, he CAN't right now. He will be able to do it again.

If you're seeing him 'need' more physical help he might be feeling the need for closeness and comfort wit the upcoming move. I see my 4 yr old not wanting kisses, hugs, etc except on his terms and a lot of times that includes wrestling etc.
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Old 05-02-2012, 06:39 PM   #6
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Default Re: I just want a little cooperation!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ashersmom View Post
Asher is 4 years, 10 months and will not listen to directions about 80% of the time. I am so tired of making it happen. At times as soon as he sees me or dh headed his way to make it happen he will hop to but I am so tired of playing that game.

Getting in the car. I expect him to get in the car and get as buckled as he can while I am putting Eli in. He actually does this about 10% of the time. I then have to herd him towards his seat.

Today he would not stop picking at me until I told him I wanted to spank him. I wasn't going to and he knows that. However, the threat is the only thing that stopped him.

We were supposed to have a me and him date today but I am not going out with a child who chooses not to listen.

It's truly like he's decided he doesn't have to follow directions. He is dye-free. I'm eliminating caramel coloring right now. I am pretty sure there are no other sensitives.

We are buying a house and moving next week. That could be playing into it. We've all been sick for the past three weeks, just passed it around. He's currently healthy. He is at school three days a week for three hours at a time.
This actually allll sounds like attention getting behavior to me. With the stress of the house hunt and now the move, plus little brother getting more attention because he's little and needs more hands on attention, it could be that Asher needs more focused time with you. I'm wondering...is there a way you can make him super special right now, just something Asher does that Eli doesn't do, or a special plate at dinner, etc?

Sometimes kids have big anxiety over moving--it's one of the top stressors for adults! and he's not going to be able to say "actually mom, i have all sorts of anxiety right now and am seeking attention, even negative attention, because i know i'm safe when you give it to me."

There are some kids books on moving, too, that you might consider reading to him. I've been extremely surprised by the level of detail pill remembers from our first house (when he was 18 mos old) and the moving out process that was not smooth or in any way stress-free.
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:27 PM   #7
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Default Re: I just want a little cooperation!

Thanks Rachel. I am going to take him to the coffee house tomorrow afternoon and teach him how to finger knit. And Mike is going to take him somewhere this weekend.

We need to bump up the snuggle time.
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:42 PM   #8
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Default Re: I just want a little cooperation!

Sounds like you have a plan.

I'm pretty sure K picks up on all my negative feelings, FWIW. Not sure if Asher does too.
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