Did we handle this well?

[Joyanne]

My 7 yr old son was watching tv in my room. He decided to turn on the light/ceiling fan combo. He stood up on my bed, and pulled the chain to turn off the ceiling fan and then put his hand up and grabbed the blade to stop the fan (yes I know that is dangerous, and we discussed that at a later time) Well he grabbed it hard and the blade broke off totally.

He has been warned several times about messing with the ceiling fan as well as standing on my bed.

I told him he would have to tell his dad what he did. When dh came home, ds and I told him about it. Ds was very upset and crying. Dh was angry, and told ds that he was no longer allowed to come into our room unless one of us was in there.

That means no watching tv in mom's room during the day anymore or in the evening before bed (Good Night Show on Sprout)

Is this a logical/natural consequence?? Or is this punitive??
I do want him to get that this was dangerous and he's *so* impulsive, never thinks of the consequences of his actions, or what will happen if he does XYZ. On the other hand, he is so sad that he can't watch cartoons in there with his brothers/sisters. I feel bad and mean.
In Christ,
Joy

[JoEllen]

If the other kids are allowed in there, but he is not, that does seem punitive. I think a more natural/constructive consequence would be for him to buy a new ceiling fan with money he has saved from his allowance and/or doing chores/tasks around the house. (Or if that is a bit of a hefty sum for him, then go in halvsies with him).

[treehugginmama]

I agree with PP. I would have him help pay for the fan in one way or another.

[DoulaClara]

It seems like there's a lack of a chance of redemption. In other words, for example, in this house we try to have a basic, "You alter it, you put it right again" kind of a rule (so, if you throw oak pollen clusters into your brothers hair, you help get them out of his hair, if you shred toilet paper onto the bathroom floor, you pick it up, if you dump your drink on the floor, you wipe it up...) I don't think that taking a break from being in a position where he can continue to do what he's been told not to do is necessarily bad, but it's incomplete. What is your goal for him? What do you have planned for him now? How can he amend things? Discipline, especially when you're in raining into children the ideals that all people, big and small, need to make things right again, needs to include a way to redeem themselves, rather than having an open ended consequence that seems to eliminate the chance to show that they can grow and do better.

[Proverbs31]

That sounds like a completely reasonable and wise consequence to me, particularly given that he's 7, it's dangerous, and he's been warned before. It's part of keeping him safe, since he's not ready to do it himself in that area yet.

I do agree that he needs to have an opportunity to demonstrate responsibility and earn back the privilege. Personally I probably would not do much about him "buying" a replacement fan; in this instance, the main issue is more safety, not property damage. So I'd look for how he could demonstrate safe/responsible behavior to earn back the privilege.

I'd probably restore it a step at a time; so initially let him earn back watching one show, behaving well without parental supervision. If he succeeds in that, gradually continue to restore the privilege.

Perhaps while the siblings are watching TV and he can't, you could do something with him (play a board or card game? play catch? read out loud to him?) for part of the time, or point out several appealing activities he can do himself. That further emphasizes to him that this is not punitive.

[GraemesMomma]

Is your room the only room in your house with a ceiling fan? If not, what's to keep him from doing the same thing in another room? Or, looking at it another way, what is he *learning* by being banned from the room? It's not really related to the mistake he made.

What was punitive/mean, IMO, was making him wait for DH, especially given that DH then got angry and issued a punishment. Had this happened in our house, I would have dealt with it right at the time it happened. I would've talked to him, made arrangements for him to start earning $$ to fix it, issued hugs and gone on with our day. If DH needed to be involved for some reason, I'd have called him at work. At least given him a chance to think/talk through any consequences. I don't believe a child should have to wait in dread for consequences at this age

I what DoulaClara said.

[Petie]

Did he do this with the other children in the room? That would honestly change my take on the consequence. If other children were in the room, then he didn't just put himself in danger, but he also created a safety hazard for them. Is he older or younger than his siblings? That also influences what I would do. For instance, if he is the oldest, then I probably would see that as a logical consequence considering he is also modeling bad behavior for his siblings. If he is the youngest, then I would probably allow him to show me that he knows the rules before he enters. I do think alot of this is intuitive though. Do you think he will learn anything from this consequence? What is your purpose for it? Of course, you always have the option of having him watch tv outside of your room. Basically, he can't lay on the comfy bed, but he doesn't lose his down time. I also agree that "wait until your father gets home" is punitive to both son and husband. Son because he now has to sit with the knowledge that he is waiting for daddy to come, and husband because you have now turned his coming home from something that should be exciting for a child into something the child dreads. Your husband will have to redeem himself from that to prove that just because daddy comes home doesn't mean that punishment is coming. It's hard and there have been days when I have called dh to discuss issues if I need more input, but I try REALLY hard not to turn daddy coming home into a negative. I wouldn't want dh to do that to me, so I try not to do that to him.

[Joyanne]

He was the oldest child in the room. My 4 and 2 yr old were in the room as well.

He can't do it in the other two rooms with ceiling fans b/c there is not a way for him to reach those fans, while this one is above my bed and reachable by him if he stands on my bed (another thing that he wasn't supposed to do and had been warned about).

I wasn't trying to do a 'wait til your father gets home' type deal. I did immediately make him leave the room, not allow him back in there and talk to him about how dangerous it was etc. But I knew that dh would notice the fan, and I felt it was appropriate for ds to tell dh what he did (with me present to help if he got upset) and for us to discuss the situation. (I was pretty sure dh was going to say 'he can't go in our room anymore' from the get go, and I warned ds about that) I cannot call my dh at work, it's not possible in his work situation unless it's a true emergency ---like life or death.

He doesn't get an allowance, but he does have a birthday coming up and he usually gets $75 total from all the grandparents and great grandparents. I guess he could possibly pay for a new ceiling fan out of that.

At this point dh is not open to him earning the privelege of being in our room without adult supervision back. When he was a kid his parents made it a rule that he was never allowed to step foot in their room period. My parents did not have that rule at all. Dh does not mind co sleeping at all, he loves it, but he'd prefer (and always has) that the kids not be in there during the day, at least not the littler kids.
I did tell ds that he should try to show Daddy and I that he was trustworthy and could obey us and not do dangerous things like this. I also talked about him being a good example to his brothers and modeling good behavior for them and not putting them in danger etc. Dh did get angry but he was not yelling at ds or anything like that.


I also did decide that I did not want the other 2 boys (My girls are all over 9, but the boys are 7, 4, and 2) in there during the day either, so they aren't going to be allowed in there during the day either.

In Christ,
Joy

[Petie]

Originally Posted by Joyanne

He was the oldest child in the room. My 4 and 2 yr old were in the room as well.

He can't do it in the other two rooms with ceiling fans b/c there is not a way for him to reach those fans, while this one is above my bed and reachable by him if he stands on my bed (another thing that he wasn't supposed to do and had been warned about).

I wasn't trying to do a 'wait til your father gets home' type deal. I did immediately make him leave the room, not allow him back in there and talk to him about how dangerous it was etc. But I knew that dh would notice the fan, and I felt it was appropriate for ds to tell dh what he did (with me present to help if he got upset) and for us to discuss the situation. (I was pretty sure dh was going to say 'he can't go in our room anymore' from the get go, and I warned ds about that) I cannot call my dh at work, it's not possible in his work situation unless it's a true emergency ---like life or death.

He doesn't get an allowance, but he does have a birthday coming up and he usually gets $75 total from all the grandparents and great grandparents. I guess he could possibly pay for a new ceiling fan out of that.

At this point dh is not open to him earning the privelege of being in our room without adult supervision back. When he was a kid his parents made it a rule that he was never allowed to step foot in their room period. My parents did not have that rule at all. Dh does not mind co sleeping at all, he loves it, but he'd prefer (and always has) that the kids not be in there during the day, at least not the littler kids.
I did tell ds that he should try to show Daddy and I that he was trustworthy and could obey us and not do dangerous things like this. I also talked about him being a good example to his brothers and modeling good behavior for them and not putting them in danger etc. Dh did get angry but he was not yelling at ds or anything like that.


I also did decide that I did not want the other 2 boys (My girls are all over 9, but the boys are 7, 4, and 2) in there during the day either, so they aren't going to be allowed in there during the day either.

In Christ,
Joy

OK, so, I was concerned about the daddy thing but your explanation cleared that up. I do agree, I would have done something similar under those same circumstances.

Originally Posted by Joyanne

He doesn't get an allowance, but he does have a birthday coming up and he usually gets $75 total from all the grandparents and great grandparents. I guess he could possibly pay for a new ceiling fan out of that.

Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't take present money, but that's just me. I've never wanted to use gifts that were a part of a celebration in my child's life as a means to pay me back for something he did. I was never the mom who withheld Christmas presents because, "Santa doesn't bring gifts to naughty children" or took birthday money, because he damaged something.

At 7 he could do some extra chores to help around the house and earn money. Maybe you could do what I've done with my son, and that's a match. We'd let him earn the money and then we'd match it. We did that when he forced a Pokemon battle coin into the game slot of his brand new DS Lite and broke it a few years back and he cried for a new one.

At this point dh is not open to him earning the privelege of being in our room without adult supervision back. When he was a kid his parents made it a rule that he was never allowed to step foot in their room period. My parents did not have that rule at all. Dh does not mind co sleeping at all, he loves it, but he'd prefer (and always has) that the kids not be in there during the day, at least not the littler kids.

This is a concept so foreign to me, I'm not sure how I would approach the husband's opposition I was always raised with an open-door policy with regards to my parents' bedroom. So long as we were respectful and didn't go poking around through drawers (which we usually did anyway when we were little) it was fine. And I've always been the same way with DS. I feel like our bedroom is just another extension of our home that DS is welcome to enjoy.

I did tell ds that he should try to show Daddy and I that he was trustworthy and could obey us and not do dangerous things like this. I also talked about him being a good example to his brothers and modeling good behavior for them and not putting them in danger etc.

That is a good way to approach it, especially if he's the type of child that looks out for his siblings and wants to protect them.

[Joyanne]

Mrs. Jacks,
Yeah, I know!! My parents totally had an 'open door' policy too. Dh's childhood was pretty messed up, and his dad was uber-controlling, so I'm sure their policy on bedroom being off limits was his idea, b/c my mil is SO not like that with her husband now(they've been married over 20 years now). She allowed his little sister in their room all the time and my kids too, plus now his niece.

I brought up the paying for the ceiling fan idea and he was not really into that idea. He wants to just have ds stay out of the bedroom for 'a while'. Ds does not seem to be upset about it at all anymore.

So I'm letting it go at that for now. At least my room will stay clean during the day now LOL!

In Christ,
Joy