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Old 07-30-2015, 05:59 PM   #1
chelsea
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Default Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

When your child has misbehaved and you as a parent react in anger (raising your voice, using unkind talk, etc) how do you apologize while still holding them accountable for their part in it?

For example, if your child is not treating their siblings kindly, stubbornly refusing to do what you ask, speaking in an over-the-top disrespectful manner, etc continuously and you eventually snap and speak harshly to them? What if you have reacted wrongly and need to apologize, but you have a child who doesn't seem to realize they did anything wrong unless you point it out? Do you say "I'm sorry for reacting wrongly to you. I was feeling pushed to the limits when you refused to stop doing such and such." Or do you just say "I'm sorry for reacting wrongly to you" and leave it at that and just hope and pray that they figure it out that there were things they did that needed correction, and hope and pray that they will follow your example by apologizing to the offended parties?

Don't they say that an apology with a "but" is no apology at all? So how do you keep your children accountable for their actions while still taking responsibility for your own?
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Old 07-30-2015, 06:32 PM   #2
everybody's mother
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

I think your first example is ok. It is an apology followed by an explaination. If you throw that "but" in there then it sounds like you are blaming rather than explaining.
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Old 07-30-2015, 06:46 PM   #3
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

Keep it two separate things. One- what child did was wrong and ALSO 2- I was wrong. I try to keep the "but" out of it or hold child responsible for *my* behavior. We also talk at other times how you really can push people to their limit and what kinds of things might do that. Then in the future, you can say I'm getting close to my limit and I'm going to cool off now.
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Old 07-31-2015, 04:10 AM   #4
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

I apologize for yelling (because that's the one I tend to slip and do), remind them why I/we shouldn't yell, then say something like, "Let's try that again, shall we?" before readdressing their behavior calmly in a brief, direct matter of fact way and we take a break. I don't tend toward giving a reason for why I yelled in the moment because I don't want them to twist it into being their fault. (I will sometimes explain later apart from the occurrence if they ask, but I still try to choose my words carefully to maintain that it was my own fault I yelled. I also try to point out other contributing factors--like in my case, skipped meals lead to 'hanger' so I might talk about how not stopping to eat lunch because I ____ instead/or being tired/or having pain or fever/or being in the middle of an illness or a flare/etc--and how that made me feel grumpier to start with so that their was a shorter distance needed for me to feel overwhelmed. This kind of seems to help them identify their own weaknesses rather than blaming each other as often... but certain of my kids just seem prone to reflection and others to deflection and excuses.)
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Old 07-31-2015, 06:03 AM   #5
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

I screwed up and yelled. Plain and simple, so I apologize and leave out her behavior. Once we have made up and moved past my yelling, I then address where she went wrong and why.
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Old 07-31-2015, 07:46 AM   #6
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

- Im sorry I didnt say that to use in a nicer voice/way
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:56 PM   #7
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

Sharon Silver of Proactive Parenting suggests having a conversation framed with the idea that each person had a role in the conflict. So you own and apologize for your part (reacting badly), and then ask the child to own and apologize for their part.

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Old 08-03-2015, 04:36 AM   #8
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

We talk about the incident as a whole. I apologize for my part in it and say what I think I should've done instead. "I'm sorry that I yelled at you. Instead of yelling, I should've walked away to calm down then helped you with what you were having trouble doing on your own. The next time I get frustrated, I will walk away to calm down first." Then it is his turn. I usually go first because it is modeling for him. After his turn, I explain that we are family and that families should work together so that everyone meets their responsibilities and so that we all are kind and respectful to each other.

It is really, really hard to feel like you are giving the same lesson over and over. It's getting better, even if it is slow progress. I'm hopeful that one day things will be easier.
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Old 08-05-2015, 12:07 AM   #9
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Default Re: Apologizing When Child Misbehaved

Good idea from Saoirse! Sounds like a little business meeting and why not . After an "incident" it may be very helpful to make some agreements and plans about hor to handle a similar situation the next time.
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