Discussing outside "the moment"

[SewingGreenMama]

I feel like I'm constantly in between a rock and a hard place.

When my kids do something that needs to be discussed I either need to talk about it ASAP, which my almost 8yo doesn't handle well, or I forget and it never gets discussed, which means he doesn't really learn from his mistake.

I don't know what to do. Speaking in the moment isnt a good idea because DS1 needs time and space to work through his emotions before he can really have a conversation and comprehend what I'm saying.

So how do you remember later to have those discussions? My memory of high emotion events is also poor.

So tips? Tricks? Ideas?

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[ShiriChayim]

I rarely discuss actual events outside of the moment because for my kids it's pretty pointless. I do address big concepts in calm times, and in the moment I intentionally "work through" the situation WITH them using those big concepts we'd talked about.

For my son's struggle with his anger, the way that looked altogether broke down something like this:

In calm times:
Manage my own anger appropriately. At times I even talked through what I was doing to set a good example: "Right now I'm feeling very angry and frustrated because you're not doing as I asked so I'm going to take some deep breaths and calm down a moment so I can handle this."

Social stories-Warrior is on the spectrum and social stories are a big help with bringing up topics.

One on one time: intentionally bringing him into my room and doing something fun just the two of us away from the others like playing cards. A little into the card game I might comment about how I've noticed he's been really having a rough time controlling his anger (light-no judgement or shaming, just an observation) and ask him what he thinks about that. How he feels when he can tell he's getting angry, when he's really mad and acting out, and afterwards when he's done something to hurt a sibling. I ask him what he thinks might help and we brainstorm together.

We eventually put together a list of anger management techniques that he could use to resolve situations.

In the moment I then remind him about his options. "I can see you are starting to feel angry, can you try breathing in and out?" Or whatever he wants to use to get himself through. I scripted him and dealt with things. And yes we crisis managed as needed. But the whole point of dealing with things in down moments is to give him the tools he needs to AVOID the crisis points in the first place. Not to bring up problems after the fact.

[MegMarch]

Can you make an appointment for discussion? "Kid, what happened wasn't ok, let's take a break and talk after snack time about making a plan for next time."

My daughter is a lot younger but responds well to the idea of making a plan for next time. It cuts some of the stress of hashing out something that has happened already I think.

[wildswede]

This is a total teacher-thing, but I always have a notebook and pen with me that stays in my purse and if we're at home, there's paper and pens everywhere, so I will stop in "the moment" and just write it down--- I'll even mention to my son that I'm going to write this down so we can talk later if the moment isn't appropriate.

[SewingGreenMama]

Yes I could do that and actually put a reminder in my phone.

They both respond well to playing out events with legos and other little people toys. So that is an option for working out plans etc.
i need to work on shutting up, helping him work through his emotions, setting up an event in my phone and playing and talking it out later.

I"m trying to read playful parenting but i have so little time to read in general. I think I might start taking the boys outside in the mornings and read while V explores the grass lol.

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