9.5 and *still* has attitude about chores

[NovelMama]

For the last 6 months one of AJ's responsibilities has been to empty the dishwasher when it's done, and then load it up with whatever stuff is in the sink or lying around the kitchen waiting to be cleaned. She STILL doesn't do this without us asking (even if she herself has gotten a clean dish out of the dishwasher to use - meaning she knows there are clean dishes waiting to be unloaded), STILL huffs and eyerolls and acts as if it's some new burden, STILL leaves some of the clean stuff on the counter because "she can't reach where it goes" (even though we've discussed this plenty of times before and she knows how we want her to handle those dishes) and STILL won't load the dirty dishes unless I specifically remind her that those have to be done as well, *even though* the unloading/loading has always been a "package deal." :headbang

Am I mistaken in thinking that we should be way beyond this by now? We want to give her more chores because we know she can and should be doing more, but the teeth-pulling involved in the few jobs we've already given her is so frustrating that I frankly don't want to have to deal with more of it. It's worst with the dishes. She cleans the cat box with a fraction of the fuss, though she usually still does huff about it. Cleaning her room is almost as frustrating, though she'll usually just hide in there for a while, do about 50% of what I've asked, and then pout when I point out everything she hasn't done when she insists she's finished. Those are the only things she's expected to do on a regular basis.

I think some of it is tied to the friend issue that I talked about elsewhere on the board - she's itching to get out to play and gets mad that she has to work on stuff here. I have no idea what the responsibilities are of the other kids around here, though I'd guess they all have *some* responsibilities -I seriously doubt she's the only one. But, even if she IS the only one, that should be irrelevant - she has the same responsibilities EVERY DAY and should know she's going to have to do them before she goes out, so what's with the attitude??

[Aerynne]

Kids who give me attitude about chores or do them incompletely get extra chores (for example ds1 is supposed to unload the dishwasher. If he doesn't do it until the afternoon [he's supposed to do it before breakfast] then he also has to sleep the floor). ETA: That was a typo. It was supposed to be sweep the floor. I hope no one is thinking I make him sleep on the floor.

Kids who give me attitude about anything do not play with friends that day .

Would either of those help?

[blondie]

Sleep on the floor for not doing chores?

[ValiantJoy07]

Originally Posted by blondie

Sleep on the floor for not doing chores?

I saw that too and went I think she meant sWeep the floor.

---------- Post added at 12:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:55 PM ----------

as for the OP. At 9.5 having to do that every day would be hard to swallow.

Is there any way to add some variety? Say M,W,F she has to do the DW but Tuesday she vacuums the LR and Thursday she changes sheets and does laundry? And the weekends you or DH do it.

I don't like to unload the dishwasher every day, and I'm a grown up. DH and I take turns with chores and when they are really getting to feel suffocating I find ways to change them up some how.

[bananacake]

My 5 1/2 y/o and 8 y/o have been unloaded the dishwasher for a year, often several times a day.

I've been using Crystal's idea about wanting extra privileges means you're ready for extra responsibilities. But I'm not sure how much of what I do is what she said and how much is what I've mixed in. But here, being in our family means being kind and responsible. And there are certain things you have to do before you've earned the privilege of TV or video games or "fill in the blank."

So I'd say she can't go outside until her room is clean, dishes done correctly, etc.

Also, "family gets best, or no one gets the rest" or however that saying goes. So if you can't be kind to your family (and that means dropping the attitude/whining), then you don't get to go play with friends. Period.

[NovelMama]

Originally Posted by Aerynne

Kids who give me attitude about chores or do them incompletely get extra chores (for example ds1 is supposed to unload the dishwasher. If he doesn't do it until the afternoon [he's supposed to do it before breakfast] then he also has to sleep the floor).

Kids who give me attitude about anything do not play with friends that day .

Would either of those help?

That is my inclination. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't off-base in thinking that the behavior was unacceptable at this age.

Originally Posted by ValiantJoy07

I saw that too and went I think she meant sWeep the floor.

---------- Post added at 12:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:55 PM ----------

as for the OP. At 9.5 having to do that every day would be hard to swallow.

Is there any way to add some variety? Say M,W,F she has to do the DW but Tuesday she vacuums the LR and Thursday she changes sheets and does laundry? And the weekends you or DH do it.

I don't like to unload the dishwasher every day, and I'm a grown up. DH and I take turns with chores and when they are really getting to feel suffocating I find ways to change them up some how.

Thank you for the reminder that not everyone likes structure and predictability the way I do. She's a lot like me, so I often forget that she ISN'T me. I'll talk to her and see if changing things up instead of doing the same thing every day would help her.

[The Tickle Momster]

We have much less complaining about unloading the dishwasher and dish drainer since I teamed the younger 2 up to do it. They are usually in there working together and having fun. Some days they need to be separated, but more often than not, it is done with laughter. Maybe it would help to have the girls work together?

I also agree with having them do the work before being allowed privileges like screens and friend time.

I also expect some amount of not wanting to do chores. I sure don't like doing them. So, I let some of the complaining go, as long as they are not slamming cupboards.

[mamacat]

It may help to try and have a time she unloads dishwasher. And to give her specific tasks to do in her room in chunks

[The Tickle Momster]

Originally Posted by mamacat

It may help to try and have a time she unloads dishwasher. And to give her specific tasks to do in her room in chunks

Yes, thank you. I meant to say something similar and went off on my own tangent. Definitely breaking big jobs into smaller ones. My older son will tell me a job is too big. I'll start breaking it down one step at a time now. He does one step. Knows I'm going to give him another step and now, can almost break it up himself. He gripes, but does it.

[Aerynne]

Originally Posted by blondie

Sleep on the floor for not doing chores?

Sorry- I edited that in my original, too. No, I am not that mean. SWeep the floor.

[DahliaRW]

As for "remembering" and "realizing", my dh unloads our dishwasher. He can pull a clean dish out and it still doesn't click "oh duh, it's clean". It may just be personality...

[ArmsOfLove]

Many children continue to need reminders of some kind at this age. And still complain about doing them. Routines can help but aren't a guarantee your child won't still need reminders. Even I complain about chores sometimes . I find the between 10 & 13 even less mature-in-this-area children are able to make huge leaps

[Soliloquy]

If she complains a lot about the DWer but hardly at all about the cat box then maybe she would like to trade chores. Maybe she'd rather wipe counters or vacuum or some other thing.

I prefer loading my own dishwasher because, when anyone else does it, I have to reorganize so everything will fit. I loathe cleaning the litter box, though. I would rather pull weeds than cook dinner.

[Amber]

We have the chores rotate so that no one has to do their dreaded chore all the time. I also have chore boards set up with tags that label the kids' responsibilities for the day and that they move to the "done" side when they have finished. There are no "extras" (media, friends, free play) until chores are done and marked off.

With the dishes, I have them empty the dishwasher first thing in the morning, then everyone puts their dishes in it as they use them. That cut down on a lot of the complaining from having to do someone else's dishes.

[NovelMama]

Originally Posted by mamacat

It may help to try and have a time she unloads dishwasher. And to give her specific tasks to do in her room in chunks

Everything is done in the morning as part of our morning routine. The chunking, yes - when her room is really bad I'll encourage her to tackle one specific part at a time. Having her tidy it every morning keeps it from getting too awful, though, so it's not normally necessary to chunk it.

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

Many children continue to need reminders of some kind at this age. And still complain about doing them. Routines can help but aren't a guarantee your child won't still need reminders. Even I complain about chores sometimes . I find the between 10 & 13 even less mature-in-this-area children are able to make huge leaps

I'm totally not expecting her to be Snow White about it and tra-la-la happily around the cottage as she cleans. I'm really not bothered by how much she doesn't like them but by the way she expresses that frustration, yk?

Originally Posted by Amber

We have the chores rotate so that no one has to do their dreaded chore all the time. I also have chore boards set up with tags that label the kids' responsibilities for the day and that they move to the "done" side when they have finished. There are no "extras" (media, friends, free play) until chores are done and marked off.

With the dishes, I have them empty the dishwasher first thing in the morning, then everyone puts their dishes in it as they use them. That cut down on a lot of the complaining from having to do someone else's dishes.

I like that idea for the chore chart; I need to think about something like that! Everyone is supposed to put their own dishes in all the time; there aren't usually that many sitting in the sink.