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08-19-2015, 07:22 PM | #1 |
Rose Blossom
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
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So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
One thing that I hear frequently talked about on homeschool and Christian parenting boards in general is addressing the child's heart, addressing heart issues, working on character.... But HOW exactly do you do that? How do you pull these issues back to the Gospel? I'm looking for practical info here. My oldest is almost 7 and we are doing 1st grade homeschool work. Every single day she has a bad attitude about it, yells NO at me, and is just.... cranky and rude about it. Every day. I've tried having conversations with her about choosing to have a bad attitude about something or choosing to be joyful and looking at the positive in situations, even ones you might not like, but I'm met with the same grumpiness. It's almost like she doesn't care to change, she just wants to be... a grump. lol I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And this is just one example of the many heart issues I feel I have to deal with in her. I know that the Holy Spirit is the one that convicts and cleanses from unrighteousness, but what do I SAY to her to help her through this?
I hope all this made sense. Looking forward to advice from you seasoned parents.
__________________
...Hilary... mommy to Charlotte (12/08) Clara (11/10) Benjamin (12/12) Luke (7/15) |
08-19-2015, 09:07 PM | #2 |
Rose Garden
The Gospel is for Christians, too :).
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,908
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
The Holy Spirit works, convicting and cleansing, through God's Word - including God's Word spoken by one believer to another. So, like many Christians, I try to root my teaching of behavior, character, and morality in God's Word. Specifically, my tradition (Lutheran) teaches the Ten Commandments as the summary of the Law, how God's people ought to act, and so it forms the foundation for teaching and building character. In Luther's Small Catechism (which is a summary of the core teachings of Scripture, sort of a mini-Bible ), the explanation of each commandment (which draws from the whole Bible) has both a negative, "here's what *not* to do" component and a positive, "here's what *to* do" component. We've been learning the catechism as part of our family devotions, and it has provided a common way to think about moral behavior and what is right and wrong. So, for example, when a kid hauls off and whacks their sibling , I can point to the fifth commandment (you shall not murder, which we explain as "we should fear and love God so that we do not hurt or harm our neighbor in his body, but help and support him in every physical need") as the reason why hitting is wrong.
Anyway, looking at whining and grumbling at the tasks that one's parents set before you through the commandments, I'd talk about that in the context of breaking the fourth commandment (honor your father and your mother). I'd also consider whining and grumbling in the context of the First Commandment (have no other gods - which means we should fear, love, and trust in God above all things), the First Article of the Apostles' Creed (I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth - which means, among other things, that God gives us every single solitary good thing that we possess), and the "thy will be done" petition of the Lord's Prayer. Often ime, my whining and grumbling comes from me wanting *my* will to be done, not God's . And it's too easy to ignore all the good gifts we *do* have as we focus on the good things we are lacking - *all* good is from God , not just the particular good thing we are focusing on . Wrt "pulling back to the Gospel", practically speaking that means modeling and teaching a practice of confessing our sins to God and each other, and both forgiving each other and reminding each other of the forgiveness that God gives us through Christ. Because God forgave us, we forgive each other. That's the core of grace-based parenting to me - living a life that's rooted in *forgiveness*. Because God forgave me, I forgive those who sin against me. And not only that, but when I am speaking to fellow believers, I can reassure them that not only do *I* forgive their sin against me, but *God* likewise forgives their sin against *him* . And not only do I model and teach forgiveness, I also model and teach confession (because, as my kids have ample opportunity to witness, I have a lot of things to confess ) - acknowledging my wrongs and being heartily sorry for them and repenting of them. So my teaching of character, of what God tells us to do, is rooted in an overall life of *forgiveness*. Grace-based parenting isn't just about helping my kids meet a standard they couldn't have met by themselves - that's a big part of teaching them how to do what God commands us to do, but it doesn't do a thing to help deal with when we *fail* to do what God commands us to do. Learning to do something right doesn't make up for the times we did it wrong . No, God's grace is all about His forgiveness to us, and so grace-based parenting is all about parenting rooted in *forgiveness*, both God's and ours. We give God's grace to each other through speaking the Gospel promises to each other , and because and through that divine grace we give *our* forgiveness to others, too.
__________________
~ forty-two ~
Possessor of The Answer to Everything and Solver of (Somebody Else's) Problems INTJ: introverted iNtuition with extraverted Thinking DYT 4/2: connecting intellectually and emotionally Enneagram 5w4: a need to perceive and to feel special Wife to my pastor dh (INTP) since 2003 Mother to: dd13, 'R' dd10.5, 'A' ds8, 'J' and two in heaven: miscarried 10/29/04 and 01/01/05 Blog: Lutherama What we want is just one thing, not the thing. Last edited by forty-two; 08-19-2015 at 09:33 PM. |
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08-19-2015, 09:23 PM | #3 |
Rose Blossom
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
Wow, thank you SO much for writing all that out! I totally agree with all you have said. We are going through the Westminster Shorter Catechism right now. I think we'll go through the 10 Comandments again.
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...Hilary... mommy to Charlotte (12/08) Clara (11/10) Benjamin (12/12) Luke (7/15) |
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08-20-2015, 12:25 AM | #4 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
For me, addressing the child's heart would mean taking a critical look at a curriculum/homeschool schedule that my child obviously doesn't like and discussing that with her, really listening to her desires about what to do differently. Explain your goals, also. That is modelling good character and relationship skills. There are so many ways to learn. I don't believe that arbitrary assignments and goals build character. In my experience, they build resentment toward learning. Intrinsic motivation cannot be taught. We are born with it-- and it can be stifled-- but it cannot be taught.
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08-20-2015, 10:03 AM | #5 |
Administrator
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
I think this is an opportunity for team building and relationship building. No, of course she doesn't want to do what she doesn't want to do. It takes major maturity for me to clean the bathrooms without grumbling and I'm not seven. I have always tried to look at my relationship with my kids as 'a sister in Christ' - I am their mother on earth, their sister for eternity. Considering that, I am accountable to them how I use the scriptures in my authority over them. I would much prefer to tell my son 'we must do this because it is the law that you receive and education' than 'you must do this or you are displeasing God' and let general spiritual education bleed over into our school rather than the other way around.
I agree looking at what you are doing school-wise is a great place to start. Also consider time, place, interruptions, etc, etc. For example, my son does well with '45 min on, 45 min off' routine, but doesn't do as well with 'push through until it's done'. In our case, year round school takes the pressure off so that when we have to leave the house for things with his sisters we don't feel like we have to make up the day.
__________________
Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19 |
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08-20-2015, 11:10 AM | #6 | |||
Rose Garden
The Gospel is for Christians, too :).
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,908
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
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In any case, I do not hold to a hard boundary between spiritual and academic matters. There is a distinction between the temporal estate and the heavenly estate, but the temporal realm is as much spiritual as earthly, and the heavenly realm is as much earthly as spiritual. And God and His Law rules them both - there are two realms, but they are each part of the *same* world - *God's* world. And we as Christians live in both realms - but we live *fully* in both realms. We are body and soul, physical and spiritual, and our spiritual nature is as at home in the temporal realm as our physical selves are at home in the heavenly realm. We are whole people, united body and soul, living in a whole world, a world that unites the physical and spiritual in everything .
__________________
~ forty-two ~
Possessor of The Answer to Everything and Solver of (Somebody Else's) Problems INTJ: introverted iNtuition with extraverted Thinking DYT 4/2: connecting intellectually and emotionally Enneagram 5w4: a need to perceive and to feel special Wife to my pastor dh (INTP) since 2003 Mother to: dd13, 'R' dd10.5, 'A' ds8, 'J' and two in heaven: miscarried 10/29/04 and 01/01/05 Blog: Lutherama What we want is just one thing, not the thing. Last edited by forty-two; 08-20-2015 at 11:21 AM. |
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08-20-2015, 12:24 PM | #7 | ||
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 34,551
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
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__________________
Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19 |
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08-20-2015, 12:25 PM | #8 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
If there is a civil law requiring us do to something, that does not make that something virtuous, Godly, or even worthy. Parents are told not to frustrate their children. The conventional school system was not designed with the developmental needs of children in mind. It was designed with the needs of educational institutions in mind and ease of gathering qualitative data. So, to quote the commandments when a child is having a very natural reaction to being placed in a very unnatural situation is to frustrate the child, in my opinion. You can have a discussion with the child, "the law in our state requires me to teach you these subjects. But there are so many ways we can do that! You really seem to dislike the way we're doing it now. What ideas do you have? Would you like to talk about other options with me?" Rather than assume that I, as mother, have not contributed anything to making the situation difficult but that all burden for peaceful homeschooling lies with the child.
And I think that is modelling good character. When there is tension in a relationship, we look at what is happening, what we both need, what we can change, and what we must accept. Last edited by Soliloquy; 08-20-2015 at 12:28 PM. |
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08-20-2015, 01:14 PM | #9 | ||||
Rose Garden
The Gospel is for Christians, too :).
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,908
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
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But the same is true of the commandment to obey our earthly authorities, including parents - the only condition placed on it is if obeying said authority would lead us into sin. I do believe that obedience can and does include raising questions and asking them to consider alternative options - it is no blind obedience. But it's not conditional obedience, either, any more than the authority's responsibility to always act in the best interest of those who are in their care is conditional . ETA: Speak truth to power, absolutely - but the fact that authority needs to have truth spoken to them doesn't negate the fact they still are - and remain - your authority, kwim? WRT dealing with a dysfunctional-yet-means-well beauracracy - that's an interesting question, especially if applied to dealing with dysfunctional-yet-means-well parents (because you can't opt-out there the way you sometimes can with beauracracy). Bit far afield of the original question imo, though . I mean, to me the main issue here is that, whatever you see as the precise nature of one's moral duty to parents and other authorities, do you see that moral duty as being rooted ultimately in Scripture or from another source? I believe that *all* our moral duties, including our temporal ones, are rooted in God's Law, but often secularism assumes a sharp divide there - that only spiritual moral duties are legitimately rooted in religion, but that public/earthly/"secular" moral duties have to be rooted in the natural world to be legitimate - spiritual authority has no authority in the natural world or in natural, secular matters. ---------- Post added at 03:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:55 PM ---------- Quote:
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The key to not giving our kids the idea that they are doomed to be alienated from an impossibly holy God is to continually speak God's grace and forgiveness to them - that's the only true path to God, and that's the life-giving message we all need to hear over and over .
__________________
~ forty-two ~
Possessor of The Answer to Everything and Solver of (Somebody Else's) Problems INTJ: introverted iNtuition with extraverted Thinking DYT 4/2: connecting intellectually and emotionally Enneagram 5w4: a need to perceive and to feel special Wife to my pastor dh (INTP) since 2003 Mother to: dd13, 'R' dd10.5, 'A' ds8, 'J' and two in heaven: miscarried 10/29/04 and 01/01/05 Blog: Lutherama What we want is just one thing, not the thing. Last edited by forty-two; 08-20-2015 at 01:37 PM. |
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08-20-2015, 01:36 PM | #10 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 8,764
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
Ehh. I just tell my almost seven year that he can't speak to me that way, and if he wastes time fighting me and being rude, there simply usnt time for screens, which is what he's usually allowed after schoolwork is done.
They're seven. I don't read anything into it beyond " I'd rather play Lego and you're making me DO STUFF!!1!" |
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08-20-2015, 01:37 PM | #11 |
Deactivated
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Location: Texas
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
Ways I address character traits:
I talk about them directly. "I saw you give your brother your chair,that was kind." Read books that contain opportunities to address them directly. I find this method helpful to talk about things like jealousy,impatience,consequences both good and bad. I talk to myself as I'm working for the benefit of my children. "I do not want to do dishes,but I'm going to put on some music and get it done." I also empathize with them and lay out acceptable and unacceptable responses. I tell A I understand her frustration about doing schoolwork (we also homeschool),I give her ways to express that,scripting if necessary. Sometimes she just chooses to silently push through and feel all her big emotions inside. Then when the work is done,I comment "I know you didn't want to finish that worksheet,but you used determination and saw it through." I do a lot of this sort of thing andI start young,maybe two or so. I haven't addressed the heart very much except to point out a few times that the Disney creators are not getting their ideas from Scripture and that the Bible says to guard your heart and lead it,not follow it. I have talked to my kids a lot about the mind,will and emotions though. |
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08-20-2015, 04:20 PM | #12 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
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Location: Selkirk Mountains
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
I think the difference in our perspectives, 42, is that I don't see a 7 year-old whining as a sin issue any more than I see a toddler having a meltdown as a sin issue. They're issues of immaturity. They are coping mechanisms that become inappropriate with age but I feel very strongly against calling it sin.
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08-20-2015, 05:06 PM | #13 | |
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
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__________________
Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19 |
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08-20-2015, 11:58 PM | #14 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 30,329
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
Character and heart issues are a lifelong learning experience IMO. Thank goodness character at 7 or 17 or 37 isn't the end of the story. These are the work of the Holy Spirit and I can do my best to model and teach, but in the end I'm still a work in progress too. I'm not a fan of spiritualizing a kid acting like a kid. We do what is right sometimes out of guilt or rules, but real obedience is born of love. When we love, we want to do what is right. IOW we don't become more loving by less complaining. Rather we complain less
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08-21-2015, 09:38 AM | #15 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Apr 2005
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Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?
I meltdown sometimes we just "adultize" by calling it impatience, having a bad day, loosing my cool so I remind myself of that when my kids are being rude. I take a deep breath and ask how I'd want to be treated if the tables were turned and they were the parent and I the child.
Some of my responses: "I hear you're upset, try again using more respectful words." Or "We both are upset let's come back to this when we both are calmer." Or "That's not acceptable. It's time for a redo." I've also said, "You may not speak to me/him/her that way. Go cool down and come back when you are ready to speak your opinion in a respectful manner." Only the Holy Spirit can change the heart. I encourage them to spend time in the Word and we often begin the day with a scripture reading but I can not change their heart. That's personal and between them and God. I also can't force them to spend time with God. I can suggest it and explain why it's beneficial but they have to desire it on their own in order for them to develop a relationship with Him. My desire is for them to have a relationship. I want them to shun religion and legalism.
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Sue ~Mom to four awesome boys ages 24, 22, 18, and 17 (and a wonderful daughter-in-love as of June 2022! ) Feel free to visit my little nook Last edited by Peaceful Meadows; 08-21-2015 at 09:42 AM. |
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