Gentle Christian Mothers Community
 
Random Quotes from Wise Mamas

~* Please help keep GCM free by using our
Amazon.com affiliate link. Thank you! *~


Go Back   Gentle Christian Mothers Community > Specific Issues > Gentle Discipline *Public*
Forgot Password? Join Us!

Gentle Discipline *Public* A public forum.
GCM Webpage: Gentle Discipline

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-19-2015, 07:22 PM   #1
Hilary316
Rose Blossom
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
Hilary316 is just really niceHilary316 is just really niceHilary316 is just really niceHilary316 is just really nice
arrow So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

One thing that I hear frequently talked about on homeschool and Christian parenting boards in general is addressing the child's heart, addressing heart issues, working on character.... But HOW exactly do you do that? How do you pull these issues back to the Gospel? I'm looking for practical info here. My oldest is almost 7 and we are doing 1st grade homeschool work. Every single day she has a bad attitude about it, yells NO at me, and is just.... cranky and rude about it. Every day. I've tried having conversations with her about choosing to have a bad attitude about something or choosing to be joyful and looking at the positive in situations, even ones you might not like, but I'm met with the same grumpiness. It's almost like she doesn't care to change, she just wants to be... a grump. lol I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And this is just one example of the many heart issues I feel I have to deal with in her. I know that the Holy Spirit is the one that convicts and cleanses from unrighteousness, but what do I SAY to her to help her through this?

I hope all this made sense. Looking forward to advice from you seasoned parents.
__________________
...Hilary...
mommy to
Charlotte (12/08)
Clara (11/10)
Benjamin (12/12)
Luke (7/15)
Hilary316 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-19-2015, 09:07 PM   #2
forty-two
Rose Garden
 
The Gospel is for Christians, too :).
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,908
forty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

The Holy Spirit works, convicting and cleansing, through God's Word - including God's Word spoken by one believer to another. So, like many Christians, I try to root my teaching of behavior, character, and morality in God's Word. Specifically, my tradition (Lutheran) teaches the Ten Commandments as the summary of the Law, how God's people ought to act, and so it forms the foundation for teaching and building character. In Luther's Small Catechism (which is a summary of the core teachings of Scripture, sort of a mini-Bible ), the explanation of each commandment (which draws from the whole Bible) has both a negative, "here's what *not* to do" component and a positive, "here's what *to* do" component. We've been learning the catechism as part of our family devotions, and it has provided a common way to think about moral behavior and what is right and wrong. So, for example, when a kid hauls off and whacks their sibling , I can point to the fifth commandment (you shall not murder, which we explain as "we should fear and love God so that we do not hurt or harm our neighbor in his body, but help and support him in every physical need") as the reason why hitting is wrong.



Anyway, looking at whining and grumbling at the tasks that one's parents set before you through the commandments, I'd talk about that in the context of breaking the fourth commandment (honor your father and your mother). I'd also consider whining and grumbling in the context of the First Commandment (have no other gods - which means we should fear, love, and trust in God above all things), the First Article of the Apostles' Creed (I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth - which means, among other things, that God gives us every single solitary good thing that we possess), and the "thy will be done" petition of the Lord's Prayer. Often ime, my whining and grumbling comes from me wanting *my* will to be done, not God's . And it's too easy to ignore all the good gifts we *do* have as we focus on the good things we are lacking - *all* good is from God , not just the particular good thing we are focusing on .


Wrt "pulling back to the Gospel", practically speaking that means modeling and teaching a practice of confessing our sins to God and each other, and both forgiving each other and reminding each other of the forgiveness that God gives us through Christ. Because God forgave us, we forgive each other. That's the core of grace-based parenting to me - living a life that's rooted in *forgiveness*. Because God forgave me, I forgive those who sin against me. And not only that, but when I am speaking to fellow believers, I can reassure them that not only do *I* forgive their sin against me, but *God* likewise forgives their sin against *him* . And not only do I model and teach forgiveness, I also model and teach confession (because, as my kids have ample opportunity to witness, I have a lot of things to confess ) - acknowledging my wrongs and being heartily sorry for them and repenting of them.

So my teaching of character, of what God tells us to do, is rooted in an overall life of *forgiveness*. Grace-based parenting isn't just about helping my kids meet a standard they couldn't have met by themselves - that's a big part of teaching them how to do what God commands us to do, but it doesn't do a thing to help deal with when we *fail* to do what God commands us to do. Learning to do something right doesn't make up for the times we did it wrong . No, God's grace is all about His forgiveness to us, and so grace-based parenting is all about parenting rooted in *forgiveness*, both God's and ours. We give God's grace to each other through speaking the Gospel promises to each other , and because and through that divine grace we give *our* forgiveness to others, too.
__________________
~ forty-two ~
Possessor of The Answer to Everything and Solver of (Somebody Else's) Problems

INTJ: introverted iNtuition with extraverted Thinking
DYT 4/2: connecting intellectually and emotionally
Enneagram 5w4: a need to perceive and to feel special


Wife to my pastor dh (INTP) since 2003

Mother to:
dd13, 'R'
dd10.5, 'A'
ds8, 'J'
and two in heaven: miscarried 10/29/04 and 01/01/05

Blog: Lutherama

What we want is just one thing, not the thing.

Last edited by forty-two; 08-19-2015 at 09:33 PM.
forty-two is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to forty-two For This Useful Post:
Dtswife (01-09-2016), MercyInDisguise (08-19-2015), Vicki_T (08-19-2015)
Old 08-19-2015, 09:23 PM   #3
Hilary316
Rose Blossom
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
Hilary316 is just really niceHilary316 is just really niceHilary316 is just really niceHilary316 is just really nice
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Wow, thank you SO much for writing all that out! I totally agree with all you have said. We are going through the Westminster Shorter Catechism right now. I think we'll go through the 10 Comandments again.
__________________
...Hilary...
mommy to
Charlotte (12/08)
Clara (11/10)
Benjamin (12/12)
Luke (7/15)
Hilary316 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hilary316 For This Useful Post:
forty-two (08-19-2015), MercyInDisguise (08-19-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 12:25 AM   #4
Soliloquy
Rose Garden
 
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
Soliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

For me, addressing the child's heart would mean taking a critical look at a curriculum/homeschool schedule that my child obviously doesn't like and discussing that with her, really listening to her desires about what to do differently. Explain your goals, also. That is modelling good character and relationship skills. There are so many ways to learn. I don't believe that arbitrary assignments and goals build character. In my experience, they build resentment toward learning. Intrinsic motivation cannot be taught. We are born with it-- and it can be stifled-- but it cannot be taught.
Soliloquy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Soliloquy For This Useful Post:
bananacake (08-20-2015), FlyingBlueKiwi (08-22-2015), MercyInDisguise (08-20-2015), Peaceful Meadows (08-21-2015), rjy9343 (08-21-2015), SewingGreenMama (08-20-2015), sweetpeasmommy (08-20-2015), TraceMama (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 10:03 AM   #5
CelticJourney
Administrator
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 34,551
CelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

I think this is an opportunity for team building and relationship building. No, of course she doesn't want to do what she doesn't want to do. It takes major maturity for me to clean the bathrooms without grumbling and I'm not seven. I have always tried to look at my relationship with my kids as 'a sister in Christ' - I am their mother on earth, their sister for eternity. Considering that, I am accountable to them how I use the scriptures in my authority over them. I would much prefer to tell my son 'we must do this because it is the law that you receive and education' than 'you must do this or you are displeasing God' and let general spiritual education bleed over into our school rather than the other way around.

I agree looking at what you are doing school-wise is a great place to start. Also consider time, place, interruptions, etc, etc. For example, my son does well with '45 min on, 45 min off' routine, but doesn't do as well with 'push through until it's done'. In our case, year round school takes the pressure off so that when we have to leave the house for things with his sisters we don't feel like we have to make up the day.
__________________
Elizabeth

"Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep

Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19
CelticJourney is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to CelticJourney For This Useful Post:
Dtswife (01-09-2016), Elyse221 (08-20-2015), FlyingBlueKiwi (08-22-2015), Johns_Gal (08-20-2015), MegMarch (08-21-2015), MercyInDisguise (08-20-2015), rjy9343 (08-21-2015), SewingGreenMama (08-20-2015), Soliloquy (08-20-2015), sweetpeasmommy (08-20-2015), TraceMama (08-20-2015), Virginia (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 11:10 AM   #6
forty-two
Rose Garden
 
The Gospel is for Christians, too :).
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,908
forty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticJourney View Post
I have always tried to look at my relationship with my kids as 'a sister in Christ' - I am their mother on earth, their sister for eternity. Considering that, I am accountable to them how I use the scriptures in my authority over them.
<snip>
I agree looking at what you are doing school-wise is a great place to start. Also consider time, place, interruptions, etc, etc. For example, my son does well with '45 min on, 45 min off' routine, but doesn't do as well with 'push through until it's done'. In our case, year round school takes the pressure off so that when we have to leave the house for things with his sisters we don't feel like we have to make up the day.
I very much agree with this - my children and I are on the same team, we are all fellow Christians who are living by God's grace and together we help each other live as children of God are to live . And as their mother I have the heavy responsibility of using my authority to *their* benefit, which includes not exasperating them but raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord - which certainly means I am accountable for teaching and applying the Scriptures rightly in my raising of them. And part of "not exasperating them" for me is looking at what I am asking them to do, and how I expect them to do it, and if they need more support than I am currently giving them, or if things need to be restructured. And I ask for and value their input in figuring out the best way for us to live lives worthy of our calling.

Quote:
I would much prefer to tell my son 'we must do this because it is the law that you receive and education' than 'you must do this or you are displeasing God'
This distinction confuses me, as my understanding is that the reason Christians follow the laws of the land is *because* God commands us to obey lawful authorities, because He established them for the good of mankind, to restrain evil. So to me those two statements aren't opposites, but two ways of saying the same thing - we follow the educational laws of the country because God tells us we must obey our lawful authorities (except when they go against God's Law).

Quote:
and <not> let general spiritual education bleed over into our school rather than the other way around.
I'm not sure I'm understanding you here . By "<not> let general spiritual education bleed over into our school" do you mean to say that you believe that God's Law has nothing to say wrt schooling - that there's a hard boundary between spiritual and academic education, and that spiritual education ought not to cross that boundary and intrude on academic education - that academic education is inherently secular? And by "rather than the other way around", do you mean that though it's *not* appropriate for spiritual education to intrude on academic/secular education, it *is* appropriate for academic/secular education to intrude on spiritual education? That while academics ought to be kept free of spiritual influence and input, the reverse is not true - rather, spiritual education ought to be influenced by academic/secular matters. That the proper relation between spiritual matters and academic/secular matters is one-way only - the academic/secular informs the spiritual, but the spiritual in no way presumes to have any influence on the academic/secular? Am I understanding you rightly? - I don't want to misunderstand .

In any case, I do not hold to a hard boundary between spiritual and academic matters. There is a distinction between the temporal estate and the heavenly estate, but the temporal realm is as much spiritual as earthly, and the heavenly realm is as much earthly as spiritual. And God and His Law rules them both - there are two realms, but they are each part of the *same* world - *God's* world. And we as Christians live in both realms - but we live *fully* in both realms. We are body and soul, physical and spiritual, and our spiritual nature is as at home in the temporal realm as our physical selves are at home in the heavenly realm. We are whole people, united body and soul, living in a whole world, a world that unites the physical and spiritual in everything .

__________________
~ forty-two ~
Possessor of The Answer to Everything and Solver of (Somebody Else's) Problems

INTJ: introverted iNtuition with extraverted Thinking
DYT 4/2: connecting intellectually and emotionally
Enneagram 5w4: a need to perceive and to feel special


Wife to my pastor dh (INTP) since 2003

Mother to:
dd13, 'R'
dd10.5, 'A'
ds8, 'J'
and two in heaven: miscarried 10/29/04 and 01/01/05

Blog: Lutherama

What we want is just one thing, not the thing.

Last edited by forty-two; 08-20-2015 at 11:21 AM.
forty-two is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-20-2015, 12:24 PM   #7
CelticJourney
Administrator
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 34,551
CelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Quote:
Originally Posted by forty-two View Post
...This distinction confuses me, as my understanding is that the reason Christians follow the laws of the land is *because* God commands us to obey lawful authorities, because He established them for the good of mankind, to restrain evil. So to me those two statements aren't opposites, but two ways of saying the same thing - we follow the educational laws of the country because God tells us we must obey our lawful authorities (except when they go against God's Law)
Humm.....I'm a Scots-Irish daughter of the revolution, including a grandfather imprisoned for being a minister of the wrong denomination (ie, not Church of England), so I think that gets to a point of splitting hairs. If we have the freedom to determine what we think is with or against God's Law, then we are not 'obedient' to authority, but part of a government for the people and by the people. But this is a rabbit trail for me (see below)

Quote:
.....- the academic/secular informs the spiritual, but the spiritual in no way presumes to have any influence on the academic/secular? Am I understanding you rightly? - I don't want to misunderstand .
No. What I am saying is that we have a job to do. We have several reasons that job needs to be done. I would rather err on the side of emphasis on the secular reason for the moment to remove the tension on a small child than take the risk giving the message that 'God says happy is the only acceptable response.' It is not ignoring the spiritual or discounting it, but never do I want my children to be given the idea that the negative reactions or feelings of a small child are dishonoring God because that can create the image of a God who is impossible to please and therefore to be avoided.
__________________
Elizabeth

"Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep

Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19
CelticJourney is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CelticJourney For This Useful Post:
sweetpeasmommy (08-20-2015), TraceMama (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 12:25 PM   #8
Soliloquy
Rose Garden
 
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
Soliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

If there is a civil law requiring us do to something, that does not make that something virtuous, Godly, or even worthy. Parents are told not to frustrate their children. The conventional school system was not designed with the developmental needs of children in mind. It was designed with the needs of educational institutions in mind and ease of gathering qualitative data. So, to quote the commandments when a child is having a very natural reaction to being placed in a very unnatural situation is to frustrate the child, in my opinion. You can have a discussion with the child, "the law in our state requires me to teach you these subjects. But there are so many ways we can do that! You really seem to dislike the way we're doing it now. What ideas do you have? Would you like to talk about other options with me?" Rather than assume that I, as mother, have not contributed anything to making the situation difficult but that all burden for peaceful homeschooling lies with the child.

And I think that is modelling good character. When there is tension in a relationship, we look at what is happening, what we both need, what we can change, and what we must accept.

Last edited by Soliloquy; 08-20-2015 at 12:28 PM.
Soliloquy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Soliloquy For This Useful Post:
CelticJourney (08-20-2015), rjy9343 (08-21-2015), sweetpeasmommy (08-20-2015), TraceMama (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 01:14 PM   #9
forty-two
Rose Garden
 
The Gospel is for Christians, too :).
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,908
forty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond reputeforty-two has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soliloquy View Post
If there is a civil law requiring us do to something, that does not make that something virtuous, Godly, or even worthy. Parents are told not to frustrate their children. The conventional school system was not designed with the developmental needs of children in mind. It was designed with the needs of educational institutions in mind and ease of gathering qualitative data. So, to quote the commandments when a child is having a very natural reaction to being placed in a very unnatural situation is to frustrate the child, in my opinion.
There are right ways and wrong ways to react to intolerable situations, though . And generally speaking whining and grumbling and being all "Well, I'm just not going to do that! " is imo a wrong way of dealing with it. I mean, when *I* am faced with an intolerable-to-me situation, I tend to get overwhelmed and angry and want to lash out at the cause. I think it is a natural response, but that doesn't make it a *right* one. IDK, that's a big part of what I try to teach my kids - faced with an overwhelming situation, or something they can't do or think they can't do - what should they do? The goal for me is for them to be able to calmly and respectfully state what they view as the problem, and if possible to offer alternative solutions - that's what we are working towards. And since they are not able to do this on their own, I give them lots of help in calming down and walking them through how they think and feel, giving them appropriate words, and helping them think of alternatives. But none of their very understandable frustration at being put in an intolerable situation in any way excuses or allows them to flaunt authority or otherwise sin in their frustration . Dealing with the unacceptable reaction is just as important as - and separate from - dealing with remedying the intolerable situation. They are both imo integral parts of my parental responsibilities.

Quote:
You can have a discussion with the child, "the law in our state requires me to teach you these subjects. But there are so many ways we can do that! You really seem to dislike the way we're doing it now. What ideas do you have? Would you like to talk about other options with me?" Rather than assume that I, as mother, have not contributed anything to making the situation difficult but that all burden for peaceful homeschooling lies with the child.
I'm very sorry I gave the impression that I think it is all on the child to adapt themselves to the demands of authority - that is not what I think at all . Authority, parental or governmental, has the responsibility to use their authority for the benefit of those under them, to not exasperate them, to not lead them to sin. It is sin of mine if do wrong by my child, and that includes if by my actions I lead my child to sin - that is no light burden . And that responsibility is not conditional - I must always act in my child's best interest no matter how disobedient they might be .

But the same is true of the commandment to obey our earthly authorities, including parents - the only condition placed on it is if obeying said authority would lead us into sin. I do believe that obedience can and does include raising questions and asking them to consider alternative options - it is no blind obedience. But it's not conditional obedience, either, any more than the authority's responsibility to always act in the best interest of those who are in their care is conditional . ETA: Speak truth to power, absolutely - but the fact that authority needs to have truth spoken to them doesn't negate the fact they still are - and remain - your authority, kwim?

WRT dealing with a dysfunctional-yet-means-well beauracracy - that's an interesting question, especially if applied to dealing with dysfunctional-yet-means-well parents (because you can't opt-out there the way you sometimes can with beauracracy). Bit far afield of the original question imo, though . I mean, to me the main issue here is that, whatever you see as the precise nature of one's moral duty to parents and other authorities, do you see that moral duty as being rooted ultimately in Scripture or from another source? I believe that *all* our moral duties, including our temporal ones, are rooted in God's Law, but often secularism assumes a sharp divide there - that only spiritual moral duties are legitimately rooted in religion, but that public/earthly/"secular" moral duties have to be rooted in the natural world to be legitimate - spiritual authority has no authority in the natural world or in natural, secular matters.

---------- Post added at 03:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:55 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticJourney View Post
No. What I am saying is that we have a job to do. We have several reasons that job needs to be done. I would rather err on the side of emphasis on the secular reason for the moment to remove the tension on a small child than take the risk giving the message that 'God says happy is the only acceptable response.'
I used to think the same - that it was better to leave God of out it than to risk teaching the wrong thing. I no longer think that - I now believe that it is equally bad to teach nothing as to teach the wrong thing about God. (And really, teaching nothing is just one particular way of teaching the wrong thing.) What needs to be done is to teach the *right* thing - teaching nothing isn't the lesser-but-not-wholly-wrong option it can seem like it is .

Quote:
It is not ignoring the spiritual or discounting it, but never do I want my children to be given the idea that the negative reactions or feelings of a small child are dishonoring God because that can create the image of a God who is impossible to please and therefore to be avoided.
The thing is, though, the God we know from the Law *is* impossible to please, and sinful man rather understandably *does* want to avoid Him and His righteous wrath. That's why we can't *stop* with the Law. We all of us need to hear the Gospel - that's the *only* path to reconciliation with the Father. As I said, I see the core of grace-based parenting as being *forgiveness* - which is another way of saying I see the core of GBD as the *Gospel*. The solution to our overwhelming sinfulness isn't to stay mum about it so we can ignore it, but rather to acknowledge it but then *not stop there*, but go on to give the Good News that through Christ we are *forgiven* , that God loved us so much that He decided not to leave us separated from Him in our sin but instead sent His Son to die in our place and reconcile us to Him . Yeah, sin is unavoidable in this sinful world, and that surely does suck to realize . But thanks be to God we have an Advocate with the Father .

The key to not giving our kids the idea that they are doomed to be alienated from an impossibly holy God is to continually speak God's grace and forgiveness to them - that's the only true path to God, and that's the life-giving message we all need to hear over and over .
__________________
~ forty-two ~
Possessor of The Answer to Everything and Solver of (Somebody Else's) Problems

INTJ: introverted iNtuition with extraverted Thinking
DYT 4/2: connecting intellectually and emotionally
Enneagram 5w4: a need to perceive and to feel special


Wife to my pastor dh (INTP) since 2003

Mother to:
dd13, 'R'
dd10.5, 'A'
ds8, 'J'
and two in heaven: miscarried 10/29/04 and 01/01/05

Blog: Lutherama

What we want is just one thing, not the thing.

Last edited by forty-two; 08-20-2015 at 01:37 PM.
forty-two is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-20-2015, 01:36 PM   #10
Johns_Gal
Rose Garden
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 8,764
Johns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond reputeJohns_Gal has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Ehh. I just tell my almost seven year that he can't speak to me that way, and if he wastes time fighting me and being rude, there simply usnt time for screens, which is what he's usually allowed after schoolwork is done.

They're seven. I don't read anything into it beyond " I'd rather play Lego and you're making me DO STUFF!!1!"
Johns_Gal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Johns_Gal For This Useful Post:
CelticJourney (08-20-2015), HuggaBuggaMommy (08-20-2015), MercyInDisguise (08-20-2015), rjy9343 (08-21-2015), Soliloquy (08-20-2015), sweetpeasmommy (08-20-2015), Tasmanian Saint (08-20-2015), TraceMama (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 01:37 PM   #11
Beth1231
Deactivated
 
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 14,962
Beth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond reputeBeth1231 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Ways I address character traits:
I talk about them directly. "I saw you give your brother your chair,that was kind."
Read books that contain opportunities to address them directly. I find this method helpful to talk about things like jealousy,impatience,consequences both good and bad.
I talk to myself as I'm working for the benefit of my children. "I do not want to do dishes,but I'm going to put on some music and get it done."
I also empathize with them and lay out acceptable and unacceptable responses. I tell A I understand her frustration about doing schoolwork (we also homeschool),I give her ways to express that,scripting if necessary. Sometimes she just chooses to silently push through and feel all her big emotions inside. Then when the work is done,I comment "I know you didn't want to finish that worksheet,but you used determination and saw it through."
I do a lot of this sort of thing andI start young,maybe two or so.
I haven't addressed the heart very much except to point out a few times that the Disney creators are not getting their ideas from Scripture and that the Bible says to guard your heart and lead it,not follow it.
I have talked to my kids a lot about the mind,will and emotions though.
Beth1231 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Beth1231 For This Useful Post:
bananacake (08-20-2015), TraceMama (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 04:20 PM   #12
Soliloquy
Rose Garden
 
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
Soliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond reputeSoliloquy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

I think the difference in our perspectives, 42, is that I don't see a 7 year-old whining as a sin issue any more than I see a toddler having a meltdown as a sin issue. They're issues of immaturity. They are coping mechanisms that become inappropriate with age but I feel very strongly against calling it sin.
Soliloquy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Soliloquy For This Useful Post:
CelticJourney (08-20-2015), Johns_Gal (08-20-2015), SewingGreenMama (08-21-2015), sweetpeasmommy (08-20-2015), TraceMama (08-20-2015), Virginia (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 05:06 PM   #13
CelticJourney
Administrator
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 34,551
CelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond reputeCelticJourney has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Quote:
I used to think the same - that it was better to leave God of out it than to risk teaching the wrong thing. I no longer think that - I now believe that it is equally bad to teach nothing as to teach the wrong thing about God. (And really, teaching nothing is just one particular way of teaching the wrong thing.) What needs to be done is to teach the *right* thing - teaching nothing isn't the lesser-but-not-wholly-wrong option it can seem like it is .
But 'teach them nothing' is not what I said. I'm addressing the specific issue of homeschooling. But I am saying if acts of childishness and immaturity are routinely met with 'violation of a Commandment' then kids will get the idea pretty quickly that who they are in their childishness/childhood is by nature displeasing to God.
__________________
Elizabeth

"Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep

Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19
CelticJourney is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to CelticJourney For This Useful Post:
Virginia (08-20-2015)
Old 08-20-2015, 11:58 PM   #14
sweetpeasmommy
Rose Garden
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 30,329
sweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond reputesweetpeasmommy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

Character and heart issues are a lifelong learning experience IMO. Thank goodness character at 7 or 17 or 37 isn't the end of the story. These are the work of the Holy Spirit and I can do my best to model and teach, but in the end I'm still a work in progress too. I'm not a fan of spiritualizing a kid acting like a kid. We do what is right sometimes out of guilt or rules, but real obedience is born of love. When we love, we want to do what is right. IOW we don't become more loving by less complaining. Rather we complain less because when we love more. I was a very compliant child, but true obedience never happened until I was an adult.
__________________
Amy eNFp


Wife to ISTJ DH 1997
Mom to one Sweet Boy 10/2004

sweetpeasmommy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sweetpeasmommy For This Useful Post:
CelticJourney (08-21-2015), rjy9343 (08-21-2015), TraceMama (08-21-2015)
Old 08-21-2015, 09:38 AM   #15
Peaceful Meadows
Rose Garden
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,901
Peaceful Meadows has disabled reputation
Default Re: So, HOW do you address character and heart issues?

I meltdown sometimes we just "adultize" by calling it impatience, having a bad day, loosing my cool so I remind myself of that when my kids are being rude. I take a deep breath and ask how I'd want to be treated if the tables were turned and they were the parent and I the child.

Some of my responses:

"I hear you're upset, try again using more respectful words."

Or

"We both are upset let's come back to this when we both are calmer."

Or

"That's not acceptable. It's time for a redo."

I've also said, "You may not speak to me/him/her that way. Go cool down and come back when you are ready to speak your opinion in a respectful manner."

Only the Holy Spirit can change the heart. I encourage them to spend time in the Word and we often begin the day with a scripture reading but I can not change their heart. That's personal and between them and God. I also can't force them to spend time with God. I can suggest it and explain why it's beneficial but they have to desire it on their own in order for them to develop a relationship with Him.

My desire is for them to have a relationship. I want them to shun religion and legalism.
__________________
Sue
~Mom to four awesome boys ages 24, 22, 18, and 17 (and a wonderful daughter-in-love as of June 2022! )

Feel free to visit my little nook

Last edited by Peaceful Meadows; 08-21-2015 at 09:42 AM.
Peaceful Meadows is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Peaceful Meadows For This Useful Post:
Beth1231 (08-21-2015), CelticJourney (08-21-2015), rjy9343 (08-21-2015), Soliloquy (08-21-2015), TraceMama (08-21-2015)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:34 AM.


A variety of opinions and ideas are shared on GCM. Personal experiences, suggestions, and tips found here are in no way intended to substitute for medical counsel from a healthcare professional. Always use your own good judgement and seek professional advice when in doubt about a health concern.

Amazon.com affiliate link

Copyright 1997-2017 by Gentle Christian Mothers™
An alternative-minded, evangelical Christian community supporting attachment parenting and natural living.

Do not post content elsewhere.
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/

Some smilies created and copyrighted by Mazeguy.
Some smilies and avatars created and copyrighted by flowermama and children -- do not use elsewhere.

Soli Deo Gloria
To God only wise, be glory through Jesus Christ for ever. Amen. ~ Romans 16:27 (KJV)

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

X vBulletin 3.8.3 Debug Information
  • Page Generation 0.18223 seconds
  • Memory Usage 8,296KB
  • Queries Executed 14 (?)
More Information
Template Usage:
  • (1)SHOWTHREAD
  • (1)ad_footer_end
  • (1)ad_footer_start
  • (1)ad_header_end
  • (1)ad_header_logo
  • (1)ad_navbar_below
  • (1)ad_showthread_beforeqr
  • (1)ad_showthread_firstpost
  • (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_sig
  • (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_start
  • (10)bbcode_quote
  • (1)cyb_flashimagebanners
  • (1)footer
  • (1)forumjump
  • (1)forumrules
  • (1)gobutton
  • (1)header
  • (1)headinclude
  • (1)navbar
  • (3)navbar_link
  • (60)option
  • (1)pagenav
  • (1)pagenav_curpage
  • (1)pagenav_pagelink
  • (15)post_groan_box
  • (1)post_groan_javascript
  • (1)post_groan_navbar_search
  • (15)post_thanks_box
  • (56)post_thanks_box_bit
  • (1)post_thanks_javascript
  • (1)post_thanks_navbar_search
  • (12)post_thanks_postbit_legacy
  • (15)postbit_legacy
  • (15)postbit_onlinestatus
  • (141)postbit_reputation
  • (15)postbit_wrapper
  • (4)showthread_bookmarksite
  • (1)smqre_editor_button
  • (1)spacer_close
  • (1)spacer_open
  • (1)tagbit_wrapper 

Phrase Groups Available:
  • global
  • inlinemod
  • postbit
  • posting
  • reputationlevel
  • showthread
Included Files:
  • ./showthread.php
  • ./global.php
  • ./includes/init.php
  • ./includes/class_core.php
  • ./includes/config.php
  • ./includes/functions.php
  • ./includes/class_hook.php
  • ./includes/functions_notice.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php
  • ./mobiquo/include/classTTConnection.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner/head.inc.php
  • ./includes/functions_bigthree.php
  • ./includes/class_postbit.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode.php
  • ./includes/functions_reputation.php
  • ./includes/adminfunctions_template.php
  • ./includes/functions_misc.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_groan.php 

Hooks Called:
  • init_startup
  • cache_permissions
  • fetch_threadinfo_query
  • fetch_threadinfo
  • fetch_foruminfo
  • style_fetch
  • cache_templates
  • global_start
  • parse_templates
  • fetch_musername
  • notices_check_start
  • global_setup_complete
  • showthread_start
  • template_groups
  • template_safe_functions
  • template_compile
  • showthread_getinfo
  • forumjump
  • showthread_post_start
  • showthread_query_postids
  • showthread_query
  • bbcode_fetch_tags
  • bbcode_create
  • showthread_postbit_create
  • postbit_factory
  • postbit_display_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_start
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_end
  • reputation_image
  • bbcode_parse_start
  • postbit_imicons
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • error_fetch
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_start
  • post_thanks_function_show_thanks_date_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_end
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_end
  • pagenav_page
  • pagenav_complete
  • tag_fetchbit_complete
  • forumrules
  • showthread_bookmarkbit
  • navbits
  • navbits_complete
  • showthread_complete