Is This Rude?

[RealLifeMama]

My DD was invited over to a friend's house to play games and have dinner. There were three other girls invited and the invitation was given about 2 weeks ago. I told the mom DD could go. (Even though the girls are teens, the mom always does all the inviting through the other moms via email.)

Yesterday, DD got asked to babysit that same night. She needs to raise thousands of dollars for her summer trip, and needs the job. She missed two jobs last week because she was sick, and one before that because we were out of town, and so she really should try to say yes to this one.

But, she has the prior commitment of going to her friend's house. She wants to babysit, but feels bad. I feel badly, too.

Is it rude to turn down a social invitation for what is, essentially, work, if the invitation was already accepted?

I sort of think it is, but it is necessary in this case.
I am not sure how to go about telling the mom. In other cases, I'd just make a reciprocal invitation, but I can't do that in this case.

[Maedchen]

If she were working a 'job' and the manager changed the work schedule, you would have no control and she would have to cancel the dinner party.

I would be upset if it were a thing that happened all the time.

[gerberadaisy]

I'm a stickler for keeping agreements. I would say she already accepted an invitation. IF she were working at a restaurant or a store & they told her she needed to work or lose her job, that would be different. This is not the case. It is a job but she clearly makes her own schedule.

[Laurlor]

Originally Posted by gerberadaisy

I'm a stickler for keeping agreements. I would say she already accepted an invitation. IF she were working at a restaurant or a store & they told her she needed to work or lose her job, that would be different. This is not the case. It is a job but she clearly makes her own schedule.

This is how I feel too. It's a tough place to be in though .

[2sunshines]

depends. Could she talk to her friend directly and see how she feels about it?

[MaySunflowers]

To me it would depend on how much notice can be given for a change of commitment and how understanding or hurt the other person may be. Some people will understand, some will stew hurt.

[mamacat]

If it were a birthday type invitation or some other sort of party where special food might be ordered and that sort of thing I would not change it.If it is a casual get together that doesnt involve a particular head count I would allow her to do that.My YA kids have casual games/supper type things frequently amongst their "tribe" of friends and they are never quite sure who is going to come because sometimes they have other things come up

[hollybells]

I think at 15, the social arrangements should generally be between the kids. DD is 14, babysits and referees soccer games in the summer. There are a lot of last minute requests to ref other games and if you turn them down it can effect future offers. She's occasionally asked to babysit or ref after she's made plans with friends and is pretty good at navigating cancellations or changes in plans with friends or turning down paid jobs. She and her friends text or call each other and handle a lot of the details. If it's a bigger deal (her one best friend moved to England and is coming back to Canada for 3 weeks this summer and we're sorting out details about her stay with us during that time) then parents are involved but still often through the girls. DD always checks things with us before confirming things with her friends but it's an area we let her manage.

All that to say that imho, having the mums do all of the arranging might make it seem like it's a bigger deal to change plans than if the girls took care of more of it. I would talk dd through as needed but once it's among them, it's an easier conversation - she could remind them of her goal for the summer and say that as much as she'd rather be with them, she needs to take the job. Not sure if it makes sense but to me, coming from the mum it could seem like excuse-making (I know it's not ) but amongst friends, it's just life, you know?

I would also give guidance about things that I'd be less likely to cancel (the other family has made arrangements at a venue or event / paid for tickets / booked things that would leave them with an expense or not able to do the activity without her) and how to try to do both (offer to join them once babysitting is done if it's not too late or overnight) and offer help with transportation to make that happen.

It's hard though. I do think that if possible, I'd encourage communication to shift more to the girls, with your guidance and input.

[gerberadaisy]

Originally Posted by Laurlor

This is how I feel too. It's a tough place to be in though .

I'm the kid who was always canceled on so I have some fairly big feelings about this.

I agree, it is a tough place to be in.

[bananacake]

Since it's a group of people, I don't think it's as big of a deal to cancel.


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[The Tickle Momster]

I think at her age, it's reasonable for her to talk to her friends and let them know that this opportunity came up and she needs to take it. Maybe have a different time to suggest (one unlikely to be needed for babysitting) or an alternate plan of some sort. My dd is about the same age, and while she would be disappointed to not see her friend, she would understand about the awesome summer opportunity and need to work to make it happen.

I'm usually really big on following through. I also think it is important to talk to our friends and let them know what's going on if something comes up that causes a time conflict. Most friends will understand and be willing to work around it.

As for moms texting to set up gatherings, I think it depends on the family. My dd does not have her own phone, nor does she drive. I regularly receive texts asking if a date works. Sometimes the girls will email each other then ask about rides.

[Virginia]

I am a massive proponent of honoring prior arrangements. When people ditch me for something better, it hurts my feelings because I am super busy and made time for them, and it makes me feel like I am not important to them. I also do not view being asked to babysit at the last minute the same way I view a job with a set schedule.

That being said, I think it should be her choice and also her job to communicate directly with her friends

It is definitely a tough spot for her to be in, which is why I do think it's crucial she learns how to navigate it. It's going to keep happening, lol.


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[Maedchen]

Originally Posted by Virginia

I am a massive proponent of honoring prior arrangements. When people ditch me for something better, it hurts my feelings because I am super busy and made time for them, and it makes me feel like I am not important to them. I also do not view being asked to babysit at the last minute the same way I view a job with a set schedule.

That being said, I think it should be her choice and also her job to communicate directly with her friends

It is definitely a tough spot for her to be in, which is why I do think it's crucial she learns how to navigate it. It's going to keep happening, lol.


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I agree about prior commitments. I usually get bailed on, but if it is watching a baby I think of it as a job, not the same as if the person decides to go shopping or have coffee with another friend.

[Virginia]

Originally Posted by Maedchen

I agree about prior commitments. I usually get bailed on, but if it is watching a baby I think of it as a job, not the same as if the person decides to go shopping or have coffee with another friend.

I agree babysitting isn't the same as getting bailed on for another social event. I was merely pointing out that I don't equate it to a "real" job with a boss, schedule, etc.

I also think I've noticed, personally, it's easier for people to back out of commitments because we all have cell phones. It used to be that you couldn't back out at the last second because you had no way of letting that person know It is so easy to send a text now cancelling plans, and that's happened to me a bunch.


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[tempus vernum]

Originally Posted by Virginia

I agree babysitting isn't the same as getting bailed on for another social event. I was merely pointing out that I don't equate it to a "real" job with a boss, schedule, etc.

I also think I've noticed, personally, it's easier for people to back out of commitments because we all have cell phones. It used to be that you couldn't back out at the last second because you had no way of letting that person know It is so easy to send a text now cancelling plans, and that's happened to me a bunch.


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This is interesting I have to process this. For my kids, their babysitting is their only income potential and for my eldest, she has had, car insurance and clothes to pay for. So she just doesn't turn down jobs, knowing that she may not have enough when the time comes. As her parents we've been reasonable when she's not had enough jobs; however, she's coming up on her senior year and she's scrounging as much as she can for college.

otoh, I see what u mean abt cell phones. I also see cells make a false sense of closeness in this generation. A false sense of relationship. I see so many relationships spiral from strangers to close in weeks because of 24/7 access. So I've not minded the high cancelation rate I've not really gotten cancelled on more and I chalk it up to two things: being a hermit and being older than the generation that grew up w the cells.

I always appreciate how I see two sides to every coin during these discussions