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Old 10-08-2020, 05:23 PM   #1
Leslie_JJKs_mom
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Default Strong willed child

Last time I was on here, I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. My pregnancy was rough. Lol, it was foreshadowing things to come.
Kaitlyn can be so strong willed. She gets mad and screams in fury, but she's not an angry child. She is very strong willed though.
Jessica was so easy. I used to think people who had issues with their children just did it wrong. I would think all you have to do is explain to them why they have to do this then they will say okay Mommy and do it.
Me now...🤣🤣🤣🤣
Kaitlyn will look me in the eye and say no I'm not doing it and you can't make me. She has been this way from the beginning.
I have to say there have been some mommy moments I am not proud of. , especially when none of the tools I learned here worked. I've lost my cool. Yelled, been punative and not gentle. I've done time outs, taken away her toys, tablet, TV...
I've listened to others who insisted if I don't get her under control now, she will be a little hellion.
She's not at all. She's gotten to a place that most of the time, she's very well behaved and when she's upset, I can talk her down.
I hate that I've listened to others though. I hate that at times I feel like if I take my 7 year old in my arms to calm her down, it's giving into her and I let her sit in her room and cry.
It's time for a restart.
So, with a strong willed child who will not always just say okay, how do you pull them out of that place?
She'll get mad about something she can't have or do and she gets rude and mean. Like one time she was mad and slammed grandma's trinket or her door.
Grandma will ask her a question and Kaitlyn will be mean in return. Most times Kaitlyn is a sweetheart, so it's not an everyday thing. Sometimes saying that wasn't very nice will stop it, other times, it just escalates her anger and she gets worse.
Once I get mad and yell... oh my. It gets really bad. She starts yelling you dont love me, you're so mean, you never let me...
And then when it finally stops, she comes to me this shattered little girl and asks if I still love her. I have never come close to saying I don't love her or even acting like it. No one in our family ever has, so I can only guess she is also highly sensitive.
This tips my heart apart. Of course I do. Just because I'm mad and yelled or sent her to her room doesnt mean I dont love her.
I'm looking for tools for her to channel her feelings without being mean to her sister, grandma, dad in a way that doesn't leave her feeling insecure and unsure if our love is really unconditional.
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Old 10-08-2020, 05:43 PM   #2
Soliloquy
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Good to see you again! I will be back later when I have time for a full reply. I totally get it!
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Old 10-08-2020, 06:20 PM   #3
Leslie_JJKs_mom
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Default Re: Strong willed child

I saw a video on social media of a preschooler screaming in a shopping cart and the poster said spoiled.

I had to reply that I have been that mom. People glaring at me as my child screamed, and I mean screamed. It was because she wanted something and I said no.
Although, sometimes it was because she was hungry. Hangry is real!!!!
People would glare and I'd glare back. I drove an hour to go grocery shopping and I'm not going home without groceries because a child's meltdown offends you.
It was a bit easier when my husband was with me and you could take her out of the store. He wasn't always there though.
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Leslie (ISFP)


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Old 10-11-2020, 07:32 AM   #4
MariJo7
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Ross Campbell has written a pile of books on children and anger management. Any book of his is a good read. He also adresses the anger issues of parents. How to really love your child, How to really love your teenager, how to really love your angry child, and other titles by him, they have all been very helpful to me.
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Old 10-11-2020, 07:40 AM   #5
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Welcome back.
She is 7?
Are these specific things you are looking for different ideas for?
Spirited children can be like a puzzle. Different things work for different children and what works one time might not work the next.

My oldest was/is spirited. Loading up our positive parenting toolbox was essential once she was around 8 years old. We stopped looking at her as strong willed and rephrased many of those difficult characteristics of her personality into strengths that would serve her as an adult. She is an adult now.
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Old 10-11-2020, 10:30 AM   #6
Soliloquy
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Quote:
He also adresses the anger issues of parents.
This should be the first goal of any family, IMO. Any of the books by Faber and Mazlish are good, as is Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication by Haim Ginott. These books are almost certainly at your public library as they are classics.

This book is also FANTASTIC and, IMO, should be in every family library. I cannot think of a single person who would not benefit from this book. I bought it to work though with my most troubled teen but I am going to have the entire family go through it. This is exactly the kind of emotional regulation learning that I wish I had learned when I was younger. To be fair, DBT didn't get published until 1991 so my parents and teachers didn't have access to it But, when this becomes more mainstream, I believe our society will improve drastically.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

I just got this book but I haven't started it yet. From flipping through it looks like it is geared toward younger kids, which may mean it could be perfect for you. It looks excellent, though. Very practical, which is so needed. All the theory in the world isn't helpful for a parent in the trenches. Give me the theory and then give me concrete examples of WHAT TO DO. Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges

---------- Post added at 09:29 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:25 AM ----------

If you'll consider supplements, I highly recommend Julia Ross. For a younger child, it's basically a complete amino acid supplement that is recommended. Her books need better editing but the results we've seen with amino acid supplementation have been AMAZING. Both for me and my kids. I used The Craving Cure for myself and also to help my kids. She also has The Mood Cure. But even though the Craving Cure is geared toward people who want to get a handle of their crazy food cravings, our crazy food cravings say a whole lot about what is out of balance in our brains. By addressing my endorphin highs and lows, it helped my mood and self-control immensely. These books may be at your library, also.

---------- Post added at 09:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:29 AM ----------

Also, a full blood panel, plus checking for Vit D and thyroid, can sometimes reveal things that need to be addressed.
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Old 10-11-2020, 10:03 PM   #7
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Sorry if I missed it, but I didn't see this helpful book mentioned:
https://cynthiatobias.com/you-cant-make-me/
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Old 10-12-2020, 09:57 AM   #8
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Yes, she's 7 now.
I was sitting at church when she was 4 maybe 3.still. I had left to churches because they just couldn't stand the fact that a 3 year old will not sit still and be quiet for church and I walked out. One church, the childrens pastor took Jessica, who was 11 at the time, aside and told her Kaitlyn needs to be taken to the bathroom for spankings.
It was a Baptist church, so I knew they probably felt that way, but to pull Jessica aside as if maybe her big sister will do it.
I got to the point where I felt churches and religion have nothing to offer me. It was all well and good when I had the good kids and everybody else's kids were crazy and I was expected to just put up with their crazy kid being mean to mine. But now... I said done. I'm so sick of church and their judgemental people because my 3 year old is loud and energetic.
I happened upon this church that didn't care that she was Wiggly and would not whisper really quiet, and I would have to walk her out when she wasn't getting her way because there would be a meltdown. It's a cool story that's a whole other topic.
One cup of the couples has a degrees in child development and they were just fascinated with her and watching her play. After church we'd all sit outside and the kids would play and we would talk and eat.
Anyways, the guy, Randy, said wow she is so intelligent but she is also extremely strong-willed. When she's trying to do something and it doesn't work out, she keeps trying . She uses a different tactic each time until she gets what she wants. A lot of preschoolers would get mad and have a fit after it didn't work out a couple of times. Not Kaitlyn though.
She has the intelligence to know at 3 to keep trying and the tenacity to not quit.
He laughed and said you'll have fun with her. She's full of fire and she'll change the world.some.day. God help anyone who tries to stand in her way. You just have to survive her childhood.
Hahaha. That has been so true.
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Old 10-14-2020, 02:43 PM   #9
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leslie_JJKs_mom View Post
Yes, she's 7 now.
I was sitting at church when she was 4 maybe 3.still. I had left to churches because they just couldn't stand the fact that a 3 year old will not sit still and be quiet for church and I walked out. One church, the childrens pastor took Jessica, who was 11 at the time, aside and told her Kaitlyn needs to be taken to the bathroom for spankings.
It was a Baptist church, so I knew they probably felt that way, but to pull Jessica aside as if maybe her big sister will do it.

How awful! I'd never set my foot to that church again!
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Old 10-14-2020, 09:03 PM   #10
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Default Re: Strong willed child

I haven't. I would love for my kids to go to church, but none are kid friendly. My children are not puppets that only move and speak when I allow it.
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Old 10-14-2020, 09:14 PM   #11
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Default Re: Strong willed child

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leslie_JJKs_mom View Post
I haven't. I would love for my kids to go to church, but none are kid friendly. My children are not puppets that only move and speak when I allow it.
(hug) there are good churches out there. I have found several that have loved on my wiggly not 'normal' kids. Last year when we got asked to do the family advent reading the invitation explicitly be said that it would be fine for early bird to wear her cape ( that has become kind of a wearable security blanket sience our move out here). My mil won't come to church with us because I do things like let her wear the cape to church.

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Old 10-15-2020, 04:43 AM   #12
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Default Re: Strong willed child

I have threads like this asking about my son. Part of it was he was really looking for the boundary, he wanted to be challenged, he wanted to find the place where we would be done with him or something I don't know. But we worked together on strategies, like if we were out and he refused to cooperate I would set a timer. However long he took from the family by throwing a fit and refusing to buckle up or something he would pay us back. We found ways for him to express his feelings without hurting anyone or anything, and directed him to those when he was close to a meltdown. We had him.clean up anything he ruined in his fits. And we did LOTS of talking. We learned that as soon as we turn it into a battle of wills, we lose. We had to be ok with him "winning". Even sometimes saying that, like hey congratulations, you discovered I cannot stop you. Is this outcome worth it. He is so much better at handling his feelings now at 8. I wish I could say there's an easy way to fix this but in our case there wasn't. Lots of work that looked and sometimes felt like giving in. I had to make myself stop and evaluate why I was doing what I was doing and what I wanted to say to him about him in that moment. Someone on here once talked about it like a dance. Find your part in the dance and just stop. For a while, they'll keep dancing, but if you can keep yourself from joining in, they'll stop dancing too.
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