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Old 07-17-2017, 12:06 PM   #16
Beth1231
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

I think I started explaining introvert/extrovert and the concept of needing to recharge when A was around age seven and she really seemed to grasp it around age nine. Now,I can just tell her that I'm feeling drained or "I need quiet so I can be inside my own head." And she stops talking for awhile.

Reading is a great way for me to connect with my kids,be around them and they can hear my voice. What Katigre's said
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Old 07-17-2017, 01:18 PM   #17
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

Quote:
I (unhealthily) deal with stress by closing in on myself and pushing others away, and the last 6 months have been very stressful with our move and DH traveling a lot.
I guess I need to be very honest here. I grew up in a military family. Moved at 1yo, 3yo, twice in Germany before coming back to the states to start my third kindergarden in Georgia. You are making the decision to take these kids away from everything they know ON TOP OF everything they have already been through. Yes, there are boundaries to things like this and you can gently teach them about healthy relationships. BUT when you move you will be everything they have to hold onto to feel safe and secure and you need to prepare yourself NOW to not only be present for them AND not have that extrovert outlet of other adults. It's not an easy thing as either the mom or the child.
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:50 PM   #18
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

I can't remember how old your DD was when she was removed from long-term foster home? Anxiety possible.

The Turnaround Anti-anxiety program is fantastic. I can't recommend enough.

If questions are anxiety-related, that program will help.
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:53 PM   #19
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

As a 1/2 myself I can relate. sometimes I feel like the need to be with people and the need to have space to be in my own thoughts and headspace are in conflict with each other. And I don't know if you are a highly sensitive person like I am (HSP) but I find that certain things like kids fighting and nagging questions really push a physical reaction/sensitivity within me and I just get overloaded. It's a physical and emotional limit thing.

I love all the suggestions everyone gave. I love that you are looking for solutions and realize the place that you are in, I really admire that!

One more thought I had, since I am a preschool teacher, is can you do a visual chart? Like pictures of everything that your family does during the day, and maybe start the morning out as a family putting your day in order so that your kids can refer back to it during the day if they're needing that extra reassurance of what the day holds.

I remember as a kid being so love starved, but yet not feeling safe enough to share my true feelings and thoughts about things (my opinion was not ok) that I would literally sit and read the back of a cereal box to my mom, just to be heard. I'm sure I drove her nuts lol.

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Old 07-17-2017, 07:22 PM   #20
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

Thank you for every comment, even though I'm not responding to all of them. Really, they are each so helpful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticJourney View Post
I guess I need to be very honest here. I grew up in a military family. Moved at 1yo, 3yo, twice in Germany before coming back to the states to start my third kindergarden in Georgia. You are making the decision to take these kids away from everything they know ON TOP OF everything they have already been through. Yes, there are boundaries to things like this and you can gently teach them about healthy relationships. BUT when you move you will be everything they have to hold onto to feel safe and secure and you need to prepare yourself NOW to not only be present for them AND not have that extrovert outlet of other adults. It's not an easy thing as either the mom or the child.
This in particular was hard to read but I so needed to hear it. Thank you for not being afraid to speak truth kindly.

H and I have talked a lot today about conversation skills and ways to ask open-ended questions that provoke conversation rather than just simple answer questions that don't lead anywhere. She's loving talking about it with me, and is very excited to learn these skills. She's started reading Speak Up and Get Along, and was telling me things she's learning from it. I've also framed the conversations as trying to help them be ready to start at a "real" school in a few weeks and they are very excited about school so they were very excited to find a few books that would help them make friends.

We are really making efforts to connect with each of the kids in ways that we'd been neglecting lately. It's been refreshing to wake up to all of this and start making efforts to improve.
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Old 07-18-2017, 02:57 AM   #21
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

If you are wanting to work on conversation skillls could you set up a time in your day? Like a tea time? During that time focus on manners and conversation? Shooting from the hip here. I know we had to teach my oldest conversation skills and to stop with all the questions

I do want to say that some of the questions your children are asking are security questions. That's what we called them. Questions that were a clue to the emotional state of ou children. We would get questions like repeated "what's next?""what are we doing tonight?" "What time did you go to bed?" "When did dad leave?" "When will he be home?" And all other variations of that kind told us our children were feeling insecure whether we had a big transition, we fell out of their expected routine, or that kind of thing. It is still a sign now that they are older that they are trying to manage unsettled feelings.
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Old 07-18-2017, 06:32 AM   #22
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WanderingJuniper View Post

I do want to say that some of the questions your children are asking are security questions. That's what we called them. Questions that were a clue to the emotional state of ou children. We would get questions like repeated "what's next?""what are we doing tonight?" "What time did you go to bed?" "When did dad leave?" "When will he be home?" And all other variations of that kind told us our children were feeling insecure whether we had a big transition, we fell out of their expected routine, or that kind of thing. It is still a sign now that they are older that they are trying to manage unsettled feelings.
When you describe this I suddenly realize my oldest is asking these. And I was going to say "he doesn't have a history of trauma and hasn't moved/isn't preparing for a new school or life overseas like the Hutch kids"...then I went, oh, but he does have a new baby sister who has turned life upside down

Maybe I need to spin, but I would love to hear tips on how to deal with his feeling insecure or how to help him manage unsettled feelings. The questions haven't gotten to the point where they bug me--or maybe they do but with mom brain I haven't put that together.
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Old 07-18-2017, 07:57 AM   #23
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

I don't have anything valuable to add, but I wanted to say I am finding this thread very helpful. Thank you for starting it!
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Old 07-18-2017, 08:13 AM   #24
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

Hi Mrs hutch, I admire your honesty and courage to express your struggle and it's inspiring to hear you look for ways to develop your child's conversation skills.

Communication is something I'm focusing on for my 2.9 year old. I was raised in a codependent home with very poor communication and I need to learn healthy ways of communicating with my son. I'd be interested to know of any resources you find.

I too struggle with the constant need my boy has of me, a friend said to me its like they drain all the life out of you so they can live and that feels like how it is at this age. But from what you share this need of you is constant.

I try to use chunking, which is spending 10 minutes focused time with him and then have 5 minutes or so doing what I like.

I guess we need to plug ourselves into the Holy Spirit every morning before the day begins to get the strength we need and the Father's love to keep us feeling good enough.

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Old 07-18-2017, 10:28 AM   #25
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

We focus on conversation skills at dinner.

Ears before mouth. (Make sure no one else is talking before you speak.)

Look at the person who is talking. Think about what they're saying.

Etc
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Old 07-18-2017, 01:46 PM   #26
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

I'm bullet pointing as I'm "on the run"

* I second the security questions. If at all possible, post a schedule of both meals and activities

* Questions are a way to connect. Children the age of yours are just learning the art of give and take in converstation. They connect by asking you questions.

* Being taken away from bio parents at 6 months is still a severe disruption of an important bond. Even taken at birth can cause attachment disorders (not saying s/he has an attachment disorder, just stating what is known)

*your children have an extra need to have a present parent. Boundaries and setting expectations can help: "I will talk to you now for ten minutes and answer all your questions. After that I need to do xyz and need to concentrate on that, so can't talk to you. You'll need to find something else to do then. When I'm finished, at xx time, we can talk and cuddle/read a book/watch a programme together/ etc"

*high anxiety triggers are moving house (just happened and in the future for you guys), moving jobs (just happened), loss (I guess they left friends behind?) etc. This has been HARD for all of you. You need to look after yourself so you can look after them. Make space for you, so you have space for them

*lastly: Huge hugs. We can do hard things <3 And you are doing them well. Still praying for you all
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:15 AM   #27
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsHutch View Post
Thank you for every comment, even though I'm not responding to all of them. Really, they are each so helpful.



This in particular was hard to read but I so needed to hear it. Thank you for not being afraid to speak truth kindly.

H and I have talked a lot today about conversation skills and ways to ask open-ended questions that provoke conversation rather than just simple answer questions that don't lead anywhere. She's loving talking about it with me, and is very excited to learn these skills. She's started reading Speak Up and Get Along, and was telling me things she's learning from it. I've also framed the conversations as trying to help them be ready to start at a "real" school in a few weeks and they are very excited about school so they were very excited to find a few books that would help them make friends.

We are really making efforts to connect with each of the kids in ways that we'd been neglecting lately. It's been refreshing to wake up to all of this and start making efforts to improve.
If you want I can share some of what we have experienced with this last move of ours. We are a military family that just left some amazing relationships behind and I became my families homebase, sense of security, and always there presence. I am a huge introvert so it's been far from easy but more than worth it. God had been so gracious and given me the ability to handle more than I ever dreamed possible.
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:25 AM   #28
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

I just wanted to share a resource- Karyn Purvis and TBRI. It is a connection based approach to dealing with trauma/adoption. Your move may bring to the surface trauma- and I know you want the best tools to help .
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:55 AM   #29
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

I think it is ok to to set up boundaries in a way that the older ones can understand.Like asking questions while you are trying to cook or do other things doesn't work and you need them to wait until you can focus and really think about their questions.You may need to actually set up times during the day and call it a circle time or something where you sit and focus and they can ask away or tell you things
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Old 07-19-2017, 11:10 AM   #30
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Default Re: Teach kids to stop asking questions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by momma2girls View Post
If you want I can share some of what we have experienced with this last move of ours. We are a military family that just left some amazing relationships behind and I became my families homebase, sense of security, and always there presence. I am a huge introvert so it's been far from easy but more than worth it. God had been so gracious and given me the ability to handle more than I ever dreamed possible.
Thank you, that would be really helpful!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MudPies View Post
I just wanted to share a resource- Karyn Purvis and TBRI. It is a connection based approach to dealing with trauma/adoption. Your move may bring to the surface trauma- and I know you want the best tools to help .
LOVE Karyn Purvis's work! I should probably refresh myself on some of it before our big move next summer.

This little move to a place we love and where we are surrounded by support and friends has been great practice for next summer when the move will be much bigger and harder.
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