dealing with outbursts and "disrespect"

[greenishmama]

I know disrespect is probably a strong word... but how do you deal with a child- 9 yrs old- who has become quite rude, argues, flat out says no and refuses to do things, "talks back", stamps his feet, outbursts, mutters under his breath (about parents), and things like I made a comment about something happening in a story we were reading and he says "uh- DUH!!" directed at me- not the character or story. My dh and I have had enough. Explaining to him and tell him he's being rude does not help. do overs not helping.
ideas?

[Beth1231]

Well....I have no nine yr olds...but when my 7.5 yr old behaves that way, I generally stop whatever I am doing,make eye contact and say something along the lines of "You may not speak to me that way. Is your body trying to tell you something? Do you need to eat or drink something?"
If she angrily declines,I walk through other options in a calm voice but I don't try to be...how do I put it...pat her on the head as if it's no big deal. I ask her if something is on her mind,if she wants to talk about something. Sometimes after a few minutes,she'll start telling me about how C did xyz or something similar. Sometimes it's something *I* did or said that stuck with her.
If none of those things are the source,I go about my day but quietly resolve to get her in the sunshine if possible. And often,I do something with her. Paint,play a short game,read a book. Something to connect.
Connection than correction,right? Generally,after those things if her tone and behavior is still disrespectful,it's more of a lazy,human thing than actual anger and when I make eye contact and remind her what is expected,she is mildly sheepish and will correct herself.

[tempus vernum]

I say "oh that sounds rude. Try again"

I keep doing it and will sit down a child and talk about using a polite ton/words in a calm time

[greenishmama]

What about calling me a liar?-and this just happened since I first posted.... I'm not sure if I should or could handle it as lightly as SonshineMama does...
He was making muffins "all on his own" on one counter while I made a diff. batch on the other counter with his little brother (for a function we are going to tomorrow). He wanted to prove that he could do it all on his own and that he could be cooperative and polite (usually baking with both boys together does NOT go well and he knows it...)
So 30 min. into it and he's still not done he says something about watching a video that he wanted to finish watching tonight that I had said earlier was a possibility (not a promise, not a sure thing- just that it was possible we might finish watching it tonight. that was before all the baking started- and had been discussed that it was even kind of late to start a baking project) So I said that it was getting to late to watch the video. He then instantly gets upset (crying/whining like) and says that I had said/promised that they could watch it. I inform him that it was only mentioned as a possibility and that was before the baking.
So then he angrily and yelling calls me a liar....

should I be more non-chalant and not be upset? It's not an isolated incident- it's most days... He can be so rude and nasty and we just don't get it.

[Beth1231]

I recall other mamas saying many times that 3,6 and 9 are decidely difficult ages with a lot of huge feelings and big drama going on.
I hope moms with older kids chime in.
My daughter also gets upset about tv that was "promised" in her opinion and it works best for her to acknowledge the frustration and quickly get her moving to the next thing. I personally would wait for a calmer time to bring up calling someone a liar and what can be said instead,etc.

[ArmsOfLove]

He's 9 and he is giving you some great opportunities to respond in the way that you want to model for him to deal with people acting like a 9yo. His behavior is pretty normal - though typically annoying.

I state what I expect, offer scripts, and remind them that I don't deserve to be treated that way. Thankfully at 10 they develop logic and it gets a lot easier time

[3PeasInAPod]

Originally Posted by greenishmama

I know disrespect is probably a strong word... but how do you deal with a child- 9 yrs old- who has become quite rude, argues, flat out says no and refuses to do things, "talks back", stamps his feet, outbursts, mutters under his breath (about parents), and things like I made a comment about something happening in a story we were reading and he says "uh- DUH!!" directed at me- not the character or story. My dh and I have had enough. Explaining to him and tell him he's being rude does not help. do overs not helping.
ideas?

the things you described- when put all together don't sound like typical 9 year old behavior. My nine year old will try to argue. .. but the stomping, yelling, etc happened at a younger age. ..I didn't tolerate it and taking away media all together helped. Please know I'm not saying you are tolerating it or that bc my nine year old isn't like yours that he's not normal. ... but I would be concerned if my kid was reacting like that. Is this a new thing or has it always been his way of handling his feelings?

[greenishmama]

Originally Posted by 3PeasInAPod

the things you described- when put all together don't sound like typical 9 year old behavior. My nine year old will try to argue. .. but the stomping, yelling, etc happened at a younger age. ..I didn't tolerate it and taking away media all together helped. Please know I'm not saying you are tolerating it or that bc my nine year old isn't like yours that he's not normal. ... but I would be concerned if my kid was reacting like that. Is this a new thing or has it always been his way of handling his feelings?

He did not act this way when he was 3 or younger ages. He actually was so "good" at 2 and 3 we hardly needed to think about discipline it seems. this "3 year-old behavior" he's having now is recent- lasts month or two. and I agree- we don't think it's normal either. It's awful and we don't know where it's coming from.

[tempus vernum]

I have a spirited 9yo who still yells stomps and mutters! And my other two did the same at 9. They are all fiesty like their mother I often suggest breathing before scripting.

lying as well is typical. I say "hmmmm... That's what you wish happened. Would you like to share what really happened?"

Because I've parented 2 others through age 9, I am able to stay calm better . but my 14.5 and 13 yo's are the ones getting upset when they babysit and these things happen I explain they did it and we have to get through it.

Something that helped me is understanding that typical doesn't mean appropriate. Typical isn't an excuse we should overlook behavior. It's still our job to correct them.

---------- Post added at 07:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:53 AM ----------

That said, if you are very concerned Id start w your ped and ask if you need a referral to a behavioral pediatrician for assessment.

[Amber]

One of my boys acted like that at 9...the other two not so much. It turns out my ds who had over the top reactions like that also has ADHD which got diagnosed a year or so later. Getting that treated helped a ton.

For disrespectful tone I would tell him to "Try again" and model the proper response. If he was unwilling to do that I would have him take a break in his room until he was ready to be respectful. Muttering under their breath, and eye rolling I mostly ignore...unless the muttering is threats of violence.

When he would yell out mean words about me, siblings, or our family I would have him write a list of things he liked/loved about them. He would have to write 5 things for each insult, then read that list to the person he had insulted to make amends. I felt that it was important for him to build up the person he had tried to tear down.

When the disrespect was all day long and stealing too much of my energy then he would have to pay me back for the stolen energy by doing one of my chores...cleaning my bathroom, scrubbing sinks, matching that huge basket of clean socks etc.

I will say, that none of this stopped the behavior. But it was teaching him to make amends when he wronged someone. The behavior didn't change until we got him properly medicated for the ADHD.

[greenishmama]

Originally Posted by Amber

One of my boys acted like that at 9...the other two not so much. It turns out my ds who had over the top reactions like that also has ADHD which got diagnosed a year or so later. Getting that treated helped a ton.

For disrespectful tone I would tell him to "Try again" and model the proper response. If he was unwilling to do that I would have him take a break in his room until he was ready to be respectful. Muttering under their breath, and eye rolling I mostly ignore...unless the muttering is threats of violence.

When he would yell out mean words about me, siblings, or our family I would have him write a list of things he liked/loved about them. He would have to write 5 things for each insult, then read that list to the person he had insulted to make amends. I felt that it was important for him to build up the person he had tried to tear down.

When the disrespect was all day long and stealing too much of my energy then he would have to pay me back for the stolen energy by doing one of my chores...cleaning my bathroom, scrubbing sinks, matching that huge basket of clean socks etc.

I will say, that none of this stopped the behavior. But it was teaching him to make amends when he wronged someone. The behavior didn't change until we got him properly medicated for the ADHD.

Sometimes I wonder about ADHD but he also seems to have anxiety... just haven't made the step of getting him diagnosed or help. It feels like a challenging step for me to make... not wanting him to get misdiagnosed or to make him feel bad about himself.

[sara1215]

I know he's a boy and they go through puberty later than girls, but at that age I started getting mouthy and moody and it was because my hormones were changing. Could that be a possibility here? Just a thought.