PD Tools Week 1

marigold · 01-04-2015, 09:13 PM

Connection Before Correction

http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2...orrection.html

I Have to say that the idea seems kinda counter-intuitive to me at first. The moments when I need to correct my children I tend to feel more frustrated and adversarial than connected. Week one and I'm already challenged.

I liked the little clip from the lecture at the bottom. Especially what stood out to me was "Are you looking for blame or a solution" I think a lot of the time when I'm upset with my kids I'm trying to blame them for whatever is going on and I want them to feel bad and do better

I never realized that before.

If you don't have the app like me you are on a pc you can print out the little reminder cards by clicking on the picture of it on the right. I'm planning to post them on my bathroom mirror so I can review every mirnibg whilst getting ready for the day.

Tasmanian Saint · 01-05-2015, 01:24 AM

There was an interesting interview on the radio this morning. I only heard bits while driving between clients, but here's what I got from it: this man is a child psychotherapist or something and an expert in real problem kids. The ones they were specifically talking about were the sociopaths-in-the-making. These kids show no guilt or remorse when they do wrong and don't show empathy... So I gather he did some research or observation or something (missed the bit in the middle) and found they didn't have the sort of close relationship with their parents that was needed for true discipline, teaching, to happen. "they don't hear the lesson without the relationship." What was interesting was that this was coming from someone who mostly did standard behaviorist style interventions. Time outs and praise. But he added in eye gazing: getting the parents to take short snippets of time throughout the day to stare into their child's eyes, and this was enough to create loving relationships

That's my long winded way of saying that I'm adding eye gazing to my mental list of connection activities

Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2

---------- Post added at 07:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:18 PM ----------

Oh, and marigold, I wasn't able to watch the clip from my tablet, but it sounds like it may have answered a question I've had for a long time. I came across the phrase "in our house we don't blame" in How To Talk So Kids Listen... And that week i read in Ephesians that God makes us blameless and i thought

, God doesn't blame in his house, either! And that has been one of my goals ever since - to learn not to blame - but I haven't been able to figure out what to replace it with...

what DO we do? ...

"in this house we don't blame, we seek a solution together" :thumb

Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2

rcsmom · 01-05-2015, 05:31 AM

I find that usually I need to take a time out before I can connect when something big happens. I have been sending DS1 to his bed- not as a punishment but more as a lets cool down and then we can talk type thing. I wonder though if I am missing my window of opportunity? I mean maybe I should be connecting before? I don't know. I have a hot temper and that is really hard for me to do.

bentlaj11 · 01-05-2015, 09:05 AM

I've struggled w/ blaming and wanting my kids to feel remorse (and they probably aren't even there developmentally

). It's so hard to break out of the "you need to pay for whatever you've done" mentality

I've been trying to work on "it doesn't matter who did what, let's see what we can do to fix it".

TS, that part about eye gazing is awesome. It's been awhile since I've read "How to Talk..". I took notes. I need to find them & re-read them!!

ReadingMommy · 01-05-2015, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rcsmom

I find that usually I need to take a time out before I can connect when something big happens. I have been sending DS1 to his bed- not as a punishment but more as a lets cool down and then we can talk type thing. I wonder though if I am missing my window of opportunity? I mean maybe I should be connecting before? I don't know. I have a hot temper and that is really hard for me to do.

I do this too (use room for cool-off before addressing the problem). I may try an experiment to see what happens if I get him (it's usually DS that I'm dealing with) to come sit with me instead. The problem is if he's hurt his sister than I have her to deal with in that moment too...

---------- Post added at 10:12 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:07 AM ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by bentlaj11

I've been trying to work on "it doesn't matter who did what, let's see what we can do to fix it".

I like this. Lately I've found myself listening to "sides" and trying to sort out issues between siblings that way. While it may be important to let them both share, I think a perspective change from "who did what" to "what can we all do to fix the problem" would be great.

I can tell I'm going to need to take notes. Why is this stuff SO easy to forget?

---------- Post added at 10:22 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:12 AM ----------

Is anybody else having trouble listening to the sample clip?

charla · 01-05-2015, 09:44 AM

I forget, too. I hate that. In the heat of the moment, all my tools seem to fly out the window. I hope by dwelling on and practicing a new one each week, I will be able to assimilate them better into my tool box.

Accidents make me upset - spilled anything, broken anything - and it is sooooo easy to blame and create disconnection, but I've found that if I take a deep breath, reach out and hug and say, "accidents happen to all of us, I can help you clean it up if you like", I feel like I've chosen connection instead of disconnection. After all, none of us are immune from accidents no matter our age.

The Tickle Momster · 01-05-2015, 09:45 AM

I'd like to follow along. Will look at the link later.

ReadingMommy · 01-05-2015, 10:18 AM

You guys, I read the most HORRIBLE article on the "biblical" way to do spanking on the FOTF website. Somebody had posted the link on FB. I knew it was bad, but seeing it all written out there with an accompanying picture of a mom about to spank her child...

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I am feeling SO thankful right now that we do have other tools to use and I'm excited to practice them all with you this year.

Hopetobe · 01-05-2015, 10:58 AM

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

arelyn · 01-05-2015, 11:02 AM

Off to write on a sticky note "We do not blame. We look for solutions together."

knitlove · 01-05-2015, 11:50 AM

I need to watch the video it sounds great. I need to do this.

I don't have useful things. But please keep talking. I need to steep in this.

MamaRachel · 01-05-2015, 12:15 PM

marigold · 01-07-2015, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rcsmom

I find that usually I need to take a time out before I can connect when something big happens. I have been sending DS1 to his bed- not as a punishment but more as a lets cool down and then we can talk type thing. I wonder though if I am missing my window of opportunity? I mean maybe I should be connecting before? I don't know. I have a hot temper and that is really hard for me to do.

I send my kids to their rooms as well. It is meant to be a break so I can control my temper but it ends up feeling punitive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by knitlove

I need to watch the video it sounds great. I need to do this.

I don't have useful things. But please keep talking. I need to steep in this.

It is just a little audio clip.

---------- Post added at 08:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:29 PM ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tasmanian Saint

There was an interesting interview on the radio this morning. I only heard bits while driving between clients, but here's what I got from it: this man is a child psychotherapist or something and an expert in real problem kids. The ones they were specifically talking about were the sociopaths-in-the-making. These kids show no guilt or remorse when they do wrong and don't show empathy... So I gather he did some research or observation or something (missed the bit in the middle) and found they didn't have the sort of close relationship with their parents that was needed for true discipline, teaching, to happen. "they don't hear the lesson without the relationship." What was interesting was that this was coming from someone who mostly did standard behaviorist style interventions. Time outs and praise. But he added in eye gazing: getting the parents to take short snippets of time throughout the day to stare into their child's eyes, and this was enough to create loving relationships

That's my long winded way of saying that I'm adding eye gazing to my mental list of connection activities

Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2

---------- Post added at 07:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:18 PM ----------

Oh, and marigold, I wasn't able to watch the clip from my tablet, but it sounds like it may have answered a question I've had for a long time. I came across the phrase "in our house we don't blame" in How To Talk So Kids Listen... And that week i read in Ephesians that God makes us blameless and i thought

, God doesn't blame in his house, either! And that has been one of my goals ever since - to learn not to blame - but I haven't been able to figure out what to replace it with...

what DO we do? ...

"in this house we don't blame, we seek a solution together" :thumb

Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2

in this house we do not blame, we seek a solution together

also like the looking in their eyes idea

silverlining · 01-08-2015, 05:51 AM

I find my own desire to blame is a signal that I need a time out before dealing with whatever the situation is. Interestingly, those times when I'm really upset, I have occasionally found myself calling DD by my younger sister's name--it's like I'm 10 years old again yelling that it's all her fault. Clearly, I'm not operating in my calm adult mind, nor am I feeling connected to the child in front of me.

Regarding the eye-gazing, I'm sure I heard or read somewhere that this helps to develop mirror neurons, which are important for empathy, but I can't find it now.

bentlaj11 · 01-08-2015, 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silverlining

I find my own desire to blame is a signal that I need a time out before dealing with whatever the situation is. Interestingly, those times when I'm really upset, I have occasionally found myself calling DD by my younger sister's name--it's like I'm 10 years old again yelling that it's all her fault. Clearly, I'm not operating in my calm adult mind, nor am I feeling connected to the child in front of me.

Regarding the eye-gazing, I'm sure I heard or read somewhere that this helps to develop mirror neurons, which are important for empathy, but I can't find it now.

I called dh by my brother's name in an argument once... that was a weird feeling.

01-04-2015, 09:13 PM	#1
marigold Rose Trellis Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: home on the hill Posts: 1,593	PD Tools Week 1 Connection Before Correction http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2...orrection.html I Have to say that the idea seems kinda counter-intuitive to me at first. The moments when I need to correct my children I tend to feel more frustrated and adversarial than connected. Week one and I'm already challenged. I liked the little clip from the lecture at the bottom. Especially what stood out to me was "Are you looking for blame or a solution" I think a lot of the time when I'm upset with my kids I'm trying to blame them for whatever is going on and I want them to feel bad and do better I never realized that before. If you don't have the app like me you are on a pc you can print out the little reminder cards by clicking on the picture of it on the right. I'm planning to post them on my bathroom mirror so I can review every mirnibg whilst getting ready for the day. __________________ Lesli (DYT 2) Wife to Dh since Sept. 2005 Mama to: dd1 - Sept. 2007 ds1 - June 2009 ds2 - April 2011 ds3 - October 2013 dd2 - November 2015 Image already added Last edited by marigold; 01-04-2015 at 09:45 PM.

01-05-2015, 01:24 AM	#2
Tasmanian Saint Rose Trellis Go Team Lioness! Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: This side of the black stump Posts: 2,428	Re: PD Tools Week 1 There was an interesting interview on the radio this morning. I only heard bits while driving between clients, but here's what I got from it: this man is a child psychotherapist or something and an expert in real problem kids. The ones they were specifically talking about were the sociopaths-in-the-making. These kids show no guilt or remorse when they do wrong and don't show empathy... So I gather he did some research or observation or something (missed the bit in the middle) and found they didn't have the sort of close relationship with their parents that was needed for true discipline, teaching, to happen. "they don't hear the lesson without the relationship." What was interesting was that this was coming from someone who mostly did standard behaviorist style interventions. Time outs and praise. But he added in eye gazing: getting the parents to take short snippets of time throughout the day to stare into their child's eyes, and this was enough to create loving relationships That's my long winded way of saying that I'm adding eye gazing to my mental list of connection activities Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2 ---------- Post added at 07:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:18 PM ---------- Oh, and marigold, I wasn't able to watch the clip from my tablet, but it sounds like it may have answered a question I've had for a long time. I came across the phrase "in our house we don't blame" in How To Talk So Kids Listen... And that week i read in Ephesians that God makes us blameless and i thought , God doesn't blame in his house, either! And that has been one of my goals ever since - to learn not to blame - but I haven't been able to figure out what to replace it with... what DO we do? ... "in this house we don't blame, we seek a solution together" :thumb Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2 __________________ Our blossoms: DS "Little Bear" Apr '07 - The negotiator DD "Miss Muffett" Nov '08 "Don't tell Daddy..." DS "Mouse" Jan '12 "I Soup Baby, Man of steel! " Myth Busting over at Dare to Disciple "Believe in yourself. Trust your instincts. Unless your instincts are terrible." Vitruvius, The LEGO Movie.

01-05-2015, 05:31 AM	#3
rcsmom Rose Bouquet Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being ~ Kittie Frantz Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Western NY Posts: 666	Re: PD Tools Week 1 I find that usually I need to take a time out before I can connect when something big happens. I have been sending DS1 to his bed- not as a punishment but more as a lets cool down and then we can talk type thing. I wonder though if I am missing my window of opportunity? I mean maybe I should be connecting before? I don't know. I have a hot temper and that is really hard for me to do. __________________ Jessica Momma to DS1-the Monkinroanie DS2-the Sweet Punkin DS3- the Peanut and the rainbow babies DS4 and DD

01-05-2015, 09:05 AM	#4
bentlaj11 Rose Trellis Join Date: May 2012 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 2,247	Re: PD Tools Week 1 I've struggled w/ blaming and wanting my kids to feel remorse (and they probably aren't even there developmentally ). It's so hard to break out of the "you need to pay for whatever you've done" mentality I've been trying to work on "it doesn't matter who did what, let's see what we can do to fix it". TS, that part about eye gazing is awesome. It's been awhile since I've read "How to Talk..". I took notes. I need to find them & re-read them!! __________________ Amber.... Wife to JA (12/07) Mama to Bug (11/09), Little Critter (1/12) and C3PO (7/14)! InFpType 2/3(?) Last edited by bentlaj11; 01-05-2015 at 09:06 AM. Reason: grammar

01-05-2015, 09:44 AM	#6
charla Administrator Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 16,679	Re: PD Tools Week 1 I forget, too. I hate that. In the heat of the moment, all my tools seem to fly out the window. I hope by dwelling on and practicing a new one each week, I will be able to assimilate them better into my tool box. Accidents make me upset - spilled anything, broken anything - and it is sooooo easy to blame and create disconnection, but I've found that if I take a deep breath, reach out and hug and say, "accidents happen to all of us, I can help you clean it up if you like", I feel like I've chosen connection instead of disconnection. After all, none of us are immune from accidents no matter our age. __________________ CHARLA Married to Nick, 31 yrs Mom to Nathan and his wife Abby, and Hope Elizabeth, dancing for eternity with babies: Micah Noel, Grace Anna, Andrew David www.dancingforeternity.org www.irresistiblehope.org Save Save Save Save Save

01-05-2015, 09:45 AM	#7
The Tickle Momster Rose Garden previously mlrowley Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: NW WA Posts: 17,959	Re: PD Tools Week 1 I'd like to follow along. Will look at the link later. __________________ Michelle wife to Tom ('95) Momma to: DD (A) 21 and her DH (YM) 21 DS (T) 19 DD (C) 17 '07 DS (N) 14 Save Save

01-05-2015, 10:18 AM	#8
ReadingMommy Rose Trellis Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 2,452	Re: PD Tools Week 1 You guys, I read the most HORRIBLE article on the "biblical" way to do spanking on the FOTF website. Somebody had posted the link on FB. I knew it was bad, but seeing it all written out there with an accompanying picture of a mom about to spank her child... Ugh, ugh, ugh. I am feeling SO thankful right now that we do have other tools to use and I'm excited to practice them all with you this year. __________________ INTJ-with-feelings Wife to ISFP Computer Guy (2003) Mommy to: Creative, Thinking Boy (04/2008) Spunky Little Lady (08/2010) Snuggle-bug Sweetie (09/2014)

01-05-2015, 10:58 AM	#9
Hopetobe Rose Garden Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: "Sun, sun, sun, sunny day" Posts: 3,844	Re: PD Tools Week 1 Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ Probably on my phone, and Andrea INTP, DYT 4/1 Wife to B ~9yrs Mom to E 3yo & L 1yo 10/13/09

01-05-2015, 11:02 AM	#10
arelyn Rose Trellis Soli deo Gloria Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Amidst Tourists and Temples Posts: 3,139	Re: PD Tools Week 1 Off to write on a sticky note "We do not blame. We look for solutions together." __________________ arelyn World traveling mama to my star my sunshine and the monsoon baby Wife to my crazy ethnomusicologist This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God give us peace and grace from you all the day through.

01-05-2015, 11:50 AM	#11
knitlove Rose Garden Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Seattle area Posts: 21,260	Re: PD Tools Week 1 I need to watch the video it sounds great. I need to do this. I don't have useful things. But please keep talking. I need to steep in this. __________________ Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years. Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this.

01-05-2015, 12:15 PM	#12
MamaRachel Rose Bouquet Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Cortland, NY Posts: 579	Re: PD Tools Week 1 __________________ RACHEL married to J since 2010 E ~ 8.5 yr A ~ 7 yr C ~ 4 yr B ~ 7months

01-08-2015, 05:51 AM	#14
silverlining Deactivated Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 659	Re: PD Tools Week 1 I find my own desire to blame is a signal that I need a time out before dealing with whatever the situation is. Interestingly, those times when I'm really upset, I have occasionally found myself calling DD by my younger sister's name--it's like I'm 10 years old again yelling that it's all her fault. Clearly, I'm not operating in my calm adult mind, nor am I feeling connected to the child in front of me. Regarding the eye-gazing, I'm sure I heard or read somewhere that this helps to develop mirror neurons, which are important for empathy, but I can't find it now.

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