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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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23. No posts harshly dissecting parenting moments of others since we desire to humbly cultivate a heart attitude of grace and not judgment towards other mamas. We all struggle at times as parents and have much to learn, and GCM's focus is to provide tools and information for each of us to parent more effectively. Posts voicing some frustration regarding choices made by others can be okay, but it needs to be within the overall context of seeking understanding or ideas for better responses in the future.

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Old 01-15-2012, 10:31 PM   #1
Doc
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Default How do you keep your mouth shut?

I was at work today (I teach at a university part time), chatting with a lovely male collegue about DD's sleeplessness of the last couple of nights. He told me about when his son was just starting to pull-up he woke two nights in a row at 2am wanting to play (was previously sttn), so he moved his crib from the nursery into the living room where they couldn't hear him cry. He said that they found his son asleep the next morning and there was clearly no harm done because he went on to go to Harvard. Before I knew it the words "No intellectual harm done anyway" came out of my mouth. He took it badly and I had to do some 'what works for one doesn't work for another, you knew your son would be fine' kind of backpedalling.

I really shouldn't have said anything so judgemental - it happened nearly 40 years ago and it's not like he's about to have any more kids and I need to teach him why CIO is dangerous (and he is, otherwise, a very sweet man). I was just so horrified that he did that to his son (and his wife whom he had to 'convince' about doing it) that it flew out of my mouth.

Anyone else unable to keep the horror to themselves?
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Old 01-15-2012, 10:37 PM   #2
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

Yes, I find myself having a terrible time keeping shock from exploding out of my mouth when people feel free to share me all kinds of horrors (IMO) that they either endured as a child or forced their own children to endure. I can have kind of a loud, blurty mouth, so I totally understand this.
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Old 01-15-2012, 11:02 PM   #3
luvinmama
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

This is one of my biggest strengths.....err...I mean weaknesses.

I used to do this all the time and can get incredibly carried away with book recommendations, scientific studies on why this is so bad, and blah blah blah. I've lost friends over it. And that definitely stinks.

I'm more self controlled these days, but still am a passionate person by nature and feel strongly about these things.
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Old 01-16-2012, 02:01 AM   #4
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I guess since it was 40 years ago.....I might not have said anything. Except maybe just saying that you want to keep her in your room even if it's hard.

I had this with my cousin at the last family gathering. She said something about her daughter being awake for her whole "nap time" and how she just stays in her little bed and reads a book (read between the lines ....child training!)

I was annoyed inside....I just said "Oh wow...she stays in there?" Then the cousin said yes....and I said ....." oh wow..and she doesn't even cry?"
cousin..."well she did at first"

And then I was just like "oh,ok" (I think they got the point that my interest was gone after they admitted that really she doesn't just stay in there but has been trained that she will be ignored if she cries)
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Old 01-16-2012, 02:10 AM   #5
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I kinda think anyone bold enough to brag about how they abuse or neglect their kids kinda ask for any outraged replies they reap. I'm pretty introverted, so I don't often verbally reply, but I'm not good at hiding an appalled expression.
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Old 01-16-2012, 02:59 AM   #6
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostbit Phoenix View Post
I kinda think anyone bold enough to brag about how they abuse or neglect their kids kinda ask for any outraged replies they reap. I'm pretty introverted, so I don't often verbally reply, but I'm not good at hiding an appalled expression.
That's a pretty good point - afterall people are pretty quick with comments when I mention I cosleep. I just wish that considering that it happened so long ago that I'd been a wee bit more tactful.
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Old 01-16-2012, 05:21 AM   #7
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostbit Phoenix View Post
I kinda think anyone bold enough to brag about how they abuse or neglect their kids kinda ask for any outraged replies they reap. I'm pretty introverted, so I don't often verbally reply, but I'm not good at hiding an appalled expression.
This.
And I actually think that the "intellectual harm" was brilliant.
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Old 01-16-2012, 07:04 AM   #8
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I think, too, that when you complain- or not even complain- just express something that your child is doing that may not be ideal, you're opening yourself up for comments and advice.

So when you said that your child wasn't sleeping, he thought that he was being helpful by trying to give you a solution.
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Old 01-16-2012, 12:23 PM   #9
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc View Post
...I really shouldn't have said anything so judgemental - it happened nearly 40 years ago and it's not like he's about to have any more kids and I need to teach him why CIO is dangerous ...
Looking at this another way, maybe it's for the best. After all, if he's giving this advice to you, he is probably giving it to others. And I'm sure your response gave him something to think about. Maybe it spurred him into doing a search for what you could have possibly been referring to.
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Old 01-17-2012, 06:05 AM   #10
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I have found a shocked and appalled expression while fumbling to change the subject to work wonders.
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Old 01-17-2012, 10:35 AM   #11
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I reflect my own feelings aloud, and make it about me rather than them. "Oh, I find that so sad. I would have a hard time knowing my baby was crying while I ignored them."

Inside my head, I say a lot more.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:02 AM   #12
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I've done it myself, quite recently, when an aquaintance I've had for years told me she was advised to flick the cheek of her 8mo nursling if baby bit her while nursing.
I went, " You didn't DO that, did you??" before I could stop myself.

There's a lot to be said for speaking your mind. I think too many Mama's like us keep quiet when we shouldn't. I think it's great that you were honest.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:19 AM   #13
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I just let my face talk - wide, unblinking eyes, silent or groaning noises when my friends talk about that stuff.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:40 AM   #14
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

I never could.


I found it extremely difficlut to have friends with simularly aged children. I now have friends where we don't talk all that much about our children unless it's something positive. It is waaaaaay easier now that my children are older.
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Old 01-31-2012, 06:27 AM   #15
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Default Re: How do you keep your mouth shut?

i'm working on keeping my mouth shut. I though I was doing quite well until one of the mums from breastfeeding group started putting up fb statuses and she started to get distressed i had to message her that it isn't a great idea for their bond.

She was grateful for the support but then the next week it was "perseverance pays".

Now I just try and embrace my inner introvert and given up switching on my social extrovert self.

I find it difficult not to blurt things out!
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