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Old 11-05-2011, 12:09 PM   #46
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soaring Eagle View Post
When I don't get it first thing in the morning focus/spend time with Jesus, before kids get up, then I'm not so patient.
I need to try this...but I loooove sleeping in to the very last minute, and cuddling with my kids in bed in the mornings. It's definitely more important that I start my day out right though. I suppose that means I need to go to bed earlier, too, which means it's cutting out some of my "me" time that I treasure and try to stretch as long as possible before I drop dead from exhaustion around 1am.
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:11 PM   #47
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I think yelling is forcing people to hear your side since my triggers seem to be when people are being particularly dismissive of how I might feel about something. Mommy might not like having crackers smashed into the carpet - if it's a thought they're not willing to have on their own, it's so tempting to force those words into their heads.
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:16 PM   #48
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaMiriam View Post
I will usually "watch" myself as I am screaming and think "this is not ok, I don't want to yell, look how scared/confused he looks, I wish I could stop" but it feels so overwhelming and out of control and I can't stop the train until the energy is used up. I really don't like that.
We call this "mouth diarrhea" in our house. Yes, I know that's gross, but that's what it's like for me. It starts and I can't stop it from coming out even though I want to.

It's kind of like getting on the yelling train as it gets started going down the track. When it's slow you have the option of jumping off, but if it gets up to speed, the only thing to do is hang on for dear life.
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Old 11-05-2011, 01:15 PM   #49
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I struggle with yelling also

It's gotten better since I realized that my biggest trigger is low blood sugar, but there's usually at least one time a day when I'm tempted to yell. I don't always actually yell, and it's getting easier to resist the more I practice, but support is wonderful!
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Old 11-05-2011, 01:40 PM   #50
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I became a yeller when I moved spanking off the table. That was a HUGE wake up call for me that I was finding an outlet for my feelings in spanking. Now I am struggling to keep my mouth in check. The suggestions here are very much appreciated!
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Old 11-05-2011, 01:51 PM   #51
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I need to be here too. Good to read all the suggestions.
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Old 11-05-2011, 02:23 PM   #52
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I have been yelling more lately. I know it is linked to our stress. our life is a mess right now. I keep letting things go because I can't handle stuff. My husband is starting to recover from a really bad depression. I am at the end of whatever was holding me together.
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Old 11-05-2011, 03:28 PM   #53
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Somehow yelling vents all of that pent up emotion in a most satisfying way in the heat of the moment. And then we regret it deeply. So it sounds like we need a way to express our big feelings in a more healthy way than yelling. Hmmm. Ideas?
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Old 11-05-2011, 07:45 PM   #54
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by charla View Post
Somehow yelling vents all of that pent up emotion in a most satisfying way in the heat of the moment. And then we regret it deeply. So it sounds like we need a way to express our big feelings in a more healthy way than yelling. Hmmm. Ideas?
Exactly. It's like I NEED him to see that what he's doing (or not doing) is a big deal - if I walk away, take deep breathes, etc. then he won't ever learn that it's NOT OKAY to act that way.

I "know" that's not true, or gentle parenting wouldn't work, so can someone please explain it to me?
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Old 11-05-2011, 08:12 PM   #55
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by mollobe View Post
Exactly. It's like I NEED him to see that what he's doing (or not doing) is a big deal - if I walk away, take deep breathes, etc. then he won't ever learn that it's NOT OKAY to act that way.

I "know" that's not true, or gentle parenting wouldn't work, so can someone please explain it to me?


For me a lot of it has been about control. It helps to remember the best way for me to stay in control is to control my emotions and temper. I'm the grown up and I can choose how I react.

I also remember modeling. Children learn by seeing much more than they learn by being told. If they see you choosing the right way of handling your emotions they will learn much better than trying to make sure they KNOW.

These are things I try to remind myself and they help
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Old 11-06-2011, 11:23 AM   #56
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I have so many triggers it would be hard (and embarrassing) to list them all. I'm really just waiting for my excommunication notice from the AP/GD club.
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Old 11-06-2011, 11:42 AM   #57
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

In Scream Free Parenting, the author says that often we yell because we're upset about something and everybody else isn't. Just like ThreeKids wrote. If I'm mad and frustrated and the kids are giggling, I need to take a deep breath and think about what my real goal is.
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Old 11-06-2011, 02:05 PM   #58
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Okay I've been embarrassed to post here but so many other brave ladies have gone before me and just writing it out helps me be accountable.

I was a prospank propunitive parent for a long time. Honestly, now, I don't care what others do. I mean, God carried me through my own trials, I feel bad for the kids but I have faith that He is big enough to restore His children no matter what they go through. I feel bad for parents who are disciplining without disernment or faith though- because I know that can be a very lonely and difficult place... And I feel horrible for parents that don't have all the tools I've found. As parents we need anything we can get!

I yell when I feel like I cannot control outcomes.
I yell when I feel like I'm not being taken seriously.
I yell when my kids are not hearing me.
I yell when I've lost my temper (which I do struggle with but is worse relating to sleep and meal patterns)
I yell when I am in pain.
I yell when I'm frustrated about something else.
I yell when I'm overwhelmed.
I yell when I'm spiritually hurting or distant from God.

When I decided to move away from the punitive parenting approach, yelling was the only "tool" I allowed myself to still use. It wasn't "as bad" right? But it is bad. I know that. I know that the effect of yelling can be even worse than physical punishment.

I find that many times in life, focusing on where you've gotten it right is the key to getting it wrong less. So I'm also going to think over why I have times that I yell less, and I'll be back to post on that!
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Old 11-06-2011, 06:08 PM   #59
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I keep seeing this 'control' word. WE ALL KNOW the only person you can control is yourself. We are NOT in control of your child. If you're trying to be in control of them you're just exercising your frustration muscle. You can't scream them to sleep, scream them to eat the food they should eat, scream them to do their chores better, scream them to develop into adults faster than they are going.

Here's another thing I've found that works. I've seen dd yell at ds1 while trying to teach him something. I always tell her you can't teach him by screaming at him. So before you scream again, think of the last time someone screamed at you. Think how bad you felt about yourself think how you felt about them ....think about the mistake you were making. Can you even remember the mistake? Does how badly you felt about you and them cloud the whole issue of what was happening? For me it does....when I really focus on how I felt (and I was an adult so I could process with lots of experience) The next time you start to scream, take that extra two seconds think about how you felt.... Screaming at them is not going to make them stop being immature or teach them faster.
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Old 11-06-2011, 06:49 PM   #60
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I struggle with yelling too, and i'm working on it. thank you so much everyone for being so honest, i can relate to so many of you, i think even all of you on something or another.
Thank you all for the suggestions, i'll be getting these books (hopefully from the library) i wish i had more time to read.
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  • bbcode_parse_start
  • postbit_imicons
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • error_fetch
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_start
  • post_groan_function_show_groan_date_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_end
  • pagenav_page
  • pagenav_complete
  • tag_fetchbit_complete
  • forumrules
  • showthread_bookmarkbit
  • navbits
  • navbits_complete
  • showthread_complete