s/o parenting self-talk

[allisonintx]

How about you throw us an example of a situation where you wish you had a script and we can work one out! This is a great exercise!

[happy]

O.k. this isn't as emotianlly charged as some I encounter, but it is one that is bugging me. My dd 5.5 yrs old will not talk about how she is feeling. She can throw these huge fits and I need to take her to her room and she screams and thrashes around on her bed. I do o.k. dealing with the fit, but afterward when I am trying to ask her what she was feeling or how she thinks she could handle it better she just sits there and shrugs. I get so frustrated I almost have to walk away becuase how can I help her if she doesn't talk to me!!! I am sure I am not handling this right in some way, but what can I self talk to myself to get me back on track. Thanks.

[MomtoJGJ]

Originally Posted by happy

O.k. this isn't as emotianlly charged as some I encounter, but it is one that is bugging me. My dd 5.5 yrs old will not talk about how she is feeling. She can throw these huge fits and I need to take her to her room and she screams and thrashes around on her bed. I do o.k. dealing with the fit, but afterward when I am trying to ask her what she was feeling or how she thinks she could handle it better she just sits there and shrugs. I get so frustrated I almost have to walk away becuase how can I help her if she doesn't talk to me!!! I am sure I am not handling this right in some way, but what can I self talk to myself to get me back on track. Thanks.

yes please! DD1 (almost 7) will get up at night and we'll ask her why she's up or what she needs and she says I don't know... Or she'll just start crying and say I don't know... we've never shamed her for talking to us and we've always tried to help, so it's SO SO SO frustrating that she's already started the I don't know.... "how can I help her if she doesn't talk to me!!!" is exactly how I feel in these moments, and I tell her this, but it doesn't help ME!

[Herbwifemama]

Ok, I'm thinking...

[Codi]

Originally Posted by Herbwifemama

Ok, I'm thinking...

Me too. But it is hard when I need to re-parent myself/use scripts with myself in almost every instance....

[Herbwifemama]

Originally Posted by Codi

Me too. But it is hard when I need to re-parent myself/use scripts with myself in almost every instance....

True that. I'm trying to think of specific things- what I really want to do is deprogram my punitive thinking and reprogram is with grace based thinking- but apparently, it's so entrenched in me, I didn't even realize I was doing it. So I'm trying to think of a time when it comes out, so I can work on changing my thoughts.

Today, dd hit the cat. I was angry, and I told her we never hit. Which is the goal, but sometimes *I* hit. So, how does that work? I asked her why, which I know is pointless when you're dealing with a 4yo. But then the cat randomly attacks her, and it's a downward spiral. It scares me, because I'm afraid she'll hit the baby. And then the baby will hit back when it can, and another downward spiral. If I try to make her sit with me, she just struggles the whole time, and gets more upset, even if she wasn't out of control in the first place. I think her problem is impulse control. Is this even on topic?

[happy]

This isn't exactly about the self talk, but I did want to say that impulse control is definitely normal for a 4 yr old in my experience. I am dealing with that with my ds at the moment.

[Herbwifemama]

Yeah, I know it's normal, but it's still not ok to hit the cat, you know? Trying to figure out how to address that without getting rid of the cat. I can't watch them every second. The cat also needs training, but the violence against her makes her more aggressive than she already would be.

[mamahammer]

Reading this at a perfect time.

Yesterday - the kids and I spent hours cleaning the minivan. We cleaned the carpets, the seats, the upholstered ceiling that had coke stains splattered and pen marks all over it, cleaned all of the plastic/trim, washed the outside, etc. *Hours* of time, tons of sweat, etc.

Not an hour later, we get in the car to meet a friend for dinner. I have said more than a couple of times in that hour that we are simply not taking drinks in the car unless they are in sippy-type cups, and we will not be taking food in the car except for long trips. No problem. We bring our Camelbak canteens, get buckled in, and get on the road. We're all very calm, very happy, good conversation. Until we make a sharp turn, I hear something hit the floor and I *feel* them suck in their breathe like they had seen a bear. I quickly pull over, turn around and see that one of them had, without my knowing, brought in a 20oz bottle of tea they had gotten from the neighbor friend. No top, fell out of the cupholder and his spilled *all over* our newly cleaned, not even yet dry, floor carpet.

I'm livid. I get out, slam my door, open their door really quickly, harshly. Yell something to the effect of, "Are you kidding me? Who brought this in the car? What did I just say about drinks in the car? Really??!!" Go to the back of the van, open the trunk to see if I had somehow, in the car cleaning, left a towel in the back. No such luck, I yell through the van, "I am SOOOO ANGRY!!" and slam the trunk really hard. Go around to the passenger side, find a cloth diaper we had used to clean, slam that door, go back around to the kids door and furiously wipe up the tea, loudly proclaiming that I am so angry and that I'm so tired of cleaning up this car because they mess it up. Slam the door and drive to the restaurant in silence. The kids are completely silent because I've scared the poo out of them.

We park and I sit in the car with my head on the steering wheel, crying. My son (6) comes up and puts his arms around me and says, "It's okay. We know you love us and don't want to yell at us. It's okay, Mom." A few more deep breaths and I go around, open their door, unbuckle the girls and the three of them really tightly, one by one, as they get out. I whisper to each of them that it wasn't - isn't - ever okay for anyone to yell at them like that. Especially Mommy. I love you, I was frustrated but I still love you and I'm sorry.

They, because they are amazing, wonderful, awesome, children, each hug me and kiss me back, tell me it's okay and that they love me, too, and I can try again some other time.

What I'm getting out of this is that in that moment, when I have pulled over (which, btw should be an obvious sign of looming trouble for me), I should have just gotten out of the car, even if I do slam the door in doing so, and stayed out of the car while I talk myself through it.

I'm angry! SOO angry!
I'm frustrated because I spent so long cleaning this car!
I'm frustrated and feeling completely inept and unappreciated because they didn't listen to me about the drinks in the car.
I'm confused because they didn't need to bring another drink! I brought them cups! And drinks! And would have gladly put their tea in a cup!
And I'm stressed because I cleaned the car because I knew that Matt was going to be driving the van home from dinner while I go to a meeting. And Matt *hates* dirty cars. And I'd rather avoid that sighing and the "What's so hard about keeping the stuff and the mess and the food out of the car?" by having a clean car for him to drive. And now I have no choice but to have tea carpet when he gets in.

And then I would have had a better chance at just going about the business of cleaning without berating and yelling. And would have more likely had the self-control to explain to the kids that I am frustrated that our hard-earned clean car wasn't clean anymore because of the tea. And remind them, again, that we are only using our sippies in the car.

We would have still had tea on the floor that I cleaned up, we would have still gotten to the restaurant at the same time, but I wouldn't have scared my children. And I would have worked through my emotions instead of just vomiting them on my children.

[Maggirayne]

Aww, (((Jaqueline))). But you ae doing such an awesome job I am wowed by your kids sweet, forgiving and graceful response. I can tell that you've modeled apologizing well.

A huge part of the self-parenting is learning to STOP before responding. I get stuck and have.to.do._____.this.way.now!

I was going to post the other night. Oh,I did, but this is kinda similar for me.

E does *normal 2.5 yo behaviour*/makes a mess/doesn't listen/runs away. I feel physically stuck in in the chair with a nursing/napping baby. I am terrible at GOMB parenting and feel guilty. Add more bad feelings.

My normal response is to yell and grab her. I am better than I was two weeks ago at not hitting.

I thought E had nursed to sleep and had laid her down, and she popped up and would.not.wait in her bed for him to come snuggle w/her. I was tired of nursing her and just done. She ran out and when back with him.

My expectation for her to wait was 1) unrealistic and 2) unnecessary. But how to tell myself that when I'm gritting out, "Just lay down NOW!" and a little voice is saying "You're just escalating." and the loud voice is screaming "shudupIknowitIcan'tstopjustleavemealoneiwannaquit thiswholemomthing"

[Maggirayne]

Weelllll, this morning started off rough. I did a re-start, which helped. we all crawled back inn bed and then got up to go potty, which was the struggle.

[curlymopmom]

Thank you for this thread. I am just such a mix of emotions right now. This is helping so much already and we've only been awake for 3 hours.

[allisonintx]

I notice that there have been quite a few threads where the moms are frustrated and asking the children Why they have done something.

Why doesn't matter. Most of the time adults can't tell you why they do one thing or another, and expecting a 5-7yo to tell you why only sets you both up for frustration.

State what you see. "You're awake and upset. Come here." big hugs and a snuggle, "You're really sleepy, and its time for being in bed" get up and guide child back to bed. Most of the time, even though the child appears awake, they are not. They're doing a kind of sleepwalking. I have a child who does this every.single.night at 12:05.

[Herbwifemama]

I am guilty of the "why", and I know it's wrong, and I can't stop! Augh! I'm big on why in general. If someone commits a crime, I want to know what they were thinking. If the car is broken, I want to know why. If dd does something that doesn't make sense to me, I want to know where she's coming from. Curse of being really self aware is I can almost always tell you why I did something, or at least I can tell you I was being completely irrational.

[hopeforchange]

HWM, i'm the same way. when dd hurts one of the boys, i almost always say, "WHY?" before i even think and then i go and try to move on, lol.