What to say when people try to "teach" me how to mother

Hi!

This is my first post here and I looked around to see if it was copying anything (please direct me if I have) but I'm having a problem in my prayer group. I'm a young mother (a 20mo dd and one on the way!) and the other women (with kids 3-13yo) often mistake me not talking about CIO/spanking/etc. as me not "knowing what I'm doing". I've had a lot of comments about my extended breastfeeding (my daughter uses nursing as a secure base when there are a lot of people around), how I need to teach her not to "cry just to get what she wants" and basically how to be an Ezzo parent. My DH and I are actually pretty strong on enforcing our rules through gentle discipline, but in our house it's ok to cry if you are sad or frustrated. We've thought very intentionally about how we want to parent and AP is the way for us. But most people probably don't get that because I don't want to start a fight, and I feel so strongly about AP that I think it's better for me to say nothing at all that to speak my true feelings about it and hurt these relationships. At the same time, I don't want to go to prayer group anymore because it's gotten so bad at times. (One time, one of the moms took my daughter away from me for 20 minutes because she was crying and both she and I needed to "learn how to handle that.) Does anyone have any tips for grace-filled responses? I'm really at a loss because I'm not parenting accidentally - I'm not perfect, but we're parenting this way for a reason, not because I haven't figured out how to be an Ezzo parent yet.

[J3K]

I wouldn't return to a place where they took your crying child from you.

I would've knocked that mother out. NO ONE keeps me from my child. Period.

If you HAVE to return , I'd be very blunt , "If you don't like the way I parent, then keep your opinions to yourself." However, it seems they are an Ezzo-fied church and to be blunt , I wouldn't return.

[Aisling]

"My parenting choices aren't up for discussion. Interfering between my child and myself is a good way to loose a limb. How about that snow this weekend? "

You really can be that direct. It's your prerogative as a parent and protector of your family.

[Chaos Coordinator]

I am horrified that someone took your child away from you. Disgusted even.

Please don't subject yourself or your family to that sort of nonsense. Be firm in what is an appropriate way for you and your baby to be treated.


We left a church entirely for similar issues and I wish we'd done it sooner tbh

[Domina]

Great question! It's been a constant source of irritation to me in my life, that people have mistaken my quiet thoughtfulness for shyness or weakness. Often, they were startled by my decisive tone when I DID decide to speak up, but now that I am in my early 30s, I'm more comfortable setting verbal boundaries.

I would also not hesitate to enforce PHYSICAL boundaries with a person who removed my child from my arms.

Some useful phrases (all said with a very confident look and tone):

"Thanks, I've got this."
"I'm her mother. I will handle it."
"Thank you, but I'm happy with my plan."
"This works well for us."
"We've decided to go another way."

You don't need to explain or justify gentle parenting, AP or anything else about your method unless you want to. If you think someone is genuinely interested in change because they admire your parenting, or because the Ezzo way is failing their children, then go for it! Otherwise, I'd shut them down.

[Allison]

I'm not sure a grace-filled response to someone taking your baby away from you is an appropriate response.

Your response there should have been a serious "No you may NOT take my child from me!"

I was 22 when my oldest was born. I understand. I had to live through, "Oh, she's a first time mom. She's loosen up when she has another." In reality, it took having a third to loosen me up AND I did NOT loosen up about most of the things they said I would/should change.

It is okay to smile and nod and push back the urge to tell them why they are wrong. When you are a young mom with young children, you have to do a lot of "passing the bean dip."

[Kiara.I]

Usually you can deflect it with a "we're doing fine, thanks! How's your sports team doing."

But yeah, the preventing you from having your child back? That would escalate. Fast.
I'd start with: "Funny. Give her back to me now, please."
Then, "Give her back. NOW."
Then just take out the cell phone and start dialling the police.

Direct is not un-graceful.

[Calee]

When the person took your daughter away, what did you do? Why didn't you take her back?

Two things I would do:
1) Don't ever bring up a "problem". Saying "Oh man, I'm tired! The kids aren't sleeping great" may just be you venting/being honest, but may be seen by others as a request for a solution.

2) If someone does bring something up, learn to "pass the bean dip". "Oh we don't do that, what do you think about this weather?" or "That's an interesting idea. What are you making for dinner tonight?"

You've done a great job deciding what/how you are going to parent, and I'm so glad you're here! Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself or your child, or to just make it clear that certain subjects are not ones you are interested in discussing

ETA: A million other people posted while I ran off to tend to someone So yes, what they said!

[Aisling]

I'm not sure a grace-filled response to someone taking your baby away from you is an appropriate response.

God put maternal instincts in us for a reason. IMO, warning someone before I take very swift and direct *action* is graceful.

Don't spend time beating yourself up; when dd1 was a baby, I allowed people to do that sort of nonsense at first, too, because I'd been raised to be "submissive" and "nice". It helped me to realize that I wasn't called to be polite as a parent when it came to defending and doing the best for my children. Sometimes, we're called to be valiant and assertive; you will find this in yourself.

Thank you all for the kind responses! As for time when the woman took away my dd, looking back, I think I was just in such shock that I didn't respond really at all (my weakness - indecision in stressful moments!) and then had to do a lot of praying about what my next steps should be. I think the hardest part is there are a lot of closet AP moms in my church and a few outspoken Ezzo supporters. But thank you all for the encouragement and pointing out that it really is ok to just cut off the conversation and keep doing what I'm doing, even if it feels rude (why is it that I feel like being impolite is the worst sin even when it may be the right thing to do?)

[Aisling]

It may be because, in many cultural circles, girls aren't raised to be strong and kind; they're raised to be nice and agreeable. The former is godly, the latter, notsomuch...and yet there's a lot of guilt attached.

[swimming with sharks]

You've gotten great advice here. If someone gets between my child and I, they should fear for their safety. It's ok to be direct when people are interfering with your parenting. If they keep at after you say you've got it, you can say, "I said I have this, please let it drop or we will leave." and then leave if necessary. I would find a new group to pray with though.

[Domina]

Originally Posted by Aisling

It may be because, in many cultural circles, girls aren't raised to be strong and kind; they're raised to be nice and agreeable. The former is godly, the latter, notsomuch...and yet there's a lot of guilt attached.

It's helpful to remember that "cooperative" isn't one of the fruits of the Spirit. In fact, if you want to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, gentle, good, kind, faithful and self-controlled with your children in a culture that promotes the opposite, you may need to dig your heels in and be stubborn about it. The way you treat your child (and God's child) is between you and Him.

[LilacPhoenix]

I've had success with saying, "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." It acknowledges what they said, doesn't outright dismiss it but doesn't offer any promises you'll do it, and doesn't encourage them to continue. If they do continue, I repeat it calmly till they get the message

[MarynMunchkins]

Actually, I've found the passive aggressive Southern girl smile and "Thank you for your unsolicited opinion." to work extremely well.