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Old 02-10-2014, 05:32 AM   #1
rcsmom
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Default 2 or 3? Trying to decide

Ok ladies I need some people to talk to about this decision that do not have a vested interest in it
We have two beautiful little boys right now. DS1 is almost 5 and DS2 will be 2 in a couple of months. DS1 is a handful- very intense, high energy, dramatic. He is the reason I am on here and read every good parenting book I can get my hands on DS2 is much more laid back, easy going but still very high energy. They are amazing boys
So we are thinking about trying for another one come this spring. My DH says that he would be happy with two but if I want another one he is fine with that too. However I know that he would rather stay at two mainly because he feels like my pregnancies have been stressful. With DS1 I developed mild pre-e at 40+ weeks, went in to be induced, spent 4 days in the hospital trying to be induced, never got past 3 cm and ended up with a C-section. With DS2 I wanted a VBAC but started to develop high blood pressure (no pre-e) at 34 weeks, was put on meds that controlled it pretty well up until about 39 weeks when my blood pressure spiked to 185/115 which prompted a pretty stressful drive to the hospital and a C-section at 10pm that night. Anyway both of my births have been very stressful and scary for DH. He is worried that if I became pregnant again it would be worse. However I have lost a bunch of weight since DS2 came (which should help the high blood pressure) and should for the first time in my life be at a "normal" weight before we conceive this time. I also plan on having him go to the doctor with me before we conceive to talk to the doctor about his concerns. I think that should help him.
I am also getting opinions (not necessarily wanted) from other people too. My mom is VERY against us having three because she was one of three girls and she felt like she was always the odd man out. So she thinks we should stop at two or have four.
I would really like to have another one- I don't feel "done". However I am worried about having the time and energy to take care of three. I have pretty high standards for myself and just manage to hit them now. I know that both of the boys will be older when the baby is born but I worry about being able to give everyone the time and attention that they need. I am also going to be starting to homeschool DS1 the year after the baby would be born. I just worry about being overwhelmed. I don't know how you ladies with big families do it.
So those with three do you find that you have an "odd man out"? Anyone else have similar health issues and have three? Someone please reassure me that having three isn't that bad
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Old 02-10-2014, 06:18 AM   #2
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

That is such a big decision.

Our littles are two girls then a boy, and there has been trouble with the boy being the odd man out at times. It gives good opportunities for teaching all of them about relationships, but I am still sad for my lonely boy. I think he has a closer relationship with me and DH, though.
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Old 02-10-2014, 06:37 AM   #3
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Default

The dynamic between two and three is definitely different. I found two kids to be very fun, but it felt like something was missing. Bringing ds2 into our family added a whole new energy and liveliness to everything and both older siblings LOVE LOVE LOVE having a younger sibling.

That said, I did grow up as one of three and know the "left out dynamic" you're speaking of. There are ways to mitigate it though, and honestly I love having a bigger family. It does change how we do some things but I've been able to homeschool the past two years even with a brand new baby week turned into an active toddler.

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Old 02-10-2014, 06:43 AM   #4
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

If you don't feel done, I almost think that is your answer unless your DH had strong feelings otherwise.

AFA what you mother said, wow, just wow. I don't see that as a reason not to have 3. But that is a reason to make a special effort to help children be inclusive and care about other peoples' feelings.

And I really can't imagine anyone on his or her deathbed regretting having 3 children instead of 2.

2 and 3 children both sound so few to me. But then again, I am not homeschooling.
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Old 02-10-2014, 06:44 AM   #5
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

I am in a similar situation. I want more, four even, but am also really happy with two.
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Old 02-10-2014, 07:56 AM   #6
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

If you don't feel done, there's your answer. I don't think you ever regret the children you do have, only the ones you don't I was one of three kids and I always said I wanted four children because I felt 2 was too few and three just felt "odd". I ended up with five
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:22 AM   #7
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

Well, having had that "one more" baby. And now I have four. Two would be so much easier. I do not regret my fourth at all.

For 5 years I had only three. There wasn't an odd man out very much because of their ages and gender , I think. Oldest is boy and then next two are girls. The girls often play together.

If you are "on the fence" about it, I would wait until your youngest is older. Give it another year.

I love this 5 yr gap I have. So much easier than having a 2-3 yr gap where you have a toddler to chase and keep up with.

I also was trying to convince myself to stick with only two children because dh only wanted two. But we had an oops. I thought I had more safe day and I was wrong.

It is a very personal decision. for you

Also realize that you will be having a c-section.
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:27 AM   #8
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katigre View Post
The dynamic between two and three is definitely different. I found two kids to be very fun, but it felt like something was missing. Bringing ds2 into our family added a whole new energy and liveliness to everything and both older siblings LOVE LOVE LOVE having a younger sibling.

That said, I did grow up as one of three and know the "left out dynamic" you're speaking of. There are ways to mitigate it though, and honestly I love having a bigger family. It does change how we do some things but I've been able to homeschool the past two years even with a brand new baby week turned into an active toddler.

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Yeah my boys both LOVE babies right now. They have three younger cousins and they just don't leave them alone when we get together. DS1 will randomly say out of the blue "I love my little cousin G" I think they would love a baby brother or sister. I just worry about them getting less of my time YKWIM?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Forest View Post
If you don't feel done, I almost think that is your answer unless your DH had strong feelings otherwise.

AFA what you mother said, wow, just wow. I don't see that as a reason not to have 3. But that is a reason to make a special effort to help children be inclusive and care about other peoples' feelings.

And I really can't imagine anyone on his or her deathbed regretting having 3 children instead of 2.

2 and 3 children both sound so few to me. But then again, I am not homeschooling.
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That is my thought on my Mom's ideas- if we are aware of it we can make a concerted effort not to let anyone feel left out. Obviously the personalities of the kids are going to play a factor but they will be almost exactly evenly spaced so its not like two will be closer in age than the other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marbles View Post
I am in a similar situation. I want more, four even, but am also really happy with two.
Yeah we are really happy at two also I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for sleep deprivation and everything but then I get so sad thinking of not having another baby. I am almost positive that three would be our absolute limit though. Not only for my sanity but also for health reasons.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookie Momster View Post
If you don't feel done, there's your answer. I don't think you ever regret the children you do have, only
ones you don't I was one of three kids and I always said I wanted four children because I felt 2 was too few and three just felt "odd". I ended up with five
I really like even numbers.

People ask us all the time if we are going to try for a girl now that we have the two boys but honestly I would rather have another boy at this point. I have all the boy clothes still

---------- Post added at 10:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:24 AM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by kiloyd View Post

Also realize that you will be having a c-section.

yeah unfortunately I have pretty much resigned myself to that fact. There was only one doc in the area (within a 2 hour drive) that would even consider the VBAC and none that I know of that will do a VBA2C. I will still try to talk them into it but figure that it won't work. I hate that part of it
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:28 AM   #9
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

I am happy with two but don't feel done. I plan to have four because I don't want that odd man out thing either. Yet, I want to be open to being done at 3. I hear ya.

Would you be expecting to have another section?
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:30 AM   #10
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

Wow. I could have written your OP (except I have 2 girls.)

for wisdom.
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:46 AM   #11
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rcsmom View Post
Yeah my boys both LOVE babies right now. They have three younger cousins and they just don't leave them alone when we get together. DS1 will randomly say out of the blue "I love my little cousin G" I think they would love a baby brother or sister. I just worry about them getting less of my time YKWIM?
I sometimes feel this way because I remember what I could accomplish with only two vs. Three. BUT the kids never feel this way, and they feel they have gained so much more by having ds2 in our family. I've actually talked with them about this before and they have no idea what I mean when I've brought it up.

If we had stopped at just ds1 we'd have so much more $, he'd be in lots of cool activities, have all my time/attention for awesome homeschooling, we'd go on vacation trips every year, etc... and that would have been super fun . But he prefers having siblings, he'd rather have his little brother and sister than all those things. I've learned to accept my children's perspective that they prefer another person in our family and not worry that they're deprived of "extras" because they don't feel deprived, they're very happy.


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Old 02-10-2014, 08:53 AM   #12
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

If you don't feel done and your DH is ok with another, then go for it.
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Old 02-10-2014, 09:05 AM   #13
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

We have three in the home. (Dh and I have two together, and each have one from a previous marriage.) There is a 9-year age gap between ds1 and dd, and almost 3 years between dd and ds2. After dd, dh and I debated about having another (dd was a surprise; neither wanted more kids because we were done with babies...yeah, okay ). I felt strongly about dd having a closer sibling, and like Katigre said, is has changed the family dynamic for the better. Dd *loves* her little brother, and ds2 adores her - they play together, and dd is so sweet to him. And dd thinks the sun rises and sets on ds1 - nothing is better than a big brother. And ds1 has a special bond with both his younger siblings; he's glad they are here, and wants to know when we're having another one.

We are in the opposite holding pattern here - dh absolutely wants another. I'm not sure. I *hate* being pregnant, and each time dh brings up the idea of another baby, I recite the Jim Gaffigan bit from his Mr. Universe tour: "I helped too. For like five seconds. Doing the one thing I think about 24 hours a day."
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Old 02-10-2014, 09:05 AM   #14
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

My 3rd was my easiest transiton and of course like #1 and #2 as soon as each new little soul is in your family you know they were meant to be there and cant imagine life without them
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Old 02-10-2014, 10:00 AM   #15
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Default Re: 2 or 3? Trying to decide

I loooooved having three boys. Loved. My oldest was weeks from 5 and my middle was 27-28 months when ds3 was born.

We had some odd man out because ds3 was a Lego destroying baby. But in the last year they have become Lego building pals. Quite a team!!

We have lots of squabbles and arguments too. You know, over precious Lego pieces mostly.

Adding DD has been an absolute blast. The three of them adore her. She's quite the doted on girl.

By most accounts I have easy labors. They are fast. I was kind of traumatized by DS3 and more so with DD. But my pregnancies are rotten with morning sickness until birth.

This is the longest I have gone without getting pregnant again. For various reasons. Some due to sickness during pregnancy. Some because we want a bigger gap if we have more. Some due to possible foster adoption. Life is tellin. Us to wait. Maybe forever? We don't know.

Hugs, mama. Pray. Keep asking questions. If your heart is feeling like someone is missing.... Maybe they are.
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