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Old 05-18-2012, 12:14 PM   #76
Petie
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

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Originally Posted by WildFlower View Post
hmm. interesting about using please. I guess I didn't realize what the true meaning of the word meant. I wonder why it's considered manners/ polite then? If you go to a restaurant and ask the water for "a refill please" you expect it to be done not just if they would like to... so why don't we just leave out please? oh well
It does make sense that toddlers wouldn't know what to do with the word when given a command, it's just an extra word that doesn't mean anything to them really. I think of someone consistently used it with their commands the child may begin to associate it with the command and not optional. But then what happens when it is optional , if you do use it? Would they get confused? Maybe the key is just being consistent with whatever approach you use.
I agree, if it works in your family, then keep it up.

As for why it is considered polite to use please, I see it as a little different, I think it's polite to request, not demand. And I think it's polite to comply with a request. I don't know, maybe I am insane, but it works in my home, maybe we're all a little nuts here.
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Old 05-18-2012, 01:07 PM   #77
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

I really think that it's just an acknowledgement that you don't control the other person and you want them to decide to do what you're asking them to do. And being polite.

When I want to communicate that a request is optional to my kids, I say something like, "Would you be willing to" or "How do you feel about" or "When you get a minute, would you mind . . . "
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Old 05-18-2012, 01:48 PM   #78
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

I've been trying to notice what I say normally to my children the past few days. I *do* normally say 'Please get down' or 'Get down please'. My children do seem to see that as a command, not a request.

I also noticed that I can say to the older three (14, 11, and 9) "Will you please get me...." and they will but that's b/c they are older and also b/c they are sweet girls who like to help out.

The boys (7, 4, and 2) would likely respond to 'Will you please get/do...' with 'Do I have to?' or 'I don't want to'. They would see that as more of an option.

I also noticed that I've fallen into saying "Don't do that again...okay?" ARGH!! I know better than that. I need to simply say "Do not do that again."

Interesting thread. I wonder if some of it is cultural?? I live in the Deep South and I don't know anyone who thinks saying 'Please' makes it a request. But I've noticed my northern friends do not say 'Please get down' they just say 'Get down'.

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Old 05-18-2012, 03:09 PM   #79
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

I often say "ok?" because I'm trying to confirm she's heard me. I've been trying to say, "do you understand?" today I said, "after story time we are going to do x, then y. Ok?" ok was added because she was in the backseat and I didn't know if she'd been listening. I could just wait a bit and ask "did you hear me?" if she doesn't respond and it's important that she does. She had been out of sorts so it is important that she know what's going on to prevent a meltdown
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Old 05-18-2012, 03:33 PM   #80
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

Just this morning I said something to my 19 yr old through the bathroom door and ended it with, "okay?" I then thought of this thread and said it again, followed by, "Did you hear me?" I find that he feels like he's an adult now and all my requests are optional. (You might agree with him, but he is living here and should have some responsibilities. .)
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Old 05-18-2012, 07:43 PM   #81
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

I was paying attention to how I was talking to DD this evening and realized I say things like "Sit down please" and she DOES sit down! I have just been naturally doing that. If she doesn't do it the first time I don't repeat the please and I say "Sit down" or "Mommy needs you to sit down" Then I say "Thank you " when she does it or "good job" (I try to avoid 'good girl"
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:34 PM   #82
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by WildFlower View Post
I was paying attention to how I was talking to DD this evening and realized I say things like "Sit down please" and she DOES sit down! I have just been naturally doing that. If she doesn't do it the first time I don't repeat the please and I say "Sit down" or "Mommy needs you to sit down" Then I say "Thank you " when she does it or "good job" (I try to avoid 'good girl"
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Old 05-20-2012, 03:19 PM   #83
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

I didn't read the whole thing, but could someone point me in the direction of the 5 steps that were talked about?
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Old 05-20-2012, 04:16 PM   #84
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

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Originally Posted by blessedmamaofmany View Post
I didn't read the whole thing, but could someone point me in the direction of the 5 steps that were talked about?
The Five Steps
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Old 05-20-2012, 04:38 PM   #85
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Old 05-20-2012, 08:51 PM   #86
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

DH and I were taught how to give commands effectively as part of Ethan's behavioral therapy. I can't go get the handout right now (I'm "stuck" in bed between two sleeping kiddos) but I'll grab it tomorrow and share what qualifies as commands

And JFTR, the use of the word please is encouraged
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Old 05-21-2012, 01:55 PM   #87
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

Okay, here are the two pages on effective commands we got during Ethan's behavioral therapy. They're from a method called Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). We did the first part of PCIT but not the second since the second part was punishment-based. However, we (DH especially) found these rules for effective commands (that came from the second part) to be very helpful!

Page 1


Page 2 (the part that's covered is intentionally hidden)
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Old 05-22-2012, 05:35 AM   #88
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

Thank you! I am SUCH a chart person. Now it makes sense!

Mind you, the "Let's pick up the block" phrasing comes in at step 4, and helping is good too.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:31 PM   #89
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

I disagree about not explaining commands until after they are followed.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:51 PM   #90
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Default Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom

I totally agree they need to have a reason before or with the command This is how Ethan's social worker explained it to us... The point of that rule is either to give the reason before the command, or after completion, not in between. It makes it less likely they'll forget what the command is

Command then Reason - Pick up your toys, if you don't, you'll step on them and break them. Child can be left wondering What was I supposed to do again? or can forget the command totally.

Reason then Command - Your toys will get stepped on and broken if they're on the floor, please pick them up. Easier to understand because the command isn't buried.

We've found Ethan follows commands much better when they're done with the reason then the command

Keep in mind, too, that the method is used with kids who aren't the best with doing what they're told to begin with
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