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Old 01-21-2016, 04:23 PM   #1
mooose5
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Default When your child is accused of something

What do you do when two kids each have a story and they're sticking to it, but one of them has to be lying?
My son has been accused of doing something inapproprite. He claims he didn't say/do it. Other boy (both are 9) maintains that he did. Usually our son is super honest, but lately, not as much...
My husband met with other boy and his parents last night, boy couldn't give specific details of the situation so it looked like maybe he was fabricating it. Today his mom messaged me that he is still saying my son did it and it sounds like she believes him.

I just don't know what to do about the whole situation. Keep questioning my son? Get them face to face again? Trust my son and ignore the accusations/the whole situation?

Obviously if he really did it, we need to deal with that. Other child is in trouble regardless, so I'm not sure what he thinks he stands to gain by making mine an accomplice. Or maybe I'm just overthinking that. Gah.
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Old 01-21-2016, 04:42 PM   #2
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

that sounds really hard. I'm not sure but I'll along with you for others to chime in.
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Old 01-21-2016, 07:47 PM   #3
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

You may never get to the bottom of it, but regardless of who did what, it sounds like there might be an issue worth talking about with your son. Something like, "Son, I know Johnny has said you did X and you have said you haven't. I would like to talk about what you think about X."

If the discussion doesn't mention anything about blame or accusation and instead focuses on what you would like him to learn about X, then it still could be a growing experience without you having to play the inquisitor.
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Old 01-22-2016, 08:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

Quote:
Originally Posted by cbmk4 View Post
You may never get to the bottom of it, but regardless of who did what, it sounds like there might be an issue worth talking about with your son. Something like, "Son, I know Johnny has said you did X and you have said you haven't. I would like to talk about what you think about X."

If the discussion doesn't mention anything about blame or accusation and instead focuses on what you would like him to learn about X, then it still could be a growing experience without you having to play the inquisitor.
This^^^. I've had those moments as well, I also take that moment to reaffirm to DS why telling the truth is so important--- if someone had gotten hurt adults need to know the truth so we know how to help in the right way, etc.
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Old 01-22-2016, 09:09 PM   #5
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

So... I should just trust that my kid didn't do it, and tell the other child's parents that we believe him and stand behind him. Agree to disagree? They are standing behind their child as well.
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Old 01-22-2016, 09:35 PM   #6
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

What do they want to see happen about the incident? If your son actually did participate, what would you feel should be done about it? If Ds was present when something inappropriate happened, could he offer an apology or make amends for not getting help even though he didn't participate?

I might just tell the other family that you are dealing with your oiwn son and leave it at that. If someone was hurt or property was damaged that makes iyt trickiuer though.
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Old 01-22-2016, 11:46 PM   #7
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

It is hard to know what I would do without details. If the truth isn't obvious I usually just remind him that it's always safe to tell the truth, even after the fact and that I'm on his side and if he comes to me I will help him to handle it and not be upset. Mine is pretty bad at lying though and I've not had to deal with another parent about it.
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Old 01-23-2016, 11:17 AM   #8
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

Quote:
Originally Posted by mooose5 View Post
So... I should just trust that my kid didn't do it, and tell the other child's parents that we believe him and stand behind him. Agree to disagree? They are standing behind their child as well.
Yes. If you trust your child and are inclined to believe his version, then why exactly does this family believing their son have any bearing on you? Should your son be punished so that they feel good? No! How they handle their son is their business and how you handle your son is your business.
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Old 01-23-2016, 01:34 PM   #9
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

No advice, just . That is a tough situation. I am glad you are getting some advice and am interested in all the responses in case I find myself in a similar situation someday.
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Old 01-23-2016, 03:53 PM   #10
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

Quote:
Originally Posted by mooose5 View Post
So... I should just trust that my kid didn't do it, and tell the other child's parents that we believe him and stand behind him. Agree to disagree? They are standing behind their child as well.
I'm not sure I'd do this. I mean, even the most amazing trustworthy kids lie. That's a lot of pressure to put on a kid to say that you trust their world implicitly.

I think I'd say that my child was denying it but that I obviously don't know the truth. And leave it at that.

Is it something that requires the truth come out? As in, are there different consequences based on "the truth"?

It's so hard to say what I'd actually do without knowing the full story. Different circumstances obviously call for different measures.
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Old 01-23-2016, 06:58 PM   #11
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

What kind of relationship do you have with the other parents? Why do you feel the need to tell them how you're dealing with it? (note: feel free to just answer these for yourself, not necessarily here)

I agree with trying to talk to your kid about it, whether he did it or not, in a non-accusatory way. Then you'll have hopefully helped this sort of thing not to happen in the future either way and can address your concerns about it (potentially) having happened in the past (whether or not it did) with him.

It'll possibly bring up more defensive, "I didn't say/do that!" but my response to that is generally something like, "Good. Then it won't be difficult for you to not do it in the future either and it's still something we need to talk about."
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Old 01-26-2016, 09:07 PM   #12
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

Is this something that is going to be ruining a friendship or leading to parents not wanting one child or another to play with the other? I think we all want to think our kids never lie and it's hard when they do... I mean, seriously, I don't think anyone can say they've never lied about anything, ever. I think how you manage the fall out is more important than trying to decide who is lying and who is telling the truth. Instead of the choice being believe your son or not believe him, maybe have your decision how you manage this with the other family if they are insisting on knowing what you are doing--- defensively or assertively.
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Old 01-26-2016, 10:18 PM   #13
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

Quote:
Originally Posted by mooose5 View Post
So... I should just trust that my kid didn't do it, and tell the other child's parents that we believe him and stand behind him. Agree to disagree? They are standing behind their child as well.
Rather, I would suggest that you choose to believe that your child is invested in his truth and choose to believe him . . . while acknowledging that you don't know what actually happened and might never. Ultimately, he's denying it so you have two choices - decided he's a liar or decide he's sincere.

But I wouldn't take a hard stance on it. I would just tell the other person that you are addressing the issue and are taking the situation very seriously.
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Old 01-27-2016, 08:06 AM   #14
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

This: I would just tell the other person that you are addressing the issue and are taking the situation very seriously. and then have no more interaction about it with the other parents.But then DO sit down with son in a Lets talk about this mode.Not coming to any conclusions about him being guilty or not guilty but to let him have his time to say and talk about issue itself and be reassuring to him that he can talk to you about things even when he has made mistakes or bad choices you are there to help him
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Old 01-27-2016, 10:06 AM   #15
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Default Re: When your child is accused of something

I agree with Crystal. Hopefully it's not a situation where, if your child did do it, he'd need to repair or replace something.
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