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01-21-2016, 04:23 PM | #1 |
Rose Blossom
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: central IL
Posts: 181
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When your child is accused of something
What do you do when two kids each have a story and they're sticking to it, but one of them has to be lying?
My son has been accused of doing something inapproprite. He claims he didn't say/do it. Other boy (both are 9) maintains that he did. Usually our son is super honest, but lately, not as much... My husband met with other boy and his parents last night, boy couldn't give specific details of the situation so it looked like maybe he was fabricating it. Today his mom messaged me that he is still saying my son did it and it sounds like she believes him. I just don't know what to do about the whole situation. Keep questioning my son? Get them face to face again? Trust my son and ignore the accusations/the whole situation? Obviously if he really did it, we need to deal with that. Other child is in trouble regardless, so I'm not sure what he thinks he stands to gain by making mine an accomplice. Or maybe I'm just overthinking that. Gah.
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Stefanie momma to Deacon-9 09.22.06 and Davin-6 11.04.09 married to Dean for 12 years. 06.14.03 TTC #3 "A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains. And should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace" |
01-21-2016, 04:42 PM | #2 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3,579
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Re: When your child is accused of something
that sounds really hard. I'm not sure but I'll along with you for others to chime in.
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Mae Married my DH in 2/2008 Gave birth my DS 3/2012 |
01-21-2016, 07:47 PM | #3 |
Rose Garden
INTJ
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 7,198
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Re: When your child is accused of something
You may never get to the bottom of it, but regardless of who did what, it sounds like there might be an issue worth talking about with your son. Something like, "Son, I know Johnny has said you did X and you have said you haven't. I would like to talk about what you think about X."
If the discussion doesn't mention anything about blame or accusation and instead focuses on what you would like him to learn about X, then it still could be a growing experience without you having to play the inquisitor.
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Married to my sweetheart for 25 years Mama to my four dear children ages 22, 19, (forever 13) and 10 |
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01-22-2016, 08:35 PM | #4 | |
Rose Blossom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
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Re: When your child is accused of something
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01-22-2016, 09:09 PM | #5 |
Rose Blossom
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: central IL
Posts: 181
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Re: When your child is accused of something
So... I should just trust that my kid didn't do it, and tell the other child's parents that we believe him and stand behind him. Agree to disagree? They are standing behind their child as well.
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Stefanie momma to Deacon-9 09.22.06 and Davin-6 11.04.09 married to Dean for 12 years. 06.14.03 TTC #3 "A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains. And should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace" |
01-22-2016, 09:35 PM | #6 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 2,025
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Re: When your child is accused of something
What do they want to see happen about the incident? If your son actually did participate, what would you feel should be done about it? If Ds was present when something inappropriate happened, could he offer an apology or make amends for not getting help even though he didn't participate?
I might just tell the other family that you are dealing with your oiwn son and leave it at that. If someone was hurt or property was damaged that makes iyt trickiuer though.
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Rachel, mom to ds (14) and dd (almost 12) and dd2 (3!) |
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01-22-2016, 11:46 PM | #7 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 30,329
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Re: When your child is accused of something
It is hard to know what I would do without details. If the truth isn't obvious I usually just remind him that it's always safe to tell the truth, even after the fact and that I'm on his side and if he comes to me I will help him to handle it and not be upset. Mine is pretty bad at lying though and I've not had to deal with another parent about it.
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01-23-2016, 11:17 AM | #8 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 10,090
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Re: When your child is accused of something
Yes. If you trust your child and are inclined to believe his version, then why exactly does this family believing their son have any bearing on you? Should your son be punished so that they feel good? No! How they handle their son is their business and how you handle your son is your business.
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Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook |
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01-23-2016, 01:34 PM | #9 |
Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6,527
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Re: When your child is accused of something
No advice, just . That is a tough situation. I am glad you are getting some advice and am interested in all the responses in case I find myself in a similar situation someday.
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ESFJ DYT 3/2, Enneagram 9w8 married to My Guy (2003) mom to: Cherished (dd, 12/2005) Warrior (ds, 07/2007) saved & baptized (2004) Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” Matthew 16:16 |
01-23-2016, 03:53 PM | #10 | |
Moderator in Celebrations, Cloth Diapering & EC, Empty Arms, Prayer & Praise, and Swap n' Shop
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 27,017
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Re: When your child is accused of something
Quote:
I think I'd say that my child was denying it but that I obviously don't know the truth. And leave it at that. Is it something that requires the truth come out? As in, are there different consequences based on "the truth"? It's so hard to say what I'd actually do without knowing the full story. Different circumstances obviously call for different measures.
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married 25 years mom to two young adults (23 and 20) and two teens (17 and 15) |
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01-23-2016, 06:58 PM | #11 |
Rose Garden
"You are on the path...exactly where you are meant to be."
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Seeking Simplicity
Posts: 12,684
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Re: When your child is accused of something
What kind of relationship do you have with the other parents? Why do you feel the need to tell them how you're dealing with it? (note: feel free to just answer these for yourself, not necessarily here)
I agree with trying to talk to your kid about it, whether he did it or not, in a non-accusatory way. Then you'll have hopefully helped this sort of thing not to happen in the future either way and can address your concerns about it (potentially) having happened in the past (whether or not it did) with him. It'll possibly bring up more defensive, "I didn't say/do that!" but my response to that is generally something like, "Good. Then it won't be difficult for you to not do it in the future either and it's still something we need to talk about."
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Barefooting through life with dh (2003), dd1 (11/05), dd2 (7/07), dd3 (11/09), and ds (8/13). Unless explicitly stated otherwise, any views or opinions presented in the above posts are solely those of BarefootBetsy, the GCM member, and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of anyone else in the entire world. |
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01-26-2016, 09:07 PM | #12 |
Rose Blossom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
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Re: When your child is accused of something
Is this something that is going to be ruining a friendship or leading to parents not wanting one child or another to play with the other? I think we all want to think our kids never lie and it's hard when they do... I mean, seriously, I don't think anyone can say they've never lied about anything, ever. I think how you manage the fall out is more important than trying to decide who is lying and who is telling the truth. Instead of the choice being believe your son or not believe him, maybe have your decision how you manage this with the other family if they are insisting on knowing what you are doing--- defensively or assertively.
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01-26-2016, 10:18 PM | #13 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 79,607
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Re: When your child is accused of something
Quote:
But I wouldn't take a hard stance on it. I would just tell the other person that you are addressing the issue and are taking the situation very seriously.
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01-27-2016, 08:06 AM | #14 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 26,473
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Re: When your child is accused of something
This: I would just tell the other person that you are addressing the issue and are taking the situation very seriously. and then have no more interaction about it with the other parents.But then DO sit down with son in a Lets talk about this mode.Not coming to any conclusions about him being guilty or not guilty but to let him have his time to say and talk about issue itself and be reassuring to him that he can talk to you about things even when he has made mistakes or bad choices you are there to help him
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~Catherine~ Mama to 5: C W C J S And Grandma to 3: A ,K and baby C |
01-27-2016, 10:06 AM | #15 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: When your child is accused of something
I agree with Crystal. Hopefully it's not a situation where, if your child did do it, he'd need to repair or replace something.
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