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Old 08-17-2020, 01:09 AM   #31
knitlove
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Quote:
Originally Posted by passthemanna View Post
Hugs. R will often spend the entire day resisting a 10 minute task. I don't understand and wish I had some helpful advice. It sounds like you are doing everything right, and someday the fruit will be evident.

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Thank you, it helps to know that it isn't just my kid.

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Old 08-17-2020, 06:36 AM   #32
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Not just your kid, that's for sure! I totally know the feeling of "this approach/technique/tool is not working y he way the experts say it should!" And it's totally bonkers because she's always been a model student at school...so she just does this for me! DH doesn't ask/require her to do anything so not sure if she'd behave the same for him.

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Old 08-17-2020, 12:24 PM   #33
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Does she have ADHD? When mine (inattentive/hyper-brain-activity/non hyper-physical-activity) is bad i do similar and just shut down because figuring out where to start is just. too. hard. I wonder if maybe helping her break it down to an order, or write them all on slips of paper and pull a paper out of the hat, then do whatís on that paper maybe might help? And if Iím way off base feel free to ignore me.


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Old 08-17-2020, 01:07 PM   #34
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

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Originally Posted by PrincessAnika View Post
Does she have ADHD? When mine (inattentive/hyper-brain-activity/non hyper-physical-activity) is bad i do similar and just shut down because figuring out where to start is just. too. hard. I wonder if maybe helping her break it down to an order, or write them all on slips of paper and pull a paper out of the hat, then do whatís on that paper maybe might help? And if Iím way off base feel free to ignore me.


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She does have add and so do I. We just started her on meds this summer. I know her Dr would up her doasage again but I opted to leave it the same though September because I needed to try to have some consostancy, and it isn't like the add is a new thing in our house so I can mostly deal with it.

I am neaver asking her to go off and do things on Her own. I am always there to help her get started and most of the time to help keep her on task. I have stoped writting out all the steps to a process because the list was overwhelming her.

Wiggle worm loves super detailed lists that she could check offeach thing - get out book, get out pensel, open to x page exc. Early bird is overwhelmed by large lists and I work hard to have things kind of nested so that her first list of the school day neaver has more than 7 things, ocasionally on a multy step thing like history when there are two separate things to do I will mark it with an askteic and have a separate list for her at that point so she isn't overhwlmed looking at it.




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Old 08-17-2020, 02:02 PM   #35
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

You are doing such good, hard work with and for your girls. I have no advice, just encouragement to keep on going.
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Old 08-17-2020, 03:14 PM   #36
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Three hours of screaming is really excessive. Your poor ears. You are doing a great job. Have you read the Explosive Child? One of the things promoted by groups that follow Plan B is that you need to identify the lagging skill that is preventing the child from being successful. Is it transitioning to a new activity or fear of not being perfect at something so not wanting to try or ????

You might want to read about pathological demand avoidance. Itís possible that her resistance is anxiety related. https://www.facebook.com/12370870104...dLG0MXTr5t&d=n

You really are doing such a great job staying calm and being patient despite never getting a break.


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Old 08-17-2020, 07:28 PM   #37
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

youíre doing a good job mama.


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Old 08-17-2020, 08:13 PM   #38
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetpeasmommy View Post
Three hours of screaming is really excessive. Your poor ears. You are doing a great job. Have you read the Explosive Child? One of the things promoted by groups that follow Plan B is that you need to identify the lagging skill that is preventing the child from being successful. Is it transitioning to a new activity or fear of not being perfect at something so not wanting to try or ????

You might want to read about pathological demand avoidance. Itís possible that her resistance is anxiety related. https://www.facebook.com/12370870104...dLG0MXTr5t&d=n

You really are doing such a great job staying calm and being patient despite never getting a break.


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I have read the book and recently found the Facebook group - I think that will honistly be more help to me. I also put one of the athors new books in hold atthe library,and the audio book which will be way better for me.

I can not get this child to plan b with me. She starts pulling in all sorts of offencoes, and things that have upset her in the past and gets really worked up and can't ever address the issue. Any opertunity to talk about something that up sets her or that she doesn't liem she takes as an opertunity to talk about everything that has ever upset her or that she doesn't like and she gets all worked up and then will go hide.


She has an anxiety diagnosis from when she was in 2nd grade. But they offered me not help for it at all. I have not looked for help for that here.

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Old 08-17-2020, 09:43 PM   #39
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Default I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I mean that second paragraph is pretty much what PDA looks like. The problem is hard to solve in their mind, so they avoid collaborating on it. When mine starts listing all the things that have upset him ever, I just shove food at him and come back later. That is one of his hangry signals and I canít reason with that.

Trying to think how to ďside doorĒ collaboration. I think it helps when you see something went well like how she solved her schoolwork problem on her own the other day, or if you have a day that getting started wasnít awful and then mention that you liked that and ask what she thinks helped make it easier that you could put in place so itís easier in the future too. I try to have a few suggestions (not necessarily that he will like lol) because he tends to freeze with open ended questions on the spot like that and canít think. But once he hears my awful ideas, then heís motivated to push back with some ideas of his own. I give him space to think about it and then check in after 20-30 minutes. You canít let it go too long or it will be gone forever. Even if you donít necessarily get an agreement, I think the process helps and he will often decide that whatever thing isnít really that big of a deal after all, like please donít make go through all that again. Lol

For anxiety, weíve done the things and they werenít all that helpful. Except meds and then he didnít really need therapy after that. He already learned the skills he just couldnít access them until we got his brain chemicals more balanced.

Try to find the lagging skill here. For C, reality not matching his unspoken expectations has always been huge and most of the biggest meltdowns have been about that. Itís a LOT better now that heís older.


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Old 08-17-2020, 10:00 PM   #40
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

This child reacts almost the same way to praise as to criticism.

'hey early bird, can you come look at this math problem I think you skiped a part' she screatches and kind of slinks away or even runs out of the room yelling don't talk to me.

' hey early bird, this is really really good work here, thank you' she squeeks and slinks down and hids under the table saying don't talk to me.



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Old 08-17-2020, 10:44 PM   #41
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Oh my goodness. I donít even know what to do with that.


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Old 08-17-2020, 10:52 PM   #42
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

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Originally Posted by sweetpeasmommy View Post
Oh my goodness. I donít even know what to do with that.


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Thank you for saying that.

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Old 08-18-2020, 02:57 AM   #43
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Have you see the video on the you tube Channel "How To ADHD" called "the wall of awful"?
It has been such a help to me and for me. I have walls of awful everywhere. Surrounding almost every task. It's so hard to start and do anything. It's so hard.
I can really understand Early Bird in some ways. The having to start work after having fun, the schedule was thrown off. The automatic assumption is that is will remain off because there is no way to rebuild the regular structure of the day. And once things were derailed by the bike ride (and you didn't foreshadow that school would still take place) plans were already made for the day and you then said that the normal schedule would be in place....but how can that be when the possibility of normalcy was already destroyed. In my mind it would feel like trying trying to squeeze a large triangle shaped schedule into a small round hole that is left of the day (no it doesn't matter that you are only 20 min off it isn't about time so much as routine). I have to go straight from breakfast to school or it doesn't happen. Dishes wait till after lunch. Etc. If there are any appointments in the morning then school doesn't happen that day. Because the whole day was ruined by the morning interruptions and I can't adjust our usual routine, it has to be wholely intact or I can't do any of it.
It will take me weeks to start a task that takes less then ten minutes and makes my life easier. Yup. Weeks. The mental energy it takes to get past "something" causing a wall of awful required to get started is exhausting.
Sorry if this is rambling and confusing.

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---------- Post added at 05:57 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:56 AM ----------

Wall of awful video: https://youtu.be/Uo08uS904Rg

I rewatch it every couple of months. It really helps me.

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Old 08-18-2020, 06:18 AM   #44
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

PDA pinged for me too. https://www.facebook.com/SallyCatPDA/ and https://www.facebook.com/intunepathways/ are both pages I follow to get digestible portions of info at a time. I have a friend who can go full research mode but I need small bits.

As for responding to both criticism and praise the same way, it reminds me of when I left a new toy in my daughter's room for her to find as a morning surprise. She circled it like she was a wild animal with an enemy and then stopped and glared at me. She ended up liking it but at first, it was just unexpected and that was enough to really mess her up. She is 9 now and gets excited about surprises and can roll with change a bit better, but we still have fallout if things go out of her norm. Like we went to the lake with family for a week. It was great. But we budgeted a few days of emotional reserves to deal with her big feelings afterwards.

With PDA - invitations rather than expectations work better. "Hey, are you up for problem solving with me in a few hours?" or "Wanna help me with dinner?" with no expectation that it will come to anything but leaving room for the possibility of her being into it. Statements about what needs to be done that leave room for her to interpret and decide what to do will also help. "The trash bag is full" or "We haven't gotten to schoolwork yet, huh?" A big thing is that expectations and external pressure feels like danger to PDAers so they are frequently living in state of arousal and fight/flight/freeze mode. Working to reduce demands and pressures can allow them to relax enough to work through the demands that remain, problem self, use skills taught in therapy, etc.
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Old 08-18-2020, 08:09 AM   #45
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Quote:
Originally Posted by SewingGreenMama View Post
Have you see the video on the you tube Channel "How To ADHD" called "the wall of awful"?
It has been such a help to me and for me. I have walls of awful everywhere. Surrounding almost every task. It's so hard to start and do anything. It's so hard.
I can really understand Early Bird in some ways. The having to start work after having fun, the schedule was thrown off. The automatic assumption is that is will remain off because there is no way to rebuild the regular structure of the day. And once things were derailed by the bike ride (and you didn't foreshadow that school would still take place) plans were already made for the day and you then said that the normal schedule would be in place....but how can that be when the possibility of normalcy was already destroyed. In my mind it would feel like trying trying to squeeze a large triangle shaped schedule into a small round hole that is left of the day (no it doesn't matter that you are only 20 min off it isn't about time so much as routine). I have to go straight from breakfast to school or it doesn't happen. Dishes wait till after lunch. Etc. If there are any appointments in the morning then school doesn't happen that day. Because the whole day was ruined by the morning interruptions and I can't adjust our usual routine, it has to be wholely intact or I can't do any of it.
It will take me weeks to start a task that takes less then ten minutes and makes my life easier. Yup. Weeks. The mental energy it takes to get past "something" causing a wall of awful required to get started is exhausting.
Sorry if this is rambling and confusing.

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

---------- Post added at 05:57 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:56 AM ----------

Wall of awful video: https://youtu.be/Uo08uS904Rg

I rewatch it every couple of months. It really helps me.

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk
Ok. I have seem that before. And it makes some sence. But in my own head it always come downs to sucking it up and doing the thing. I can make the situation harder ( adding bricks carefully putting them in) or you sick it up and start climbing. I guessl I don't understand the ' emotial work' that they talk about. I clearly don't understand that temmin other cases. I don't have anything in my head really between walloweong and sucking it up and getting the thing done.

Oh laundry is horrable I hate it - I can make it worse my alovliding it or wallow thinking about it and not of Theo's just compund it untill i suck it up and do the thing.

When I was in 1st to 3rd grade I rember flopping all around because spelling was impocibly hard. But by 5 grade I had gotten it in my head that I didnt do any good and only made it worse and that I needed to just get it done so I could do something I wanted to do.


Is there anyway I can help early bird get to the just do it?

If I could teach my children one thing it would be grit - the just do it. And it is the thing that I am utterly failing to teach her.

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and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is six.
How do I suddenly not have any little girls!
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