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11-06-2011, 08:17 PM | #61 | ||||
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,552
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
oh yeah, I need this.
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Thank you for starting this thread!
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Homeschooling Mumma to Princess (6 Feb 05) and Chicken (20 Jul 08). Little sister of Meli. |
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11-06-2011, 08:25 PM | #62 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Am excellent book that is probably at your library is Liberated Parents Liberated Children, Your Guide to a Happier Family by Mazlish and Faber. All their books are excellent.
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11-06-2011, 09:02 PM | #63 | ||
Rose Bush
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Warner Robins GA
Posts: 311
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
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Honestly, GCM was the first place that the concept of a child not being controlled was a "good thing"- I've *always* understood it to be a parent's job to do just that ---------- Post added at 11:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:46 PM ---------- Quote:
I yell when I feel afraid of the outcomes I yell when I feel insignifigant I yell when I feel like I'm not being heard I yell when I am not consciously working on my anger- or when I've allowed myself to exaggerate. I yell when I'm hurting I yell when I have other things on my mind that I haven't given to God I yell when I haven't triaged the situations at hand I yell when I am not trusting God or am running from Him. I do better at *not yelling* when: I have planned ahead I have realistic expecations of our children I keep in mind "What are these kids LEARNING?" I put things down that don't actually need my attention I take enough time for myself to be able to identify my needs I take time to put my exaggerated thoughts into perspective (Learned this in anger class- If you say "Geeze this kid poops every where, then visualize if the child actually did poop EVERYWHERE. Bring it back down to reality) I give myself credit for what I've accomplished or not I give myself validity for stresses rather than try to shove them down I pray and stay connected and right with God and His Word I allow HIM to determine outcomes and have faith that He will give me the wisdom to roll with what ever He takes us through. I spend one on one designated time each day with the kiddos (staggered bed times or during one's nap etc) I am able to make myself stop and think as I head that bad direction I say "I'm upset and don't want to say something I'll regret so I'm going to cool off" (Thank you peridot! Her blog was the first time I realized how to be human in front of my kids while still providing a good example) I used to have our oldest sit in a certain spot and sing because it made him happy. So that was our "rule" that if we got upset, we'd sit and sing. I remember one moment when ALL of use (myself included) were sitting on the mat singing the ABCs... I'll never forget that moment of us all helping each other feel better. And I thinking of our job to serve each other as a family in that way really helps me put things in perspective when I'm being unrealistic) Ehh I have more but will be back with those later
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Annie ...like the orphan
A career student at 'God Is Still Growing Me' Techincal College Jointly enrolled at 'Amen To That' University My husband is active duty Army. We had three kids in thirty one months. Fortunately I've kept them all alive and mostly healthy Even the stressful days are blessings and/or struggles that we've overcome! The next generation of perpetually in progress humans: Darrell(Dec2006) Jonas(April2008) Katie(July2009) |
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11-06-2011, 09:20 PM | #64 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Inglewood, CA
Posts: 8,208
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Thank you for this. I'm not a "yeller" per se, but the tone and the facial expressions and the ick are all there... the only thing missing is the actual volume, and I'm not deluded enough to believe that being unkind to my children or husband in a lower voice means I don't need this thread. <wry smile>
Let's help each other.
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~AQW~ Alleged eSfJ Richly blessed wife of Harold Proud mama of Dexter (Feb 2002) and Celeste (April 2005) Always loving Thomas William (03/04)
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11-06-2011, 09:35 PM | #65 |
Rose Garden
I am so hopelessly in love..
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Chillin' in the California hills
Posts: 24,678
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Just seeing this. i'll add more when I don't have a toddler on my lap.
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11-07-2011, 06:51 AM | #66 |
Rose Garden
In my world everyone's a pony
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies
Posts: 11,743
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
This morning Lydia kept taking charlottes shoes while Charlotte was trying to put them on. I said "I need you to stop doing that. It upsets her" and Lydia replied "but listen, it's really funny when she screams " and did it again. I began to raise my voice and shout "you may NOT do things just to make her scream" and I saw Lydia tune out and roll her eyes. I took a deep breath and said "I'm sorry I was harsh with you. I'm going to stop now. It's not ok to make sister feel upset just because you think it's funny. Wouldn't it make you sad if I kept taking your toys and laughing when you got upset? Just because you are bigger doesn't mean you should treat her unkindly."
As soon as I took that deep breath and apologized, she started listening again. Without being told she made amends.
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I'm Megan (ENFP, DYT Type 1)
Married since 2007 to my Apple-geeky artist Don (INTJ) Mommy to Lydia (1/08) "Nature is really dirty" Charlotte (7/10) "me am not chawlotte me are batman" Introducing Nolan January 11, 2014 |
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11-07-2011, 07:05 AM | #67 |
Rose Garden
Growing is hard work
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: By the ocean!
Posts: 4,242
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
I generally only yell when I feel I am not heard/listened to otherwise. My biggest trigger right now is the bookshelf. I have 2 small shelves of books, and one whole level has kid books. For months now, DS has been pulling my books off the shelf and trying to throw them all over the living room. He has already destroyed (as in ripped up, ripped the cover off, etc.) 3 books that he got to before I could get to him or knew he was doing it. For months I have been gently, physically redirecting and giving positive instruction "Those are mommy's books, leave them on the shelf. You may have your books, see they are down here." or "Come over here and play with this other toy" etc. I have been doing this over. and over. and over. and over, several times a day every day for months. If I am sitting or engaged in something and can't get to him in seconds to physically move him, I give calm verbal instruction first, hoping he will listen to that and if not, I do get up and go to him. But if I do that, he moves even faster to try to do what he wants before I get to him. That and having done this for the seven bazillionth time...I am just done. I yell because I see no progress and I feel he is not listening to me at all, and in fact rushes to do exactly what I don't want him to do because he knows I am coming. I just want him to STOP WHEN I SAY STOP. Before I yell. This applies to some other situations too but this is the big one right now.
I am beyond frustrated because there is nowhere else I can put my books right now. I have no way to put them up out of his reach. I would really love to install some shelves that are high up on the wall and he can't get to. But it's just not in the budget right now.
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Sharon INFJ
Babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth-diapering mama to Zulu 11/30/09 and Echo 5/12/12 Wife to my Submariner for 5 years! |
11-07-2011, 07:06 AM | #68 |
Rose Garden
Srsly?
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: DFW
Posts: 24,442
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
What does it for me is when they keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over. Like Caden trying to make Jon cry on purpose, like in the above scenario. I get his attention and tell him to stop. And he continues to do it until I start screaming at him and make him stop.
Or the same with noise. Caden makes the most obnoxious train whistle sound and it drives me bananas. Or just now, I was correcting Jon for throwing his sippy cup and Caden started laughing that I was yelling at him and Jon started laughing. ANd I just lost it. I *hate* myself for yelling but I cannot stand out right disrespect and disobedience. They push and push and push my buttons until I lose it and I don't know how to stop it or change it. Short of applying arbitrary consequences. I think I have some of the worst behaved kids and I do not enjoy them as a result.
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Heather (ISTJ) working full time, wife to Jason since '02, mom to C 12 years old, J 9 years old , and T 6 years old , mouse catching, Izzy, and rabbit chasing, Ellie. |
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11-07-2011, 07:23 AM | #69 | |
Rose Garden
In my world everyone's a pony
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies
Posts: 11,743
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
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I struggle with the ideas of disrespect and disobedience. It takes a huge shift in how we view these behaviors to correct our reaction. The less I think of things as defiance or disrespect or disobedience the easier it is to keep my cool. Crystal's post on defiance really helped me. I also struggle with one child doing something to hurt the other. I rarely if ever yelled until I had two kids. There's so much more that can be frustrating to us when they have a sibling.
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I'm Megan (ENFP, DYT Type 1)
Married since 2007 to my Apple-geeky artist Don (INTJ) Mommy to Lydia (1/08) "Nature is really dirty" Charlotte (7/10) "me am not chawlotte me are batman" Introducing Nolan January 11, 2014 |
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11-07-2011, 07:53 AM | #70 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,480
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Try changing your script to "you need to..." There's a HUGE difference in what you need them to do and what they need to do.
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---------- Post added at 09:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:50 AM ---------- He thinks it's a game now. Can you take those books and put them in a closet/under a bed/AWAY for a while? It's not ideal but take the stack and just get it out of there. If they're books you're using do you have a row of books that don't get used EVERYDAY? Switch it out and put those books in the closet. Sometimes the littles get so focused on something, it's their go to *thing* when they want some momma attn. It doesn't matter that it's negative attn, it's just momma attn.
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Swimming with Sharks Loving my DH for 19 years 'Pete' 8.5 yo dd 'Dragonfly' 6 yo ds the new kid is 3.5 yo ds always remembering the one I didn't get to hold Mary has been healed by the blood of the lamb
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11-07-2011, 08:11 AM | #71 | |
Rose Garden
In my world everyone's a pony
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies
Posts: 11,743
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Quote:
All good advice! Thank you
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I'm Megan (ENFP, DYT Type 1)
Married since 2007 to my Apple-geeky artist Don (INTJ) Mommy to Lydia (1/08) "Nature is really dirty" Charlotte (7/10) "me am not chawlotte me are batman" Introducing Nolan January 11, 2014 |
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11-07-2011, 08:50 AM | #72 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,740
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Yeah, i have bookshelves ALL over my house... but the bottom two shelves have to be empty. If they are not, then whatever is on those shelves will get destroyed
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11-07-2011, 08:55 AM | #73 |
Rose Garden
Growing is hard work
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: By the ocean!
Posts: 4,242
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
It is REALLY hard for me to think about putting my books away. Most of them don't get used regularly. I don't get to sit down and really spend time reading these days, but I am a reader, it's one of the things I LOVE to do. As I was thinking about why I really don't want to put them away/out of sight (I've actually thought about it a few times before this...) I realize they are one of very few things that make me feel like ME, like a real intelligent individual person instead of just Mommy. Being able to at least see them every day, especially when I am stuck at home with no car and no money to go do other things like take yoga or dance or whatever that is for ME, reminds me that there is still substance in between my ears. It is really honestly heartbreaking to think about putting that away. But I will probably have to, I don't see any other solution that we can afford at the moment.
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Sharon INFJ
Babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth-diapering mama to Zulu 11/30/09 and Echo 5/12/12 Wife to my Submariner for 5 years! |
11-07-2011, 09:16 AM | #74 |
Guest
Posts: n/a
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
I'm here too and I just want to say that even recognizing it as a problem gives us all a leg up in our parenting.
Adrienne, I think that you make a great point. It's not about the volume, it's about the attitude in the delivery. Our house, in general, is loud...and includes some yelling. But I don't think that yelling is always the problem. Its the attitude that includes anger and an unkind tone or shaming. And I need to be aware of that whether I am delivering it loudly or softly. My issue is always time management. I am way to busy and way to stressed, and that comes out i through yelling way to often. I try to remember that its not my kids fault that we are in a situation that requires my working more than 40 hours a week and going to school at the same time. It doesn't help that sometimes my fight against the busy is procrastination, which just increases my stress. I have reached a breaking point with it and have made concrete plans to free up more of my time so that I can spend more quality time with my kids. I hope that this will make a difference. |
11-07-2011, 09:48 AM | #75 |
Rose Garden
.thankful.
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MN
Posts: 6,451
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
I saw a pin on Pinterest that said something like, "Don't yell at your kids - talk very quiet, it's much scarier." I thought it was funny at the time, but I guess it's really not.
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