Yelling Support Thread

[Psyche]

Originally Posted by mollobe

I saw a pin on Pinterest that said something like, "Don't yell at your kids - talk very quiet, it's much scarier." I thought it was funny at the time, but I guess it's really not.

Well if you're trying to scare them no, but so many kids have competing noise all the time they tune out the yelling (annoying toys, tvs, screaming siblings, etc) and using a quiet voice is the best way to get their attention, keep it and let them know you're "serious". I had a counselor who tied yelling into the bells and whistles video games make when you score so it isn't unpleasant to the child and actually reinforces behavior. She was citing a study and I'm sorry now I didn't ask for the source because it sounds like an interesting premise and adds credence that yelling is self-defeating and ineffective other than a cathartic "thing" for parents.

[PDX Mommy]

[Elora]

Originally Posted by GraceFirst

on the other hand I know that right now during this phase of life I am pouring myself into my little ones and will have time later on down the road for personal time. Just the way it is right now. And they are worth it.

I agree to a certain extent, but if it makes you yell, perhaps finding a way to get some time to yourself (within reason) will make you a better parent. I know sometimes moms feel guilty taking time for themselves, but to be perfectly blunt, I don't care what mom thinks she is better for taking NO time for herself, when it comes down to it, it's often the KIDS that are losing out when moms don't take time for themselves. I'm not saying that in your situation you should be setting time aside for yourself - only you can know that. What I'm saying is that often the "just the way it is right now and my kids are worth it" is the mindset that isn't healthy for moms or kids. I see all too many unhappy moms and kids that suffer from that mindset.

That said, I think there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.

The right way: If you devote yourself to them when you ARE with them, it makes it much easier (on them and your [unnecessarily] guilty conscience) to take a small portion of time to rejuvenate yourself and meet your own needs. "I played with you for 3 hours this morning, and you have helped me for 3 hours. We had a very nice time together, but now it is time for mommy to take an hour for herself. You need to play by yourself now, and Daddy/grandma/whoever will get you what you need, when you need it" or "We had a great week together, but now it's time for mommy to have an afternoon for some grown-up things. Daddy will be here if you need anything." When I say "devote yourself" I mean BE PRESENT with them. No internet, no tv, no cell phone, no distractions. Give them your undivided attention for that time period. Have it be THEIR time. I've seen this concept called "filling their love banks" by some ...call it what you want, it's the QT kids CRAVE. (it's also the QT they're not getting thanks to all of our modern doo-dads that occupy our attention even when we THINK we are spending time with our kids)

The wrong way would be trying to get "your" stuff done during "their" time (time you should be focussing on them). Moms who are continuously trying all day long to make one single post on a message board, but their kids keep interrupting = a mom who is frustrated/resentful and feels like she can't get anything done and cranky kids who feel like mommy does nothing but sit on the computer all day.

If you schedule it, explain it, and devote yourself to them during THEIR time, they're more likely to respect YOUR time.

If you have a nursling, even a few hours OUT with a nursling as opposed to 3 littles (or alone while the nursling is napping) is BENEFICIAL and NOTHING to feel guilty about. Yes, you'll get MORE time when they're older, but setting aside a small portion of time to care for one's self is probably healthier for most women.

If some moms don't need it, whatever. Not every mom is built the same way, and not every mom has the same exact kids, or the same exact circumstances.

Take care of yourself...it actually benefits your kids; it doesn't hurt them. You don't get any award for burning yourself out.

ETA:
There is much research that supports the fact that you will be better at what you are doing (whatever it may be) if you take a mental/emotional/physical break from the task at hand. It's why good companies have mandatory breaks and lunches, and encourage their employees to take vacation. Don't be fooled into thinking that the job of staying at home with kids is any less demanding than working out of the home. Generally, people need "down time" in order to do their best during "busy times." That isn't selfish, and it's irritating to me that moms are made to feel that it is, or that they are "less than" for needing a break.

[Castle On A Cloud]

Oh yeah, sometimes If I am sooooooo very angry, but somehow can make myself not yell... The result is a SLOOOOWWW... low almost whispery, threatening sounding voice, and the expression on my face surely looks horrifying

[Elora]

Originally Posted by Psyche

I think I have some of the worst behaved kids and I do not enjoy them as a result.

you don't I'm Pming you when I get a minute

[ThreeKids]

Yelling works.

I don't mean the blown your top stuff, but the snappy tone that might come up on the third time you tell them something. That I can get a response then trains me to yell more often. It's the easiest path (other than making threats or bribes, which is off the table for me) sometimes. The blown your top stuff doesn't work - it's not logical that it happens, but it does.

-----------

Also, I think there's a difference in the way the kid will perceive yelling depending on just how dangerous they think their parents are. It bothers and hurts my kids to be burdened with my ugliness, but it doesn't make them wonder if they're about to get hit at any moment.

Consequently, my kids might still not give me their attention when I'm yelling and that'll trigger me to feel even more invalidated. I could easily become Dobson's caricature of a policeman yelling at people to slow down their driving, at least to an outside observer. That's fair, since I look down on Dobson's portrayal of the policeman who intimidates with a quiet air, since his paradigm assumes the potential for violence drives the intimidation.

[marigold]

just found this, I haven't been around for a few days and I definitely want to come back and read some more because, I yell too, and I hate it because it crushed me when my Dad yelled. I am finding the more I learn here the less I feel the need to yell, but I have a LOT left to learn.

Triggers: feeling not listened to, scared, hurt, tired, toys all over the floor or just a general messy house (feel chaotic = act chaotic) need to get something accomplished and the kids won't co-operate with my agenda (ex. need groceries so we can eat but kids fight getting dressed and out the door at every step of the way)

What helps: saying Mommy is angry because..., telling the kids what the game plan is and why, picking up the toys so I can walk across the floor and making sure that the kids clean up every night before bed, practicing take a deep breath, going out on the porch and taking more deep breaths, a movie so I can get said task out of the way and focus on the kids, working like crazy when the kids finally fall asleep at night or going to bed.

[mollobe]

I'm already doing much better, thanks to this thread. Every time I can feel myself ramping up to yell, this thread and you ladies immediately come to mind and I can feel myself take control.

Hi, I'm a newbie and I need this thread! I am a yeller, and it's gotten worse over the last six months! Especially with my 'Spirited' kiddo (the 6 yo) who is always very active, very intense, and making every clean up task a long, drawn out battle. My parents both yelled. I never yelled until I was a parent. I was so scared of interpersonal conflict!
I read the "After the fire" blog posts. Very incredible-and it gives me hope.
I want to homeschool for long-term. I just know I need to get this discipline thing worked out. Spanking is not the answer. Yelling isn't either. But I need to know what is.

[ShangriLewis]

Welcome Pookamama.

[jmom1984]

Originally Posted by Pookamama

Hi, I'm a newbie and I need this thread! I am a yeller, and it's gotten worse over the last six months! Especially with my 'Spirited' kiddo (the 6 yo) who is always very active, very intense, and making every clean up task a long, drawn out battle. My parents both yelled. I never yelled until I was a parent. I was so scared of interpersonal conflict!
I read the "After the fire" blog posts. Very incredible-and it gives me hope.
I want to homeschool for long-term. I just know I need to get this discipline thing worked out. Spanking is not the answer. Yelling isn't either. But I need to know what is.

Newbie! I am pretty new myself. You will find a lot of incredibly awesome support here, just keep reading! It's hard, adopting such an entirely different way of thinking. But after 4 months, I am seeing my thought patterns shifting and it's really starting to sink in. I see my children completely differently. I even see God differently. It may feel like a slow process, but one day at a time, change happens! Hang in there. Once you have some tools that work for you and your kids, it gets easier! I like AAOLF.org too, esp the quick reference section to the right. I seem to be able to relate the most to the way Crystal explains things.

[Soaring Eagle]

Yesterday, I had a few times where I raised my voice-started yelling a bit. I noticed it was because my son wasn't listening to me. I wanted him to do something right away and he wasn't cooperating quick enough for me.

Sigh...my dad was a yeller. I didn't want to become like him but unfortunately I am. It's hard to change your habits...

[Cook]

Originally Posted by Psyche

I *hate* myself for yelling but I cannot stand out right disrespect and disobedience. They push and push and push my buttons until I lose it and I don't know how to stop it or change it. Short of applying arbitrary consequences.

I think I have some of the worst behaved kids and I do not enjoy them as a result.

I keep thinking about you. I just want you to know how much I can relate to your whole post You aren't alone in the struggle. For me I can't handle "perceived" outright disobedience. I find that depending on who's parenting litmus test I'm around, I am more likely to become self-conscious of our kids. Are they bothering someone? Are they going to get hurt? Are they being respectful to others? It isn't that I'm worried how it looks on me. Of course I care more what those close to me that I cherish think of me more than I others. But in general, at the store etc, I'm not worried about me. I view their behavior as my responsibility though.

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 11:29 Take my yoke 52 on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 11:30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry.”

I know it's sort of the blind leading the blind here but that verse comes to mind. We tend to take on things that wear us down. I'm not saying that your kids aren't your responsibility, but the weight I put on myself to keep them well behaved is unrealistic at times.

Also, I tend to notice that they are actually better than I'm feeling. Or not bothering people as much as I worry etc. Or not bothering each other to the point that I'm assuming. I struggle with this all the time but when I am yelling less and it is working for me, it is usually when I've assigned positive intent, or been successful at redirecting behavior (active redirecting, seeing the reason for their behavior and then offering an alternative that still meets that need but is safer, less annoying etc- and explaining it to them)

I can so relate and I know I don't know your kids. But I imagine they are different than you perceive only because you are close up- and because we as moms can be so hard on ourselves. The other thing I've found is that those who DO have a problem with my kids, often would have had a problem with ANY kids. They can't be pleased anyway. Sometimes just praying for them helps me to put my responsibly in perspective

[Psyche]

I think a lot of my issue, at least w/ Caden is personality and birth order clashes. He is an E (big giant huge E) and I am an I. He is the oldest and I was the youngest. Add in his special needs of low attention span, high energy and it just makes it more difficult. He overwhelms me with his need and his inability to play alone or what not.

[Cook]

That is so hard! Our oldest has speech and social delays that mirror hfa. But he's made a lot of improvement He is sensory seeking and so very high energy (do you have a kid active trampoline?? I found ours on cl and love it for him lol) I always joke that I was pregnant with our third before our first hit his terrible twos Lovingly of course. I have no regrets. But I think God has really humbled me. God designs them and then He guides us through raising them. But we really have so much less to do with their personalities than we realize. And with high need kids, it can be so hard distinguishing where they need guidance and where they need space. There's just so much I can say about that It does make me yell. Which I'm really embarrassed about. Horribly. But kids are hard enough on their own - then you had a very different learning or active style and it's just... overwhelming to me anyway. Like trying to discribe the feeling of motherhood to someone- it's just too much involved to explain that journey.

I don't have a lot of advice on it because I struggle so much here. I don't stop seeking support. And I really try to give myself credit for needing it. It makes me *slightly* less hard on myself which does help me stay in control/focused more.