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Old 04-24-2015, 07:05 AM   #1
bananacake
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Default "Stealing Privileges/Showing Responsibility" - Can We Flesh This Out?

This is a concept Crystal has mentioned here on the board and explained it a bit in this article:
http://aolff.org/grace-based-discipl...and-pull-weeds

I've started using this with my boys.

My oldest is very literal and he wants a list of expectations/responsibilities. I want to make sure that doesn't go against this concept:

Quote:
It’s key that NONE of this is done in a petty, tit for tat way at all. It’s just about being practical and insisting on respectful behavior. I will ALWAYS start the flow of cooperation and good things.
Yesterday, DS1 wanted me to define the difference between whining/complaining and sharing feelings. So he's definitely starting to get it But for him, he needs to be reminded a lot (as does DS2, but DS1 asks for this), and he needs it to be very concrete. We are relating it to earning media time at this point because that's the easiest thing for them to grasp.

Also, I'm not only wanting the boys to take more responsibility; I want them to learn to do it with less complaining, questioning and whining. Is that reasonable? I mean that - it's not rhetorical or snarky.

I'm wondering how this pans out for those using it. Tell me what it looks like in your home.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:22 AM   #2
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Default Re: "Stealing Privileges/Showing Responsibility" - Can We Flesh This Out?

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Old 04-24-2015, 07:46 AM   #3
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Default Re: "Stealing Privileges/Showing Responsibility" - Can We Flesh This Out?

The way I have explained this idea to my very visual ds1 is to show him a coin. One side is privilege and the other responsibility. They go together in a balance and that is just the way life works. We talk about what he thinks I can expect, what he expects from himself, and so forth.

As concrete as he is he understands that we share resources here and we share work. I won't ask him to do more than he can but he also shouldn't expect more than we can give him. He has certain chores that are expected of him but he knows we will ask him for help in other areas. We do try to be respectful of plans he might have and allow him time to transition from something he is doing to something that is requested of him, when it is an unexpected job.

Complaining is a big issue we are working on but we have a few things that have helped. First is asking him who benefits from complaining. He knows it doesn't help him at all to dwell on the negative. We also encourage him to express his feelings in an "I feel" format but when it crosses the line to whining I will tell him he has two more complaints he can make and then he is done. Sometimes he ask me what happens if he doesn't stop at two? My answer is usually you will stop at two so why ask me that? He usually stops at one so he can save one just in case.
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Old 04-24-2015, 09:03 AM   #4
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Default Re: "Stealing Privileges/Showing Responsibility" - Can We Flesh This Out?

I haven't read that article in years,thank you for linking it!

I have recently been talking with A about increased responsibility and increased privileges. I try to link the two in real time.
"You are able to get up in the morning and be pleasant and helpful with your brothers. That tells me you are able to stay up longer at night and we can read together."
She seems to have made the connection.
I have to think more about the arguing and whining aspect. With whining,I usually can softly say her name or just look at her expectantly and she will check herself,apologize or sometimes wail "I'm hungry!" and walk to the kitchen to resolve the problem. That usually happens during school.
Arguing is different. I do my best to not engage. I say "I'm not going to argue with you. I asked you to xyz and I expect you to do it." I tend to ignore huffing and stomping reactions and wait till later when she's calm.
I'm not sure about the rest. I walk a delicate balance of gbd and punitive because I get angry easily. So I adjust my expectations to what I can emotionally uphold.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:41 AM   #5
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Default Re: "Stealing Privileges/Showing Responsibility" - Can We Flesh This Out?

I don't know if I'm answering the question you are asking but I'm going to give it a go.

In our house each child has a set of chores they are responsible for daily. It's been this way for years. If they do not do their chores as needed then they may lose their personal media for a day. It is laid out on a sheet on our fridge. It is not done in a punitive way but simple consequences because the natural consequence of not doing dishes is unacceptable to me. Just as the natural consequence of not vacuuming is unacceptable to me. And we certainly cannot go with the natural consequence of not feeding the cat.

My oldest and youngest need to see this laid out clearly. We as parents reserve the right to extend grace when there are extenuating circumstances but more often than not the chores get done. If it is an attitude issue they are informed they may have thier feelings but may not be rude and disrespectful in communicating them which include treating our family belongings with respect.

Did that help?
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Old 11-13-2017, 11:32 AM   #6
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Default Re: "Stealing Privileges/Showing Responsibility" - Can We Flesh This Out?

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