Accountability and support

[joyousTXmama]

I need to relearn gentle discipline.

I have become a yeller. I slap and swat. I threaten. I rant. I have two in diapers, an oldest with spd issues, delays, and ODD, little social support, little spousal support (for gentle parenting), and feel very thinly stretched most days.
But I love my kids. I know I can do this for them and be the mom I wanted to be. I quit posting on gcm for a long time because it felt dishonest to be here when I had become this yelling hitting angry impatient mom...but I need to be back here even if it means swallowing my pride and admitting I've failed.

I don't want to parent like this and I've let these things - things I never thought I'd do - become habits.

It's really hard for me to put this out here. But my kids are worth it. Is anyone else struggling and also wants to change? Would anyone be willing to help me be accountable and walk with me back to parenting the way I know in my heart is good? I know it's a lot to ask I just really need a mentor and a friend right now.

[Beth1231]

I feel isolated and lonely lots of days (one car,nuff said)and the best pick-me-up that I've found is Facebook. I know,I know,that sounds weird but on mornings when I just want to hid in my room,the two year old is pounding on my door and I hear my 4 and 8 yr old fighting,the thing that helps me most is reading the warm,touching gentle parent esque articles in my Facebook feed. I crafted my feed to FEED me Mama vitamins. And somehow,I feel like I can get up,hold the toddler off with snacks so I can load the dishwasher,walk my kids through feelings and making amends and....just feel good enough to be the mom I want my kids to remember having.
Being in the trenches everyday is crazy hard. I don't know what is going to be your go to source, but I know we weren't meant to do all this on our own. I'm glad you're back. I'll take vulnerable authenticity over fake supermom stuff any day.

[joyousTXmama]

Thanks Beth, I noticed your kids are about the same age gaps as mine. I keep thinking ahead hoping it will get easier when they are 2,4 and 8 and we can go places again (all my babies are/have been car criers, trips over 20 minutes are really unpleasant and we live in the middle of nowhere).
I tell myself this but I know better: 2, 4 and 8 is going to be really hard too. The challenges don't go away as kids grow more independent, they just seem to keep changing. I feel bad for my oldest who often takes the brunt of my temper and who is often bored and lonely at home doing things in a baby/toddler oriented home. I feel bad for my middle because he gets lost in the shuffle being my most self entertaining child. Then I feel guilty for wanting to hurry my baby out of babyhood so I can give the others more attention.
The isolation of motherhood coupled with pintrest perfect pressure is unkind to modern moms, I think. I do use fb, but to see things like a dozen different photos of friends' kids in matched adorable costumes is sweet and cute, then I feel awful as I literally dug up ratty makeshift costumes for mine out of the dress up bin this morning. And I sure don't have any spare time to take pumpkin patch posed pictures of the kids in their ratty makeshift costumes, much less time to post them. My kids ate candy and fast food for dinner tonight. The house is always a mess. I spend maybe 10 minutes a day with dh. Usually half of which is nagging him to do dishes or something. I know other people sleep train babies/toddlers, don't homeschool and wean earlier etc. so maybe my parenting style is more time consuming, but i still look around social media and feel I'm the anti-super mom. . And for all I've put into ap, cosleeping, homeschool etc - I feel like I've undone it by being a harsh parent. Something I never ever wanted to be.

[everybody's mother]

Those ages are hard, and moreso combined like that. Very intense. And gentle discipline is hard work, especially early on. However it DOES pay off especially in the tweens and teens ♥ when punitive families are starting to have lots of drama. And that's they goal-the end game. My kids were about 7 & 8when I was finally really able to wrap my brain around gentle discipline as a mindset and it took some time after that to get it "working" what helped me was taking steps toward my goals...instead of yelling *at* my kids I yelled my feelings lol "IM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW! I'M GOING TO GO CALM DOWN!" lol. For a while I used gentle-ER discipline as I worked towards non punitive. Although I wouldnt recomend assigning chores as it took several years for the kids to stop seeing housework as punishment . But it was better than what I was doing. All that to say: you can do this, it gets better!

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[Beth1231]

Yes. It does get easier! One baby is easier than two babies,I promise. When N was an infant and C was 2.5.....I felt so trapped. And like I was drowning. And I did my best to homeschool 6 yr old A that year. Babies are a whole different kind of hard.
Now,A helps C get dressed,she makes her own lunch and C's if I ask her. I can sit her at a task like writing or whatnot,walk away and I know she will work on it. That frees my hands to take N away from the dishwasher fifty times and help the 4 year old button his pants ( potrytrained kids make things easier!). My friends with older kids tell me the golden age is when your youngest is five. Everyone is pottytrained,doesn't need a nap and can buckle themselves in and out. Bliss.
There is a lot of good stuff to look forward to.
Meanwhile,I really try to snuggle my last baby,read all the board books to my boys I can because I treasure those moments and A has grown out of most of them. I hold their hand when we cross the street,A doesn't need that anymore. So its bittersweet. But Easier.

[joyousTXmama]

Thank you I feel so encouraged to hear these things!

[camperjen]

Oh dear God, thank you, YES it gets easier! I almost did better with 1yo and 3yo than I did the next year or even two. I don't think I finally *really* took a breath until my boys were 3 and 5 or even the year after that. Now that they're 9 and 10.5, it's easy as pie in so many ways compared to those very physical (on mama) days when they were little. Now it's more hard in terms of "did I teach them ___ skill at the right time so they can learn it to be productive adults?" There is so much socially and emotionally to keep up with now. I'd rather be stuck RIGHT HERE for three years than to do just one year at the toddler stage.

As for not hitting, not yelling, not being a "harsh" mama? Every time you really want to but bite your lip or put your hand over your mouth or pocket your hands instead (and count to 10 -- 50 if necessary), tell yourself what a good job you just did. Don't beat yourself up for the slip-ups, but honor and acknowledge the good moments. I realized that the moments I needed to act RIGHT NOW were much fewer and farther between (dangerous, hurtful, etc) and I could go ahead and take that minute to stare silently or just breathe or walk away for a moment.

You're right on the edge of making some really big changes - but they come one tiny step at a time. Acknowledging that you want things different is the first step. The next step is making a difference *just once*. Then repeat as you are able.

[Johns_Gal]

I don't know a single parent who hasn't had phases whee they dangle at the end of their proverbial rope. You can come out of this, you can.

Bbl. for now, hands in pockets is probably the biggest thing that has kept me from swatting a small child when I'm frustrated and tire.d.

[Beth1231]

The two things that help me not to swat (which I still do on occasion because I'm sooooo not perfect):
1. Turn my head so I can't see the child for a moment.
2.Remember how much work it is to regain trust and respect. Remember what an unsettled,sad child acts like and how much work it is to reconnect,soothe,calm,reassure.
My sad kids hit their siblings. Creating even More work.
So I tell myself "turn on some music,walk away,come back with a favorite book or snack."
Way.Less.Work.

[RoseOfGrace]

I'm in a similar place, struggling with finding appropriate tools in various situations. Mine are also similar ages to yours (8, 5, 15 months, plus I'm pregnant and due in Jan). We also homeschool, the house is often a mess, and the kids do things that drive me batty all while others are suggesting that it would be okay to let the youngest just cry for naps and bedtime and to be more corporal in the punishment dept. /sigh

Here's what's working so far for me... Keep in mind though that I am still retraining BIG TIME my mind away from Ezzo and Dobson child rearing philosophies.

1) Read books about attachment and gentle parenting. I found some at my library and also bought a couple. I'm reading them slowly and trying to absorb the wisdom. This regular exposure helps offset the other influences that would undermine my goals.

2) Pray. A lot. I have noticed that the days I don't spend plugged in with God are the days I have zero patience and end up yelling at and intimidating my kids (which always breaks my heart and makes me feel like a complete failure). I don't have much time for proper devotions, so I have a little app on my tablet that gives me a daily scripture and reminders to read short devotionals. I try to read these daily and then think about them through the day. I try to pray regularly and take my frustrations to the Lord. I feel like I'm constantly asking for wisdom, grace, understanding (what is *really* going on with this child, Lord?), and ideas for how to deal with the various situations that arise. I ask for specific answers to how to address problems, attitudes, situations that arise, etc. It's been cool to suddenly have a thought come into my head like, "What about trying..." and that solution ended up being a great one. Sometimes, it is just to vent. I'm glad He can handle all that... lol

3) Slow down. I've drastically lowered my expectations and tried to focus on the relationships. I don't want to be that mom who had a nice and clean home, but missed out on the kids' childhoods. Or the mom who stressed out so much about school that she alienated her kid and made him hate to learn. I want to be a mom with a reasonably clean home who helps her kids learn to love learning. The blog "Like Mother, Like Daughter" encourages me and has given me a LOT of ideas for how to slow down and learn from the bottom up how to create healthy habits that help my home stay reasonably clean.

4) Evaluate habits. I've been heavily influenced in this area by the works of Charlotte Mason (an educator in the early 1900's). Miss Mason wrote at length on the topic of habits and how good habits ultimately make life better and happier for both child and adult, and how to cultivate habits. I've since realized that a lot of the things that frustrate me about my children are problems with bad habits - habits I have allowed rather than trained. Whoops. My fault. So, now I'm working on cultivating one or two better habits at a time (both character habits like patience and habits of cleaning and not wasting time) and I'm also working with my kids in establishing healthy habits, like cleanliness, timeliness, and self-discipline. They don't know I'm making an effort with them on these things. They just see me making responsibility charts, talking about time and the clock more often, etc. And, when I get really frustrated that they won't keep their room picked up, I just try to remind myself "They have gone so many years with habits of messiness and not picking up after themselves consistently and it is your fault. You haven't trained them or held them accountable. Let's fix that."

So, those are the ways I'm trying to change and grow. I'm also allowing myself a little grace to recognize that this change in me is a long term thing. There's a lot to correct in my habits and thinking and it will take time to get there. I need time to retrain myself and need to take it one or two ideas at a time.

[RoseOfGrace]

So, how did today go for you ladies? I blew it quite a few times today (Thursday). I've not been sleeping, the toddler is getting 4 molars in and isn't sleeping much (except on me), and my ability to function is getting pretty bad from the sleep deprivation and various other stressors. I lost my patience a lot today with my older kids. /sigh I'm so glad that tomorrow is a new day... and I hope/pray I can get some rest tonight. The 5ish hours a night in 1-3 hour increments is getting rough. My mantra for the day has been: This is just a season and it shall pass.

[solatido]

Can I join too?

I have not been the gentle parent I'd like to be. I've turned into a swatter too and I have swatted my little one's hand . I have been working on my own self discipline, how can my kids be disciplined if I don't organize myself? So one thing I'm trying to do is spend less time online (I mostly FB or play stupid games). But a GCM check-in every day or so would do me worlds of good.