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08-19-2020, 06:38 AM | #61 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle area
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Quote:
- I have to work on getti f the day going I will come back and finsih Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
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Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years.
Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this. |
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08-19-2020, 07:35 AM | #62 | |
Rose Garden
Immerse your soul in love.
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 17,611
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Quote:
I feel the same about laundry. If it helps - I have a separate basket for the bits to give away. I put the loose pieces in this bag every time. It moves them out of the way. I also have a Michaels photo box for socks that are missing their buddy.
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Manda Mama to: Bear 16.75 Funny and Tender. Larger than life. ENFP Max 14 Affectionate and Spirited. Artist Chickadee 8! She's Sunshine and Song. Born in the caul We have a fur baby. A cat called Charlie |
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08-19-2020, 07:14 PM | #63 | |
Rose Trellis
Deuteronomy 11:19
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,052
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Quote:
I like the idea of a bag or basket for the pieces I can't decide on. I can bring it out occasionally and make decisions on the pieces I can.
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"Reflections like these lead one to spare the rod ... purely because it is not easy to find a punishment that does not defeat it's own ends." -Charlotte Mason Parents and Children pg. 171 "If punishment were necessarily reformative, and able to cure us all of those 'sins we have a mind to,' why, the world would be a very good world;" -Charlotte Mason, Parents and Children pg. 172 W&C 8/4/06; G 15yo , M 11yo , S 8/29/13 , V 8yo , Baby 2yo |
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08-19-2020, 08:10 PM | #64 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle area
Posts: 21,260
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Quote:
The basic routine that I have been trying to get/ keep going. Breakfast then school that is it. Not cleaning no nothing. I have been trying to come up with some weekly schedule. I still get groshries on Monday ( early bird has been staying home). Starting when we finished last school year we started doing art with my dad on Tuesday and Thursday. Saturday Dh and I get some cleaning done ( early bird go and hids and reads) Sunday we do church. That is it as far as scedule. We have a weekly schedule in the board. But school dies get written up on it. I don't have good if any boundries for when the girls go off. When Dh was working we had a hard boundry of they couldn't go down the hall yelling and if they got too loud ( where it could be heard though the doors) I would take them to the car and stay there with them untill they were calmed down. When ever I try to talk to early bird then only answers i have never gotten out of her is she wants to read and she wants to learn science. it has been her answer sience she was 4. If I try to have her look a curriculum or talk about spacific things she goes back to she wants to read and learn about science. I didn't try to engage her in the talking and planning this year because I was over whelmed and she hasn't where worked with me when I have tried in the past. I completely dropped all of our writting curriculum because it was frustrating her. I given them lots of opetins on where often early is out side or in her huggle pod. I have started trying to not let her do it under the table because she will get right by my feet and then if I move them she will be off complaining and freaking out because I 'kicked' her. Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
__________________
Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years.
Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this. |
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08-23-2020, 05:07 AM | #65 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 10,819
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
I feel odd suggesting this and it may be just too much to make happen once all the elements of this season are taken into consideration but what if you were the keeper of the books?
What I mean is sort of a first then kind of set up. First we have to eat, learn, clean (whatever “responsibilities” you need to get her on board with.) Then you may have your book until X time. At X time you retrieve the book. There will be pushback. Anything you do to reestablish more rhythm and routine and in teas participation will get push back but after a while of consistency could it change the senario for the better? |
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08-23-2020, 08:13 AM | #66 | |
Rose Garden
Immerse your soul in love.
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 17,611
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Quote:
First you ----- then you ------ This is what we are taught to do in school with kids who need this. We can have a visual for it. Start small - Eat, read for X Learn, read for X
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Manda Mama to: Bear 16.75 Funny and Tender. Larger than life. ENFP Max 14 Affectionate and Spirited. Artist Chickadee 8! She's Sunshine and Song. Born in the caul We have a fur baby. A cat called Charlie |
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08-23-2020, 09:05 AM | #67 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle area
Posts: 21,260
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
That is basically what I do.
Except I can not let her read for a short amount of time. That doesn't work at all, just like sending her out side for a small amount of time doesn't work. Even though it is always one of the top suggestions. The rule is no reading untill after school, and her school books are pushed to the end of the school day- and devied up so she gets a whole book at a time. It mostly works if I am totally on my game but if things slip and I am not 100% on untill we are well into school then she will start reading something and then will throw a huge roadblock of a fit when I ask her to stop. Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
__________________
Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years.
Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this. |
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08-23-2020, 07:41 PM | #68 |
Rose Garden
dreaming of purple butterflies & bravehearted seahorsies :)
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9,934
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Books were always a huge problem for me too. Like, I’d hide one in the cabinet under the bathroom sink and go “to the bathroom” and whoops there went 45 minutes I was in the bathroom.
Have you tried meds or supplements for her? I don’t usually suggest or ask that but I’m.....I know with my depression, when it’s bad, I literally can not force myself to do anything. Like, I can sit there and say ‘exercise helps, take the kids for a walk’ but no amount of telling myself that or trying to force myself to do it actually makes it happen - I’m basically paralyzed by it. Once I started meds, and got them built up in my system, I was able to force myself to get up and go outside, which then helped me to feel better still, but I needed that extra help to get to that point. She may not be able to force herself to just do what needs to be done. If you haven’t tried supplements or meds it may be worth looking into. And as always feel free to ignore anything that I say that isn’t helpful. I apologize if I’m not making sense - I’ve had a migraine all month. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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~*~anika~*~
my alter ego DH 3/17/07 Angel m/c 6/12/07 @39d, 4/19/16 @6dpo, 8/3/16 @37d DD1 - K (peanut) 7/26/09 DD2 - M (monkey) 4/19/11 DS1 - C (squishy) 3/23/13 DS2 - J (rascal) 2/4/15 DS3 - A 6/16/17 11/9/7/5/3 ::Q:: I add a little excitement, a little spice, to your lives, and all you do is complain. Where is your adventurous spirit, your imagination? add me on FB ISFj/p - depends on the day of the week. type 2. i think. |
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08-23-2020, 08:43 PM | #69 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle area
Posts: 21,260
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
We started her on add meds two months ago, maybe 3. And we had a couple of honey moon days, that were bizzar in that she didn't read at all except at bed time and she got everything done. I know her Dr will approve another increase on her meds but last month I asked to leave them the same I till September, because I couldn't face dealing more Dr appointments and more changes right then.
I know I need to get her into some counseling to try to help her angziety, but there really isn't much point untill she can do it in person. She really bearly answers the dr prescribing her add meds on the tela health visits ( another reason I put off more changes). If Covid doesn't get worse again they are suposed to start in peroan counseling visits in mid September ( but honistly it could be September a year from now) Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
__________________
Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years.
Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this. |
The Following User Says Thank You to knitlove For This Useful Post: | PrincessAnika (08-25-2020) |
08-28-2020, 03:57 PM | #70 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle area
Posts: 21,260
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Dh is about to say we need to throw down the towl and that grace based pare thing obviously hasn't worked and that we need to go back to something else. I don't think just leaving her alone in a room screaming is good but I honistly can't really point to how what I have been doing has worked.
I will see if he will read the eplosove child or one of that guy's other books with me but honistly I don't think Dh will buy in to it. Partly because he rmebers choosing to do thing and not so thing, so I don't think he is going to jsut accept the ' children do well when they can'. I also don't think he will agree to the just ignore things be there slave and eventually they might acknowledge you as a person and work with you. Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk ---------- Post added at 05:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:56 PM ---------- He was rightly pointing out that in any other place early bird would have been kicked out. And it is true school is even some foster family's would have kicked her out because they wouldn't out up with the way she behaves or the way her behavior affects the other child in the house. Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
__________________
Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years.
Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this. |
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08-28-2020, 04:35 PM | #71 | ||
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Quote:
Grace based parenting is something you do because it is the right way to treat people, not because it "works." One thing that helps me, sometimes, is I imagine what I would expect from the employees at a place that took my children. Say I enrolled them in a school or a place of therapy or childcare. What would I expect of them? And I try to fill that role. I distance my own personality just a tad to give myself some perspective. In a situation like that, there would be a daily routine with a certain amount of flexibility. Yelling and punishment would be unacceptable. But there would be consequences, also. I haven't read this version, I own and have read and re-read the teen version of this book. The teen version is immensely helpful, though. Maybe your library has it. Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors DBT is a sub-category of CBT. It is learning to accept that your child is doing the best she can, in her current circumstances and with her current skills set, while at the same time knowing that is it not acceptable for her to stay stuck. You accept that the person is doing the best that they can. And you help mark the path to move forward, communicating through words and actions that staying put isn't an option. ---------- Post added at 04:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:33 PM ---------- Quote:
It is very easy to fall into that, with an explosive child. I get it. The consequences to the parent and family for drawing a line are severe. The line still has to be drawn. Another excellent book is The Loving Push by Temple Grandin. Last edited by Soliloquy; 08-28-2020 at 04:38 PM. |
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08-28-2020, 04:49 PM | #72 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 30,329
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Agreeing that being their slave and hoping they someday acknowledge you as a person is not something found in either GBD or Plan B.
If she is screaming, I don’t see a problem leaving the room to save your sanity. She’s 11, this isn’t CIO or anything. It doesn’t sound like remaining in the room helps you or her. You aren’t withholding love if you do that. I have a very loud kid, mostly happy stims and over the years I’ve become very sensory defensive with loud and sudden noises. He’s very sensory defensive to other people’s noises of course. I love my headphones. What does your DH want to do? Hitting her isn’t going to stop the screaming, it will likely intensify it. She’s a bit old to consider spanking. What do you think would happen if you and your dd2 left the room every time she starts screaming? What would you consider to be “working”? If she screams less? That seems to be the number one issue from what you’ve shared. Do you want to brainstorm some ways to improve that? What kinds of things have you tried to improve emotional regulation? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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08-28-2020, 04:49 PM | #73 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 2,025
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Quote:
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Rachel, mom to ds (14) and dd (almost 12) and dd2 (3!) |
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08-28-2020, 05:07 PM | #74 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle area
Posts: 21,260
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Everything I am seeing on the plan b Facebook page reads as very very permissive. Today someone was talking about an older child physically attacking a younger child and all the reponces were how you need to talk to the older child more and do your best to keep the yonger one away. There were no lines to draw.
Can I look at those books and see that there is a line to draw because that is not what I am seeing in the Facebook group. I read the book years ago and honistly I am not looking forom reading it again from the Facebook group. Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk ---------- Post added at 07:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:52 PM ---------- I don't know exactly what he wants to do. Something along the lines of if she scremas at all the answer is just no. But I don't see how to make that work and get any school accomplished. My working would he if she has an issue she talks to me about it a volume that dh can't hear(on the other side of the house though tow closed doors and headphones). That she will talk about it with me untill we come to a ressoution. Not stomping off yelling that I am wrong ( the best one thus week was 20 min of yelling that a squarthat has a side of 5' is 5squsre feet - I just closed it and trued to go over it the next day and was treated with 15 of screaming that me using manupulstives that I made and working with her wasn't math because it wasn't a work sheet- after I bribed her with chocolate milk 4 hours latter to work with me she imedeatly rembered how to do it as the gave me a rant about how I must think she is an idot that I need to explain this to her). I really really am quite flexible in what is expected for school but I need her to realize that ocasionally she actually doenst already know everything. The every day not school related is really similar. I need her to if there is an issue not start screaming stomping off but express what here issue is and see if we can come to a solution. Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk ---------- Post added at 07:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:02 PM ---------- Quote:
Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk
__________________
Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years.
Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this. |
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08-28-2020, 05:10 PM | #75 |
Deactivated
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Posts: 4,751
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Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit
Holy cow! I was interrupted then came back and finished my post. There are now a whack of new posts. I'm going to go ahead and post and hope it's not too repetitive or way off track.
* * * * * I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I have tried for the past couple weeks to figure out how to phrase this. I apologize if it does not come across as intended and that you can hear my heart in this. I think you're an amazing mum and have walked through challenge after challenge with amazing love for your girls. I've wondered as I've been reading this thread if perhaps you're locked into a cycle of being afraid of early bird's outbursts and underparenting (discipline-wise) to avoid triggering another melt down? The thing is, she's searching for those limits and boundaries, even if she swings wildly at them when they're put in place, and she's going to keep escalating until some sort of equilibrium is reached. When you mentioned your dh hitting his limit, it actually helped me focus on what I've been thinking ... are you familiar with Barbara Colorosa? She talks about permissive / jellyfish parenting, authoritative / backbone parenting and authoritarian / brickwall parenting. The one you're aiming for is authoritative / backbone. Maybe if you talked about that with your dh? It sounds like you're a little closer to jellyfish at the moment (which I get) and he's thinking brickwall will fix things right.now. Sometimes we can find ourselves so stuck that we can't see past just getting through the day and dreading the next. I get that and between life for everyone now and the major changes your family has experienced in the last year or two, you've had a double whammy. Rather than try to do all the things and tackle everything, try to agree on finding a couple boundaries / expectations to address and working on those, knowing there will be huge feelings and reactions that will almost definitely increase dramatically in the beginning. I know that there are a lot of things happening developmentally and wrt mental health and that there won't be an easy, fast solution. I just sense that what you're trudging through right now isn't working for anyone, including early bird, and something has to change. I found Barbara Colorosa's writings when I was in teachers' college, long before children. I worked in special education, mental health classes and regular classes and truly found her approach practical and applicable in all of those settings. She influenced my parenting long before I found gcm. I was given "Kids are Worth it" when I was pregnant with my eldest and have re-read it over the years. If there are issues with her books that conflict with gentle parenting, I'd be shocked but ymmv. I'm sorry you and your dh aren't on the same page at the moment but am praying you can come together and find agreement (and progress). |
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