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Old 05-03-2005, 04:47 PM   #31
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I try not to look at behavior as defiance (though I do sometimes ) but I try to figure out the feelings/issues underscoring the behavior. If I remember that I'm on their team it helps me to drop the power struggle--usually it's something like them not thinking I understand the situation or that I'm not hearing them. That doesn't make the behavior okay! It does mean I can teach them how to properly communicate the real issues. One child the other day was melting down and throwing a fit and doing the opposite of what I told them to do. I finally asked them why they were treating me that way and the answer was, "Because you will help me," and the look on their face was so clearly desparate. I told them very strongly to put down everything and get over there and hug me--and they did--for a very long time. After which they felt better, apologized, and were able to tell me what was really wrong (totally unrelated to anything that had happened).

I don't let my children out when they are ready to *say* something, they can come out anytime they are ready to *be* cooperative and respectful and with other people. I do use our couch as a temporary down time to get your act together and come out when you can apologize and they are able to say it right away but not with a bad attitude :P The CC is a life skill--it's taking a break and regaining your composure, recharging, changing your attitude--it's not time out
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Old 06-13-2005, 04:52 AM   #32
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

So if they try to resist once they are in, then you sit down w/ them and cuddle? What if the other siblings wanna join in (younger) and the one in the CC doesn't want the little one there, she just wants mamma? I mean it's kinda hard to see kara fighting w/ her sister, offer her the cc, her resist, I go to the CC w/ her, then sissy is bobbing along behind us... Kara would get angry that her 'Comfort' Corner isn't bery 'comfortable.' w/ the stiffness in the air from the sissy that she was just arguing w/. HM, does that make sense? Did I say too much?
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Old 06-13-2005, 12:18 PM   #33
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

A lot depends on the situation in the moment I'd probably put one on each side of me and grab a book or something else to change the mood.
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Old 06-14-2005, 09:18 PM   #34
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

does this "work" if there are several different comfort corners?
dd has kind of set up her own 'nook' as she calls it and ds tends to want to lie on my bed. is this going to be the same thing?
and i'm having trouble not using it as a time out at the moment. i have noticed this happenning gradually over the past week or so.
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Old 06-15-2005, 05:28 PM   #35
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I would absolutely honor a child's desire to set up their own *space*--my comfort corner is on the computer

And it can be tempting to use it as a time out--it's important to remember that it's a life skill you're working to teach them rather than a time out. Taking a break/positive time out of the situation is one element of this and it is important to teach a child to step out of the stressful situation and regroup. But the goal needs to be the regrouping *so that* they can come back and do better! Try thinking *beyond* what you're doing to where you want the experience to go
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Old 06-15-2005, 05:31 PM   #36
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I'd love to have a comfort corner.....but I'd make it so everyone could use it. A big comfy chair, a pillow and blankie, just incase, a light, some books, kids books, and adult books, and the Bible of course. A snuggly animal to squeeze, a few quiet toys, a clock just incase I lose track of time LOL...........Maybe some pictures........
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Old 06-15-2005, 06:02 PM   #37
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

i think that calling it a "break" helps, too. "henry, i think you need to take a break! let's sit in the chair and read this book." it helps me catch myself if i'm feeling punitive about it, kwim?
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Old 06-15-2005, 06:14 PM   #38
godsgracegiven
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I know there is the, "you hit you sit" tool, but would you use CC for other reasons too like coloring on the wall or stuff like that. Also can you give an example of making amends?
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Old 06-15-2005, 06:19 PM   #39
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I actually don't use the CC for the you hit, you sit. That's just sitting down on the couch or off to the side of the activity until you're ready to be responsible for your actions. They can choose to sit in the CC, but I don't direct them there. You hit, you sit is about stopping them immediately and getting their attention. And using it for coloring on the walls and other stuff would probably cause you to think of it more like time out--but I would use it if the child was getting out of control and doing those things because they were having a bad day or in reaction to gentle correction. The real purpose of the CC is to realize that people who are acting bad are doing so because they feel bad so when you give them a chance to pull themselves together in an environment that helps them feel better they can return to things and act better.

Making amends is where they take responsibility for having wronged someone and make effort to make things right for the person. A harsh word would be replaced with a kind word; hurting would be replaced with a gentle touch; taking a toy would mean you give it back and offer another one with it. Sometimes, if it's hurt feelings, I encourage the child who hurt the other one to ask what they can do to help them feel better.
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Old 06-15-2005, 06:29 PM   #40
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Ok, I see, with making the amends they are not suppose to be forced to say sorry but do you guide the child to do these things. I useally have one of mine asked the another if they are hurt and that usually leads to a sorry on their own. Would encouraging them to ask each other if they are OK, be the same as forcing an apology.

TY, for your response on the, you hit you sit rule, I was feeling odd about using it. :/
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Old 06-15-2005, 06:59 PM   #41
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

no problem

I do encourage apologizing--I just don't force it if they say they aren't ready to forgive. But if they aren't ready to forgive I direct them to take a break until they are ready--we don't just go on in unforgiveness as though nothing is wrong Until there is forgiveness there is no relationship
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Old 06-15-2005, 08:10 PM   #42
godsgracegiven
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Quote:
But if they aren't ready to forgive I direct them to take a break until they are ready
Can you explain this more, the break would be to time to ready themselves???
Also, I find that the more I use options and the five steps, I don't need to use the CC but when I do I don't feel like I using it right. Like I feel like I need to iron the bumps out of my understanding of how it works. Do you ever use CC when they are not listening? If so, do you say that is why?

Quote:
They can choose to sit in the CC, but I don't direct them there. You hit, you sit is about stopping them immediately and getting their attention.
Would this mean they have the option of unwinding in the CC or stopping the behavior, and an amends would follow then? Hope that make seance.

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Old 06-16-2005, 08:29 AM   #43
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

TBPH I haven't found a place to set up a CC here so I usually pull them with me onto the bed or the couch. But when I tell them to take a break they can go anywhere they want so that they can calm down. "readying themselves" might mean not thinking about it for a little bit so they calm down, or thinking about what they've done and need to do--I allow them to process it however they need to. But play stops until the relationship is healed--the relationship is more important.

And I have used a CC if they aren't listening but mostly if it's because they aren't listening because they are stressed or distracted or need to focus

Think of the CC as a child version of a coffee break
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Old 06-16-2005, 01:03 PM   #44
godsgracegiven
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Ok, I can definatly understand a coffee break. Thank you so much, ITU better now.
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Old 07-13-2005, 09:45 PM   #45
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I have to just tell you ladies about our comfort corner that I set up FINALLY tonight. I talked with both kiddos about it (2 1/2 and 4 1/2) and we discussed when and why we would need to use it. My 2 1/2 year old, Esme, has dubbed it "the grouchy place." LOL I was hoping to have a more positive name for it....but when she says "the grouchy place" she always has to giggle. I wanted to describe it for you ladies and was going to take a pic, but then I was way-laid. Its in our bedroom, at the foot of our bed, between the bed and the wall, with a big window behind us. I laid a soft flannel quilt down in shades of browns and beiges and then Esme and I were off to search for pillows. We found some beautiful brown velvet-y ones she just loved. There's a nightstand beside us with a big candle on it. I've promised her that if she needs to go there....I will light the candle (when I am with her). We stocked the grouchy place with favorite books (The Red Balloon, being one of them), small building blocks and our big bible story book, all which are hidden underneath the nightstand, covered with a gold brocade tablecloth. I also have licorice root extract there. I use it for maintaining my blood sugar and it does wonders for helping the kiddos moods. We call it "happy herbs". Now, Esme is almost PRETENDING to be grouchy to be able to go to "the grouchy place." Hee heee My 4 1/2 year old, Indy, was nowhere near as interested in this new project today, though.

I come from a more punitive mind-set (my mom spanked "in love")....and I've just needed to regroup and focus my energies on positive discipline again, lately. My question is this, and please forgive me if its already been addressed. I thought I remembered reading this somewhere...but can't find it now to save my life. Do you combine the bear hug and the comfort corner??? Is this a practice that is common? I've found myself doing this with Indy, because it helps him to regain his composure quickest, if we're alone together, away from other activity. Another question......when a child is in need of the comfort corner.....at least MY child (thinking of the 4 1/2 year old again).....he's not bloody likely to volunteer to go there himself. I will be strongly encouraging or insisting that he go...and I will need to be present, probably holding him. Some feedback??? I will also throw in that little sister LOVES to come and watch mommy help Indy to feel better. Its a teeny bit funny.......but Indy gets quite indignant at her presence.

I am loving reading about everyone's comfort corners.....

Lisa
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