My kids lost my phone

[ViolaMum]

We were at my IL's beach house last weekend. I had my phone early Saturday morning when I took the noisy kids out to play so that dh and dd could sleep. When we were packing to leave on Sunday afternoon, I couldn't find my phone. I was pretty sure I'd left it on my dresser with my Kindle and the Kindle Fire. All three were wrapped up in the charger cords together. Nobody admitted to having the phone.

I had overslept my kids on Sunday and when I got up, the two youngest had the Kindle Fire and were watching a movie. They both denied having taken the phone that morning. Eventually, the two big kids (9 and 11) admitted to having played with the phone, and trying to "hide" it from the littles (under a backpack ), but vehemently insisted that they eventually put it back with the charger.

I went through everything over. I dumped out the overnight bags and my diaper bag. I went through all of their backpacks, combed through dresser drawers, looked under all the beds, and even looked under some carpets. No phone. FIL even looked through the trash. We called the phone, and while it rang, we couldn't hear it in the house. (I think I have the ringer turned to vibrate, but we still should have heard a buzz.) DH got super duper mad and almost lost it because it was fully 30 minutes into looking for the dumb thing that my older kids 'fessed up. He threatened to take away almost everything fun this week because they lied. I asked them what they thought we should do. No answers. I told them I needed to cool off and think about what to do.

We're going back this weekend for a week. If I can't find my phone this week, I'll have to get another. But I really can't afford a new phone right now. (The missing one is an iphone.) I may have to live without one until the gig season starts up again in October. That's going to make me even angrier. We've been having issues with them not asking permission, especially with electronics. That and "borrowing" things from my room. I don't have any really negative consequences for it, (which is probably why they keep doing it) just that I make them put it back and fix whatever mess they made. Overdoing it on electronics means they get less time the next opportunity, but I'm a flunky at really keeping close tabs on the time, and they know it. I'm an mark. I'm sure they thought they could borrow the phone, play with it, and put it back without me knowing. But somehow it didn't get put back.

I finally told the kids today that if we can't find the phone this weekend that they'd have to help me pay for a new one. Some of it will come out of their savings, some of it will come in the form of extra chores.

Does that sound fair? What could I do better? And how in the heck do I keep track of the extra chores? Any advice on how I could help head this sort of thing off in the future? At home my phone charges in a box on a shelf so that it's not in plain view. At the beach house, there's no place like that; we have a family room.

[houseforjoy]

Helping you look and if no phone extra chores to help pay for it are reasonable

[SalH]

So you don't use find my iPhone ? It works on silent, it beeps.

For me the consequence stands out as a withdrawal of permission to use your electronics until everyone is old enough to be trusted. I think with things like iPhones and the responsibility to look after them, that lies ultimately with ourselves. It sounds like an insurance matter for replacing it, and working out how the family is going to pay the excess premium. Perhaps it means the leisure budget has to pay the excess, and the whole family experiences the natural consequence of that not being available for other things.

I don't think the chores till they replace it sounds like an appropriate solution. Realistically that can't replace an iPhone. I think the issue you have is honesty and trust. I think the chores sounds a bit more like a punishment and isn't quite linked to the real issue.

With iPads and iPhones (we have both) I think that the use of them is very much dictated by their replacement value. I personally don't want my children to have much access to something I can't afford to replace. But really I mean that I know I am letting them use $1k worth of equipment and I have to manage that in a way where I have the final responsibility (ie is my 3 yo going to drop it if she's cross? If she does, the consequence is mine not hers, in reality). I also know that if that happens, my insurance will replace it because I specifically asked the insurance company if I'm covered if a child breaks it. So my real loss is the excess which is $300 or something. If it was an older child, I would basically let the whole family experience the consequence of the fact the only place the money can come from is the leisure budget. We all experience the pain. We are a team and I don't need to piggyback consequences with more guilt or whatever, they would understand and experience their own natural consequence.

I hope that makes some sense and helps you get some clarity on the issue as you think around it. Hugs xxxxx


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[Michele123]

My first thought was also find my iPhone. Did you not enable this feature? I'd have lost my phone several times over without it.

Based solely on how I was raised (my oldest is only 4 1/2) 9 & 11 are old enough to find some way to pay for the phone. Chores seem very reasonable (in my FOO we would have had to turn over all earnings until we paid our parents back for something we broke or lost that belonged to someone else, ESPECIALLY if we took that item without permission).


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[SalH]

Did that ever come to a thousand dollars? How long would you expect a 9yo to take to raise say a half of that? It starts to look more like a punishment to me rather than positive discipline? It was a side result of a decision to take without asking, meaning for me the issue is trust and whether they are ready for the responsibility of having access to expensive items? Just thinking this through rather than disagreeing completely.


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[ViolaMum]

Originally Posted by SalH

So you don't use find my iPhone ? It works on silent, it beeps.

For me the consequence stands out as a withdrawal of permission to use your electronics until everyone is old enough to be trusted. I think with things like iPhones and the responsibility to look after them, that lies ultimately with ourselves. It sounds like an insurance matter for replacing it, and working out how the family is going to pay the excess premium. Perhaps it means the leisure budget has to pay the excess, and the whole family experiences the natural consequence of that not being available for other things.

I don't think the chores till they replace it sounds like an appropriate solution. Realistically that can't replace an iPhone. I think the issue you have is honesty and trust. I think the chores sounds a bit more like a punishment and isn't quite linked to the real issue.

With iPads and iPhones (we have both) I think that the use of them is very much dictated by their replacement value. I personally don't want my children to have much access to something I can't afford to replace. But really I mean that I know I am letting them use $1k worth of equipment and I have to manage that in a way where I have the final responsibility (ie is my 3 yo going to drop it if she's cross? If she does, the consequence is mine not hers, in reality). I also know that if that happens, my insurance will replace it because I specifically asked the insurance company if I'm covered if a child breaks it. So my real loss is the excess which is $300 or something. If it was an older child, I would basically let the whole family experience the consequence of the fact the only place the money can come from is the leisure budget. We all experience the pain. We are a team and I don't need to piggyback consequences with more guilt or whatever, they would understand and experience their own natural consequence.

I hope that makes some sense and helps you get some clarity on the issue as you think around it. Hugs xxxxx


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I don't have the app. I don't have insurance on that phone anymore either.

The problem is broken trust. They didn't have permission to use the phone. One of the kids took it off my dresser when I wasn't looking. I have a lock code and I do NOT have kid stuff on my phone specifically because I don't want them asking to use it for this exact reason. I don't want it getting lost or broken, or them feeling entitled to use of the phone. We have an old iPad and a Kindle fire that they have limited use of that have time limits set for them. I happened to have the Kindle Fire last weekend and they had maxxed out on their use of it. Apparently they figured out my phone code and wanted to play with Siri.

My aim isn't to punish the kids, and I'm specifically trying not to lay on a big guilt trip, but they've been deliberately trying to circumvent me for some time now. That's just not okay. So far they've been caught in the act and I've merely taken away the item. This is the first time something has gone missing, though. I'm unsure how to regulate them any more than I am. The big issue is that they borrowed something without permission and lost it, which is why I'm inclined to have them contribute some of their own money to replace it.

FWIW, the three older kids have savings as well as jobs that they can do to earn extra money. It's their choice whether or not they do the job. I can come up with some more things that I'd be willing to pay them to help with. My IL's live next door and are usually more than willing to pay them to do certain extra jobs.

[SalH]

Have you thought of asking them what they think needs to happen next? (Hugs this is so hard ). See what they think the solution is. You don't have to accept it but how about a family meeting discussing the problem (the wider problem, and the problem it presents you as a family. )And ask for their ideas. This may be a better solution long term if they own the solution and have contributed not only financially, but to the problem solving. Praying for wisdom for you. And hoping that you find it.


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---------- Post added at 11:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:51 AM ----------

Oh, re insurance: check your general contents insurance because here in Australia that's covered on my general home contents insurance. (We have renters insurance rather than home owner buildings and contents, and it's still covered).


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[FlyingBlueKiwi]

One suggestion for going forward...a small lockbox for things you don't want them to be able to get to...a cheap way to do it is a toolbox and combination lock.

[houseforjoy]

If I am remembering some of your other posts correctly it seems like a wider problem might just be that they don't respect you in general ( and I have been in that place so don't read that statement as judgment). Is this something they are picking up from someone else(maybe some family members don't respect you, maybe they hang out with another family that doesn't respect parents)

Because it seems like that is going to need to be a first step.

[ViolaMum]

Originally Posted by SalH

Have you thought of asking them what they think needs to happen next? (Hugs this is so hard ). See what they think the solution is. You don't have to accept it but how about a family meeting discussing the problem (the wider problem, and the problem it presents you as a family. )And ask for their ideas. This may be a better solution long term if they own the solution and have contributed not only financially, but to the problem solving. Praying for wisdom for you. And hoping that you find it.


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---------- Post added at 11:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:51 AM ----------

Oh, re insurance: check your general contents insurance because here in Australia that's covered on my general home contents insurance. (We have renters insurance rather than home owner buildings and contents, and it's still covered).


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Yeah, I checked. It's not covered under any insurance.

I asked all three of my older girls last weekend and again yesterday what they thought we should do and they have no ideas. I got total silence and blank stares. They really want me to just forget about it. My 6 year old eventually said, "Buy a new phone? You can have my quarters."

---------- Post added at 11:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:39 PM ----------

Originally Posted by houseforjoy

If I am remembering some of your other posts correctly it seems like a wider problem might just be that they don't respect you in general ( and I have been in that place so don't read that statement as judgment). Is this something they are picking up from someone else(maybe some family members don't respect you, maybe they hang out with another family that doesn't respect parents)

Because it seems like that is going to need to be a first step.

Funny you should say that because we've been having issues with my IL's. I told dh they seem to think I'm irrelevant.

[Michele123]

Originally Posted by SalH

Did that ever come to a thousand dollars? How long would you expect a 9yo to take to raise say a half of that? It starts to look more like a punishment to me rather than positive discipline? It was a side result of a decision to take without asking, meaning for me the issue is trust and whether they are ready for the responsibility of having access to expensive items? Just thinking this through rather than disagreeing completely.


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Are you talking to me? I grew up in the 80's so $1,000 then was much more than now. Besides, an iPhone, depending on the model is only about $650, not $1,000. Using an online calculator, that amounts to about $350 when I was a kid. Yes we would have to raise that. It seemed like a logical consequence. In the real world you have to pay restitution too. If we did extra chores it would be based on what the chore is worth or minimum wage.

We didn't break many things. We also learned the value of a dollar and hard work. I honestly do not see how that can be considered punitive.


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[SalH]

Ok. In Australia iPhones are just short of $1000 a u d. I don't know what that is in usd.
yes I was replying to your comment. In the real world there isn't much grace, but we all still try to parent with grace now. I do believe that our God is a God of grace yes. But that looks different for kids than adults. My kids get $10 a month pocket money. I don't pay for jobs. So that would take 100 months to buy me a phone if I did this with them here.

I also know that just about anything you can buy costs more in Australia.


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[ViolaMum]

Well, this isn't the latest and greatest iPhone, either. (Just a 4s) I don't think it would be fair to have them buy the newest as a replacement, so we're not talking about anywhere near $1k.

[bananacake]

Originally Posted by ViolaMum

Well, this isn't the latest and greatest iPhone, either. (Just a 4s) I don't think it would be fair to have them buy the newest as a replacement, so we're not talking about anywhere near $1k.

Just a thought: I asked on FB (I know you're so active ) if anyone had an old iPhone and two of our friends sent us 5's. I paid shipping for 1 and $80 for the other.

[MudPies]

I would also have my kids earn money to replace it. I would also spend a good amount of time looking- like removing couch cushions etc, and that would take priority over any fun activity- not as a punishment but as a you guys lost something that you were not supposed to touch. Someone is not telling the truth about where they left it so now we look everywhere. To keep track of money earned toward a new one I would make a spreadsheet. I would either pay by job or pay minimum wage by hour. Teaching my kids to take responsibikity for their own actions is a priority for me.