Dealing with rudeness

[willtravelforfood]

We have been doing pretty well with GD lately, but every once in a while, serious doubts creep in. My husband really wanted to punish our son over the weekend because he was being very disrespectful to me. He feels that ds will turn into a brat who knows that he can say or do whatever he wants without fear of punishment. Of course I want our kids to do the right thing for the right reasons, but it's hard to hear him yell at me and then just gently correct and move on. It feels like I'm doing something wrong!

To top it off, we will be seeing my family soon. Read this thread http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...d.php?t=498983 to see why that's a problem! They will jump all over me the first time our son is rude and I don't punish him for it! I don't feel like I have to answer them, but it will be hard to continue on while they are berating me for my parenting.

I guess I just need any advice you have for working on rudeness and yelling. He will try to boss me around or yell at me when something isn't what he wants. In particular, I have a hard time with situations like this: I offer him something like a pear or mango for fruit. He yells "no I want grapes. Give me grapes!" After telling him we don't have grapes, and offering the pear or mango, he'll refuse again. Then as I start to put them away, he yells, "I want MANGO!" I've been asking him to try again and he'll usually reply by asking nicely, but I feel like I should tell him no because he talked toe like that. Am I doing it right or not??


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kiara.I]

Your son is TWO.
Script him in the correct way to address you, and move on. "You may not yell at mama. You may say *script*"

You could even opt for "I don't respond to yelling or rude words. You may say, *script* in a calm voice."

As to seeing your parents--SAY NO!

If you simply can't bring yourself to do that yet, then you need HARD boundaries and good scripts in place. Any time you need to correct your son, leave the room to do it. They can imagine whatever they want happens in the other room. If they ask for details DO NOT GIVE THEM. Say, "I have dealt with it." Repeat as necessary. You can also try, "I will not discuss this with you." If they harass you, GET UP AND WALK AWAY.

Do not allow them to berate your parenting. YOU control whether they can do that or not. You can't stop them from speaking, but you can *absolutely* remove yourself from the presence of their words.

[willtravelforfood]

He's a little over three now. Definitely knows he's being rude! Not that I expect him to be polite all the time, but he definitely knows better!

My parents are on very thin ice with us. We won't hesitate to leave if needed. I'm nervous about the visit, but I've spent a lot of time in prayer about it so hopefully I'll be prepared for whatever happens!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MrsDuck]

I'm not far ahead of you; my oldest is only 5. But I look at pictures of him when he was just three and I. Can. Not. Believe. How much I expected of him. He was so small. So very, very small. I STILL struggle with this. All of this to try and gently say, you are expecting too much. At three he may be using a demanding voice, but he's not trying to be rude. He's trying to use still pretty new words to describe very big feelings.

In the case of the mango, I would say, "oh you've changed your mind and you do want the mango? A nice way to say that is, mommy may I have the mango, please" and then get it for him. Even if he doesn't repeat you. The big shift I am making ( it's a HARD one) is that it that they don't really know what rude/sassy/whatever is when they are this small. They are just trying things out to see what works. It is my job to TEACH (mostly by example) them that life if full of joy; politeness, working hard, being generous, etc. are all parts of the joy according to His plan.

[willtravelforfood]

You are probably right, mrsduck. I look back at pictures of him when he was 20 months and my family said some of those terrible things. He was so tiny!! I (and for sure they) did expect too much from him. He is a very strong spirited child, so he's never fallen into the "easy" category. He's very smart and I think sometimes I expect his emotional and behavioral responses to be more advanced, too. My family is of the opinion that if a child can understand, there's no excuse for not complying with the rules. I guess it's hard to shake that thinking.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[NovelMama]

Rudeness isn't something a 3yo can necessarily understand. "Nice words" and "mean words" might be more manageable, but rudeness and respect are abstract concepts that children that young just aren't going to grasp.

[WanderingJuniper]

Three can seem so big but he is really still a babe.

Understanding and ability come at different times. And 3 is one of those years where we ended up parenting the same concept over and over and over again until one morning when we weren't looking it clicked! "Mommy, may I please have a mango?"

It might help you to read "Youre Three Year old" from Ames and Ilg. They really helped me.

[arelyn]

Early three is a tough age. Three and a half is much calmer. If there is anyway to postpone visiting your parents until he chills out a little it might be helpful.

Or to camp near their house so you can flee if you need too. (Wow. He's getting tired. We should head back to the tent...No he can't sleep here, we left his blanket/puppy/whatever in the tent so we've got to go.)

[MegMarch]

Mine is 3.5. She knows how to use manners, kindness, etc. I overhear her playing with her dolls and giving them voices. In the real world, with emotions and limited 3 yr old abilities, it doesn't always come out. She's seriously just not capable of using manners at all times. She's learning though

Things like rudeness I have a hard time worrying about it. They aren't able to really empathize yet. They are getting there, but it's a big thing to see from another's perspective and make choices about tone and body language that will make an impact. I don't let her go around being a but I also am not concerned when she is testing out new voices or words.

[Tasmanian Saint]

You know what, you *are* teaching him he can be rude to you without fear of punishment - and that lesson is true . There will be many situations in his life when he will be able to be rude and demanding without fear of punishment - eg, to shopkeepers, bus drivers, and one day, his own children. What you *are* doing, is giving him tools so that when he is old enough to want to treat people with respect, he'll have plenty of scripts and practice to know what that will look like. You are doing great

Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2

[lucie]

Another thing we do at times, aside from scripting, is practicing different voices. Even my 5yo still sometimes doesn't hear herself... The other day I imitated her tone to show her she was hard to understand (I think she was whining), and she just stared at me with disbelief, like surely that's not what she sounded like??? Luckily I had DH there to confirm that yes, that's exactly what she sounded like. so sometimes we just practice saying stuff in different ways--rude voice, polite voice, bossy voice, nice voice, silly voice, whatever else comes to mind.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rugayatu]

Originally Posted by lucie

Another thing we do at times, aside from scripting, is practicing different voices. Even my 5yo still sometimes doesn't hear herself... The other day I imitated her tone to show her she was hard to understand (I think she was whining), and she just stared at me with disbelief, like surely that's not what she sounded like??? Luckily I had DH there to confirm that yes, that's exactly what she sounded like. so sometimes we just practice saying stuff in different ways--rude voice, polite voice, bossy voice, nice voice, silly voice, whatever else comes to mind.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My DD (4) LOVES this "game." We come up with all sorts of different voices. Then, when we are in a "moment" I can often stop and ask her, "What kind of voice was that?" She will tell me, "rude voice" or "angry voice" or whatever and then I give her a chance to say what kind of voice she should use and try it again in that voice. She usually does pretty well, but oftentimes still does need to be scripted, too.

No way could she have handled all that at 2, but starting to identify the different voices for sure.

[marbles]

Oh yes, what everyone is saying. My daughter is 4 now, and things are suddenly clicking. It's wonderful! Except I look back at how I treated her a year and two years ago and I am so ashamed. I expected so much that she just couldn't give. I promise, you are expecting too much. I have never met a parent who didn't expect too much from their first. Anytime I call my sister for advice, she starts out by telling me I am expecting too much IME, at three rudeness sounds like "I will NEVER talk to you again!" or making up a really silly name like poopyhead, not forgetting to use manners. By not giving him things when he screams for them, you are teaching him that he won't get anything by throwing a fit and bossing you around. Bossing only works if you do what he demands, if you don't do what he demands then he's just trying. He will figure it out, he will grow up and understand. Hold to your rules in a firm but gentle way, he will learn that what you say is what goes but that you are still a safe person whom he doesn't have to fear. Because that's what you want, not blind fear-based obedience.

[danou]

We've been working on voice and words over here. When little fella is getting worked up I will try: "it sounds like we need a breather... let's fill out lungs like balloons and let all the air out." after a couple of times: "So let's try having a kind relaxed voice this time."