4 yr old is not listening/complying.

[kindundmama]

So recently, my four year old has started saying NO to my requests/commands or just ignoring them. How do I get her to listen without threatening, yelling, spanking or doing time out? I am physically holding her hand and making her comply but there are times that is also not working because she's about to have a tantrum or is having one.
Example: I asked her to come into the house in 5 min. She was playing in the sandbox. I asked her when I went outside to get her. I offered her my hand. Ignored. I picked her bodily and carried her in and we ended up with an epic tantrum.
DH asked DD to come in for dinner. She was outside (seems like a theme here). Ignored him and continued doing what she was doing. I called for her. Same thing. DH went and got her and we got another tantrum.
I even tried the Positive Discipline method where you give them a choice for most things and I asked her if she wants to come in now or in 10 min. Nada.

[mamamonkey]

When we are going to be in a situation that I anticipate DS will have trouble transitioning (like outside seems to be for you), I prep him ahead of time before we go. For instance, if we are going to Chick Fil A and we can only stay x amount of time. On the way there, I will tell him that we are going to eat/play and that we can only stay x time and that when it is time to leave, I will tell him and I expect no fuss. When we get there, I repeat all of the above with the expectation. About 5-10 mins before it is time to leave, then I repeat again. This seems to work pretty well for us for difficult transitions.

[kindundmama]

Yes, this worked for us too and I still try to use it but am still getting tantrums. This behavior started earlier this week.

[SouthPaw]

It sounds like she is trying something new, at this point I would just be consistent and firm with your boundary and give her a chance to figure out that bad behavior won't change it. If it is getting worse or you are getting a tantrum every time still in a couple of weeks, maybe look more big picture and make sure you are setting her up for success by bringing her in before she is hungry or tired, etc. Finally, it usually helps to have something positive set up at transition points. "Come inside and eat dinner now" vs. "Hey Small Child, the chicken is all ready and it's time to wash hands, do you want to use the sink bubbles??" will meet with different responses. Don't exhaust yourself trying to think of a bribe for good behavior per se, just think about ways you can help arrange her life so it's actually fun and positive to listen to mommy.

[Kiara.I]

Originally Posted by kindundmama

Yes, this worked for us too and I still try to use it but am still getting tantrums. This behavior started earlier this week.

Yes.
The thing is, it doesn't matter how perfectly you parent, your child will still have meltdowns sometimes. Meltdowns don't mean that you're doing it wrong, or that there's a problem, or that your discipline isn't "working." It just means the child is overwhelmed and melting down. It can be developmental, environmental...all kinds of things.

As to how to get her to listen...well, sometimes they just won't. Again, doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, etc. It just is what it is.

[rebecuna]

My 4yo is trying out the "no" power word, too. He will defiantly say "NO" in response to something I ask, and then sort of look at me sideways with a little grin, to see how I react. So far I've been responding firmly, "You may not say "no" to Mommy. I asked you to come inside," and then physically help him transition to inside--there's no more asking or waiting for him to comply at that point. He typically only progresses to tantrums when it's around bedtime, which I think speaks more to tiredness than anything else. I have been at my wits end trying to help him transition to sleep well.

Some kids have a much harder time with transitions than others in general, and you'll need to figure out what works for yours. Giving warnings to prep them that a transition is coming is good (like others have suggested), and I also try to leave lots of time so transition can involve fun and playfulness rather than stress and hurry-- this is especially important for my older one, who gets really agitated and anxious about, say, missing the bus if he's running late. Leaving him plenty of time makes our mornings go much more smoothly. And for the times when we just have to hurry, I try to say to him, "Listen, I know you don't like to rush, and I'm sorry this is happening, but we really need to do XYZ right now. Next time we'll try to leave more time." and that seems to help a little.

[marigold]

[L-Boogie]

I would script a polite response, see if there is a way to make complying fun/inviting, validate feelings, throw child over shoulder and endure meltdown if necessary. Then if there is a certain thing that is triggering this behavior, try to set her up for success by reminding her of expectations ahead of time. I might also rearrange the routine or remove an activity if you can pinpoint certain things that aren't working. Move outside time to after dinner or earlier in the day for example. I also remind my 4yo if she seems more defiant than meltdown-y - "what mama says is what happens, being rude doesn't change it."