Power struggle snags with 3yo

[temsmama]

First post on GD forum

My dd (3yo) has responded pretty well since I've started using GD in earnest the last several months. She's a very busy, persistent child but also really wants to please. There's a few issues where I'm not sure how to respond to dd.

On giving choices - she often says she doesn't want to do either option. For instance, we take turns brushing her teeth since she obviously can't brush her teeth well yet - this is what often happens:
Me: "You can brush teeth first or mommy can brush your teeth first. You choose."
DD: "You don't brush my teeth and I don't brush my teeth. Not anything!"
What script can I use to explain that not brushing teeth (for example) isn't an option?

On GOYB parenting and helping - dd often says she wants to do it herself as a way to not do what I ask.
For example - After giving dd her pajamas and telling her to put them on she says "ok" and then often gets wrapped up in play again. When I then go to help her put them on she tells me, "I want to do it myself." Then I give her a chance to do it herself but she does nothing and just stares at me. Then I go to help her and she gets upset, again saying she wants to do it herself. I give her another chance. This happens several times until I realize she's not going to do it herself - then I help her put pajamas on with her physically fighting me the entire way. I want to let her do it herself, but feel like I'm being permissive when I give her so many chances. It's become a power struggle. Maybe part of the issue is me not wanting to deal with her getting upset. Happy (but not too happy) was the only acceptable emotion in my house growing up - so it's been a little tough for me to help her deal with anger.

[Kiara.I]

Originally Posted by temsmama

On giving choices - she often says she doesn't want to do either option. For instance, we take turns brushing her teeth since she obviously can't brush her teeth well yet - this is what often happens:
Me: "You can brush teeth first or mommy can brush your teeth first. You choose."
DD: "You don't brush my teeth and I don't brush my teeth. Not anything!"
What script can I use to explain that not brushing teeth (for example) isn't an option?

"You have to pick one. If you don't, mommy will choose."

Originally Posted by temsmama

On GOYB parenting and helping - dd often says she wants to do it herself as a way to not do what I ask.
For example - After giving dd her pajamas and telling her to put them on she says "ok" and then often gets wrapped up in play again. When I then go to help her put them on she tells me, "I want to do it myself." ....I want to let her do it herself, but feel like I'm being permissive when I give her so many chances. It's become a power struggle.

After the first attempt, I would opt for "You are showing me by your actions that your choice is for me to help you. Stick your arms through..."

At this point, stick with *one* attempt of her doing it herself. Basically, tighten up your action point.

You could also start to use "when/then". Instead of making everything be "you do it/I help you" it could be "When you've gotten dressed, then we can go to the park." I'm just not sure how to (or whether to!) explain that the park will get missed if she decides to take 4 hours to dress.

Originally Posted by temsmama

Maybe part of the issue is me not wanting to deal with her getting upset. Happy (but not too happy) was the only acceptable emotion in my house growing up - so it's been a little tough for me to help her deal with anger.

How are you at dealing with your own emotions now? Many of us, when we grew up in homes that didn't allow emotions, need to learn it as adults. You might find the book "Dealing with Disappointment" helpful--and the same author has some kids books, too. Also, there's an amazing thread on re-parenting yourself that might be helpful. Maybe somebody can find and link it for you?

[Beth1231]

Teeth brushing: What Kiara said "You choose or mommy will choose." I also say "that is not an option" to my older two. When my 3 yr old son begins to resist brushing teeth and and doesn't choose who goes first,I scoop him into my lap,sit on his bed and cheerfully tell him "we don't want the sugar bugs to put holes in your teeth! Noooo sugar bugs!" All said in a playful tone while I brush. And then I comment "Top. Bottom,Stick out your tongue so I can brush it!" again all said playfully but not in a questioning way. You are in charge you are the mommy and teeth brushing will happen. We can be silly and make it a game,but it's going to happen. Once C understands this idea,resistance is more like reluctance.
With my daughter at this age,I had to do all of the above plus cheerfully remind her of the next thing: "First we brush our teeth and Then we pick out twoooo books." Etc. Fun memories now.
On getting dressed: Playful,silly parenting while maintaining "this is going to happen,end of story" attitude. "Oh,does daddy wear this shirt? Does mommy wear this shirt? Do I put it on my feet?" Etc Unless you aren't going out. Then it's nice to have an occasional "today,you get to be in pjs till you're ready" day. Three year olds love a bit of control over their own life. Don't we all?

[mamacat]

At age 3 would stop giving choices about the have to kinds of things and say it is time for you to brush her teeth now and after she can choose the 2 books.or it is time for her to get dressed to go outside and give her a choice of 2 outfits and you dress her and go. At age 4 - 5 can start reintroducing things like her dressing herself

[Beth1231]

Sometimes rephrasing things in your mind helps too.
Instead of "power struggle", "I am the mommy. I have the responsibility to make sure she has clean teeth/clothes." Teeth brushing will happen and the challenge becomes the balance of being playful and finding that one fun game or phrase that she connects to and allows the two of you to connect while the task gets done
You are on the same side and she just doesn't know it yet

[temsmama]

So bedtime has been going wonderfully after just a few days of removing choices for the "have to's." She gets a 5 minute notice of bedtime and then I take her by the hand to her bedroom and we play robot with her body to get the PJ's on. I move her limbs and makes funny noises while putting PJ's on. She loves it.

Originally Posted by Kiara.I

You could also start to use "when/then". Instead of making everything be "you do it/I help you" it could be "When you've gotten dressed, then we can go to the park." I'm just not sure how to (or whether to!) explain that the park will get missed if she decides to take 4 hours to dress.

I know this could very well turn into hours because it has happened. She's just not ready at 3 (like most of you said) to just follow my instructions and do it herself. Since I've been helping her do things as I ask them, life has been much more peaceful. She's even been much more verbal about asking for help instead of getting frustrated!!!

Originally Posted by Beth1231

Teeth brushing will happen and the challenge becomes the balance of being playful and finding that one fun game or phrase that she connects to and allows the two of you to connect while the task gets done
You are on the same side and she just doesn't know it yet

I love the way you put that Beth. Many of the things I dreaded doing when I was still parenting punitively (bedtime for instance) I now enjoy with my daughter.
We'd been successfully brushing teeth together for months. We'd pick out a song and have fun hearing how "ah's" and "oh's" sounded to the tune of (usually) "Let it go" from Frozen. Suddenly she wanted nothing to do with brushing teeth. WELL, turns out it was the early stages of Hand Foot and Mouth Disease and the poor girl had some sores in her mouth. I guess she just couldn't or wouldn't verbalize why she didn't want to brush her teeth. I felt awful but she was very receptive to my apology and enjoyed an extra snuggle with mama.

I am still trying to figure how to deal with her persistence when not getting her way. It's probably my fault for being permissive in some ways before, so she just keeps asking because I've given in before. When she keeps demanding something over and over and over, can I tell her, "I know you're so disappointed. It's so hard when you can't get what you want. It's okay to be sad, but we're not going to talk about X anymore." ?

[Beth1231]

Sounds like you are having more fun and enjoying your daughter more lately

When it comes to things that my three year olds asks for with persistence,I ask myself what he needs. Cries for "eat" "milk" are pretty obvious. But persistent asking for tv can be hinged on a need for attention and exercise. Or it might be that I gave in too many times this week and he's following the expected routine.
Changing the routine means replacing it with something else and again,playful parenting will get you far with this age. "I see you want to watch tv. The tv is off right now. Mommy is going to race to the laundry room,do you want to come too? Oh,you're going to be my helper today?
They want to help,they want to be big and I often use that knowledge to distract C from little boy mischief or tv.

[amydawn]

Originally Posted by mamacat

At age 3 would stop giving choices about the have to kinds of things and say it is time for you to brush her teeth now and after she can choose the 2 books.or it is time for her to get dressed to go outside and give her a choice of 2 outfits and you dress her and go. At age 4 - 5 can start reintroducing things like her dressing herself

This. IME, too many choices are hard for 3s (I'm on my second 3 right now). I say, "here, I'll do your teeth (while brushing his teeth). You think about what bedtime story you're going to pick out". Or "hey, let's get your shoes on so we can go to the park!", while putting his shoes on. My parenting 3s mantra is "less words, more action" followed by "let's go to the park!" LOL. The park is pretty much a cure all in my house.

[rjy9343]

We ended tooth brushing struggles with a couple of things. The first one is that I brush her teeth and then she goes back and gets what I missed. I don't miss anything, but there is no reason for her to know that.
The other way is that she got an electric tooth brush and she brushes her teeth with me. Sometimes she races me. If she wants to race, I am fine with losing since it means she brushes longer.

[Codi]

Yay!!! I love your update!!!

On the persistence.....oh mama, can I relate.

The book "Raising Your Spirited Child" touches sooooo well in depth on how to handle these traits our children have, like persistence, and how to reframe them into a positive. Because her persistence will take her far in life. It's HARD to handle as a parent but we don't want to squelch it. I'll see if I can grab my copy and share a few highlights.

---------- Post added at 08:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:47 PM ----------

Haha! I *knew* I had started a thread on persistence once before! Hope it helps!

Parenting the Persistent Child