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Old 08-28-2020, 05:39 PM   #76
knitlove
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I don't feel like I am underparenting or even doing extra things to ovoid her out burst - maybe I am some now that dh is home all the time.

I do go back and give her chances and talk to her when she is catastrophisong things. - like she is running 5 min behind so why even start to get to the thing she has been asking to do. Dh think I should just write that off.

I am still making thing happen. School is is getting done the minimal things are happening.

Early bird freaks out screams stomps out slamming every door she can wiggle worm runs and hids in reaction. I comfort wiggle worm get where she is ok frequently hand her the purple noise canseling headphones and then I go and get early bird back on task.

The main things I do to try to avoid ourst is to do my best to have the things she is going to obessover or get hung up on atthe end of the day so that if she does have a huge explosion wiggle worm isn't in the room trying to get anything done.

Where is the line of trying to work years a plan b and making a plan together and jist holding the line and telling her that what she thnks or feels doesn't matter x still has to happen.

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Old 08-28-2020, 05:42 PM   #77
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

There is a shorter audio of Barbara Coloroso that was helpful for my Dh. I will see if I can find a link.

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---------- Post added at 08:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:40 PM ----------

https://shop.kidsareworthit.com/Winn...P-DOWNLOAD.htm


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Old 08-28-2020, 07:09 PM   #78
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I don't recommend Facebook pages or groups at all for this kind of situation. They can be great for getting recipes, I guess.

My thought is that sou need a book, website, or video that will help you and your dh write out a plan that you can both agree to and that you will follow every.single.time.
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Old 08-29-2020, 06:04 AM   #79
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soliloquy View Post
I don't recommend Facebook pages or groups at all for this kind of situation. They can be great for getting recipes, I guess.

My thought is that sou need a book, website, or video that will help you and your dh write out a plan that you can both agree to and that you will follow every.single.time.
I also avoid fb parenting groups. But I TBI k the important part of what Soliloquy wrote is EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It is exhausting, yes.

There is nothing wrong or graceless about saying “If you scream at me I will walk away. I love you and will come back when I can see you are ready to be respectful.” If her room is the place for her to rant and rave fine. I would keep all kindles and books in my possession until the day is done. That eliminates that. And then when you hear she has calmed “I heard it get quiet. Are you ready to move forward?” I wouldn’t even praise or try to talk it out at that time. It is likely to trigger more outburst. If she is creating a negative truth for herself in the moment no need to point it out. A “I understand you are feeling that way.” And then let it be.

You mentioned she gets all fatalistic if she is five minutes behind or something like that. What is going on that she is aware of the time? If you are at home I would run by pattern and routine not time if it’s a trigger.

Personal boundaries are really important as children progress into adolescence and adulthood. It shows them you are a person Independent outside of Just mom who can be thrown all the ugly and hard because she is mom. We can still help them through the hard stuff while expecting to be treated decently.

A note about counseling it can take a while for some kids to talk whether in person or by tele health. It took almost 6 months before my middle child actually started to talk to her counselor. The counselor was helping but my child seriously would give one word answers and we also discovered some of the lack of talking was a struggle with self reflection. Said child deals with anxiety, depression and just skirts the clinical standard for official ADHD.

Parenting explosive anxious children is exhausting. But their anxiety demands that they know where the edges of things are.
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Old 08-29-2020, 06:52 AM   #80
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Even if I take all the books out of her room I think she will be likely to go there and randomly squeek for hours.


I really do get that I need to set a boundry of how she treats me but is there a way to do it and still get her though 6th grade or so I just give up and plan on doing this work over two or three years if she chooses to spend all day in her room doing nothing because she is mad at me?

The few times so have done that of jsut sent her off when she comes back if I do anything aproching the picking up where we were she is right back at it freaking out.

Honistly I think that is why I haven't been sending her off because I feel like it just delays sthe fight that she is going to out up to get what ever it is done. And I ( in my just suck it up and get it done) would rather just deal with her screaming at me in home go for an hour or so and then actually be get things done than have it spread out over the whole day where I can not ever move on to the next thing I want to do because everytime she comes out I have to pick up school work with her.


The more I write this out the more the more that I need to just let her not get 6th grade done and have to do it over several years. Which will be its own huge fight with her because she won't be moving on to anything new at the end of the year.

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Old 08-29-2020, 07:05 AM   #81
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Quote:
Originally Posted by knitlove View Post
Even if I take all the books out of her room I think she will be likely to go there and randomly squeek for hours.


I really do get that I need to set a boundry of how she treats me but is there a way to do it and still get her though 6th grade or so I just give up and plan on doing this work over two or three years if she chooses to spend all day in her room doing nothing because she is mad at me?

The few times so have done that of jsut sent her off when she comes back if I do anything aproching the picking up where we were she is right back at it freaking out.

Honistly I think that is why I haven't been sending her off because I feel like it just delays sthe fight that she is going to out up to get what ever it is done. And I ( in my just suck it up and get it done) would rather just deal with her screaming at me in home go for an hour or so and then actually be get things done than have it spread out over the whole day where I can not ever move on to the next thing I want to do because everytime she comes out I have to pick up school work with her.


The more I write this out the more the more that I need to just let her not get 6th grade done and have to do it over several years. Which will be its own huge fight with her because she won't be moving on to anything new at the end of the year.

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Her learning to manage emotions and tasks that are hard and is a huge part of her education.



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Old 08-29-2020, 09:51 AM   #82
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I mean if she doesn't do any work this year at all. She will still need to do these next steps in math and thing.

If I send her out when she scremas unless I manage to keep all reading material locked away and not give it to her untill something gets done. And even then I am not certain.

Two weeks ago I watched her sit in her bed with no books ( she red and re red the warning on her bunk bed) for hours rather than do the little but of school that she had runn off in a huff about previously.

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Old 08-29-2020, 09:59 AM   #83
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

As an example, we are heading to a PHP program for two months. It's 6 hours a day. Forty-five minutes of that day is spent on academics.

The therapy aspect is far more important. Many brilliant people self-destruct because they never learned how to regulate.

What I've chosen to do over the last two years (just as an example, not that it's the ideal or anything) is to focus academics on math and pretty much only math. My first reason is that he enjoys learning science and history through various videos (not necessarily documentaries and definitely not what would line up with state standards--he can talk and talk about quantum mechanics and the Russian Revolution, neither of which are found on any state standards). The second reason is that you can pick up a history book at any age and be "caught up." If someone never studied history until they were say, 18, they could buy a high school or college textbook for $10, read it, and probably be caught up with the average high school graduate. Science is a little trickier than that to get caught up but not if the person is aiming for general knowledge. My third reason is that I have "buy in" for math. He sees it as useful and interesting. So, if we get through a halfway decent amount of math in a week, and no other "school," we're doing GREAT. I don't push for more and I do not believe he is neglected, educationally.

I asked myself, what good is "an education" if my child cannot function? What good is the ability to get a job if he cannot keep it?

And don't discount ALL that reading that she does! It sounds like she will read anything she can get her hands on. Will she read non-fiction? Period pieces? I feel like I learned more history by reading novels written in other time periods than I did in history classes.
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Old 08-29-2020, 10:03 AM   #84
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soliloquy View Post

I asked myself, what good is "an education" if my child cannot function? What good is the ability to get a job if he cannot keep it?



And don't discount ALL that reading that she does! It sounds like she will read anything she can get her hands on. Will she read non-fiction? Period pieces? I feel like I learned more history by reading novels written in other time periods than I did in history classes.
Ya, and in Washington I will be allowed to do this, it would have been much harder in Vermont where I had to show a years progress.


I think part of this is that on some level I don't see this as something she is willing to learn or work on.

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Old 08-29-2020, 11:09 AM   #85
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

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Ya, and in Washington I will be allowed to do this, it would have been much harder in Vermont where I had to show a years progress.


I think part of this is that on some level I don't see this as something she is willing to learn or work on.
I completely understand. You will need professional help. I know you can't get that right now, due to unemployment and covid. But, if it were me, I'd start calling places. You live in an area with a lot of resources.

---------- Post added at 11:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:05 AM ----------

The types of things I would bring up in a phone call or a search:

school refusal
anxiety that significantly impacts quality of life for her and the family
repetitive behaviors as coping mechanisms (reading warning label on her bed for hours)
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Old 09-07-2020, 10:35 PM   #86
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Last week went really well. We got everything done by lunch every day. We did it again today, and she had slightly more work today.

I don't know what changed.

And I know we still need help.

But right now I am going to take this as a good thing and be very very thankful for it.

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Old 09-08-2020, 03:50 PM   #87
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I definitely celebrate each good day, each good moment.
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