Teaching children to speak to adults respectfully

[arelyn]

I always figured with good modeling and having them parrot the right way to say it going on my kids would pick up on how to politely talk to people. Now that the oldest is nearly 8 I'm starting to think I need to be more intentional. Some things we've been correcting for years and he is not getting it.

Things we need to work on:

-adults do not get called by their first names
-if you disagree with someone or something you don't scream at them
-it's impolite to point out mispronunciations when others are speaking
-if Mama says not right now asking over and over and over and over in hopes I'll accidentally change my answer (which sometimes works) is not ok.

And theirs more but battery is on 7%.

Does anyone have some ideas?

[MegMarch]

I'm not sure. I grew up in Montana and the first names thing wasn't an issue, no one cared Now, I am in the South and it's weird to me. I guess I should focus on this one since we live here.

The next two, those are people things and not adult things. I'd focus on the value of being right and sharing that info and the value of hearing others, and how to deal with disagreements respectfully.

The last... can you come up with some phrasing that you find non-offensive for your kids to ask for negotiations? My daughter is four, so I don't know how to parent olders, but I have her ask "can we find a plan?" since those words she can handle and we can usually come to some sort of compromise like only after X, or a similar idea that we can agree on.

[Sparrow]

Not sure on the first name thing as it isn't an issue here either.


If they ask and they answer is no I say "not now, possibly xyz" and if they ask again I say "that has been asked and answered and the answer is the same" I will then give them something constructive to do.

[Mother of Sons]

First thing is that 8 is not grown. Just because he doesn't have it down now doesn't mean he won't.

I insisted on the no first names thing because that's how I was raised but switched it to "ask what they would prefer to be called" when I corrected my son and got corrected by the adult because he wanted to be called by his first name. Regardless try talking to him about how it is respectful to use titles when speaking to adults. You could talk about how he would feel if you called him by his middle name or another name instead of the name he prefers. I usually just interjected with the correct title which annoyed them so they started getting it right. I did the same with "yes please" and "no thank you". It was effective (but it's also how I got scolded by the adult)

When he is pestering you and asking over and over I find its best to stop whatever I'm doing, get down on their level and say "I hear that you really want x right now. You are not happy that I have said no. That answer is final. Do you need to talk to me about something else?" Also try to make sure you say yes more than no. Like "yes, when we are done with lunch" instead of "no, not right now". Does that make sense?

[ValiantJoy07]

Answering in "yes." phrases is key with my 3and 5 yo they both have very persistent (relentlessly so) personalities.

Pulling them into my lap and holding them fully and putting my face against their heads in some way (in a snuggly nuzzle way, they are both very physical) and repeating their request back to them along with my answer and a choice of what can happen in that moment (you can go ______ while you wait or you can snuggle with me quietly)

The first name thing we personally add a "miss/mister first name" unless the person insists they don't like that. I don't find it disrespectful when they use the first name, but I do prefer they are polite as possible. A simple reminder/correction of the appropriate way is all it takes usually.

[MariJo7]

It may come over as impolite to point out mispronunciations when others are speaking, but where does it come from? Would an 8yo naturally care about mispronunciations? I guess your child may have learned it somewhere. At school, perhaps? Does she/he have a teacher who does it? Or someone else?

We have a proverb here in our country that goes somehow like this: "As you shout into the forest, so the forest will answer". It literally refers to the echo phenomenon but metaphorically, it refers to the very thing you are trying to figure out: how to learn your kids to speak nicely. I believe you have done a very good job with modelling and you probably are very polite and nice to your children. . Those things that you consider impolite most probably do not come from you. But your oldest is now 8yo and I guess she/he has been on contact with other influential grown ups as well. Might some of the things that you consider inpolite be an "echo" of the way in which other grown ups talk to your child?

I don't mean to accuse those other grown ups, but it may be good to find out where your child has learned i.e. to correct mispronunciation. If it comes from his/her school, you could gently explain it is a special job of the teacher to say such things.

[Beth1231]

My daughter is nearly 8 and the disrespectful tone is really ramping up.
Something I'm trying lately is repeating her rude phrasing and then rephrasing it politely. Then I ask her "Can you hear the difference in tone? One is kind and polite,the other is rude/disrespectful." I don't make a lot of distinction between respect for age groups. I'm trying to teach her to speak respectfully to everyone she encounters.
The hardest part for me is modeling it when I feel disrespected. I want to be gruff and overly firm and that does nothing for the lesson

For pointing out mistakes (something I'm also dealing with),I'm teaching her "how to win friends and influence people". Everyone wants to be important. Pointing out mistakes makes people feel stupid. Ask questions if you really are not sure what someone means instead of correcting them. (I give two examples of this). People feel important and valuable when you make eye contact,smile and speak politely. People ARE valuable and important. Etc.
I suspect after hearing these things for years and years,parts of it is getting through.
But she is nearly eight and developmentally interested in testing the boundaries of polite speech.

[mom23sons]

Speak in the tone your child used and ask ? is this what you intended? and ask them to repeat it in a different way that sounds respectful. I think sometimes that kids don't hear how they come across. I know with my boys, I would say "this is what I heard " and they would almost immediately say "I didn't mean it that way" and they would rephrase it in a better tone, respectful way.
With addressing adults, I would introduce the adult in what I wanted them to call that adult "This is Mr X or Mrs M. " When I spoke about that person, I would call them by Mr x or Mrs m. If that makes sense.
Now that my sons are older, adults they have called by Mr or Mrs their whole lives are now telling the boys to call them by their first names.

[CelticJourney]

Just noting that the OP made a list that is important to her and how she could start to work on them. They may or may not be important to each of us depending on our culture and region, but they are to her.

I think one problem with the correcting is that we do it naturally as parents and so they repeat it. At eight he is old enough to talk to him about not embarrassing other people by asking as a 'parent' to them.

The repeatedly asking .... it's hard but one response is 'you asked that and I answered. It's done' and see if that helps.

[MegMarch]

Originally Posted by CelticJourney

Just noting that the OP made a list that is important to her and how she could start to work on them. They may or may not be important to each of us depending on our culture and region, but they are to her.

I didn't mean to imply that something should not be important to others. I posted as I did to let OP know I'd seen her list and explain why I didn't have much to say about it and to kind of process for myself as well. OP, I am sorry if my post came across as poo-pooing your list.

[rjy9343]

First and last names are hard. Growing up, kids didn't call grown ups by first names end of story. If the adult were a family friend, Mr. or Miss First name was acceptable if they asked for it. Now that has changed so much you are as likely to corrected as not if you say Mr. or Mrs. Last name.
I err on the side of caution and teach Mr. and Mrs. Last name, if they correct me, fine. No one feels insulted or disrespected. And that is what I tell my almost five year old. It is better to be too formal and asked to be more personal than it is to be too personal and asked to dial it back a bit.
Rude tones get a very flowery rephrasing that includes an apology. It works when she is just seeing if it still not okay to be rude. If she is angry, then I got nothing. With my nine year old nephew, I mirror what he said and did. I also tell him what his tone, body language and words conveyed. Such as you are such a stupid moron and that I have to put up with you is beyond the limits of all that is humane!!! Do you think that your pea size brain can handle this very simple thing or am I over taxing your mental capacity??? I say it in the nastiest tone possible. He usually realizes what he is doing when I start that and tries again.
The correction is annoying, but I don't have any ideas. It might be because I have an autistic child who cannot take things being wrong and a nephew who is truthful to a fault and believes that any mistakes are lies. And that just can't stand.

[arelyn]

ARGH! I had a multi paragraph answer that I was about to send and the cat jumped up and refreshed the phrase. Let's try again.

The name thing is not a big deal to me but it is a huge thing in the culture we live in. It is absolutely inappropriate for a child to call a married adult by a first name. We've been doing this:

DS!: Name!
Me: You mean aunty.
DS: Oh yeah, aunty!

But he's not getting it. We've been doing it over and over for two years every time I hear him say a grown-up's name and he still needs to be corrected every time he goes to speak to certain aunties and uncles (but not others!). I think the one's he views as his own friends (he's always been the sort of kid to make friends with adults) are harder to call by title instead of name.

His obsession with correcting pronunciation goes way back to toddlerhood and I'm pretty sure it's his own thing, not something he picked up outside. He just loves to be right and to show you he is right and he wants you to be right too. Maybe this is a side effect of being gifted intellectually but immature emotionally. Regardless though it is coming off as very rude and I have explained it to him that correcting people makes them feel embarrassed and makes them not want to try at all but he doesn't seem to be getting it.

I'm hesitant to say things back to him in his tone just because his tone is usually very loud and the way our house is built I can hear our landlady just talking in her kitchen. I really don't want her to hear me screaming things at my kids not to mention my four year old LOVES to mimic. I can just imagine.

I will try answering in a positive way. I used to be really good about that but you've made me realize that somewhere I slipped into answering with a negative when I really mean a delayed positive.

And some more issues:

-announcing that you don't like the food before it even get's to the table (especially when we're visiting people). The expectation is you take one bite of each thing to try it and if you don't like it or it's too spicy, you don't have to eat it. But he really has to stop announcing "I don't like xyz." in a loud voice nearly every time he finds out what is about to be served.

-interrupting. He knows to put his hand on my arm and wait...he's just not good at actually waiting. He's much more likely to put his hand on my arm and start talking.

And what are reasonable expectations for an 8 year old regarding manners? I was expected to be pretty perfectly behaved by 8 and so are the kids here. I need to figure out what is reasonable to expect of him so I can focus on those things and not waste too much energy on things that will come in time.

I hope these woods echo back soon.

[Mother of Sons]

My kids used to comment rudely about food too. One day everyone came to the table with a chorus of "yucks" and "I don't likes" and I was out of patience. I silently took all the food off the table and put it away. Then I told them that would happen every time. I told them it's fine to have preferences but it's not ok to be rude, especially to the person who cooked the food. then told them acceptable ways to express their preferences.

[RoseOfGrace]

I have been working on a lot of the same issues with my oldest, who is also 8. Some of the parenting books commonly recommended on these forums were very helpful. Another one that I read recently, called Different Children, Different Needs, was particularly helpful in helping me understand how to tailor my parenting to the different personalities of my kids (and how my own personality plays a factor in how I parent each child). Every parent and every child is different, so what works for me may or may not work for you. But, since I find examples helpful, I'll share what is working for us, so far.

Adult names: I always refer to an adult and address an adult in front of my children the way I want the children to refer to/address that adult. So, for family members it is "Aunt so-and-so" "Grandma" "Uncle so-and-so" etc. For close family friends it is "Miss FirstName". For everyone else, I refer to the adults as Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so. So, my children rarely even know the first name of most of the adults in their acquaintance, other than family and close friends. If they slip, I simply say, "Remember, we say Mrs. Anderson when addressing Mrs. Anderson." I'm not harsh about it, just a quick reminder and a smile. Consistency has been key.

Disagreements: My oldest is very opinionated and disagreements are common. Tactics for this issue vary, depending on the situation. A firm look of disapproval, a sterner tone of my voice (not a raised voice, but stronger, no-nonsense voice that commands attention), and a verbal reprimand that 1) he is not allowed to talk to his mother that way, and 2) we will not be discussing anything (if it is a negotiable issue) while he uses that tone or language with me. If he doesn't like something or disagrees with something, then he gets to ask about it in a respectful way. He has gotten into the habit now of saying, "Mommy, may I ask a question?" And, if I'm ready for it, then I'll nod or say yes and he'll bring up his negotiations. Or, if I need a second, I'll let him know that I'd be happy to answer his question in x minutes (and then follow through). Sometimes, when he gets worked up, I simply say, "STOP", make eye contact, and hold my hand up so he has the visual as well. Once I have his attention, we discuss what just happened, I identify what he might be feeling, we discuss it, I set the boundary (if appropriate), we deal with it and move on. For example, yesterday he was crying and mad because he wanted to watch another movie, but his dad had said movie time was over. First, I hugged on him and told him to calm down so we could talk about it. I just loved on him and waited until he started to calm down. Then I asked him some questions: what is our job as parents (to take care of our kiddos), why does God put parents in authority over their children (because the parents know what the children need and can help them learn and enforce proper boundaries to keep them healthy and safe), would Mommy and Daddy be showing love for you if they let you watch too much tv, etc. He insists he's "not little" when I remind him that he is still a little kid (after all, he's all of 8 now and feels so grown up), but I reminded him that while he is still young, it is our job to monitor what he needs and provide the boundaries he needs to be healthy. While he still didn't like the decision, he is learning that we love him and want what is best for him, even when he doesn't agree or understand our choices and boundaries. As he gets older, he will have more and more freedom to make choices, so this early training is important.

So, think about what your child needs and how you can communicate with him to establish your parental authority while validating his feelings. My goal is to help my son learn to identify his needs (i.e., tired, hungry, frustrated, etc.) and how to set boundaries for himself as he gets older so he will be a responsible adult. I consider these early years as simply training for his adult years.

Pointing out mistakes: Ah, this is one we have dealt with too! Glad to hear I'm not the only one. What has been working for us is to 1) acknowledge that yes, he is correct, but 2) it is rude to interrupt someone and correct them in front of others. I talk out some scenarios with him. Sometimes, he needs to feel the brunt of what he is doing to others, so I will either make up a situation or recall a situation where he was wrong and then use his same tone (or maybe exaggerate a little to get the point across) so that he feels what it is like to be talked to that way. This usually gets his attention and he realizes that it doesn't feel very nice to be interrupted and talked to that way. Even if he doesn't end up understanding from an empathy perspective, I do have to explain sometimes that when we behave rudely to others, it affects whether people want to be friends with us. This he understands a little more sometimes and is willing to be more patient and understanding for the sake of friendship. Ultimately, the truth that I'm trying to get across to him is that we treat others with love and respect, even if they are wrong, because this is how God treats us and it is also how we want others to treat us. Try praying about how to reach your son's heart in this and God will start to give you the right words and ideas.

Repeated asking: In our home, some things are "negotiable" and some things are not. When something is not negotiable (i.e., I've told him to do something and I expect him to do it, period.) and he tries to negotiate, I put my hand up to signal "stop" and gently, but firmly say, "This is not negotiable." This may bear repeating several times. I do not argue with him, but simply make it clear that this is not a negotiable item. Period. For negotiable items, he is allowed to ask questions and make his preference known, then I have to make a decision on if his alteration is reasonable and/or appropriate at that time. Then, we go from there. Being consistent, but open, is what works for us. Sometimes, I give him a list of options. For example, "You can do A or you can do B. Which do you prefer?" This gives him the opportunity to make decisions for himself and feel some measure of control. This works well for us, too, especially since he has a very strong personality.

Food preferences: My 8 yr old tends to be a picky eater. He has a couple fav foods and really isn't interested in eating anything else. We've had a LOT of issues in the last couple of years with him throwing fits about what is for a meal because he says he doesn't like it, doesn't want it, it isn't what he wanted for that meal, etc. This is a major pet peeve of mine for various reasons. So, we have been trying to cultivate a spirit of thankfulness to be thankful for the food God provides and for adventurousness, so that he is interested in trying new things. We do this in many ways, like watching cooking shows, food shows, and travel shows that expose him to a variety of interesting food choices from around the world. We discuss the fact that there are some kids in the world who don't have enough food to eat (not to be guilt-inducing, but simply as a matter of fact that he has it pretty easy since we always have food even if he doesn't want it). We discuss how it makes me feel (hurt, frustrated, etc.) when I cook and then he immediately starts complaining before he even tries it. We talk about whether it honors God and shows our gratitude to Him for his provision when we complain about what we have. We discuss nutrition and how food choices affect our health and well-being. Since he knows my father died early at age 47 from diabetes and that I miss him terribly, my son sees the impact of what can happen when we don't take care of our bodies. Also, since his own dad (my husband) had cancer and it is likely genetic, my son also knows he will have to eat really healthy to help his body be less likely to get the same cancer (along with regular screenings when he gets older). We also require him to try at least 2 bites of something before rejecting it. When I make something new, I always try to pair it with something else that I know he will like just in case he doesn't like the new dish. I want to be fair and accommodating as much as possible, but still have to stick to my very modest food budget and good nutrition. I remember having some serious food aversions as a kid and my parents simply didn't understand that I wasn't trying to be picky, but that boxed stuffing, brussel sprouts, and a few other things really made me gag. I couldn't control it. So, I don't want to be mean about it, but do want to address the heart issues as appropriate.

When we go places, I remind them ahead of time to respect the feelings of Grandma (or the host/hostess we are visiting) and that they don't have to eat anything they don't like, but they should be careful not to make negative comments about the food or compare it to other people's cooking. I typically help them make their plates at gatherings, picking out things I think they will like and letting them make choices too, and also giving them very small portions so they won't waste much if they decide they don't like that particular dish. It took some practice and some gentle whispered reminders in their ears, but they are doing really great with that now.

Interrupting: If I am talking with another adult, he is allowed to say excuse me once and then must wait for me to acknowledge him before he asks his question. Otherwise, he will wait longer. If he continues to interrupt, I may look him in the eye and put my index finger to my lips as a signal to be quiet and wait. If he still continues, I will excuse my son's rudeness to my conversation partner, and then have a short conversation with my son about the expectations. Otherwise, if he follows protocol, as soon as is appropriate for the conversation at hand, I'll excuse myself for a moment, turn to him and then happily answer his question. If he feels it is an emergency, he may express that, but still must be respectful about it. Sometimes, we practice at home, especially in the beginning as we were starting to cultivate this particular habit of being polite and waiting his turn to speak. Again, this is simply about training him for successful and appropriate interactions as an adult. It takes time, patience, and consistency, but it does eventually bear fruit.

I think it is good to have goals for our kids to learn proper behavior, but it is also important to have realistic expectations for each child. They will each develop at their own pace and respond to different tactics and strategies. Keep praying for wisdom and discernment with your kids and God will bring the right resources and ideas to you to try out.

I know this was a rather long post, but I hope it is helpful!

[arelyn]

Don't apologize for the long post! There's some great stuff in there!