Hitting and kicking

[rjy9343]

Ivy has started hitting and kicking James as well as generally annoying him. I am pretty sure the annoying him is because she wants his attention and licking him while using toilet humor is a great way to get it. I am not really worried about that part since I know she will outgrow it or outlast him and he will decide it is easier to put away his games and play with her.
But the hitting and kicking have got to stop. She seems to do it when she is tired or when he pushes her to far. It is only James and no one else. I am nearly certain he is on the spectrum. He has admitted he can't read her body language and other cues, so if I am not there to intervene, she is going to lash out. I have tried to show James how to tell when it is time to back off or change tactics and how to back off without losing face.(They both drive me nuts because they both have to win). I am not sure if it is him or me, but it isn't working.
I have tried to give Ivy tools to tell James when she is angry so that he will back off, but I think she gets too emotional to do that. There are also the minor issues that she is five and autistic. Part of what is baffling me is that she can and does use those tools with me for the most part. I don't know if she feels more comfortable telling me to give her space or if I am able to read her so I give her time to realize she needs it. Maybe it's both.
Any ideas would be appreciated since James is ready to resort to time outs and spanking over this. I think I can keep him from spanking her, but I don't think I will be able to hold the line on times outs much longer.

[ShepherdsWife]

Is he willing to let you script him in reacting a few times? How does James usually react? My DH can escalate situations by his reaction to DS. What can start as a simple protest turns into a full blown tantrum just because of the way DH reacts. I have been trying to encourage DH to use diffusing reactions instead of aggravating ones. It isn't going great but little by little he is catching on.
I recently bought a whole set of books from Barnes and Noble for kids. They cover biting, kicking, hitting, and a bunch of other things. DS likes them and they seem to help especially with describing and then giving tools. When he starts I can say, "remember......?" and he does remember the books. It gives us a base to jump into conversation. Also, DH seeing me addressing and doing education on these behaviors has helped with my putting off spanking and time outs. I do little things like say, "can you tell Daddy what we do and don't hit?". The little man is happy to do that and it pacifies DH a little. At least it makes him feel like I am "doing something" since his opinion of positive parenting is that we mostly don't do anything.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rjy9343]

He is more than willing to let me step in. I just can't be everywhere at once. Or if I am already there, I have to watch them both and I really hate that. I am not sure if James notices me watching them or not, but it would make me feel like someone was waiting for me to screw up and explain why I am a bad parent.
His big handicap is that he can't tell when he is escalating a situation or defusing it. He can't read body language or facial expressions very well. Nor does he hear changes in vocal tones unless they are dramatic. Because of this, he just hopes for the best as he does whatever he is doing. I know he is trying, but for all intents and purposes he is speaking a foreign language.
I don't think he ready to punish because he thinks it is a good idea as much as it is he is out of ideas. He thinks that he spent fifteen minutes with her so she is good now. She thinks he spent fifteen minutes and that is it??? I just can't get him to get it.