"Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD - Page 5

Tandem mama · 07-19-2011, 05:07 AM

I've only read the op here, but this was very timely

I was going to post about punishment vs consequences and what is the difference? We are having...disobedience issues, I suppose is the best thing to call them, with my three year old. I feel it's become something that needs a consequence so she can learn no means no. But I don't want to punish her, I want her to learn.

bolt. · 07-19-2011, 09:55 AM

It doens't require a consiquence to teach a child that 'no means no' -- all it requires is the parent making sure that every time they say 'no' the thing they said 'no' about does not occur. Then it becomes perfectly obvious what 'no' means... it means that the thing is absolutely not going to happen.

(Of course, 'no' is a fairly vauge word... it's not exactly easy to obey the word 'no' without processing the context and making a guess about the parent's implications. Many children find more specific instructions easier to follow -- such as 'stop' - 'be still' or 'hands off'.)

Tandem mama · 07-19-2011, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bolt.

It doens't require a consiquence to teach a child that 'no means no' -- all it requires is the parent making sure that every time they say 'no' the thing they said 'no' about does not occur. Then it becomes perfectly obvious what 'no' means... it means that the thing is absolutely not going to happen.

(Of course, 'no' is a fairly vauge word... it's not exactly easy to obey the word 'no' without processing the context and making a guess about the parent's implications. Many children find more specific instructions easier to follow -- such as 'stop' - 'be still' or 'hands off'.)

I do specify. Rarely do i even say "no" rather I say why she ought not to do what she wants.

DancingWithElves · 07-19-2011, 11:13 AM

i've only read up to the first response by aol

i like the op and i hope many find it useful.

but this is what i mean when i ask, if something i did is punitive: ''i am guessing at normal b/c for most of my life i've lived in a twisted, cruel, unreal world of my abusive caregivers. i have the right goals, i understand gbd. but half the stuff i do, whether it relates to my children or not, feels "off", feels wrong, feels punitive, feels wrong, feels sinful, etc. so, seeing as how i assume you nice ladies are not half as screwed up as i am, can you please look at this situation and reassure me that up is still in the direction i believe it's in"

changing paradigm, changing parenting, changing understanding of grace, starting over with God does not bring instant healing

does not even bring swift healing in my experience

it's taking time and in the meanwhile i need to know that i can rely on my sisters to tell me if i'm on the right track, although everything feels wrong.

filmgirl2911 · 07-19-2011, 11:36 AM

I just found this and want to be able to find it again. This seems pretty helpful for me. Especially with my very, very, very close to 3.5 y.o.

Tandem mama · 07-19-2011, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by filmgirl2911

I just found this and want to be able to find it again. This seems pretty helpful for me. Especially with my very, very, very close to 3.5 y.o.

From my thread about my 3.5 Yo earlier I'm seeing that 3.5 is a trying time.

The Tickle Momster · 08-29-2011, 10:12 PM

Re-reading this thread tonight.

for the insight, questions and reminders. I am off to make posters for my kitchen cupboards of the questions listed in the OP. One will contain a change I wanted to share. "Will my response teach them an APPROPRIATE pattern for how to act in the future?" Any response will teach a pattern, an appropriate one is harder and more important.

Things have been rough here lately. Answering the questions Crystal posted is on my prayer list for the next several days. Who do I want to be? What are my goals?

mokamoto · 08-30-2011, 04:32 AM

Thanks for posting this, Tickle Momster. I am relecting a lot lately, too and this thread is perfect for my current re-assessment.

07-19-2011, 05:07 AM	#61
Tandem mama Rose Garden In my world everyone's a pony Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies Posts: 11,767	Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD I've only read the op here, but this was very timely I was going to post about punishment vs consequences and what is the difference? We are having...disobedience issues, I suppose is the best thing to call them, with my three year old. I feel it's become something that needs a consequence so she can learn no means no. But I don't want to punish her, I want her to learn. __________________ I'm Megan (ENFP, DYT Type 1) Married since 2007 to my Apple-geeky artist Don (INTJ) Mommy to Lydia (1/08) "Nature is really dirty" Charlotte (7/10) "me am not chawlotte me are batman" Introducing Nolan January 11, 2014

07-19-2011, 09:55 AM	#62
bolt. Rose Trellis Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada Posts: 2,963	Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD It doens't require a consiquence to teach a child that 'no means no' -- all it requires is the parent making sure that every time they say 'no' the thing they said 'no' about does not occur. Then it becomes perfectly obvious what 'no' means... it means that the thing is absolutely not going to happen. (Of course, 'no' is a fairly vauge word... it's not exactly easy to obey the word 'no' without processing the context and making a guess about the parent's implications. Many children find more specific instructions easier to follow -- such as 'stop' - 'be still' or 'hands off'.) __________________ Everything written here is the musing and mumblings of an ordinary person. Even if I take myself too seriously, there's no reason for any of you to make the same mistake! Pam, 35 yo Christian for 20 y Married for 15 y Mother to "J" 8 yo, and "M" 5 yo INTJ, DYT 4, Canadian 1 more class until I'm done at Seminary Adjunct Faculty at a Bible College

07-19-2011, 11:13 AM	#64
DancingWithElves Rose Garden Blissed out in the January sun Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: that perfect place :) Posts: 11,721	Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD i've only read up to the first response by aol i like the op and i hope many find it useful. but this is what i mean when i ask, if something i did is punitive: ''i am guessing at normal b/c for most of my life i've lived in a twisted, cruel, unreal world of my abusive caregivers. i have the right goals, i understand gbd. but half the stuff i do, whether it relates to my children or not, feels "off", feels wrong, feels punitive, feels wrong, feels sinful, etc. so, seeing as how i assume you nice ladies are not half as screwed up as i am, can you please look at this situation and reassure me that up is still in the direction i believe it's in" changing paradigm, changing parenting, changing understanding of grace, starting over with God does not bring instant healing does not even bring swift healing in my experience it's taking time and in the meanwhile i need to know that i can rely on my sisters to tell me if i'm on the right track, although everything feels wrong. __________________ ~I r e n e~ sweet and sassy wife, mama, healer, part-time dragon-slayer the worst PM answerer ever my belongs to the babywearing 'Architect' Dancing with my three Magical Elves Smiles the Stampede Sugar Plump & Double Dimples Kissing each elf 1,000,000 times a day, and when there's time left tracking gnomes, singing folk songs on the porch, befriending dragonflies, and bopping sun-frosted 'fros through the dandelion fields.

07-19-2011, 11:36 AM	#65
filmgirl2911 Rose Garden Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: North Carolina Posts: 4,784	Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD I just found this and want to be able to find it again. This seems pretty helpful for me. Especially with my very, very, very close to 3.5 y.o. __________________ ~ judith blessed with a creative, encouraging man of God for my husband since October 2001 blessed with a delightful, creative little girl since February 2008 blessed with a sweet {but sometimes fierce} empathetic little girl since April 2010 word on the street is I am an ENFP For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

08-29-2011, 10:12 PM	#67
The Tickle Momster Rose Garden previously mlrowley Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: NW WA Posts: 16,612	Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD Re-reading this thread tonight. for the insight, questions and reminders. I am off to make posters for my kitchen cupboards of the questions listed in the OP. One will contain a change I wanted to share. "Will my response teach them an APPROPRIATE pattern for how to act in the future?" Any response will teach a pattern, an appropriate one is harder and more important. Things have been rough here lately. Answering the questions Crystal posted is on my prayer list for the next several days. Who do I want to be? What are my goals? __________________ Michelle wife to Tom ('95) Momma to DD 18 DS 17 DD 15 '07 DS 12 Save Save

08-30-2011, 04:32 AM	#68
mokamoto Climbing Rose Mama to two little sweetpeas and loving wife to my Darling tech buff Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Zushi, Japan Posts: 1,138	Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD Thanks for posting this, Tickle Momster. I am relecting a lot lately, too and this thread is perfect for my current re-assessment. __________________ Marie Wife to beloved DH since 2002 (the BIG 1-0 Anniversary this year!), , Mom to Nobu 7y(12.05) & Meg 5y(6.08)

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