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Old 03-05-2011, 10:09 AM   #1
Katigre
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Default "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD

I'd like to discuss this. I have seen the question of whether something is punitive or not come up freqently the forum lately. This post is not directed at any particular thread/poster/discussion, but rather is a topic I think is relevant to discuss separately. Onto my thoughts...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems to me that parents struggling with GBD often ask discipline questions in the context of whether something is punitive vs. gentle.

Often, this question is a result of parents feeling unsure how to evaluate their response to unwanted behavior. They believe that 'punitive is bad' and 'gentle is good', but don't have a clear working definition for how to evaluate discipline choices in the light of those values.

This dilemna seems to leads to a permissive-punitive swing as they try to 'be gentle' which becomes 'i have no tools to enforce boundaries if the kids don't agree'. When things are pushed far enough, the parent reacts with a harsh consequence born out of frustration rather than a deliberate choice in teaching. This back and forth scenario is very confusing and difficult for both parent and child to navigate, and leads to the worst kind of behavior for everyone. Without a consistent pattern of interaction established in the home, no one knows what to expect or how to adjust. It also leads to misunderstandings of how GBD works.

I personally find the question 'Is this punitive or not?' to be unhelpful in figuring out GBD responses to misbehavior. Equally, 'Is this gentle?' can lead to the thinking that anything spoken in a firm voice or enforced physically (such as carrying a tantruming child out of a store) is 'ungentle'. In the midst of problem solving, this specific question ('punitive or gentle?') can block proactive brainstorming and finding strategies for connecting with our children and teaching them.

Instead, when I am approaching a situation with the kids, I focus on these types of questions when problem solving (let's take the issue of siblings fighting over a toy):
"What response teaches/enforces healthy boundaries?"
"Will this response help keep everyone safe?"
"What values do I want to teach in this situation?" (respect, patience, kindness, etc...)"
"Will my response teach them a pattern for how to act in the future?"


Those questions are proactive and encourage me to think through GBD in a positive way (not as a reaction against being punitive, but in positively choosing it as the best option for my family).

The purpose of this forum is to equip parents with tools - not just practical tools for managing XYZ unpleasant behavior, but also proactive tools for the parent so that they become established in a GBD paradigm. I think figuring out how to rephrase the 'is this punitive?' question into something that promotes more immediate problem solving is an important tool (at least it is for me with my kids).

Last edited by Katigre; 03-05-2011 at 12:23 PM.
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