Please help me address this! I think I messed up!

[Momys]

I think I just messed up HUGELY and I don't know how to deal with this. I found a burned patch next to the house with a lighter in the middle. I knew it was done between 1 and 3 today because we used the lighter to light the candles for my 15 year old's cake for lunch, and the patch was found at 3. I know it wasn't one of the younger 2 because they can't get the lighter to work. So it is one of 4 children (8, 9, 10 or 12 year olds. It could be any of them). No-one is owning up, despite the fact that I said there will be no consequence if they are truthful.

I NEED to know who this was. We live next to woods, the patch was next to our house, it was windy. Playing with fire is NOT okay. I spoke about honesty, respect, etc. etc. etc. I gave every child the opportunity to approach me in person privately so they don't have to confess in front of everyone else.


And then I threatened. I told them if the 1 person doesn't own up we'll NOT go to the science fair tomorrow as I can't trust them at home, and I won't be able to trust them somewhere else (we've been working on projects for weeks), I'll take the chicks back to the farm tonight (part of our project), and everyone will go to bed straight after supper.
I threatened with something I really don't want to follow through with, and something that I don't feel is fair, TBH.


How do I handle this? What do I do from here onwards?

[The Tickle Momster]

First, That would be so, so scary!

Second, I think you started out great! Honest discussion, opportunity to own up, etc. All good.

For the end, and threatening, I can totally understand where you were coming from, and oh, how wonderful hindsight is. Can you be just as honest as you were earlier? ex "Mom was very upset and scared. I really don't want to remove the science fair as a consequence. " Then either come up with an alternative with your dh or maybe even ask your kids? Something relevant, related, respectful?

[CelticJourney]

Originally Posted by Momys

...

And then I threatened. I told them if the 1 person doesn't own up we'll NOT go to the science fair tomorrow as I can't trust them at home, and I won't be able to trust them somewhere else (we've been working on projects for weeks), I'll take the chicks back to the farm tonight (part of our project), and everyone will go to bed straight after supper.
I threatened with something I really don't want to follow through with, and something that I don't feel is fair, TBH.


How do I handle this? What do I do from here onwards?

You own it. You go to your kids and say 'look, this is super scary for me that this happened. We've talked about the potential for what could have happened to our property and our lives. I said something I would like to take back about the science fair and we will be going. But for my sake and yours, I NEED to know who did this so we can work through why and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.'

Most likely, your reaction and fear made the point about the danger crystal clear. I understand needing to know, but punishing three because one doesn't confess is going to damage trust in the long run.

[ArmsOfLove]

How terrifying!

It's ok to say you regret what you said and will not be tying this to the science fair. If they were being left at home I can see it being a problem but then I would say they have to go with you and be with you so you know they are being safe.

And what I would say is you can't force them to step up. Hopefully the guilt and embarrassment they feel will help prevent this happening again. At the same time, since it's what you would be doing with whoever did it, I would suggest moving into intentional and comptehensive fire safety and fire understanding lessons with all of them. They all need to learn it.

It is very possible that after some embarrassment and in some time the guilty party will come and confess. That is what I have found to be the case - though it might be quite awhile before the confession comes.

[Momys]

I took my eldest to his volunteer thing, and I came back, spoke to everyone individually and I've made it clear that I'm not mad. I removed the threats I made and apologized for making them in the heat of the moment.

We have gone over fire safety so many times and the child who has impulse control issues (and who I would usually suspect) I think is actually innocent this time. I think we'll go over fire safety again, though.

My hubby's suggestion is that for the time being unfortunately we can not have and bonfires as someone cannot be trusted with fire and he can't help them learn the skills if they don't confess. We will remove ALL lighters and matches and keep them in a locked area for now to prevent this from happening again in the near future

[Aerynne]

I think you should take education to the next level- beyond what you can do yourselves.

Documentaries about wildfires (my kids and I like Nova)

Visit some firefighters who have fought wildfires (if you can find one that was injured that would be very educational. Not that you'd be trying to find someone missing 80% of their skin to scare your kids visually- I'd be wary of that and make sure it's not going to be scary just looking at the person- just that someone could describe their story)

Visit a place that was burned by a wildfire

Obviously you will be rethinking where you keep lighters and how safe they are.

With discretion, you might also consider letting some of your kids set fires in appropriate places under supervision a la "If you're ever curious about what it would be like to set a fire, I want to do it together. So if you want to have a fire together, we will find a way to make it happen safely." This could be a fire pit, bbq grill at a park, a beach- I don't know where you live or what there is there, but something like that. You might even have them set safe fires in front of you several times each, emphasizing it always has to be done with an adult. I'd do it one-on-one with them so that they each get a full turn to do everything. Definitely involve marshmallows if you're not allergic to anything in them. Take the mystery out of it and have some bonding time along the way.

[MariJo7]

Just like many of the previous posters, I agree that the safety issue and the educational aspect is the most important here. I guess that the kid who did it, was not fully aware of what could happen.

Fire, electricity, sharp knives, high places...they are those "forces" our kids have to learn to respect.

If you have talked with all of them in private, do you not even have a hunch? Does not even the body language of one of them give a clue? I guess you have been with them at the "crime scene" already, and you have already told them what could have happened there, if the fire would have spread. How did they respond? How did they look? And would someone from "outside" be totally out of question? Perhaps a class mate or a friend whom they do not want or dare to turn in?

I think you have done great. You have handled this situation much better than soooo many others.