Reasons I yell ---> troubleshooting

[Chaos Coordinator]

1. Anger - take some deep breaths? Idk. Twenty nine years in and I still kinda suck at approprIate expression of anger. Like snap anger. Like rage? Sometimes when I'm angry I can just say "I'm really really angry" but other times I feel out of control. Dye free helps but it's so hard to maintain since I react to soaps and cleaning products. Idk.

2. Child is too far away to hear me - is it "okay" to yell then?

3. Kids are ignoring me - usually in cahoots with each other. I need a better way to get their attention. Tap their shoulders?

4. Kids are yelling and I have to yell over them so they'll hear me? There has to be a better way.




Looking for whatever feedback my friends at gcm may have to offer

[sweetpeasmommy]

My biggest reason for yelling is that I've let boundaries be crossed way beyond what I should have.

Saying I am angry is something I've slipped on. C is intuitive but asd gets in the way and he often seems shocked that I am actually angry. Because I can take a lot, until I just can't. And then I'm boiling over. I need to say it before it gets to that point.

C has auditory processing issues so not hearing or understanding is mostly taken in stride and expected. Especially if he is trying to focus. Or hyper focused.

A code word used to work well. Then he decided it was stupid.

[staceylayne]

My opinion: I think "yelling" to a kid across the park is fine. There's a difference between hollering *to* someone and yelling *at* them. At least I think so.

I also think yelling in danger situations is warranted as well. The problem is the danger yell looses effectiveness when I'm often raising my voice about lesser issues.

---------- Post added at 12:42 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:40 AM ----------

I hate being ignored. Walking across the room and getting in their faces is sometimes all that works. And still D can be so locked in on whateveritis that her brain doesn't switch over to me for little bit.

[sweetpeas]

I'm with you on still not knowing how to express anger . . . wish I did . . . all the stuff "they say" just doesn't work/make sense . . .something, sigh . . .

I think yelling when kids are far away is fine as long as your tone is good. I think the "bad yelling" includes an angry tone that is "mean" or "scary" or whatever . . . making my voice really loud so someone far away can hear me, is fine (in fact, I was recently at a legal thing they were needing to record and the guy kept telling me to "yell!" because my voice was too soft to be picked up by the mike LOL)

Getting kids attention, I'm not good at this but . . . suggestions I've seen have been to talk really quietly. I think this works better if there's another adult nearby. My kids tune in quickly if they think they're missing out on something the grown-ups were saying. (dh and I were laughing just the other night, I regularly have to yell REALLY LOUDLY for the kids to hear me from upstairs, but the other night dh and I were talking and I told him "Amy said she's thinking about asking the girls . . ." I wasn't whispering, but I was speaking quieter than my "normal" voice for calling them when they're upstairs and MUCH MUCH MUCH quieter than when I have to yell up the stairs and both big girls came tumbling down the stairs instantly "what did Miss Amy want to ask us?" so yeah, quieter can work!) Singing it is another suggestion I've heard. . . it's out of the norm . . . I can see pig latin or spelling it or saying the sentence backwards working too. Basically changing the sound patterns to catch their attention.

My kids are older, alot of the yelling around here is my reaction to their attitude/yelling/rudeness . . . I think I'd be better about it if it seemed to "work" when I keep my cool, but it doesn't . . . whether I scream back at them or calmly tell them "that's still not ok, wiping the kitchen counter means making sure you have gotten all the crumbs and sticky spots, not just swiping a cloth across it" the child in question will still scream back at me that she hates me, I'm horrible and mean and unfair and . . . you get the idea. (and yes, that's an ACTUAL example, that's happened more than once at our house)

[blessedwithboys]

What's the trigger behind them not listening/ignoring direction? For me it's usually that we're leaving the house and could be late. When *I* plan our departures better, I yell significantly less. I was shocked when I realized how much of my yelling was taking out my own lack of planning on them. When I have everything prepared and give them enough time to get themselves ready (making visual lists helped too) I can usually get through without yelling.

[The Tickle Momster]

What's the trigger behind them not listening/ignoring direction? For me it's usually that we're leaving the house and could be late. When *I* plan our departures better, I yell significantly less. I was shocked when I realized how much of my yelling was taking out my own lack of planning on them. When I have everything prepared and give them enough time to get themselves ready (making visual lists helped too) I can usually get through without yelling.

This is me too. Right down to the planning.

For #1, noticing that out of control feeling, acknowledging it, and moving away from the kids is helpful for me. For me, I verbalize that I feel very angry and need to walk away. It can take up to twenty minutes for me to rebalance and be able to deal with child/situation. That out of control feeling is so scary.

For #4, have you tried sitting on the floor and whispering your instructions? I start with something simple like "if you can hear me, touch your nose." Repeat ad infinitude, until at least one or two kids is doing it, then switch to another simple direction like "if you can hear me, put your hands on your knees." It is an old classroom trick. And, I haven't used it recently so, thanks for the reminder.

[TenderLovingWillow]

I need this thread so

[mommylove]

I yell when their noise drowns out my internal dialogue and my thoughts get all jammed up in my head & I panic. In my panic, I yell. Usually all I need is a few moments and I wish I could find a mute button in those times. I don't know what to do, either.

[Sparrow]

Bear had the sweetest list patient kindergarten teacher. She would either sing really quietly. Or she would clap. The kids would stop and copy her clap. Or she would say shhhh in the same pattern as the classic knock. It works with my kids when they are in cahoots when I remember not to yell.

In all honesty I struggle with yelling too. Especially when they won't listen, won't get it together, like when we are out the door and they are fiddle flapping with something and we have to be somewhere on time.

[JoEllen]

Originally Posted by Chaos Coordinator

Child is too far away to hear me - is it "okay" to yell then?

Well, that's not really yelling. That's just adjusting your tone so you can be heard from across a distance. Perfectly acceptable.

I try really hard not to yell when I'm upset or frustrated, but like everyone else I do sometimes lose my cool. Then I have to go back and apologize to my kids.

[Chaos Coordinator]

Example of me yelling because they dont listen/obey

Me: get off the counter,you could fall
Child: (ignores me, walks across kitchen counter to use the sink)
Me: (yelling) HEY, I SAID YOU NEED TO GET DOWN SO YOU DONT FALL. (Our house is big and I'm too exhausted to get up urgently and dash over to get the child down myself)



Or


Kids fighting over something
Me: hey guys, stop, what's going on? Tell me what the problem is so i can help you.
Kids (ignore me, start beating eachother up)
Me: STOP IT NOW. GO SIT DOWN. DONT TOUCH EACHOTHER.

[Sparrow]

For the counter thing can you say " off the counter" and then make it happen?

---------- Post added at 08:13 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:10 AM ----------

And with the fighting thing I physically separate the two of them to separate rooms. I hear the calmest one first because imma sponge for their emotions. I think I've learned with 2 boys 2.5 years apart I have to gomb more than if like. Especially with an infant.

[tempus vernum]

I wanna come back when I have more time. I struggle with anger. Its proved but still there.

[MariJo7]

Something that helped me:

Once in a prayer line I told about my problem with anger. The preacher prayed for me, went to the next person and came back to me and said: "your anger is in fact frustration. Things go wrong and you get mad. God really wants to help you with everything. You should often ask for his help"

This advice has proved itself true through the years. It helped me to understand that my anger had nothing to do with hatred or something dangerous like that. I was just frustrated because I could not keep the things going smoothly. I have learned myself little by little to ask God to help me frequently in all those little things that are about to go wrong. About losing my keys and simple stuff like that. God does not think them silly. He has helped me many, many times.

[Chaos Coordinator]

It is usually fear and anxiety and exhaustion for me. Eta and overwhelm