Natural consequence of teen tantrums

deena · 04-17-2015, 06:19 PM

From my own toolbox:

look into triggers like food allergies and built up stress like being bullied at school.
Have them pay for any damage to property
Have them apologize for behavior after they've cooled down
Set a good example/understand that if you or your spouse rages then it's unreasonable to expect anything different from a child
Remain calm during the tantrum

If it were a younger child I would physically restrain them if they were damaging others, themselves or property.

But what do I do, for example, if they throw a laptop, but get lucky and no damage is done to pay for?

The natural consequence for a person outside the family doing that is that I wouldn't want to be around them anymore and they would lose a friend. But you can't do that with your own child.

Aerynne · 04-17-2015, 06:30 PM

Not to be too nitpicky, but it sounds like you are looking for logical consequences, not natural consequences. Natural consequences just happen- nothing you can do about that- for example if you wreck your laptop, then it's broken or if you don't wear a coat, then you're cold.

So logical consequences are what you're looking for. A child or teen who mistreats something, whether they get lucky or not, will not be trusted with said item or similar items. So no more using the laptop. Also a person who throws a laptop is obviously not showing great discretion so may lose other privileges where trust is an issue (going to activities without a parent, etc).

I think the biggest thing for a teen is you will treat you as if they are as old as they act. Throw a tantrum like a 2yo and you have the privileges a 2yo has (maybe not exactly but something in that direction- you're not going to be literally wiping their bum again or nursing them). Act responsibly and accept correction and be trusted more with being away from home, using expensive equipment, etc.

WanderingJuniper · 04-17-2015, 06:42 PM

I'll use a scenario from my own household recently. My teen threw her phone. It didn't break. The case popped off but it didn't break. I retrieved it and calmly informed her that I would hold on to it for the day. Throwing items, especially expensive items is not a proper way to express her frustration.

Hermana Linda · 04-17-2015, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WanderingJuniper

I'll use a scenario from my own household recently. My teen threw her phone. It didn't break. The case popped off but it didn't break. I retrieved it and calmly informed her that I would hold on to it for the day. Throwing items, especially expensive items is not a proper way to express her frustration.

That is good advice.

You know that this is a public forum, right?

WanderingJuniper · 04-17-2015, 06:58 PM

I'm okay with the story being in a public forum.

I won't share why it was thrown or the rest of the story in a public forum but the fact that it was thrown is okay. Thanks for the reminder.

kiloyd · 04-17-2015, 07:31 PM

WanderingJuniper's example is excellent.

In the case of a thrown lap top, I'd probably take away computer priveleges (except for schoolwork) for a certain amount of time.

Definitely look into what is causing such anger. Look into getting counseling for the teen.

ArmsOfLove · 04-17-2015, 10:54 PM

When a teen is behaving that way there is something going on. I know you've been through a lot. Does he have counseling? Has the doctor checked him to make sure he's progressing well developmentally?

deena · 04-18-2015, 07:47 AM

Great advice everyone! I like the explanation that if you act like a two year old I will treat you like one. It would be a good way of explaining whatever action I took next. I think it's important to be able to talk through the consequences instead of seemingly arbitrarily punishing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

When a teen is behaving that way there is something going on. I know you've been through a lot. Does he have counseling? Has the doctor checked him to make sure he's progressing well developmentally?

My boyfriend's son did it at his moms house. She "grounded him for a month"

and then gave in a few days later.

I was trying to think how I would have handled it.

When I get my boys back (nasty custody dispute) I'm anticipating the possibility of this kind of behavior that unfortunately won't be resolved by any sort of consequence, given what they've gone through. It's probably too late for my fifteen year old and maybe my 11 year old.

Love is about all I can offer them at this point. I am coming to peace with merely saving my seven and four year old.

So at this point it's more hypothetical than anything but I do need the skills so that I can respond properly even if it is, possibly, a lost cause.

hollybells · 04-18-2015, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deena

When I get my boys back (nasty custody dispute) I'm anticipating the possibility of this kind of behavior that unfortunately won't be resolved by any sort of consequence, given what they've gone through. It's probably too late for my fifteen year old and maybe my 11 year old.

Love is about all I can offer them at this point. I am coming to peace with merely saving my seven and four year old.

So at this point it's more hypothetical than anything but I do need the skills so that I can respond properly even if it is, possibly, a lost cause.

With regard to the bolded parts, as their mum, you don't have that luxury.

Giving up on them is not an option and, from their perspective, will just reinforce what they feel has already happened physically (in terms of custody). They'll feel it. They will know. I'm honestly just heart broken reading that.

I know this wasn't necessarily the focus of your thread so feel free to skip, but based on your response above ...

deena · 04-18-2015, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hollybells

Giving up on them is not an option and, from their perspective, will just reinforce what they feel has already happened physically (in terms of custody). They'll feel it. They will know. I'm honestly just heart broken reading that.

Being realistic isn't giving up. Children who grow up with abuse are likely to repeat it. They have grown up with it. They think that when you don't get your way you intimidate the weaker people around you. They've learned to have disdain for women.

Hopefully they will see that "mom decided it wasn't OK so I'm going to decide the same thing." But you can't undo years of living in a really unhealthy dynamic. I will mother them in a positive way despite that. That's not giving up. That's facing the facts.

Honestly I don't know what is in store for me when I get them back. I am trying to prepare myself for all outcomes.

Quote:

Please don't invest more time, energy and mental space into parenting strategies for your boyfriend's children than for YOUR OWN.

I was imagining what I would do if it was my kid. That has nothing to do with his. I'm not invested in them at all and I only see them every other weekend.

Imagining discipline scenario's is about as proactive as I can come up with since I haven't seen my kids in two years. I also am making a notebook full of activity ideas for when I see them. And a chore chart. And painting their rooms. I don't mind this thread taking a turn if anyone has other ideas for how I can prepare for when I have my kids again. (Divorce trial is in July. I finally have a lawyer!

)

Quote:

Men will come and go.

He's a kind and gentle man. Nothing like my ex. And we have a baby together. So he's not going anywhere.

I know I'm especially sensitive about the subject of my kids, but nevertheless, I'm offended that you think I've given up on my kids and that you think I'm invested in someone else's kid more than my own.

WanderingJuniper · 04-18-2015, 12:57 PM

Hurrah for a lawyer! I'll be praying for you when the date comes. It is never too late to effect a positive change but you are right with your older there is a part of them that will have to want the change. You already know this but the road won't be easy.

And yeah, the other reaction to throwing the laptop was not in my opinion the most productive way to handle it but that's one of the challenges.

mamajane · 04-18-2015, 01:48 PM

I would think that actually saying to your teenager that if he's acting like a 2yo you'll treat him like one would be fighting words that would excalate the moment. And, in fact, he may be acting more like adults he's known. Having the laptop removed from his space for a period of time makes sense.

FlyingBlueKiwi · 04-20-2015, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deena

I finally have a lawyer!

deena · 04-23-2015, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamajane

I would think that actually saying to your teenager that if he's acting like a 2yo you'll treat him like one would be fighting words that would excalate the moment. And, in fact, he may be acting more like adults he's known. Having the laptop removed from his space for a period of time makes sense.

Excellent point.

sweetpeas · 04-24-2015, 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deena

(Divorce trial is in July. I finally have a lawyer!

)

this is such good news!!!!

I'll second the idea that telling a teen they're acting like a 2 yr old won't go over well. It would definitely escalate things for my 12 yr olds!

04-17-2015, 06:19 PM	#1
deena Rose Garden Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 12,314	Natural consequence of teen tantrums From my own toolbox: look into triggers like food allergies and built up stress like being bullied at school. Have them pay for any damage to property Have them apologize for behavior after they've cooled down Set a good example/understand that if you or your spouse rages then it's unreasonable to expect anything different from a child Remain calm during the tantrum If it were a younger child I would physically restrain them if they were damaging others, themselves or property. But what do I do, for example, if they throw a laptop, but get lucky and no damage is done to pay for? The natural consequence for a person outside the family doing that is that I wouldn't want to be around them anymore and they would lose a friend. But you can't do that with your own child. __________________ My kiddos 26, 23, 19, 15, 12, 8, 2, <1

04-17-2015, 06:30 PM	#2
Aerynne Rose Garden Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 27,359	Re: Natural consequence of teen tantrums Not to be too nitpicky, but it sounds like you are looking for logical consequences, not natural consequences. Natural consequences just happen- nothing you can do about that- for example if you wreck your laptop, then it's broken or if you don't wear a coat, then you're cold. So logical consequences are what you're looking for. A child or teen who mistreats something, whether they get lucky or not, will not be trusted with said item or similar items. So no more using the laptop. Also a person who throws a laptop is obviously not showing great discretion so may lose other privileges where trust is an issue (going to activities without a parent, etc). I think the biggest thing for a teen is you will treat you as if they are as old as they act. Throw a tantrum like a 2yo and you have the privileges a 2yo has (maybe not exactly but something in that direction- you're not going to be literally wiping their bum again or nursing them). Act responsibly and accept correction and be trusted more with being away from home, using expensive equipment, etc. __________________ Erin born of water and of the Spirit 4/96 married 5/02 Mama to: 2004 2007 2010 2012 2017 2019 Jan 2, 2024 And many I hope to hold in heaven one day

04-17-2015, 06:42 PM	#3
WanderingJuniper Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 10,819	Re: Natural consequence of teen tantrums I'll use a scenario from my own household recently. My teen threw her phone. It didn't break. The case popped off but it didn't break. I retrieved it and calmly informed her that I would hold on to it for the day. Throwing items, especially expensive items is not a proper way to express her frustration.

04-17-2015, 06:58 PM	#5
WanderingJuniper Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 10,819	Re: Natural consequence of teen tantrums I'm okay with the story being in a public forum. I won't share why it was thrown or the rest of the story in a public forum but the fact that it was thrown is okay. Thanks for the reminder.

04-17-2015, 07:31 PM	#6
kiloyd Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: South Carolina Posts: 16,108	Re: Natural consequence of teen tantrums WanderingJuniper's example is excellent. In the case of a thrown lap top, I'd probably take away computer priveleges (except for schoolwork) for a certain amount of time. Definitely look into what is causing such anger. Look into getting counseling for the teen. __________________ k-i-loyd, not kill loyd ISFJ/P Katherine, married 8-9-97 ds1 22 (adding a dil in August!) dd1 18 dd2 16 ds2 10

04-17-2015, 10:54 PM	#7
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Natural consequence of teen tantrums When a teen is behaving that way there is something going on. I know you've been through a lot. Does he have counseling? Has the doctor checked him to make sure he's progressing well developmentally? __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

04-18-2015, 12:57 PM	#11
WanderingJuniper Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 10,819	Re: Natural consequence of teen tantrums Hurrah for a lawyer! I'll be praying for you when the date comes. It is never too late to effect a positive change but you are right with your older there is a part of them that will have to want the change. You already know this but the road won't be easy. And yeah, the other reaction to throwing the laptop was not in my opinion the most productive way to handle it but that's one of the challenges.

04-18-2015, 01:48 PM	#12
mamajane Rose Garden Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,675	Re: Natural consequence of teen tantrums I would think that actually saying to your teenager that if he's acting like a 2yo you'll treat him like one would be fighting words that would excalate the moment. And, in fact, he may be acting more like adults he's known. Having the laptop removed from his space for a period of time makes sense. __________________ ISFP Ds 15 DDs 13, 10,and 7

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