In the car...troubleshooting

[Bea423]

I need some ideas for maintaining behavior boundaries in the car.
After a few minutes suddeny they're yelling at eachother, tryin to hit eachother or being so obnoxiously loud in their play nothing else can be heard. I'm really not sure what to do about it. I really can't do anything about it and I don't know which enforceable statements to use. Moving the seats isn't an option.

Here's what I'm doing:

Singing songs on short drives
Sitting where I can block hits (this makes it worse)
Reminders to use kind words
Quiet voice games

None of these are helping *at all* in fact my kids feel they're in total control when in the car.

[Kiara.I]

I pull over, get out, open the back door, and stand there. And wait.
Then (eventually) we go over rules.

- Quiet voices in the car.
- Hands and feet stay in your own carseat space.

If it's really bad, you could consider getting a seat of plexiglass or something and sliding it between the carseats. I'm sure that yes, it would be a projectile in case of an accident, etc., etc., but using it temporarily to teach Stay. In. Your. Own. Space might still be helpful. Use cardboard instead if it's handy.

[ValiantJoy07]

snacks. snacks (with mirrors for the RFing littles) is the only way I have found to stop screaming/fighting/kicking/ meltdowns in the car. Special car snacks. We usually used things that they never got outside the car (cereals/puffs) or special fruit snacks if it wasn't a hot season. In hot weather I'll pack a few frozen Mashups (the fruit pouches) and that keeps every one quiet and happy for a good chunk of time. But seriously, I'd load them in their seats and I kept a box of cereal and a box of sandwich bags in the car and I'd dish them up each a small bag and tell them if they were really quiet and calm and enjoyed their snack we'd so some thing special when we got home.

In a pinch I've also kept organic lollipops in the glove box. My kids never get candy, I mean really never. But if we're having a really rough time and I knew my dd who doesn't sleep in the car was going to melt down and scream (and she was too little to understand "you need to be quiet" at 2.5) I'd pull out the lollipops because if she screamed the others screamed.

[Bea423]

Originally Posted by Kiara.I

I pull over, get out, open the back door, and stand there. And wait.
Then (eventually) we go over rules.

- Quiet voices in the car.
- Hands and feet stay in your own carseat space.

If it's really bad, you could consider getting a seat of plexiglass or something and sliding it between the carseats. I'm sure that yes, it would be a projectile in case of an accident, etc., etc., but using it temporarily to teach Stay. In. Your. Own. Space might still be helpful. Use cardboard instead if it's handy.

We've trie pulling over before but going anywhere where we live requires a freeway right now and we can't always just stop. I'm wondering if maybe I need to intentionally plan to go some places close to home, wait for them to start and then just turn around and go home, missing the event. This feels almost mean to me which is why I haven't yet done it. On the other hand... It's not healthy for them to feel like we aren't capable of handling their behavior either. I don't know.

---------- Post added at 01:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:27 PM ----------

Originally Posted by ValiantJoy07

snacks. snacks (with mirrors for the RFing littles) is the only way I have found to stop screaming/fighting/kicking/ meltdowns in the car. Special car snacks. We usually used things that they never got outside the car (cereals/puffs) or special fruit snacks if it wasn't a hot season. In hot weather I'll pack a few frozen Mashups (the fruit pouches) and that keeps every one quiet and happy for a good chunk of time. But seriously, I'd load them in their seats and I kept a box of cereal and a box of sandwich bags in the car and I'd dish them up each a small bag and tell them if they were really quiet and calm and enjoyed their snack we'd so some thing special when we got home.

In a pinch I've also kept organic lollipops in the glove box. My kids never get candy, I mean really never. But if we're having a really rough time and I knew my dd who doesn't sleep in the car was going to melt down and scream (and she was too little to understand "you need to be quiet" at 2.5) I'd pull out the lollipops because if she screamed the others screamed.

We've stopped doing that because they started throwing and dumping food and drinks when we gave it to them. They really seem to be asking for boundaries at this point.

[rjy9343]

I try to make the trip worth it with special treats like riding the coin operated rides, a trip to the library or the park after we finish. When one of the kids get obnoxious, I ask what part of whatever I promised he or she likes most . It distracts from the bad behavior and reminds them to behave.
If I can't promise something fun, I ask the offender something outlandish like why don't you wear underwear on your head. It seems to snap them out of their boredom and helps move on to the next thing.
Most of the behavior you described happens when my group is bored. It's not so much a boundary issue as much as it is a maturity issue. Keeping them interested in something really helps. Birds, clouds, trees, funny looking buildings, old classic cars, houses with multiple chimneys or anything that is different is great. Road alphabet, my bug, the license plate game or any other car game keeps them busy and happy.

[Aerynne]

Car behavior must be good. It's non-negotiable.

I definitely agree to pull the car over. How far is it on the freeway to the next exit? If there's a next exit nearby I would definitely get out and stop the car.

Intentionally planning some trips close to home is a good idea.

Turning around and going home if behavior is bad is fine if warning has been given beforehand so they know what the consequences are. Go over the rules of the car before driving anywhere. They should know that every violation will result in whatever the consequence is.

With my kids I will make them walk if they are behaving inappropriately and do not stop when I tell them to. I have only had to do that once, with one child, and every couple of months I have to remind someone that they are getting close to that. Obviously they cannot do that along the freeway, though. If there is a way to do that close to home, I would. My ds2 walked about 3/4 of a mile home once (with a parent). He has been fine in the car since then with only a few reminders that he if he keeps whatever up, he will have to walk again (less than 10 ever, and it was years ago. He was three at the time).

It really sounds like they are asking for boundaries.

[AngelaVA]

With us it's music. We enjoying adding new songs and making playlists for our car rides. But if bad behavior starts the music goes off right away. Obviously this only works because my kids really like the music though YMMV.

[OnAMission]

How old are the kids? Is there any way to minimize/reduce the driving? Is there any way to create greater space? What about choosing a different time of day/different circumstances?

We have, and maybe it's just temperament or something, really great kids in the car. However, I do everything in my power to make it as comfortable as possible for them. They are fed/pottied/dry/not tired. They know where we are going and what we will do while there. If it is a not-fun-to-kids place, like the grocery store, they know that they may have a lollipop once they are seated in the cart. They know that when we get back we will have their favorite lunch. We rotate who gets to choose the kid music/audio book. I almost never go shopping with them, except for necessity, like the grocery store. The grocery store is *at most* once per week. I save other stuff for when dh can go with us or I can go by myself. With so many positive experiences, the few times we have to do something more/inconvenient/not fun, they generally do just fine because they know it is not the norm.

[MariJo7]

It is a long time ago since my kids were little, but in those days, audio tapes were the thing. Not just music but also stories, audio pays and such. They were a big help. Some of the tapes were so good that even me and DH liked to have them on.

---------- Post added at 09:36 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:32 AM ----------

Long drives with the car can be so, so boring, if there is nothing to do. But with our favorite audio plays on, things went smoothly. Something like "Winnie the Pooh" read by two very good actors. That was one of the very best.