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Old 08-06-2012, 10:21 PM   #1
MamaD
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Join Date: May 2011
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Default Very troubled by this sibling issue..... need some pointers

We have a 3 year old (son #1) and a 19 months old (son #2). I am really troubled by what's going on in this sibling deal, especially with my 3 year old. I need some help creating a much more loving sibling environment.

For example, son #1 wants to do EVERYTHING son #2 is doing (doesn't matter is something is really way below his age). son #1 would also get out of his way to make sure that son #2 doesn't get something. For example, son #1 is playing happily with toyA. son #2 goes and picks up toyB. AS SOON AS son#2 picks up toyB, son#1 IMMEDIATELY drops toyA and runs over to son#2 to try and pull toyB out of son#2's hands claiming that he "needs" it, and he gets very very intense when son#2 doesn't let go of the toyB. If I step in and somehow manages to redirect son#2 to, say toyA (or even toyC) so that son#1 can have toyA (of course I think that's wrong, but #!@), then son#1 will again IMMEDIATELY drop toyB and run to whatever toy son#2 has. It is very obvious that son#1 doesn't actually want the toy son#2 is playing with, instead, all he is trying to do is to make sure son#2 doesn't get it (or doesn't get ANYTHING, including the things son#1 never wanted to begin with). What is the deal with this attitude? I really want some ideas on cracking this "heart issue". I tried many ways and many times to correct the behavior, but I get nowhere with it besides ending up with a real upset son#1 who thinks he is absolutely being mistreated when I ask him to let go of the toy he is pulling out of brother's hand or to give it back to brother. It is not a discipline matter; it is a "heart" matter - why does he not want brother to have ANYTHING so badly that he'd go totally out of his way to ensure brother doesn't get anything? And how to I fix it so that "the heart" can become more loving towards brother?

Another example, every time I serve food, #1 wants to pile "A LOT" on his plate, and there is nothing that can stop him from wanting A LOT. And of course he can never finish eating the amount he asks for. I think the reason that he wants A LOT is just to make sure that there will be none left for brother (or anyone else, I don't know). Sometimes I try to explain to him by pointing at the serving plate and his plate, pointing out how he scooped all the food onto his plate, and showing him how there is so very little left in the serving plate that mom, dad, and brother won't be able to get anything to eat now. I try to explain that mom, dad, and brother each need some too, and he won't put the food back. I think he doesn't want brother to get any....I'm not sure. But this thinking really bothers me. I want an abundant mentality, not a scarce mentality. How do I nurture that?

When #1 sits down on a 2-seat chair (designed just for the two of them to sit together), when he sees #2 coming to sit, he purposely sits right in the middle and ignores me telling him to make room for #2.

Please help me figure out the matter in the heart so I can fix the matter of the heart and not just the behavior (which is totally useless to fix and have tantrums over).

I can see how #1 may not feel like there is "enough" to go around, enough food, enough toys, enough love.... And I try to point out all the times when #1 gets something "special" (which #2 doesn't get due to #2's age being younger), but that doesn't seem to help. What can I do? What is the problem?

Last edited by MamaD; 08-06-2012 at 10:26 PM.
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