[MamaD]

DoulaClara,

"Do I want him to not tantrum, or to avoid tantrums?" These two sounds the same so I don't know how to answer. I'm not trying to avoid tantrums altogether because I know it's not possible and that tantrums are needed. Although, I want to avoid conflicts and stressful situations when I can. Currently, they wake up and spend the whole day getting on each others' nerves. They also become totally unable to have any concentration or focus on any work or play because they are always distracted by what the other one is doing (that's especially for son#1 who never gets to focus and enjoy any playtime because he's too worried about what son#2 is doing). They are both crying and having tantrums a lot throughout the day. To answer your question - I would like to cut some of those down; I would like to defuse some of those extremely intense and stressful situations where both are pulling at a toy and one eventually falls down because he loses his grip. I don't mind being there to teach, but I want to be more effective where I can defuse the stressful times and create a more friendly, loving environment where they both have fun, feel loved, and enjoy having the brother around (most times).

---------- Post added at 11:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:19 AM ----------

Oh, the other part I forgot to mention is that I'd like to know how to effectively intervene. When I intervene and say, ask #1 to give the toy back to #2, #1 either doesn't let go, throws the toy at #2, intentionally runs very far away to put the toys down somewhere else saying that he's putting it down over there for #2 (and what he's truly doing is knowingly and intentionally aggravating #2 by running far away with the toy), or giving the toy back to #2 AND THEN hitting #2 as soon as I turn my back. This is what I mean by "fixing the behavior doesn't work" - the behavior being that "you took #2's toy so you give it back to him" isn't the issue. The issue is in the heart - he can fix the behavior by giving the toy back to #2 in any of the ways I described above (which are all inappropriate), but the issue in the heart isn't fixed.

---------- Post added at 11:57 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:30 AM ----------

Allisontx,
No I haven't read the 3 year old thread, should I? Where is it?

For the food, the suggestion is to serve what I think is appropriate for him and leave it as that. That's what I've done many times, and I really only give him a little bit, for example, only half a toast or 1/3-1/2 kids-size cup of milk, 2tablespoons of beans, etc. I do so because sometimes he doesn't even eat any even though he asks for it. Anyways, he always whines about wanting more when he receives the food. I tell him "you can have AS MUCH AS YOU"D LIKE. AFTER you finish this I'll give you more". Something about it doesn't click, somehow that's not enough for him no matter what I say. Many times I just say "I'll leave your bow here at the counter, when you are ready you can come get it". All of these brings him to a huge tantrum at the dinner table. Here are my questions:
1) Am I doing the right thing by insisting on the serving portion I give him? (his crying makes it look as if I'm really mis-treating him and trying to starve him.
2) How do I deal with his tantrum at the dinner table? Ask him to leave the table and be back when he's calm? (his tantrum escalates when I ask or force him to get off the table). Leave him at the table and ignore him while the rest of us eats? (the extremely loud YELLING and crying stirs up something in DH & #2 that I eventually end up with another 2 cranky babies - DH & #2). What do I do? I approve of the anger but I don't approve the yelling.

I welcome the words of wisdom on tantrums here as it relates to the food issue or brother issue, but I'm also posting a totally separate thread on tantrums because I feel that I need a full lesson on that topic while I need this thread to stay on the original sibling topic so I can get some tips on making sibling harmony and building good sibling experiences for them for life.