[SewingGreenMama]

Originally Posted by akmyilee

Thanks, this has been coming up a lot for me lately because they just did a Dobson study at our church.........I really needed that clarification and reminder.

in the instance of the spilled cereal..........I would have thought the examples that you gave would not have been defiance either. BUT what about when I say "your cereal bowl goes on the table" and the child (now I am not meaning a toddler, like my 4yo) picks up the bowl and dumps it out on the floor..........what then? I mean I would still give them a towel and would expect him to help clean it up, but should that "attitude" (I hate to use that word) be dealt with?

I've discovered that when my son deliberately disobeyed me before he could talk it was to make sure the rule still applied, that it was true with both hands, etc, not defiance, just exploring the boundaries to fully understand them, or such a total single minded NEED to know, touch, explore the particular thing they are unable to stop and need serious distraction.
Now that he is older when he is defient I have discovered it is usually because I've either not been consistent or I have treated him unjustly and he is defiant and uncooperative out of hurt and anger, that is MY fault, it doesn't excuse him but it does help me understand, then I step forward and apologize, re-establish boundaries etc and almost immediately he is a different child. I'm modeling correct behavior and addressed the true situation, his defiance was a helpless, hurt, and/or confused child's reaction to confusing boundaries/authority and/or unjustness.