Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;)

allisonintx · 10-13-2010, 12:36 PM

Healthy Message Board Living:

This is my 15th year of Message Board-ing, as it were, and my tenth year of membership here at GCM, and I’d like to talk about being understanding and understood on a message board. I spent a lot of years being misunderstood and hurting people’s feelings, and the ladies here have been so patient with me in my growth toward gentleness. I am far from a finished product but I have picked up a trick or two along the way, and I thought I’d share.

Formulating an OP for maximum impact

All words have meaning, and some people give them more weight than others, so you have to remember that each individual will read your post with weight on different words.

Start with your main idea of a post, especially if it’s about something controversial or something you’re having big feelings about. Write it all out as you normally would.

Leave the post alone for a while. Minimize the window and go do something else.

This is where the magic happens.

Read your post with new eyes. Think. Take time to consider what you are asking/saying or why you are posting. Clarify your intent. Think about wether or not you would want to read/respond to this post and why, or why not?

If you’re asking for something, are you using emotionally healthy vocabulary (I think / I feel / I need) ?

Are your words in active voice?

Passive voice is vague and leaves too much room for misunderstanding. The passive voice is what politicians use when they want to say something without taking responsibility for it, such as saying “bombs were dropped” or “mistakes were made”

You take responsibility for what you write and what you feel by using the active voice. Not only will you be clearer in your intent, in your posts, but you will also feel empowered when you do this regularly!

Bonus!

Ask yourself if the post itself, or the answers you hope to garner, will educate, illuminate, entertain or have an otherwise positive impact on your community here at GCM?

Does what you wrote still make sense upon a second reading?

Obviously, if you’re writing about a difficult situation in your life, the questions will be more along the lines of ‘does this post accurately describe my situation? Have I made clear what I’m looking for wether that’s hugs, help or both? and again, Does this post still make sense upon a second reading?

There will be times when this kind of editing is just not going to happen, of course, but when possible, it improves your chances of getting what you need out of your Message Board Experience.

Intent in Response

Take the high road with regard to intent.

Even if you believe that someone is saying something to be snarky or slightly offensive, just read it with the most positive tone you can manage. In this case it is a gracious offering to play dumb, just a little, and ignore the ‘tone’ you originally ‘heard’ in a post. I find getting 12 hours between my first reading of an emotionally charged post and sitting down to type my response will give me a brand new perspective on it...and if it doesn't, then I need to pray about how/whether to respond.

When formulating a response, edit edit edit. Make haste slowly to post an answer.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Prov 15:1)

It is good to remember that women who appear tough and talk tough are often the most sensitive among us, and to keep that in mind when responding.

Be kind. Be kinder than necessary. Practice being kinder than you ever thought you could be, especially since no one can hear the tone of your voice. Kindness is never wasted and will be returned to you.

If something you’re writing *might* be construed as unkind, leave it out or re-word it. It might make you feel better to say it, but unkindness benefits no one in the end. Often, I type something that’s a little ugly just to get to type it out, and then I just don’t hit post. I completely reword it or I delete it, entirely.

I’m embarrassed to say how often I write something with my own ‘flip’ tone and then have to rework or delete it. I’m talking about one out of every three or four posts.

Umm, check out my post count, and do the math.

Take no offense for someone else...especially if they don’t appear offended!

This is an energy suck of epic proportion and causes more board strife than the two people who are struggling actually working out what is going on without everyone else coming in trying to interpret for them.

If you believe another member has been wronged by a sister here, attacking the person who wrongs them is not going to be productive or helpful. Encouraging the women to work out their issues according to Matthew 18 absolutely *will* be helpful every time. If you see a thread going this way, contact a Moderator or an Admin who will help the ladies take their disagreement to PM per the board policy.

Saying the Hard Thing

This is something I do pretty frequently. If you have something to say that you know is going to be hard for a member to hear, please temper it with all the love in your heart, and use all the appropriate emoticons to indicate your intent.

If you can not say it with love or are struggling to say it graciously, just don’t say it at all, or contact someone who can help you word it appropriately

If you're concerned about how your response will be received ask a friend who is also a member in that forum, or staff member, via PM, to help you proof it. I do that a couple of times each month. It helps me say what I mean.

Also, give fair warning when you're going to say the hard truth in a situation, that way it's not as much of an ambush on an already vulnerable sister.

Personalities

We have 2000 (yes, TWO THOUSAND) members. That’s a lot of amazing women and a lot of personality.

There’s always going to be a member or two who just rub you the wrong way.

You know who they are.

If you’re perpetually bumping up against someone in negative ways and haven’t been able to resolve your conflicts without resorting to snark, passive aggressive digs and sideways namecalling, don’t go into their threads. Just don’t... unless you’ve decided that you’re going to understand their POV and are determined to not be provoked by their style or ideology, and are feeling steadfast in your graciousness.

If you feel that there’s a possibility that you’ll be set off and unable to control your words and/or big feelings, just don’t open the thread. You don’t need the conflict or drama in your life...you’ve got small children, so there’s enough of that already

and you can choose to not have it, here. That’s one of the benefits of the style of board we have. For that matter, if a member makes you too crazy to control yourself, you can set your User CP to ignore them entirely and you won’t see their posts at all

I love this place. I am so much closer to the woman God intends me to be on this earth, because He brought me here and gave me the opportunity to know the wonderful women here. He drew me out of the depths of my own wretched wrath and showed me the light of grace and mercy in this place. To say that I am utterly transformed since my very first day here, is not hyperbole.

I am thankful daily, as is my family, for what GCM has done in His Name. There is no place like this place, this side of Heaven itself, and I wish that every mother/daughter/sister/grandma had such a haven and such good support.

Sometimes we spit and growl at one another the way siblings can, but every day, I always know I can count on my sisters from GCM to hold up my arms when they are too weak, to be my voice when I can not pray, to surround me with loving arms when I despair, to rejoice with me in my blessings and mourn with me in my loss. This is one very complete body, in service of the King of which I am honored to be a part.

Tuesdayschild · 10-13-2010, 12:40 PM

Well said! Thank you

Aisling · 10-13-2010, 12:41 PM

I appreciate this a lot...good reminders for me and everyone!

10-13-2010, 12:45 PM

Fantastic!!!!

DoulaClara · 10-13-2010, 12:42 PM

ShiriChayim · 10-13-2010, 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by allisonintx

Healthy Message Board Living:

Take no offense for someone else...especially if they don’t appear offended!

This is an energy suck of epic proportion and causes more board strife than the two people who are struggling actually working out what is going on without everyone else coming in trying to interpret for them.

If you believe another member has been wronged by a sister here, attacking the person who wrongs them is not going to be productive or helpful. Encouraging the women to work out their issues according to Matthew 18 absolutely *will* be helpful every time. If you see a thread going this way, contact a Moderator or an Admin who will help the ladies take their disagreement to PM per the board policy.

I'm giggling ironically at this one because I've seen this SO MANY TIMES where the two people actually involved end up all

and everyone else is all

and generally mods are going

(See my lovely use of emoticons there?)

butterflyqueen71 · 10-13-2010, 01:07 PM

(This should be a sticky!

)

Bonnie · 10-13-2010, 01:35 PM

november · 10-13-2010, 01:44 PM

Preach it, sister! Haha.

Kat · 10-13-2010, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by butterflyqueen71

(This should be a sticky!

)

Yes, definitely!!! I second the idea that this should be a sticky!

10-13-2010, 08:06 PM

Very wise words!!

backtobasicsmum · 10-13-2010, 10:17 PM

mwwr · 10-13-2010, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by allisonintx

We have 2000 (yes, TWO THOUSAND) members. That’s a lot of amazing women and a lot of personality.

I like the way you put all of our pictures in the post.

TraceMama · 10-13-2010, 02:40 PM

Well said and very much appreciated!

The Tickle Momster · 10-13-2010, 03:23 PM

You have a way with words Allison.

10-13-2010, 12:36 PM	#1
allisonintx Rose Garden Some Cal/Mag will probably fix that. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: catching up on the laundry Posts: 41,294	Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) Healthy Message Board Living: This is my 15th year of Message Board-ing, as it were, and my tenth year of membership here at GCM, and I’d like to talk about being understanding and understood on a message board. I spent a lot of years being misunderstood and hurting people’s feelings, and the ladies here have been so patient with me in my growth toward gentleness. I am far from a finished product but I have picked up a trick or two along the way, and I thought I’d share. Formulating an OP for maximum impact All words have meaning, and some people give them more weight than others, so you have to remember that each individual will read your post with weight on different words. Start with your main idea of a post, especially if it’s about something controversial or something you’re having big feelings about. Write it all out as you normally would. Leave the post alone for a while. Minimize the window and go do something else. This is where the magic happens. Read your post with new eyes. Think. Take time to consider what you are asking/saying or why you are posting. Clarify your intent. Think about wether or not you would want to read/respond to this post and why, or why not? If you’re asking for something, are you using emotionally healthy vocabulary (I think / I feel / I need) ? Are your words in active voice? Passive voice is vague and leaves too much room for misunderstanding. The passive voice is what politicians use when they want to say something without taking responsibility for it, such as saying “bombs were dropped” or “mistakes were made” You take responsibility for what you write and what you feel by using the active voice. Not only will you be clearer in your intent, in your posts, but you will also feel empowered when you do this regularly! Bonus! Ask yourself if the post itself, or the answers you hope to garner, will educate, illuminate, entertain or have an otherwise positive impact on your community here at GCM? Does what you wrote still make sense upon a second reading? Obviously, if you’re writing about a difficult situation in your life, the questions will be more along the lines of ‘does this post accurately describe my situation? Have I made clear what I’m looking for wether that’s hugs, help or both? and again, Does this post still make sense upon a second reading? There will be times when this kind of editing is just not going to happen, of course, but when possible, it improves your chances of getting what you need out of your Message Board Experience. Intent in Response Take the high road with regard to intent. Even if you believe that someone is saying something to be snarky or slightly offensive, just read it with the most positive tone you can manage. In this case it is a gracious offering to play dumb, just a little, and ignore the ‘tone’ you originally ‘heard’ in a post. I find getting 12 hours between my first reading of an emotionally charged post and sitting down to type my response will give me a brand new perspective on it...and if it doesn't, then I need to pray about how/whether to respond. When formulating a response, edit edit edit. Make haste slowly to post an answer. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Prov 15:1) It is good to remember that women who appear tough and talk tough are often the most sensitive among us, and to keep that in mind when responding. Be kind. Be kinder than necessary. Practice being kinder than you ever thought you could be, especially since no one can hear the tone of your voice. Kindness is never wasted and will be returned to you. If something you’re writing might be construed as unkind, leave it out or re-word it. It might make you feel better to say it, but unkindness benefits no one in the end. Often, I type something that’s a little ugly just to get to type it out, and then I just don’t hit post. I completely reword it or I delete it, entirely. I’m embarrassed to say how often I write something with my own ‘flip’ tone and then have to rework or delete it. I’m talking about one out of every three or four posts. Umm, check out my post count, and do the math. Take no offense for someone else...especially if they don’t appear offended! This is an energy suck of epic proportion and causes more board strife than the two people who are struggling actually working out what is going on without everyone else coming in trying to interpret for them. If you believe another member has been wronged by a sister here, attacking the person who wrongs them is not going to be productive or helpful. Encouraging the women to work out their issues according to Matthew 18 absolutely will be helpful every time. If you see a thread going this way, contact a Moderator or an Admin who will help the ladies take their disagreement to PM per the board policy. Saying the Hard Thing This is something I do pretty frequently. If you have something to say that you know is going to be hard for a member to hear, please temper it with all the love in your heart, and use all the appropriate emoticons to indicate your intent. If you can not say it with love or are struggling to say it graciously, just don’t say it at all, or contact someone who can help you word it appropriately If you're concerned about how your response will be received ask a friend who is also a member in that forum, or staff member, via PM, to help you proof it. I do that a couple of times each month. It helps me say what I mean. Also, give fair warning when you're going to say the hard truth in a situation, that way it's not as much of an ambush on an already vulnerable sister. Personalities We have 2000 (yes, TWO THOUSAND) members. That’s a lot of amazing women and a lot of personality. There’s always going to be a member or two who just rub you the wrong way. You know who they are. If you’re perpetually bumping up against someone in negative ways and haven’t been able to resolve your conflicts without resorting to snark, passive aggressive digs and sideways namecalling, don’t go into their threads. Just don’t... unless you’ve decided that you’re going to understand their POV and are determined to not be provoked by their style or ideology, and are feeling steadfast in your graciousness. If you feel that there’s a possibility that you’ll be set off and unable to control your words and/or big feelings, just don’t open the thread. You don’t need the conflict or drama in your life...you’ve got small children, so there’s enough of that already and you can choose to not have it, here. That’s one of the benefits of the style of board we have. For that matter, if a member makes you too crazy to control yourself, you can set your User CP to ignore them entirely and you won’t see their posts at all I love this place. I am so much closer to the woman God intends me to be on this earth, because He brought me here and gave me the opportunity to know the wonderful women here. He drew me out of the depths of my own wretched wrath and showed me the light of grace and mercy in this place. To say that I am utterly transformed since my very first day here, is not hyperbole. I am thankful daily, as is my family, for what GCM has done in His Name. There is no place like this place, this side of Heaven itself, and I wish that every mother/daughter/sister/grandma had such a haven and such good support. Sometimes we spit and growl at one another the way siblings can, but every day, I always know I can count on my sisters from GCM to hold up my arms when they are too weak, to be my voice when I can not pray, to surround me with loving arms when I despair, to rejoice with me in my blessings and mourn with me in my loss. This is one very complete body, in service of the King of which I am honored to be a part. __________________ allisonintx Wife to Stephen Mother to Elizabeth 19, Andrew 17, Abigail 14 & Evelyn 12 Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the world. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home. . . . . . . .

10-13-2010, 12:40 PM	#2
Tuesdayschild Deactivated Have I forgotten anyone? Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Blink and you miss it [-) Posts: 4,382	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) Well said! Thank you

10-13-2010, 12:41 PM	#3
Aisling Deactivated Even artichokes have hearts! Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 33,230	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) I appreciate this a lot...good reminders for me and everyone! Last edited by Aisling; 07-19-2012 at 09:25 AM.

10-13-2010, 12:45 PM	#4
Raspberries Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) Fantastic!!!!

10-13-2010, 12:42 PM	#5
DoulaClara Rose Garden Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: where the street has no name Posts: 17,002	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) __________________ "As long as I learn I will make mistakes..." ~Beastie Boys

10-13-2010, 01:07 PM	#7
butterflyqueen71 Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 3,642	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) (This should be a sticky! ) __________________ Kimberly

10-13-2010, 01:35 PM	#8
Bonnie Rose Garden Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: San Antonio, TX Posts: 16,861	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) __________________ Bonnie, part Vulcan, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey sexy-wexy USAF wife of 20 years to G Mom to Nathan (12.5), Nora (10.5), Katie (7.9) and Ev (4.5!!) Mauka & Makai 12/29/08 Occasional "Dorm Mom" to M the wonder student

10-13-2010, 01:44 PM	#9
november Rose Trellis Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: TX Posts: 3,453	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) Preach it, sister! Haha. __________________ Married to the love of my life Mama to (7) & (2) Save

10-13-2010, 08:06 PM	#11
godsgracegiven Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) Very wise words!!

10-13-2010, 10:17 PM	#12
backtobasicsmum Rose Garden Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 29,784	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) __________________ Karisa W -17 My talking boy E - 16 My doing boy J - 14 My sparkly girl L - 11 My funny boy O - 9 My snuggly boy

10-13-2010, 02:40 PM	#14
TraceMama Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 21,723	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) Well said and very much appreciated! __________________ *Tracey* Blessed to be married 24 years. Ever-learning Gentle Mama to 3 Amazing Boys (17, 14, 12) I am determined to be invincible until He has finished His purpose in me.

10-13-2010, 03:23 PM	#15
The Tickle Momster Rose Garden previously mlrowley Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: NW WA Posts: 18,013	Re: Healthy Message Board Living...no, really, you want to read this ;) You have a way with words Allison. __________________ Michelle wife to Tom ('95) Momma to: DD (A) 21 and her DH (YM) 21 DS (T) 19 DD (C) 17 '07 DS (N) 14 Save Save

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