I need to say a few things about the idea of defiance

It's so hard not to revert back to how you were treated as a child when DC are all "up in your grill" ond you end up breaking a wet wipe box or smashing a cereal box or closing yourself in the closet so you don't physically hurt them (take into account being super tired from having a newborn and emotionally drained from dealing with toddler who is super high needs, and has only gotten more HN since DD#2 was born) ...Lord, change my "instinctive" response toward my kids to a "Gracestinktive" one.

[mummy2boys]

Lois take heart mama...none of us are on top of it all the time....and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be...We try, with God's help to do our best...

[bananacake]

Thank you for not denying that willful defiance exists, but instead, offering a suggestion in how to deal with it When I've asked about it in various forums in the past, I basically get attacked for even thinking it could possibly exist and am never offered any solutions. So I appreciate you basically saying, "We're asking the wrong question." The question is not does it exist; the question really is does it need a different response? And the answer is no

[chelsea]

I'm glad someone just commented on this thread so that it showed up in my "unread replies" page. I have really gotten into a bad habit of asking ds "Did you do that by accident or on purpose?" I needed to re-read this!
Thanks!!

[bliss]

I am revisiting this thread a million years later because I got stuck in a circular conversation with a Dobson mama on this this weekend. I could not get across to her that a two year old does NOT look you in the eye, say in her mind, "I know this is against the rules, but I've decided with full forethought to say 'screw you, mama' and do it anyway!!" I talked about positive and negative intent, I talked about what I like to call "toddler as scientist" (the idea that every experience is a learning experience for children and, while they've been told not to pull the cat's TAIL, noone has told them not to pull the cat's WHISKERS, and what will happen if I give THAT a shot?) I felt like I got stuck and could not get through with the idea that esp for a toddler/preschooler, that "willful spirit of defiance" is NOT what's happening, and even on the outside chance that it IS, spanking is NOT going to fix it.
Anyway, I think it's great that this thread is still here all this time later, because it has so many valuable ideas in it.

[J3K]

bliss...that's so sad you couldn't get thru to her. I said to one mama , after a long circular discussion..."If you can identify their age by their behaviors...it's obviously the age and not the child. If you can look down at a "willful" child and say 'he's going thru his two's" then it's the AGE not the child. The AGE makes them curious and willful and defiant...not the CHILD choosing to behave badly. " At least it gave her some thought.

[bliss]

That's good - I like that.

[KLin]

Yep, I too was in need of this refresher. Just returned from vacation and my boys have forgotten alot. I just need to extend grace all around and find reminder games.

[NewLeaf]

Wow. This thread has helped me AMAZINGLY. I kept thinking 'What do you do when it's willful defiance?' As though that's a whole 'nother level of awful. It's truly a relief to know that I don't have to discern that in the moment but that I can watch trends of how my child is behaving and address those issues at another time.

I've got a lot of to do.


Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who gave examples and responses... it's helped me immensely.

[newday]

I realize how often I must have assumed negative intent in the past and assigned guilt because I often hear my girls say, "she did it on purpose!" --- I realize though that my reactions (due to my thinking) have changed because my typical response is, "It would be a mistake to assume the worst about your sister, how can you show love to her right now?"
Much better [still haven't arrived, though...]

[saturnfire16]

I'm glad this thread got revived! I need to show it to dh.

Slowly assimilating. It's so hard at the moment since DD is in that "testing what the rules are exactly" age and it's really starting to get to me.

[rebecuna]

GREAT thread. So... can I throw out another question? I struggle with the feeling that I'm "backing down". Like, when it's time to have rest time, and DS is bouncing off the walls, and climbing on me or hitting me, I feel like I'm "giving in" by saying, "It seems like you're not ready for rest time today, how about we read a book together [or watch a movie or whatever]?" As in, doesn't that "teach" him that if he doesn't want to do something he should just be rough with me and I'll give in? What would be a better response (or attitude/expectation adjustment on my part)?

I'm positive I've asked this question in different variations several times in the past... so sorry for the repeat! I just can't seem to get it through my thick, punitively-trained brain! :/

[canadiyank]

You know, one thing that helped me was to reframe "giving in" to "reconsidering my options." I mean, we do that all the time with our families. Plans change, that doesn't mean we're giving in, it means things have changed due to circumstances. Hope that makes sense. There's times to hold your ground, but there's also times when it makes better sense "reconsidering our options."

I tend to go punitive-minded really quickly, so ITU.

[ArmsOfLove]

ITA with Meghan. *I* am the mom--if *I* choose to take into account new information (whether it be that this brand is cheaper than another when I go shopping or it's nap time and I realize you're not tired or overtired and I need to approach this differently) that is ME making a choice. I would suggest if it feels like giving it the answer isn't to not do it, but to find more strength in your inner power and make a conscious choice--and then own it