Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

I'm thinking about getting this book.

[Spanish Rose]

Originally Posted by canadiyank

Chapter Five: Problem Solving Tools

The author has developed a "problem solving summary" known as STAR. There are a variety of things that upset children and many ways to solve problems...the STAR method is a general summary of the problem-solving method.

Stop and focus.
Think of ideas.
Act effectively.
Review and revise.

Stop and focus - there are two parts to this. The first is looking at yourself (calming yourself, perhaps using the self-calming tools from the previous chapters) and the next is defining the problem (what is really the issue here? How do you feel? etc.)

Think of ideas - brainstorm many ideas (this is not the time for evaluating the ideas, so just write them all down). Aim for one idea per year until age 12. If having difficulties, think of what a wise person you know might suggest, or what you'd do if you were a magician or had a million dollars.

Act effectively - evaluate the ideas. Select the best one or two and plan to implement it/them. Is it realistic and respectful? Work immediately and long term? Adapt and change as needed. When can you implement the idea? Who will be involved? When will you review how it worked? Think of potential road-blocks you might need to overcome.

Review and revise - how did it go? Was it successful? Consider why. If not, why did it fail? Sometimes it takes more than one approach to solve a long-standing problem.

You can help introduce this tool by modelling it yourself. The example the author gave was a repairman calling that a dryer part wouldn't be availble and how the mom brainstormed ideas (hang dry, go through clothes and see if they are clean enough to wear, laundromat, etc).

This process can be used for problems with "people" and with "things," the main difference would be the type of solutions you come up with. I will summarize the differences between this methods and the rest of the chapter soon.

Snapdragon is making real progress in problem solving--it's quite amazing, actually. He goes through a process similar to this. I think I'll print this out and show it to him, so that when he gets stuck on a part I can remind him what to do. "good job. You've identified the problem. What can we do about it?"

Thank you!

[canadiyank]

Great!

[April G]

Hi canadiyank... Thanks for referring me over here... Both dh and I are feeling frustrated in particular with ds' constant unhappiness about being "lonely". I have to admit I'm having a little difficulty coming up with solutions for sadness over loneliness... He already has a very full social life, and we can't provide any more social outlets at this point. So basically we need to be able to comfort, teach, coach and support without changing the situation... that's the hard part... I'm open to any suggestions...

1. Check for safety. Move anyone or anything being hurt.
2. Acknowledge feelings. "It's ok to feel ____." (Identifying feelings gives them a feelings vocabulary, that feelings are acceptable, and that their feelings are different from actions. It's ok to "guess" at their feelings and be wrong...they're still learning and if they can tell you're wrong, great!)
3. Set limits. "And I will not let you _____." (Notice use of "and" here instead of "but," which can negate or minimize their feelings you idenitified in step 2.)
4. Offer choices. "You may ____ or _____ instead." (These are the skills you've introduced at other times.)
5. Offer support. "Would you like me to ___?" ("Offering support may be tricky. Some children want to be left alone, others feel abandoned if you leave. You can ask what the child wants, but remember that she may really not know. You may need to experiment to see what works best." p. 17.)

1. Not an issue
2. acknowledge the loneliness. "It's okay to feel lonely"
3. set limits "And I will not let you.... " what? I don't know how to set limits on this excessive crying, whining and upset over feeling lonely...
4. offer choices... I do this constantly... you can either watch a movie or visit dad in the hair salon... he isn't interested in either, and continues to engage in talking to me about how miserable he is or sits there crying.
5. offer support "Would you like me to put a movie on or get you a book to look at in the hair salon?" When I do this he says no and continues complaining and crying?

I'm really not trying to be difficult or argumentative... I'm just really having a hard time with seeing how this would play out. Am I missing something here?

[canadiyank]

That is specific protocol for a "crisis" (i.e., temper tantrums), i.e., #3 would be something like, "And I won't let you hurt your brother."

I haven't finished reviewing the book - I'd highly recommend buying it or borrowing it from the library. There's lots of exercises in it that I don't describe here.

Did you read the part about the self-comforting tools and how to teach them? That is a lot more relevant to your issues, I think.

(Sorry if I sound short...I'm feeling absolutely horrid right now.)

Originally Posted by canadiyank

The nature of feelings:

Feelings are okay All feelings are acceptable. They can be expressed in helpful or harmful ways.

Can you explain this more? How is something like whining acceptable?

Originally Posted by HummusDip

Can you explain this more? How is something like whining acceptable?

Yes, please. Just yesterday I had to tell my 12 yo to go outside and take a walk to cool off. He was out of control and not listening, and I sent him upstairs, and he went up, pounding on the walls and doors (he's old enough to cause holes). I sent him out to walk and cool off.

[Jeanette598]

Originally Posted by HummusDip

Can you explain this more? How is something like whining acceptable?

Not canadiyank, but ... whining is not a feeling, it's a behavior. The idea is that we should validate emotions but work with the child to figure out more appropriate ways of expressing those emotions. So if my child is whining, the emotion behind it might be frustration or disappointment. It's okay for her to feel those things, but not helpful to express them through whining.

[canadiyank]

Originally Posted by Jeanette598

Not canadiyank, but ... whining is not a feeling, it's a behavior. The idea is that we should validate emotions but work with the child to figure out more appropriate ways of expressing those emotions. So if my child is whining, the emotion behind it might be frustration or disappointment. It's okay for her to feel those things, but not helpful to express them through whining.

Right. The whole point of this is to redirect the unacceptable expressions into ones that are self-calming, helpful, etc. for dealing with the feelings *behind* the behaviour.

So Chris, you did exactly the right thing - helping him find a physical outlet (outdoor exercise) that was helpful, that replaced an unacceptable one (beating on things).

[BlissfullyEsther]

I'm so here. Must read.