s/o parenting self-talk
 

so do you wanna learn to practice doing this? i do :heart
can we talk about it, and maybe use some examples or whatever?

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

I do. definitely need examples.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Not sure I understand but yet is sounds like something I could use. so subbing

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:nak2:yes

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

subbing to come back with my examples.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn i have no idea what this is

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Forgive me if this isn't what you are talking about...

but what works for me is to repeat little mantra's or quotes from people I admire. So like, right now it's "The point is the I don't care if I have well-behaved children. It's that well-behaved isn't the goal. The goal is teaching kindness, respect, dignity, and compassion." by MaryMunchkins on here.


Or, when they are crying/whining/tantruming, I will repeat to myself "it's not about me" in my head. Both to remind myself that they aren't doing it to make me crazy, drive me insane, or because of something I did/didn't do. And also to remember to be present in the moment with them, and not worry about what others may be thinking. HTH

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

subbing here... although not sure what it is.
Posted via Mobile Device

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

so,it's a spin off this thread http://gentlechristianmothers.com/co...d.php?t=341448

basically, you are re-parenting yourself. when you are going through something, and realize you yourself are about to "misbehave", like throw a fit, lash out, express yourself inappropriately somehow, you talk to yourself the way a parent ought to talk to a child in this situation, perhaps, the way your own parents never did.

my example: i don't feel well. my mother used to get angry at me for not feeling well, and would act as if i am ruining her life/am in the way/am a bad child. So, now when I don't feel well, i am real pill! :lol i whine, and i get angry, and I apologize, and i feel guilty, etc.

My self-talk: it's really awful that i don't feel well. i hope i feel well soon, and this is all behind me.[validating my own feelings, showing compassion to myself] i am a valuable, good person, i just happen to have a health problem at this time [gently confronting my negative beliefs] I am going to take good care of myself, and continue to be a loving gentle mother and wife without over-exerting myself. [being realistic, re-visiting what's important now]

now i just have to actually repeat it to myself.

oh, lookie, it's euromom's due date today :hug :brownies

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

I'm in:yes

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:cup
subbing to follow along

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Thank you for spinning this! I didn't want to totally derail the other thread and would love to hear more ideas!

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

I'm in. I tend to berate myself when I'm upset (maybe that's what my parents did... I know I saw my dad get mad at dd for losing her temper last time we were there. :mad) I think GBDing myself would work a lot better, and then whatever I play in my head is a lot more likely to come out of my mouth when I'm parenting dd.

I used to get upset at her for accidents- spilling things- because I do that to myself. I've learned to be a lot gentler with us both. No point in blaming an accident on her. It's just an accident.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn

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:popcorn

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:popcorn

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:watermelon ('cause I'm really thirsty right now and popcorn just doesn't appeal...)

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hmm...not sure if this is really it. but i often repeat to myself "someday i am going to miss this...someday i am going to miss this...someday i am going to miss this" and it (almost) ALWAYS brings things into persepective. it has won me over to many a one-more-story/song/kiss/hug etc. givento my children.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Absolutely. :yes I seem to be reminding myself of that a lot lately. :shifty :giggle

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

I have never heard about this before and I think I need it so I'm subbing.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

When I saw this concept from Allison in another thread I thought it was brilliant, so I am definitely in to learn more about it. I need this!

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:poke Allison....


No pressure or anything. :shifty

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"I'm not afraid of dealing with my kid's big feelings."

BBL

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

ok, what it comes down to for me was learning how to manage my own big feelings.

I have LOTS of BIG FEELINGS.
I don't do anything by halves. This is very overwhelming for me and for everyone else in my world. Dh was Born to Be Mild, and this the only reason we work. He's the perfect chill for my fire.

I was a very very angry mommy. I yelled at my children all the time. Wrath was the bugagoo with whom I struggled, almost every moment of every day.

As I learned here at GCM to validate my children's feelings, I realized that I was also doing it to ME when I was whigging out (often out loud :shifty ) and that I had stopped being the Screaming Mimi Mommy.

I was a mother I kinda liked.

I was a friend people weren't afraid of/intimidated by, because I was learning to modulate my big feelings all the way around. My oldest daughter noticed.

One day, after I had been doing this, apparently for a couple of years, I really went OFF on my children, and dd1 said, "Wow, I can't remember the last time you did THAT." blink blink

I was doing the happy dance :danceALL OVER GCM because I realized that Wrath had been sent to the back of the bus and was no longer my initial reaction in every situation where I was unhappy with my kids, or unhappy in my life.

Validation is a powerful tool. Women are regularly taught, in the west, that our big feelings are unimportant and we should be more like men (whatever THAT means :rolleyes2 ) and that we should just stuff them down and "get over it" This just doesn't work. This is the guilt/shame model. Identification of my actual feelings pointed me toward solutions rather than frustrations in my parenting and in my life, in ways that "pure logic" never could.

_______________________


on another note, something that has been another major part of re-parenting myself was learning the actual definition of the word Frustrated.

Frustrated means Blocked from a Goal.

when I validate the feeling of Frustrated in myself, I can then ask, "Why am I blocked from this goal? How else could I achieve it? Do I need to re-evaluate this goal?"

Frustration is a thief of joy in parenting. Understanding that I was frustrated and not just MAD, was really important.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

allison, lots to think about :think :yes
can you elaborate/give example for mad vs. frustrated? pls

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

((((Allison))))

it's so important to remember that anger is a secondary emotion--it only comes out when primary emotions are stuffed. When we learn how to address and express our primary emotions we don't need to progress to anger :heart

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

subbing

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Ok. This morning is a good example.

We cleaned quite a lot this week. The kids worked in the Family room for days, because it was such a disaster.
They had friends sleep over Friday night, and they trashed the room. I went in there and saw the floor. Oh my word, I was furious. Mad. Seeing Red.

What I would have done before: Scream all the children's names, call them on the floor, yell at them about how trashed the room was and ORDER them to get busy making it right, with no little guilt and shame to go along with the instructions.

What actually happened:
I took a deep breath and had a big sigh. I was actually hurt because the room was a wreck, and frustrated because we had worked so hard to make it nice, and also frustrated because, now, I was going to have to be the Mean Mommy and make them come back and work until it was clean AGAIN. I validated my own feelings about the mess in the room, my hurt and frustration, and was able to just call the kids and say,

"you guys thrashed this room. I feel hurt that you left it this way after we worked so hard. Leaving it like this was disrespectful to me and to yourselves and all the hard work we did together. You need to fix that. You may go back outside to play once it's put to rights."

15 minutes later, the solution had been affected, and the girls went back to play

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Just subbing. I've come to realize that I have so so many issues within myself that need to be dealt with if I'm ever going to be able to parent effectively. I need this thread like I need water!

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:cup

You all are so wise - I'm just going to join in and soak in all the wisdom I can glean.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:cup

And Allison, your Born to be Mild description fits my DH to a T!

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

subbing.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Tell me more. How can we identify our primary emotions? What are common primary emotions when you feel anger? I can definitely see frustration, as defined by Allison, and possibly stress- which I"m not quite sure is technically an emotion, but it's a trigger for my anger and depression.

I remember in college when I said "I'M MAD!" :mad I went :idea "I'm MAD!" It was so freeing to be able to acknowledge it. My mom is NOT a validater- she is a suppressor, don't-rock-the-boater. And her typical response to something that upsets me is, "Oh well". NOTHING makes me madder than that now. I have a hard time telling if I've actually got a reason to be mad about or I"m just being a brat. I've gotten stuck there though. I don't know what to do once I know I"m mad. I fall back on the stuff my dad did- yell and hit stuff (not people).

Allison, thank you. It gives me a lot of hope to see someone has gotten THROUGH this anger thing. I thought I was doing so good. :( DD said the other day, "Why are you mad all the time?" :cry I thought that I was doing so good, not having a temper tantrum for weeks. The day after that, I DID have a bad day. Anyway, I have hope. Can you (or someone else) script something for me to say? When I'm mad or when dd is mad?

---------- Post added at 03:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:42 PM ----------

You did two things: you identified the feelings behind the anger. And you validated your emotions. And I can prolly figure out my own feelings. I'm an intrapersonal genius. I know myself really well. But I need a script for validation. What do you say?

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

when I was mired in anger (my father is uncomfortable with emotions at all--especially my big emotions :( ) I realized what can cause me anger includes primary emotions and physical states ignored:

hungry
anxious/nervous
lonely
tired
needing to pee
frustrated
disappointed
sad
unsure/confused
trying to think and internal or external forces won't let me (bad for an ADD mama w/ 5 children :crazy)

So I worked on identifying the *feelings* that come *before* the losing it moment. They include, for me, tension in my neck and shoulders, self talk that is mean and violent in my head, and loss of focus. The sooner I can realize this is happening the quicker I stop and take a self-evaluation.

Why am I feeling this way? What is happening?

I go through the situation, and tune into my body and my emotions, and then I address what is causing it.

And if I start to lose it, I can still catch myself and change the next moment. I am not a victim of my big feelings and no one else need be either :heart

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

this may be OT, but in an earlier thread, a woman said that her mother said "oh well" a lot. Well, my oldest is a DRAMA QUEEN, and I say "I don't care" a lot. I need to find a new phrase. Usually like if I say " you need to go clean your room now" after appropriate transitoning attempts becasue transitioning is difficult for her, she can fall apart and start saying stuff like "i'll just run away" or "i hate you" "you are a mean mom" blah blah blah. And I say "I don't care, just clean your room" in an attempt to focus on what IS rather than the irrational words.

Are you saying I shouldn't do that? Any attempt to validate her at those times come across as "feeding" her reasons to feel the way she feels, and Lord knows she doesn't need more reasons, kwim?

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

I am weeping because I want this. I so desperately want this. I'm dealing with it at Celebrate Recovery, but have slacked off there too. I have got to change things, b/c my children are following in my wake, setting off their own maelstroms.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

In that sort of situation I would say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "It sounds like you are having some big feelings. I love you and if you want to talk respectfully about them, I'm here."

Just saying "I don't care." may give her the feeling that you just don't care about her, not her emotions. KWIM?


Herbwifemama, Positive Discipline talks about anger being the secondary emotion. It was very eye opening to me when I read it because anger is my MAIN problem.

:cup for more on this.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

yeah, I think I"m talking to myself, to calm myself donw, because I get wiggy when she wigs out like that LOL. So I'm using the wrong words. Which often provides her with another focus for her feelings LOL, and then she goes into feeling sorry for herself and I apologize and hug her and well.....I never feel like any of it is teaching her to cope with like....life.

She has very limited coping skills sometimes. She doesn't have innate ones.